I have adoption question from someone who has actually been in state custody before.?

âœ§ â“â“˜â“›â“¨ â™¥ kaelers, emy & bella

Hi.
I was in care for a relatively short amount of time when I was 11. My own experience is irrelevant to your question, but I did live in a group home with some similarly aged kids.
From what I could get from them, yes, most did want a family. However, this doesn't always SEEM to be the case. Most kids who've been in foster care learn not to depend on anyone else. They shut themselves down and don't trust anyone to stick around very long, since most of the time that's what happens to them. They may claim not to want a family even if they really do, since they're very nervous that this new family will just abandon them when things get tough. They may feel a loyalty to their birth family, even if they haven't seen them in years. Some might feel a lot of anxiety and emotional confusion upon having new people in their lives.

It's almost inevitable that if you have no pre-existing relationship with the child, it will take quite a long time for them to trust you, since their whole life-education has told them that adults cannot be trusted. It's not going to be like an instant family. It's not going to be easy or pretty, and you have to go into this KNOWING that if you are not prepared to be 100% committed through the worst of times, you're going to be just another person in the child's life that they can't trust or depend on. That's a big undertaking.

But yes, if you are willing to be in it for the long-haul and you learn to understand kids this age (foster care sometimes offers special classes and seminars on this) and their unique situation, I think most would want to be adopted and have a stable family.

One other note, if you do indeed go through with it, please be considerate of the child's feelings. Many children this age are very resistant to changing names, severing certain ties with siblings and/or relatives or other such changes. It almost always makes things smoother if you allow older children to make the decision regarding their name and whether they even want to be adopted, and do everything in your power to keep them in contact with their siblings and relatives.

A V

So here are my 2 cents...Let me provide you with a rundown of my background..I was adopted at 21months...placed in foster care and eventually made a ward of the state at 12 due to discipline issues...needless to say I went to foster homes; group homes; homeless shelters; etc...I would have given anything for a family...

I mean don't get me wrong in the juvenile system you meet a lot of great people and have many adventures but the adventure of a lifetime is knowing that when times are rough you aren't going to be shipped off to another place...the teen years are hard enough as it is with puberty; Jr. High/High school; etc...as soon as you think things are going well something happens and you have to change schools; change families; most of the time change the part of town you have grown accustomed to over the past few months...

I will say this in ending I commend you and your husband for finding love in your hearts for an older child because I know that I needed it back in the early 90's so I know there is someone out there needing you now...

vas

Older children also want to be adopted. Children want to belong and have a permanent home to call there own. Foster care does not give a child that sense of belonging as they know it only takes a phone call to lose the home that they are in.

iamboundee

Almost all children, even/esp the older ones want to have a family of their own. However, like all teenagers, they come with not just the normal set of anxieties and hormones, but those from having been in state custody, in foster homes, (good and bad), from being abandoned, abused, neglected and ignored.

They want to belong, be loved, be treated fairly, given boundaries and consistency.

You say you know it will be hard. I said that too. I said, "I can do it, I know what the problems will be, I know this and that and I can handle it... "

I did, but didn't. I have my daughter now, and it has been the hardest work I EVER did. and it still is. Yet, I look at her, and know, that she will never be a homecoming queen, a straight A student, a college graduate... yet, she is NOT on the street, she is not on welfare, she will be responsible, independent and happy... and not a burden on society.

Just remember, have patience, know that you will cry, you will regret it and you will second guess everything.... then wait, for the evidence that you have done a good job.. and made a difference in someones life

[BUMP] Coming July '09

In my years of experience as a family and juvenile law paralegal I have never heard of a family having difficulty adopting an older child (however, I have not worked on any cases where the children were over 14 years old).

But I could see that by the age of 16 or so some children may have unfortunately lost all hope in ever being adopted.

If this is something you are serious about, and it sounds like it is, I am sure you will find a child in your preferred age range that would be a fit for your family. Stay persistent and best of luck to you!

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