I feel like I have grown into a better AP since being on the Adoption forum. Have you?

Freckle Face

Dear Just a Mom,

I have definitely grown as a person and an adoptive mother since finding this forum. There are so many things to list.

---Hearing the voices of grown adoptees is just priceless.

---The power of debate here has changed my mind on issues and/or had me re-evaluate my way of thinking.

---This forum has challenged me to look at myself thru the eyes of my children.

---I have learned how to set my feelings aside a look at facts.

---I have learned that each adoption experience is different.

---I have been exposed to the depth of the pain that many mothers of loss experience.

---I have learned to find the truth/meaning behind the sarcasm.

---I have learned about loss the children of adoption feel.

---I have learned that adoption doesn't involve one single child, it goes on to affect grandchildren and future generations of that child.

---I have learned that nature and biology are stronger than nurture.

---I have learned that adoptees are discriminated against---no obc's

---Adoption doesn't always mean better, like some would like to believe.

---I've learned to question everything.

---You can disagree with people and still admire their knowledge, passion and committment to their beliefs. Some you could even call friends:)

---Most of us agree that the children should come first.

---I've also learned that the most amazing people hang out on this forum.

I'm sure there is so much more i could list but the little ones want lunch! Thanks for the question.

maybe

I have learned to see adoption through the eyes of the adoptee. Their point of view is rarely heard in the media - we really need to listen to them with open hearts and minds.

mandita210

Ive also learned to see adoption through the eyes of an adoptee. I never really thought about how an adoptee feels until I talked to people on this board. I may have learned the hard way, but Im glad I talked to people of this board who made me realize there is more to adoption than a lot of people think and adoptees have feelings that most people will never understand. Ive come to realize that there are many different sides to adoption, some of them being harsh, but also realistic. I am so glad I found this board because not only have I learned a lot, I have met some really great people.

Heather Leigh

I am so with you on this one. I was a big offender of the b-mom thing and then even bull headed enough that it took someone actually spelling out why it was offensive. I hate tothink off how many people I offended when I first started coming to y/a.

I was also one of those that toldtheirr child he was special because he was chosen. {gag} After hearing from others how this made them feel, I will NEVER use that phrase again!!! I promise!

I was also angry with his f-parents and could not imagine ever saying anything nice about them. I chose to not talk about them at all. This place (and therapy) have helped me mot be so bitter towards his mom at least. And the fact that I now refer to her as his mother is a big one for me. I used to be so offended whenever anyone called her his mom, or his real mom...Now I know he has two moms and that doesn't make my role in his life any less.

Thank you for the great thought provoking question!!

snowwillow20

I certainly have a better understanding from the adoptee's perspective and I have learned so much that at times it's depressing to read about. The knowledge of how many adoptees feel actually adds to my guilt, but I keep coming back.

Mom to Foster Children

I don't even know where to start, but I will try. I guess I was one of those who thought that after the relinquishment / tpr that it would be just peaches and cream! WOW was I ever wrong and naive! I can't begin to tell you how much I have learned on here - it's just truly amazing the support of everyone here giving advice and asking questions that may seem a little off balance - but when you put into perspective of adoption it makes you look at things a whole new way! I listen to all and although there are some people on here who seem to be all for or all against - it's still their experience and it's still there story to tell so that we can all be well educated on what is happening right under our very own noses!

I don't think it's just one person on here that needs to grow - I believe that we are all still growing and all still learning whether it's someone elses story or something that we would have never thought of.

BLW_KAM

I'm not sure I'm a better mom, but my understanding is certainly growing!

Only two short months ago, before I found Y!A, I'd never heard of the BSE. Since coming here I've done some research. Also, it never once crossed my mind that "b-mom" could be an offensive term. Thanks to the responses to a question I posed earlier this week, I now understand how and why some women despise it.

I have found guidance here for one troubling aspect of our situation. Now I clearly see that I don't have the right to shield my daughter from some of the not-so-positive aspects of her life's story (gangs/drug exposure, etc).

I have also found affirmation here for the way her dad, her natural mother and I have always communicated with her about adoption, how it came about, love, and how all her relatives (be they blood relatives or not) are family, plain and simple.

