I get to talk to an adoptive couple from pa on the phone tonight?

tish

hi...

i have a couple of comments:

"i really might not do adoption, but i have doubts."

then i would strongly advise you not to make the call... there are many young women who raised kids with not a lot of money (there are tons of resources to help you, especially in NY state).

also, i would caution you about open adoption. for the most part, it's a lure to get young women to place. it's not legally enforceable... in other words, if the adoptive parents decide to cut you out, they can..without any warning or reason.

you need to make sure you want to do this... if you have the smallest degree of doubt, take your time, rethink this and explore other options.

good luck :-)

ETA: wait a minute... you MET THEM ON THE INTERNET??? was it through an agency? if not, please don't make that call. seriously, if they are on-line looking for a kid, then it's possible that they did not pass a homestudy, or got something else going on...

they asked you to email proof of pregnancy, but what have they sent you??? do you know about these people??? to your knowledge, they haven't been screened by an agency, nor passed a criminal background check. for all you know, they can be sociopathic pedophiles...

no...just no....

MamaKate

Dear Caitlinn,

(((CAITLINN)))

I am so sorry that you are in this position. I am a First Mother (original mother) and I think you should wait and get some more information for yourself before contacting ANYONE - ESPECIALLY over the internet! Also know that "open" adoptions are NOT legally enforcable!

I know you are probably terrified and confused and feel alone. You are NOT alone.

How do your parents feel about all this? Who is helping and looking out for you? Are you dealing with an agency? Are you even aware of all your choices, resources and possible help? Have you considered a temporary or permanent guardianship with a trusted friend or family member?

Please research adoption before you make this permanent choice. It will effect you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. It is a PERMANENT solution to a temporary problem.

Do NOT let ANYONE pressure or bully you into a choice you are not comfortable with.

My heart goes out to you and I hope that you end up with the best choice for you and your child. If I can help you or anwswer any questions for you, please don't hesitate to e-mail me.

Here are some great web sites:

Help for Teen Mothers:
**http://www.advocatesforchildren.org/pubs/2005/pregdirectory.pdf (an assistance directory for teen mothers in New York)
Also -
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.healthyteennetwork.org/index.asp?Type=B_BASIC&SEC={8E484FFE-A002-49B2-B15B-223BEC235C19}
http://www.mothersandbabies.org/
http://singlemothers.org/cms/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=64&Itemid=68

On having an Ethical & Safe Adoption:
http://www.ethicanet.org/itemlist.php?pa...
http://www.karensadoptionlinks.com/pear/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=ethical...
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

Here are some blogs you may be interested in:

First Mothers:
http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/
http://exiledmom.blogspot.com/
http://birthmom1986-confessionsof.blogsp...

Adoptees:
http://chezblot.blogspot.com/
http://adoptedjane.blogspot.com/
http://amyadoptee.blogspot.com/

Please get some counseling before making any decisions. Is there a public agency in your area that won't sway you one way or another that can help you?!? Do you have health insurance? If so, you can get counseling through there? You sound lost and confused. :(

jm1970

I would stop pursuing adoption at this point. Please go to a crisis pregnancy center (NOT AN ADOPTION AGENCY) and get some counseling.

You need to remember how badly any couple who is out there wants to adopt.....they are going to say ANYTHING to get that baby, agree to anything.

I'm not saying all PAPs will lie, or that they are baby stealers or anything like that, I've been infertile and I know how desperate I was, I'm also an adoption social worker.

Here's the thing...it isn't legally binding, which means they could promise you anything, but once the adoption is final, the baby is their child not yours and it is not enforceable in court.

Maybe adoption is what you need to do for yourself and your child, but there are programs, there is help out there. A crisis pregnancy center will explore all options with you and not pressure you either way.

I'm not saying it would be bad if you gave the child up for adoption, but maybe you don't have to!

Doesn't matter if boyfriend has a new girlfriend...he has to pay child support and if he doesn't it is a felony!

Please get some help and support....and if you decide on adoption, don't do it through the internet....go to an agency. I'm worried you will get taken advantage of.

