I decided to adopt my cousions baby?

minx 21

Are you doing this legally because if not i think you need to be very careful, has it crossed your mind that she may be using you to pay for all these things and then she is going to keep the baby??? please be careful, otherwise the only one that will end up hurt is you. i Really don't see why she would want a baby shower as all the gifts brought would be for the baby and therefore belong to you not her?? so yes it seems a little strange, why don't you suggestthat instead of a baby shower tha you will throw an adoption party after all the arangements have been made. You could tell friends and family that you are having the party to welcome you child into the world and to thank your cousin for giving you the opportunity to have a child. this would also be strange but perhaps then people would see her as more of a surrogate mother than a birth mother and not look at her so badly it may also help her other children understand the situation. And then if you still choose to buy her a car as a thank you present at the party it wouldnt be looked at so badly hope i helped. Good luck and keep us updated.

MamaKate

Dear Meaghan,

You really might want to consider re-phrasing your question of adding some more details because it comes across very poorly.

Are you wanting to throw a shower for the baby after you adopt him or her (basically a shower for you - the baby won't really be participating or remembering it) or are you intending to have a shower for your cousin (which sounds cruel)? The way it is phrased makes me wonder a million questions like:

Why are you adopting your cousin's child? What is your cousin's reason for wanting you to adopt her child? What about the baby's father? Is he willing to relinquish his rights? Is their some way you could assist your cousin in parenting her baby? Is everyone involved (cousin, father, you, other family, etc.) educated and aware of the complexities of adoption? Is adoption really in the child's best interest? Would temporary custody possibly be a better arrangement? Why do you think a baby shower would provide "normalcy" for an adopted infant? Would you tell this child that he or she is adopted? Will you let him or her have a relationship with their other parents? Is lack of resources a factor in why your cousin might allow you to adopt her baby? If you are going to have a shower for yourself, why not have one for your cousin so she can have the supplies to parent? Has the baby been born? If not, how do you know your cousin won't decide to parent when after she delivers and sees, holds and bonds with her baby? Is the adoption finalized? If so, why not have a "welcome to our family" or "welcome home" party instead?

Baby showers supposed to help provide items for a newborn and show support for the baby's parents - most of the time they are done PRIOR to the birth. They are usually thrown FOR the honoree(s), not BY the expectant parent(s). Throwing a party for yourself in order to receive gifts or compliments is tacky. Miss Manners and Emily Post both say so.

ETA: I did mean to add that if adoption IS indeed the best for baby, I am glad that he or she will be kept in the family. Thank you, unyqrumin8r, for reminding me to say so.

ETA 2: Wow. After your last edit, all I can say is yuck. Neither of you are thinking in the best interests of the CHILD. (You shouldn't talk about "your" baby's mother that way!!! You are talking about 1/2 of what makes him or her!!!)

If you are being truthful, your cousin sounds like a creep and needs more help than you can give her but if you think that your attitude about her will be healthy for the child you are mistaken. The way you just described her makes me doubt that you will allow a real relationship even if your cousin manages to clean herself up. I also wonder if she would still let you adopt her baby if she read what you wrote about her.

"...like i said shes making it out to be a business deal. she wants a baby shower and a car"...

The situation you are describing is ILLEGAL (it falls under the FEDERAL child trafficking statutes) not to mention utterly unethical. The way you are proposing doing this is setting all of you up for problems and I would highly advise that you worry about the adoption itself and making sure it is legal and as ethical as possible rather than throwing a baby shower (would she even be getting baby things or does she want stuff for the older kids, how is that supposed to work?) at this juncture in time. Just words to the wise...

sassy2

You are adopting the baby and want to throw a shower for the pregnant girl. That is truly unkind. She fells bad enough having to give the baby up for adoption and you intend to ridicule her in front of family and friends. Please think this through. Want to do something nice for her, wait till after the adoption and then treat her to a vacation or at least a day at a spa

melissa

"she wants a baby shower and a car" Are you serious?

You better get a lawyer because I don't think you have the slightest clue how this works.She cannot legally give you the baby in exchange for a car and a baby shower.

That is not how it works.

The mother AND father need to both sign their rights away.You must get a lawyer and go about this the proper way or she can just take her child back at any time.

Sounds to me like she is using you.

Anha S

are you saying she wants a baby shower and a car in exchange for a baby? Because thats how that last part read to me....if thats what it is, it IS a business deal, and an illegal one at that.

