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I gave up my daughter for adoption, my friend adopted a child and returned her after 3 years. are we the same?
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I gave up my daughter for adoption, my friend adopted a child and returned her after 3 years. are we the same?

What I mean is, she thinks that what we did was the same, what are your thoughts? The little girl was from Viet Nam and she had many issues.
Additional Details
I gave my child up in 1972


Dear Snowwillow,

I think they are comparable or similar in some ways but they are certainly not the same thing.

Both of you had to lose a child. Both of you most likely struggle with terrible guilt. Both of you had to grieve. Both of you wonder. Both of you are judged negatively by others. Both of you suffer. Both of you lost a child and a dream.

Neither of you had the support you needed. Neither of you will ever be the same again. Neither of you can ever get back what you lost. Neither of you or your children will ever be the same

You carried a child but she did not. She had to "prove herself" (for lack of a better description) to get hers you didn't get the chance to prove anything. You have physical scars as well as emotional ones but hers are only all "invisible". You have many other FPs to "share" your pain and support you with your burden, while she probably has no one. You are able to have a reunion while she most likely will not. She will never have the chance to explain or recieve forgivenss, but thankfully you are able to have both..

So while they are very different there are things that you can both identify with and understand or empathize about.

I think perhaps your friend is looking for comfort in knowing she is not alone in her despair/guilt/wondering/etc. Since her situation is somewhat rare (not as rare as people would like to think) and also carries an even greater stigma than relinquishment of a natural child (so people don't talk about it), she probably feels terribly isolated in her feelings. My guess is she wants someone to understand and you are the closest thing she has.

You are right that they are different (as are all situations and people -even when they are more alike than this) but I think that this statement is more of a cry for understanding and support; a way to unburden and relate, to share lives in an intimate and emotional way.

My sympathies to you both. I am glad you have your daughter and some peace and I hope that your friend is able to someday find hers.

I think what she did was worse... after three years she gave a little girl hope that she might have a forever family and then turned around and changed her mind.. not very nice.

*Ethans Mommy*
not the same, you carried that child for 9-10 months in YOUR body, gave birth to her and then gave her up to adoption...

NO! There is a difference she bought a child like it was a bad book or something she returned it because she didn't want it anymore that is effed up. You did something different she basicly just gave up

I can understand you, but not the cow who returned the baby

*East Coast Mama*
I don't think it's the same situation at all. Giving up a baby for adoption from birth (which has got to be a very difficult thing to do, my mother in law did it) is much different than accepting a child into your home and then giving it back because she has "issues"? Isn't that what you kind of sign up for when you become an adoptive parent? Or am I wrong?

Freckle Face
Dear Snowwillow,


In 1972, you were probably made to feel as if you had no other choice than to relinquish your baby. You had no choices.

Your friend chose to parent. Your friend chose to quit parenting. Your friend had two choices for each situation.

im ok with your case... your prop ably young and that must be hard to have a child...

but i believe that what your friend did was wrong... letting the child get attached and then taking it away... thats bad in my book

Wish you were here
Thats so messed up..

chelsea v
well you're the same in the sense that you both gave up a child, but you gave up a child that was your flesh and blood, she gave up a child that was someone else's flesh and blood

Emmzz Babbiie x (Elly)
Umn.. No. You cariied her in your body for about 9 months then put her up for Adoption. Your friend didnt .

I am 12 and I am adopted it makes me feal special....why did you give your child up for adoption my birth mom was too young!!

but I love my family!!!!

If u gave up your child at birth you are not as cruel as your friend who kept a child she adopted for 3 years and then gave her up.

I think both situations are tragic.

It's sad when a woman (or man) is unable... or just feels unable at the time... to parent the child they created.

It's sad when a child's needs overwhelm the adoptive family. I hope a family would try to work through it, but any family, adoptive or biological, can get into a situation they just can't handle.