Good luck and God Bless you!

tickled blue

Dear Caitlinn,

Your doubts are normal and are warning signs telling you to rethink this or think about it some more. Your child is already living and breathing inside of you....living off YOUR heartbeat, off the food that you give him/her. You are free to do what you want in regards to your child, but I strongly suggest you read up and listen to other mothers who have given their children up--and how they feel to this day for that decision. Further, you also need to understand that 'open adoption' is not legally binding in any way. They can agree to have an open arrangement, they can agree for you to visit as often as you wish, but they DO NOT have to commit to that agreement. Even if it is written. They can pick up and move or simply not answer their phone if they know it is you....and they have every right to do so....as the child would be theirs and you would have no legal rights to the child once the adoption is finalized. Please know that some people will tell you anything you want to hear in order to get your child. I am sure there are some adoptive parents who truly do want you to be involved, but there is absolutely no way of knowing until it is too late.

IDK!!

Ask them if they will consider a closed adoption......
if they say, "sorry, but no" then you know they are probably for open adoption.

if they say"oh yeah" then run the other way.

.i think you should keep your baby because if you already feel like you cant do it now, imagine how you will feel after you give birth.

Independ"ant"

I would suggest you let the authorities know about this conversation just in case they are psychopaths.
They obviously have unaddressed deep emotional problems if they are trying to adopt your child through yahoo answers.

xlinzx88x

the government can provide you with TONS of help. don't call them or even think about adoption until after you have the baby, you may regret it for the rest of your life. get child support out of the father and apply for wic.

Cartier

Wow, I agree with Independent? Whew!

Please let the authorities know about this couple... do not go anywhere with them alone... do not give them any personally identifiable information right now.

Please ask for an adult's help. the adult doesn't have to ba any relative-- just someone you know and trust. Okay?

GEE-GEE

I adopted 3 years ago and did an open adoption. You have to feel comfortable with the couple if you want to keep the communication open throughout the childs life. Ask them questions like:

Who will be staying at home to take care of the child?
How do you plan on discipling the child?
What religion if any, will the child be raised around?
How many nieces and nephews do you have?
How often do you expect me to visit the baby?
What do they do for fun? (just to be sure that they are going to get out of the house and let the child explore the world)
Do they travel a lot?

There are a thousand questions you can ask. Just take it one step at a time.

sizesmith

Be totally honest with them. You might even contact them by letter or e-mail to tell them you've changed your mind.

As an adoptive parent who'd like to adopt again, I would much rather have someone tell me up front that they're not sure, than to paint a nursery, love the baby (and we AP's do love the babies before they are born), and then lose it.

If you do talk with them, ask questions like, "I'd like to visit the baby every 6 months, including birthdays, how will your family react?" By asking a question that is leading, it is less likely that they can answer than if you'd just asked, "Do you agree to have open adoption?" which they'd automatically say yes to in order to get the baby. There are so many things, and you can insist upon calling evey night, it's your right to make sure that you are not only sure about placing the baby, but that you are sure they are people you feel you can trust.

If you choose to proceed, read and keep EVERY paper you sign. You can even insist upon copies of their driver's license, so that way you can find them later on, and you can even get a notarized letter stating that you have the right in the future to find where they are. My prayers are with you. I realize that this is a life changing event that no matter what you choose, it's kind of a no win situation. Also, know the legal situation of over state lines adoptions, and make sure you realize how long you have to change your mind after the baby is born, just in case. Some states it's final within hours, and other take 6 months or a year. Also, if you revoke, you'll have to do it in writing, in person at the courthouse usually, and before the deadline.

Marsha

First of all just be yourself. You know about the couple because you read their profile, but they know nothing about you. Be prepared to tell them about yourself and the situation. They should be interested in getting to know you -- not just the details around the baby.

Ideas for questions to get the conversation going:
What is a typical weekend like in your family? What did you do last weekend?
What do you like to do together for fun?
Do you have things you like to do on your own?
Do you ever fight? What about? How do you resolve disagreements?
How do you (will you) discipline?
What are your plans for childcare?
Tell me about your family. What are your relationships like?
Who are your best friends?
What led you to adopt?
Why do you want an open adoption?

You don't have to ask all the questions, just pick some to get the conversation going -- or to get them to talk if you feel like you are doing all the talking. Also you will probably think of a ton of questions after the call, so ask what you can do if you think of more questions (can you call again, email, etc.)?

Also, I would be up front about your doubts about the adoption.

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