I have a question about the number of assumptions made on this adoption board?

I guess this is aimed at some of the 'regulars'. I've been reading the q&a on here for a while now, and I'm astounded at some of the judgements and assumptions that I see.

I see alot of questions aimed at people who write off adoptees as 'angry' or 'ungrateful', and I agree that is wrong.
However, primarily I see many people explaining that all biological parents, regardless of how abusive or neglectful they are, are somehow saintly because they lost their child/ren. I'm obviously talking about those situations where adoptions needed to happen for the child/ren's own safety.

I understand that genetics play a role in who a child is, I really do get that. What I just can't get my head around is the fact that some people seem to believe that genetics=love, or that every single biological parent out there is a good parent because they share DNA. Or that a non biological parent can't love a child in the 'true' sense and is somehow inferior.

As a foster parent for over 9 years (I've quit now, I couldn't handle it anymore), I guess it's frustrating to see some of the blissfully ignorant statements I see on here. I don't mean that rudely. But for people to suggest that genetics necessarily means undying, unconditional love, well, all I can say is tell that to some of the the children who scream at the sight of their parents, who beg not to have to go near them, who get sent back to biological parents only to be burnt, or broken, or occasionally killed.

Are people so upset by the non-necessity of their own adoptions that they're unable to see reason for other situations, or is it something else? I would love to hear peoples perspectives and opinions on this.

Thank you.

Heather B

There are good and bad parents whether they're related biologically or adopted.

I agree there are too many generalizations made and things simply are not black and white.

Star

These people have never been in the situation of one of these children.Giving birth to a child does not "a good parent" make.

I commend you for the years you spent caring for these children.
I'm sure it was hard to see them leave to go back to the same situation.

The CPS sure needs reorganization and needs to be checked regularly by the government.

Anha S

Not all natural parents are good, I totally agree on that. Genetics dont equal love, but they do give a person an idea of "who" they are. Their history, background, medical. Not having access to that is frustrating and maddening.

I see many people on this site, including myself, that are strong advocates of adoption from foster care. Maybe I missed something, or I'm oblivious, but I haven't seen people outright say that all biological parents are good based on DNA. I've however seen it often said that if a person is in a position where they can care for their child and do right by them with a little help, they should do what they can to keep their child. I also see it often suggested that people look into foster care as their route to adoption rather than domestic/private/international adoption. But again, I might be missing something, or just not reading everything that contains this kind of thing.

My adoption wasn't necessary, but I certainly believe in and see reasons where it is indeed necessary. I also think its sad and unfortunate that these children who are truly in need of a safe and loving home are routinely passed over for the ever so elusive infant.

PhilM

Honestly, I'm not sure what your question is.

I think you're suggesting that adoption is sometimes necessary because not all biological parents love their children. Am I right?

If not, then I really don't have a clue what you're asking.

If I am, then I would agree that biology doesn't equal love. (And neither does adoption/fostering. As Heather said, bad parents everywhere.) But I disagree that the only way to handle some situations is adoption.

I don't dislike adoption because I think biology=love. I dislike adoption because it creates a fictional identity (and sometimes, a fictional history) for a child who already has an identity. As adoption is born from loss, until we have more honesty in the discussion, we will continue to gloss over the very real problems it hides and covers up.

rachael

MEI LING NAILED THIS ANSWER!!!!

i think what you are seeing as 'love' is more along the line of acceptance. when you share certain things with a genetic family you are more understanding. but when you are an utter oddity in the home you live in and the family you have---it makes for some real identity issues.
you dream of having that acceptance and sense of 'normalcy' in your everyday life. little things, things non-adoptees take for granted.

you have to understand that growing up is a hard thing for anyone, but to feel totally outside the whole box.....well, it can impact someone more than you can imagine.

my aparents were fantastic. i love them for what they have done for me and given me. just as my sister does-their biodaughter.
i do thank my bio parents, all the time. i am one of those children that was given up for my own safety. they never stopped loving me or thinking of me, they did what they had to, to protect me.

sometime anger comes out in frustration. these posts you have been reading from blissfully ignorant adoptees or flatly angry ones are valid and honest.
no one can judge or make a general statement about all of us. its not fair.

maybe

It sounds like you are comparing your experiences with foster parenting to infant adoption. Children in foster care may have come from abusive situations where CPS had to get involved.

In contrast, most adopted INFANTS were NOT ABUSED and would have been perfectly fine staying with their natural mothers.

sweetjane

In the year that I have been on this forum, I have NEVER seen or heard of ANY person suggesting that abusive, neglectful parents should be seen as 'saints' or even that they should be allowed to keep their children. This question is about assumptions being made......and the ONLY assumption being made is that "many people are explaining that all biological parents, regardless of how abusive or neglectful ther are, are somehow saintly because they lost their children". Obvioulsy, when ANY child's life or safety are at risk, removal and placement with another family is necessary.....and there is no one that I have seen who would suggest otherwise.
<<Foster to adopt mommy

Mei-Ling

You say: [Genetics does not equal love, or that every single biological parent out there is a good parent because they share DNA]

I agree with you.

But on the other side of the coin: paying thousands of $$$ does not automatically equal love, either. It just means you're wealthier and have more political power in a court case. And the screening doesn't automatically mean you'll be a good parent, either.

It's not that you *can't* be a good parent, but that you automatically won't be one just because you've passed multiple home checks and screening tests.

And I believe there is a bond between mother and child that forms in-utero... that the amother cannot "duplicate" no matter how hard she tries. It is a psychological bond that involves the same blood and connection of fetus/infant to the mother.

BTW: I've never seen anyone here suggest that abused/neglected children should stay with their bio parents. Ever.

Abused children are physically harmed by their parents, but they don't understand WHY. They'll want to get away from Mother and Father because they don't want to be hit anymore, but at the same time they'll wonder what is wrong with THEM and why Mommy and Daddy don't love THEM because of the abuse.

So it's not that black & white.

sunny

You've been reading for "some time now", but registered yesterday? Uh-huh.

If you have been reading here, do me a favor and pull up an answer from a 'regular' who says that abusive, addicted nparents are "saintly".

I've NEVER seen it and you haven't either.

furfur

I guess adoptive parents aren't the only ones to wear the rose colored glasses surrounding adoption. As you said, there are some terrible assumptions made. I think for some it is easier to point a finger than to acknowledge that they were dealt a pile of lemons and the proper thing to do would be to make lemonade from them. It doesn't mean that the "lemonade" process will be easy, but they should be trying to get there.

Marina

I am an adoptee, who used to post in this section until I got too aggravated by all the people implying that I suffered a loss when I was given up for adoption. That I was ripped away from my biological mother and should somehow be suffering in one way or another...like there may even be something odd in the fact that I'm not. I haven't any desire to meet my birth mother. She gave me life, great. Other than that, I feel nothing for her. She did what she had to do for her own reasons, and I accept that. I had a good childhood with great parents...my only parents. That's all an adoptee or any other person needs...excuses to close people out and not try. I can't stand it.

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