I don't know what to do?

Robin

I'm a former "teen" mom. My daughter was born 6 weeks after my 17th birthday. I finished high school mid-term my senior year. Her dad & I never considered giving her up for adoption.

As an adoptee, I didn't want my daughter to grow up wondering why her mother gave her up; or if her mother didn't love her enough to keep her (as I had). Nor did I want to wonder if her adopted mom was abusive like mine was.

My adopted mom tried to convince me to relinquish my daughter by making me doubt I could possibly take care of her or that I even deserved to be her mom. When I refused to give her up, my a.mom tried to have her taken away from me. She failed.

I finished high school, went to community college without help from my family. Graduated. And have been able to support myself & my kids well since. It was only a struggle for a couple of years.

You may not be able to give your child the life you imagine RIGHT NOW. In a couple of years you will be able to. Your child will always miss YOU if you relinquish.

Adoption is no guarantee that your child will have a perfect home with perfect parents, free from abuse or divorce or financial trouble.

Today, my daughter is an amazing woman with her own business, a loving wife & mom to 2. I wasn't a perfect mom. She didn't have piano lessons & gymnastics. She did go to summer camp, played volleyball, graduated with honors & went to college in Ireland for a year b/c she figured out how to do that on her own. We did OK.

It wasn't the life I imagined at all. It's been better than anything I could have dreamed of! When she was 18, my a.mom told me, "You've been a good mom." By then, I didn't care what she thought.

Read the book The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. I found it in my local library. You have time to think this through.

Good luck!

aloha.girl59

This baby is YOURS. No one else's. It's unfortunate that you felt the pressure from others to choose an adoptive family, but you don't owe anyone your baby. Let the potential adoptive family know right away that you have chosen to parent and don't waste your time listening to their guilt trips. You were not put on this earth to bear children for anyone else, regardless of their fertility and socioeconomic status. Your baby is YOURS.

You have the battle already won if your father is supportive. Take him up on his offer to help you because you will need it. Not because you are young but because raising a child takes a lot of time and energy. One more person in the world who loves your baby is a bonus! Your dad sounds like a great guy. :)

I'm an adoptive parent and I think adoption can be a good thing when it's necessary. Your baby is already loved and wanted by you. You have not neglected or abused him or her and YOU are the rightful mother. Adoption of your baby isn't necessary. I hope you are able to be strong and "just say no" to the family you chose. Will they be upset? Yes. Will they say rude things and call you names? Probably. Ignore their anger. Again, you owe your baby to NO ONE. If they insult you, walk away and don't sign anything! No one can force you to give up your baby, even if you're under 18 (I'm assuming you are). It's so much better for your child to grow up with you than with adoptive parents because both of you (you and the baby) will always wonder about the other. You will both feel sadness and loss...and if you were to surrender your child to those adoptive parents, they'd forget about you before the ink was dry on the adoption papers.

Parent your child. You won't regret it!

PhilM

Your child wants you. He or she wants your love, your presence. If your family is willing to help, you can do this. It is your child. Don't give him or her up.

Sofiakat

This is your baby. No one has a right to your child, even if you have already chosen a couple and began a pre-adoptive process. This child is yours and you have every right to keep him or her. Ask you dad to advocate for you, and to help tell them that you have changed your mind, and have decided to raise the baby yourself. Yes, they will be disappointed. But again, this is your baby and not theirs.
I was 30 when we adopted our children, and Lord knows, I did not know if I was going to be a capable mother either. Motherhood is something that you grow into, not a magical "poof" and then you are perfect. You will make mistakes, all mothers do, but you can learn and grow with your child.
I hope you find peace with whatever desision you make. Just remember, this is YOUR baby.

cantstopLinnyG

You dont need to feel guilty, hun, you are doing what nature intended- you are going to raise and love YOUR baby.

Send them an email, or a registered letter. Break off ALL ties with the agency, if there is one, and this couple. If they continue to contact you, tell them you will get a restraining order.

Good for you. Your baby wants nothing but to be raised by his or her natural Mother, NOT strangers. You owe this agency NOTHING. You owe this couple NOTHING. It is ILLEGAL for them to harass you or try to continue negotiations for your child. Period. Do NOT talk to them at all from now on.

Please contact Concerned United Birthparents, they may know of an attorney in your area who can contact the agency for you to tell them to never contact you again.

http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

magic pointe shoes

If you can line up adoption plans, you can line up parenting plans and tell them no. The lifetime of heartache you feel now over relinquishment feels oh so much worse after relinquishment. Rise up, because settling for not good enough is devastating.

Concerned United Birthparents website has a pamphlet you should read.

SPC Finochio's wife

I dont know how young you are but I had my first at 17 and i can tell you its very hard but its also the best thing you will ever do. my daughter is now almost 5 and i'm so glad i've never missed a minute of her life! i'm now 22 and have 3 kids! its the greatest experience in life!! Dont pass it up!