Pleasantly Psycho Cat

I do agree the baby shower is both tacky and pointless. Also I have to agree with MamaKate about your attitude toward your cousin. I know that you don't agree with how she acts but you shouldn't make it a habit to talk about her especially since you're getting her child. That is baby trafficking since she wants a car out of the "deal" which is just cruel trading a baby for a car. A human life is not worth some measly car! How do you plan on telling the child that story? I understand you want to help and keep the child with the family but it would be hurtful in the end if you go about it your cousin's way. You need to do it the right way like everybody else.

kristysearching

Nothing about what to happen is normal, no shower...

HappyMomAnna

ummm, I have heard of the adoptive mom having a shower and not sure I'm so crazy about that either... It didn't turn out all that sweet when they did it on Brother's or Sisters either...

...but, for the mother of the baby she isn't able to parent?

and who on earth wants to party with a drug addict?

and....buy her a car as part of the deal--the Business deal!

There is not supposed to be a "business deal" over the life of another person--that's actually considered a crime! You are putting yourself into a very risky situation while entering a business deal with the life of a child at trade--for that child you plan to pay for a party and buy her a car? Not good...

LindseyTaylor

Are you serious? you want to throw her a traditional baby shower when your adopting her baby?

will your friends or her friends be there? why would you throw her a party where the point is to give her gifts for her unborn baby when she's not even going to be keeping it? I realize this is an answer full of questions but all and all its a god awful idea...its depressing for everyone involved... she will get a baby shower to get gifts from all her friends for her baby that she will get to enjoy...

DevonChaos

Don't throw the poor girl a shower. Its a "BABY" shower. She's not keeping the baby. If you are adopting her baby, that's like throwing it in her face.

She may act like she doesn't care, but don't count on her outward appearance. She may be truly torn up inside and have no way to express it without feeling like she'll hurt someones feelings. You are not her, therefore you cannot speak for how she feels. She may say one thing, but if she's giving up a child, even the most cold, stoic woman will have a feeling of deep sorrow.

The best thing that you can do as a family member and friend is to help her keep her WHOLE family intact. Help her with the children. Help her find a solution to her addictions. Help her find resources in your area that are available for people like her. Taking her baby is only going to stir up terrible feelings inside her. You need to help her, not hurt her. Find a way to help her keep this baby. Her other children are going to be deeply effected by this.

Heather B

You lost me at the trading a baby for a car point

Rowan

Well, if its what the mother herself wants. I still think its tacky, and the fact you are insulting her in your edit is not right.

Possum

So - this arrangement is all about what you, your husband and your cousin want?

How incredibly selfish - I weep for this child.

None of you deserve this child.

If you manage somehow to pull this off - you'd better forget the shower - and start saving for therapy for the child.

He/she will need it.

PFFFFTTTTTT!

unyqrumin8r

The previous answers are all good. No baby shower for the mother. This situation is difficult enough for her. No need to add to it. Perhaps one of your relatives could give you a baby shower. I believe it's kosher for friends or relatives of adopting parents to give a baby shower and for the reasons already given: gifts and supplies for the newborn baby and new parents. I believe this could and probably should happen before the baby is born. After all, you'll need a car seat to bring the baby home from the hospital. You'll need a stroller, bassinet, etc.

If your cousin feels that she is doing the right thing for herself and her baby, and cannot be talked out of it, then I'm all for a family member adopting the child.

Ta-Da

what happens when the car breaks down?

LAKEyBABy

First of all that'll be so shady if you dont allow your cousin to be in the babies life.... your a btich if you dont... str^

*7 Inch Heels*

technically the baby shower would be for you. any gifts she got she would have no use for them so im sure she would just pass them on to you. talk to her and make sure she is ok with it first. if she is then you can have a joined baby shower. like basically the shower is for you but she's there too with the baby. lots of people have done this. just make sure that eveyone whom is coming knows whats going on.

annie

I am so very happy for you. Throw her a shower it will be so much fun. What a wonderful blessing for you and I am happy you are throwing her the shower she wants. Please for the love of god and all that is holy don't listen to these horrible people. You will love the baby and if your cousin wants a shower please have a ball. I will say this though you may want to check with you lawyer about the car thing though. They are very strict about the idea of "baby buying."
With the baby shower i would just make it like a, girls get together. Have cake coffee and try to keep the baby stuff out of it. More like a thank you for giving life party. Have everyone bring gift for after the pregnancy like, hot-pants. Just make it fun.
I am happy for you and your baby.

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