I'll be keeping my eyes open for more ways to grow.

Sofiakat

this forum has opened my eyes to a lot of adoption issues across the globe. I did no research into international adoption because i was adopting from foster care. Wow! I could not believe what was going on!
It has not particularly given me any hope for my son's future. I think that is what I originally came on here looking almost three years. Ironically, my son has given me hope for his future.
It has made me feel less alone in this journey. It has also fortified my compassion for those moms who were unable or not allowed to raise their children.
Although my kids were taken through foster care from their mom for reasonable and neccessary reasons, my heart broke for her, and while other people in my life were blaming her and judging me for feeling this way, I was able to come here and connect with women who were similar to her, hear their stories, and know that my feeling toward them were valid despite what the rest of the world was saying.

I feel more informed and info is power. I started to read many of the books suggested on here. I had read a few before but these have been helpful. It has helped me see things from different persepective (take my blinders off)
I think it will help me be the best AP i can be
my only concenr and it is not about the site is to pass the info to my wife. She does not want to come on here and is not listening to me about certain things like Original birth certificate and a few others

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

as a disgruntled adoptee, i have seen HUGE changes in the position of adoptive parents. it makes me so relieved.

i wish there were technology like this when i was little.

my ap's (my parents) were really cool about being very open with me, even paying for my search to find her.

i'm so glad kids have even more enlightened parents now, and people are so open to learning.

it's so validating. i really appreciate you asking this question, because sometimes in the fight for truth, we miss where changes are really happening.

thanks:)

MS A

I have grown a lot from this forum and have received a lot of support.

At first it was hard to understand the bitterness so many adoptees on here have. I felt attacked at every turn. I didn't fully understand the pain.(nor will I ever really be able to) To those I may have offended in the early days, I am truly sorry.

Yes, I used the term 'birth mother' for awhile. It's what my daughter's first mother wanted. She and I talked and agreed that it was just semantics and if it offended others, 'first mother' would be better.

I got a lot of advice in the early days of my daughter's reunion with her first mother that helped tremendously. Several first mothers helped me see things through her eyes. The results are turning out fabulously. We are building a family. It's unique to say the least, but the family love and bonding among all of us is more than I could have ever hoped for. It's a very open and healthy thing. It could have been so different without the support and advice I got from YA.

Yes, I've grown, but more importantly, my family has grown.

Santa's Lil' Helper

I may not always agree but the personal experiences always give me reason to pause.

And the other day I received a very pleasant message from an adoptee.
Thanks. :-)

sizesmith

This forum has made me realize things on the other side of adoption also. It's helped me to realize our son's first mom's feelings about not coming to see him. As a matter of fact, it helped me give her the confidence to parent her newborn, born in mid-Aug.

t's also helped me understand my mother-in-law, who placed a child 48 years ago, who just this weekend was sucessfully re-united with my other half (they're brothers). Also, it helped me to give the brother space, and explore his feelings about his adoption (which he has a very good, positive outlook about).

Also, our adoption of our son was so easy, I now realize how hard adoption is for many people. I also understand the need for foster care parents more than I did before (am now going through the processes), and this has been a way for me to explore different possibilities of the ways others have been raised. It's given me a place to send a few people I know to ask questions about various topics in adoption and other subjects.

Also, it's reassured me that my decisions were right in many ways. I've been better educated about laws, and am considering adoption out of state, which I might have been too scared to do before. I also did the b-mom thing when our son's 1st mom was pregnant. Sorry "T"! I'm learning still everyday, and appreciate those who have answered, asked, loved, and even hated. All answers help make me a better person, if I agree or not.

Also, in our family, it't helped my mother-in-law tell about their brother, and reunite them. Things were different 48 years ago. One answer someone gave helped my sister-in-law adopt her stepchildren, after their mother died, without a whole lot of expense. But, most of all, it's made me be a better person for our son's first mom (NOT birthmom!). Thanks!

almost human

Can I just say that you all made my day?

Thank you for the honest inquiry and open minds. Your children are so lucky to have parents that listen and evolve.

You make this exercise all worthwhile.

Sophie

I always knew I was a great Mom... but I have more knowledge than I had before, yes.

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