Gaia Raain II

The only thing in the world that your child needs is you. And that's true for quite some time. You need food, shelter, clothing, and water, but as long as you have those things, you're providing for your baby. And if you don't have those things, you are entitled to help so that you CAN provide those things.

The prospective adoptive parents you have chosen are NOT entitled to your baby. Your baby needs you, and deserves to have you in his life. Please don't take yourself away from your baby. He won't understand. Lots of people in your situation make do, and end up being wonderful mothers. I have a feeling you will, too.

Best of luck to you.

Penny A (Vanessa)

Please do not take on any responsnbility for the family you have picked. Call a spade a spade - the baby is yours and not theirs. Whatever decision you make is your choice, but don't let anybody guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.

It's not your responsibility to supply babies to other people, you are responsible for making the best choice for you and baby. This is one of the toughest decisions you will ever make in your life, so be sure to educate yourself on the options available to you, and seek advice from a neutral source (such as an independent counsellor not attached to any adoption agencies or family).

Lori A

10 points for your dad. If you are struggling now with this decision, you will suffer for that childs entire childhood and that's if you are luck enoug to be reunited in 20 years. Pre birth matching is suposed to make you feel guilty. Tell them now you have changed your mind.

There is no better incentive to succeed than the responsibility of a child. Your not going to be young forever, you will be able to go to school and be a mother, it's not a cake walk but what in life is? It's doable, very doable.

Voice of experience here, nothing compares to surrendering a child. NOTHING.

email me if you want more.

grapesgum

You have fallen into the adoption agency and adoptive parent trap of pre-birth matching. The matching and pre-birth grooming of the mother is purposefully designed to try to guilt you into giving your child away to a family of strangers, even when you don't want to.

Tell them that you are keeping your baby and break off all contact.

Don't fall for their trap. Trust your Dad. He may need to get tough with the agency and the couple to get them to back off.

Good luck. Work hard - you will finish school. Thousands of young parents do. Don't believe all of the doom and gloom statistics that they will throw at you about single mothers.

Anha S

Your baby is yours, you don't owe him or her to anyone. Your dad is willing to help you, and single parenting is difficult, but it isn't the end of the world either. I think its really unfortunate that the people in your life have you doubting your abilities. Being a mom can be scary whether you are 15 or 30.

You want to raise your baby, and your baby wants you. Its not easy being a young mom, no, but its worth every minute, and its still very possible to acheive what you want in life. Just because someone could provide an infant with "stuff" that frankly they really dont care about at this stage in the game in no way makes them more able to care for your baby than you are.

As to the couple you had picked, perhaps your dad would be willing to handle telling them that you are no longer placing your child.

Philippa

As you are having doubts about adoption and your dad is prepared to support your decision then please raise your child otherwise you will regret it for the rest of your life. Don't feel guilty about the paps as this is your baby not theirs and you have already bonded. Be honest with them and DON'T be guilt tripped into surrendering because of their feelings - your feelings and those of your unborn baby are just as important. Times wont always be tough and you can't reverse adoption once it's gone through whereas your life will get easier.

Jennifer L

You have every legal and moral right to change your mind about placing your child for adoption. The would-be adoptive parents know this. It's covered in every single adoption class. You need to make this decision without factoring in their feelings. Again, they KNOW this is a possibility.

Being a young parent is difficult. I won't sugarcoat it and say it's a cakewalk, but it isn't impossible either. Your life won't be ruined. It can be done. Being a young parent doesn't mean you are a bad parent. But it does mean that you have to grow up very quickly.

It's great that your father is willing to help you. You don't mention the baby's father and whether or not he is involved. There are lots of resources out there to help young parents. But those resources won't come knocking on your door. You need to do the legwork and fill out the forms to apply for assistance.

Best of luck to you.

Bodhi

"Everyone had convinced me"

"Everyone has told me"

"But I don't want to give my baby away."

The last one is your answer :)

No one - NO ONE - should be convincing you or telling you or even hinting to you what to do. You know your own heart.

The family you have picked out will deal with it. Trust me on that. I have been in the position of that family twice. Simply put, that is not their baby. Pre-birth matching is a sad and screwed up reality of adoption today, and it results in this very situation.

You have every right to choose to keep your baby, or to have your baby and decide later, or pursue the adoption plan, or have a family member take temporary custody, or not make a decision just yet. Point is, it's your choice - no one else's. Not an agency, not your parents, not the PAPs. I can't stress this enough.
Best of luck to you!!

laneyinspired

sound like you already know the answer...if in doubt, dont do it, silly....and you said it clearly, your heart wants this baby...but FEAR is making you doubt your heart...you and your baby will get what you need....breathe, go to a solitary place and be with your baby alone...and breathe....go for a walk....alone with your baby, and breathe...as far as the couple, well, they will heal much easier than you and the baby would your whole lives after giving her up with reservations.....a healthy couple wouldnt want to take a child from a mother that actually loves the idea of keeping her child, right? Now all you need to do, is get everyone elses voices out of your head until then, and just be with the baby alone as much as you can...the buggest decision you have now, it seems, is picking a name! laney

Daisey Duck

How can you tell them? Simply say this is my baby and my life and I choose to keep my baby and be the best mom I can be. It isn't final till you sign the papers after the child is born. You have your dad to help you so you won't be alone. It will be hard for a while but you won't be a teenager for ever. If you are going to keep the baby then you need to tell the pap's now they will be hurt but it's better to tell them now then to wait till the child is born. If they are paying your expenses then they shouldn't have to continue to do so if your keeping the child.