I wouldn't be inclined to pass a moral judgment on either situation.

what she did was terrible

some children agonize over thae fact that their birth parent(s) didn't want them or couldn't have them in their lives but it can ease their mind to know that they have someone there to take them in and love them

she took the child in..gave her false hopes and then destroyed her life and probably her trust of any future people who may adopt her

do you know how hard that is on kids to think that theya ren't good enough to be loved
i really hope she doesn't get over it...that is something that causes lifelong hurt that can never be taken back

i want to cry for that baby

Mom to Foster Children
IMO - you are not the same! She and you both made choices, but how do you give a child back? I mean, we have a son who test our limits daily and has issues...would we give him back (we are hoping to adopt before the end of the year). Um, no!

IMO - I am guessing that you gave your baby up because it was in the best interest of the child. Your friend gave her adopted child back to the system because in her eyes maybe it was in the best interest of the child...but as you "wrote" it was because they could not deal with them...so, she gave her baby back because it was in her best interest!

ur not the same

I don't know the details from either side of the situation, so there's no way for me to have an opinion about it. People do what they do for their own personal reasons. None of which are any of my business. You both gave up a child for one reason or another, so in that sense, yes you are the same. Its the details that make a difference.

I don't think anyone has the right to say that one is more terrible than another. I'll assume that both of you were in a position where you couldn't offer the child the life that they deserved, so you both gave the child up to someone that could. As long as you both had the best interest of the children in mind, that's not "wrong" in my book.

I think it makes a difference if you gave up the child when you gave birth to her or took her home with you and then gave her up for adoption when she was older. You don't give much detail to for people to be answering the question.

hmm. well, i think it is different because she actually wanted to take responsibility for that child, but she pretty much gave up and decided to return her, like a broken toy at walmart or something. i don't think that's right.

then again, i don't know about the entire situation, so i could be wrong.

Living for God
it sounds to me like we need to see more of the story to answer that!

Stephanie B
y have a kid if your gonna adopt it. poor kid...she has to live without her real parents

You gave her up because you couldn't raise her for whatever personal reasons right from the start. You wanted your baby a chance at better life with some other parent since you were aware you couldn't provide it. I understand and respect you.

This pathetic woman who adopted this child, obviously had the means- as she went into it with open eyes and was even cleared by child services about her raising capablity. What she did was unforgiveable.

no i don't think so...
you had an obligation to the child you gave birth to
and she just gave the kid back to the adoption agency
so i kinda don't think its the same.......

Shelleen L
No you guys are not the same. You decided you didnt want the child while it was still at a very young age. She went into a stable home. Now i think what your friend did was terrible. Now that child is getting bounced around from home to home. That adds to her issues.

No I do not think it is the same at all.

I do not know your personal situations, but let me talk in general terms, I know people waiting for 3-4 years for a baby to adopt.

When a woman gives her baby up for adoption because she knows that she is not able to care for it properly, and the pregnancy was a mistake it is a hard but mature decision to make, and permanent, you can't take your baby back later. And there are tons of people who can't have children of their own waiting to love a baby. It's not a bad thing at all.

To adopt a baby and then return it?? (Did I really read that right) is cruel. people like her make adoptive parents look bad and foreign adoptions so hard. How can a person go through all of the process to get a baby only to return it 3 yrs later?? she raised a child for 3 years and then just returned it, like what, returning a dress you didn't really like because it was only a fad.

She went out to get a baby , gave it hope for the future and then threw it all away, she was playing a game with someones life, that was a terrible thing to do.

No it is not the same you gave up ur daughter so she can have a better life. they took in a baby who needed help and gave on her. how horrible if they cant take full responsibility they should have never taken her in.

if I may say
I think that hers is worse. Think, how upset would you be to give up your child so she could have a better life but she ended up with a person who gave up on her and put her back in an orphanage?

There is nothing wrong with giving up a child for adoption...there is something wrong with giving up on a child from adoption.

At least you didn't abort.

no. returningg iss friggen rudee.

u just couldnt handly u r child and personally icant blamee yahh it is very hard work.

Donna Dee
Well no not the same i assume you gave your child up at birth therefore you did not bond with this child. Having a child in your care for 3yrs and then giving it up seems like it is kind of cruel as she knew of the problems she would face with this child and chose to Adopt in the first place.

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