~Jenny~

don't give your baby up...you will never fill that void and never get rid of the guilt...you simply tell everyone you changed your mind...also the agency will put all doubts in your head...they stop at NOTHING...pls believe me when i say this...you will struggle to raise your baby its' not easy being a young mother...but I have had 3 kids since I chose adoption and even at 33 parenting can still be tough...nobody ever said parenting was easy...but when you hold your baby..love your baby...first smile...first words...first steps...first day of school...it all makes it worth while....YOU CAN DO THIS....as far as a single mother...well I never thought I would end up that a few yrs ago...but I did when my husbabnd died...so just because they are a couple...does not mean they are better than you nor does it mean they can do a better job as a parent...you can get help with daycare through your local social service department...just go apply they will cover fees of daycare...you have plenty of help through the government...and you have your dad...have faith in yourself and believe you can do this...this will change your life forever

Laila.

You should watch the Secret Life of the American teenager. She has the same problem, everyone is telling her to give up her baby to a couple who can raise it. But she wants to keep it. My personal opinion is to keep the baby and do everything you can to support it no matter how hard it is. If you ant this baby, youre going to have to prove you want it. Get a job and think before you make decisions.

crzymmof8

You have to do what is right for YOU. I am an adoptive mom and I have had a birth mom back out (after we had the child 5 months.) I can tell you that it would have been SO much easier if she had backed out before we ever held the baby. Do what is right for you otherwise you will never be at peace. There is more to being a good parent than money.

joka163

i was in your situation as well, schoolgirl- and everyone pitches in thinking they know better than you. my mum ended up forcing me to adopt my son out and it hurts everyday, even 2 years on.

i totally agree with everyone else when they say do what you want.
within reason that is. think about how it will impact your future (positives and negatives), and weigh them up. talk with your dad about how you would go about life after the baby if you keep it. where there's a will theres a way for sure.

tell the people pressuring you that:
1. you are very serious about the decision, you realise how important it is to find the right solution for you
2. you have discussed it with your dad, and
3. that in the end you are trying to do what is best for everyone, although you appreciate their advice and concern.

it can be hard keeping the baby- i recently gave birth to our (same boyfriend) second son, and im only 17. im happy but it is taxing. especially on the social life. i dont see many of my friends anymore cause its hard to get a babysitter when my bf's at work and no one wants a puking, crying baby coming to the movies, etc.

also, if you went and asked other teen mums who regretted keeping their baby, i would be surprised if you found ONE. humans are designed to have a bond with their kids.
and for the record your life doesnt end when you have a child, it just changes. its hard but SOO rewarding.

just have a think, you know what is best for you, and hang in there. you've proven yourself fit to be a mother by simply getting this far. not many people give you credit for how hard and confusing it is.
its not easy and either way im sure you will pull through ok.
keep us posted on how it goes.
all the best
:)

*SaRaH*

People change their mind about this all the time it's not an easy decision and you really don't have a lot of time to choose. I would say though if your have all these thoughts you should probably keep it you a risking the biggest regret in your life. I was adopted and all I know i my Biological Mother is that she was 16 had a 2 yr old baby grl and was on welfare in the projects so I think she made the right choice yet there are so many questions still that I have like what nationality I am! My AP had 2 girls change their mind and they know that is 100% the biological mom's choice so yes it will be hard for them to hear you say it they will know it's always been your baby and if you can love that little baby with all your heart and give up years of your life to support it them you do deserve to be a mommy and with the help of your dad you prolly will finish school they have a lot of gov. funding for this stuff go to your local courthouse and they will help you a lot! Well Hope to Help!!
XOXO*Sarah

tiny_lil_hottie

you best make up your mind now, cause if they do adopt it, after 1 year you can't get it back in most states. let them know now so they can find another baby if you are for sure gonna keep it. if you aren't sure, ask for open adoption so you get pictures and updates on how its doing until it is 18 at which point you can reopen communication

Ian

It's quite simple. You call them and say
"I'm sorry but I have chosen to keep my child. Even though I know you have been preparing for this opportunity for months, paying my medical bills, and would be far better parents than me, I think I want to give it a shot. Sure you actually wanted this child and I just made a mistake but maybe I will be competent enough to raise it until it either goes to prison or ends up welfare as an unwed mother itself. Yes I won't ever be able to give it a father or college education, but I'm sure it will be lots of fun to dress up! Again I apologize for crushing not only your dreams but also this child's future."
That should take care of it. Be sure to send them a fruit basket to make up for the medical bills.

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