I have an adoption question and could use some help!?

BOTZ

Unfortunately, as many (including ...a mrs. ...) don't know, adoption records do not automatically "open" when an adopted citizen becomes an adult. Adoption records never open. In a few states, 6 exactly, the adopted adult can receive a copy of his/her original birth certificate, thus receiving the natural parents' names. The 'adoption record' however, still remains sealed. Forever.

There are many ways to conduct a search without the information contained in the OBC, though. And without hurting your mom. I did exactly that. I posted on every registry I could find, online and otherwise, with enough information about myself (that I hoped was true) that my mother would recognize me, if she ever looked. She did look, thankfully, and contacted me based on one of my posts.

My search was for medical reasons, too, but I had other hopes as well. I was very fortunate that my natural mother also wanted a reunion with me. :-)

I would suggest that you go to the website in LaurieDB's post. She is a well-informed genius (IMHO) when it comes to both facts and resources regarding searches for natural family. The website my mother found me through was www.the-seeker.com. In many of the 'search' websites I found, there were links to others sites, other resources, and other PEOPLE (that was the most helpful thing to me) that can offer both search assistance and support.

You can do this! No matter what your goals are: medical info only, questions answered, an on-going relationship -- or any other combination of reasons/desires, you deserve what you seek. We all, as humans who were adopted, deserve that, as our non-adopted associates are entitled.

Two other things I would suggest. Think about what you already know that you may not think is important. As an example, the KEY to finding my natural father was that he was (is) very musical. He plays many instruments and sings, which fact I learned in the non-identifying information provided to me by the agency that handled my adoption. Once I had his name, from my mother, I still had a bit of a struggle finding him (albeit a short struggle) because his name is somewhat common and my mother had been out of touch with him for nearly 30 years. I did one internet search after another, using key information that I had and adding it to other things I learned, until I finally found him! Yay! He was very pleased to hear from me -- which was just icing on the cake -- and I was very happy to ease his pain in thinking that I had not 'wanted' to find him. He was, sadly, under the same mistaken impression as most people, that I would be/had been given all information about myself as soon as I turned 18. While he struggled to understand that particular human injustice, he was relieved to know that my silence had not been rejection.

I hope you find your answers. I hope you learn all the medical information you need. I hope you can find peace. You deserve it!

Best of luck to you! Take care!

LaurieDB

Your adoptive mother may or may not have any information. Often, adoptive parents have very limited information.

However, all states have different laws in place regarding information access. It depends on in which state the adoption finalized. This would normally be where your adoptive parents were living at the time of the adoption.

This link http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?page_id=39 will lead you to information about what is available to you in each state. Just click on the state where you were adopted to find out what you can get.

Six states (Alabama, Oregon, New Hampshire, Kansas, Alaska and Maine as of 1/1/09) will allow you unrestricted access to a copy of your original birth certificate. Some states will allow you access to it depending on various factors. The information on this link will tell you more on this. The original birth certificate is your pre-adoption birth certificate. It has your first mother's and sometimes first father's names on it.

All states will give you what's called non-identifying information (non-id.) Although it doesn't identify your first parents, it can yield some useful information to help you out. The link will also give instructions for each state regarding non-id.

Be sure to sign up with the International Soundex Reunion Registry at http://isrr.net. They are the largest reunion registry in the world. Although not everyone knows about registries, it's still good to sign up just in case.

I'm sorry your mom appears to have a hard time with this. Hopefully you'll be able to talk with her about it at some point. Let her know that it's not about her, and it's not about your love for her. Adopted persons who search aren't looking to "replace" anyone. But, we do have our own history, origins and past information that is important to many of us. The fact that you are having so many health problems would hopefully make sense to her as to why you'd want to be able to find out more.

k4yjo

I was in exactly the same position as you. Im not sure where you are but im in the UK so i know the system here.
My Mum couldn't handle it so well either but i did chat to her about it and she respected my decision. Theres no reason why you have to tell yours yet though, you could wait until you have traced your birth mother, theres no point upsetting her unless you need to. (i never call my adoptive Mum my REAL Mum as i feel thats disrespectful to my Mum who brought me up. She may not have given birth to me but she did give me life.
Firstly go to your local social services office and ask for help, they are usually good and may do a lot of the work for you, or can at least advise you and guide you along.
You should have a birth certificate although this will be a shortened version as its an adoption one. On it it tells you your place of birth. You can then get a copy of your original full birth certificate (from the registry office of the place you were born) it will cost you a couple of pounds to buy a copy. On your original birth certificate it will tell you your birth mothers name, possibly your birth fathers name, and possibly their address at the time of your birth.
Once you have that you can then check the electoral role to see if they still live there, you can also check marriages (as your birth Mum could have married and changed her name) and deaths (incase your birth parents are no longer alive)
It often doesn't take too long to trace people in the UK now as over the years record keeping has drastically improved. You could and should also get a copy of your file from the adoption agency who dealt with your adoption. This was invaluable to me as it included interviews with my birth Mum while she was pregnant with me and gave me a real insight into what was going through her mind, from them i also found out i have 3 brothers and a sister.
Once you have traced your birth Mum your social worker can act as a go between. Theres no reason why you have to meet her if you don't want to, you can still obtain any medical information you need. That was one of the reasons i traced my family as i was settling down and wanted children but knew nothing about my genes or medical history and i wanted to check it out.
Keep an open mind and take things slowly.
Best of luck

sizesmith

Perhaps if you asked your mom in the following way: "Mom, I know you had a hard time when (sister's name) asked about finding her 1st parents, however, I really think that with my health problems that we ought to find out my health history. Would you help me find them for that reason? Please help, and know that this is the reason I feel I need to know, because you have always been there for me, and you will always be my mom, no matter what, but I feel I really need to know something for medical reasons now, so maybe I can avoid future problems."

As an adoptive parent, I am always amazed at the AP's who won't or don't tell their children about their beginnings. My son's first mom is the one who doesn't follow the open adoption. I'm secure enough with my love for my son that he will always know that everything I do, I do for his benefit, including working with and trying to help his 1st parents. Good luck!

im here

Unfortunately, unless you know what state you were adopted in and from and if it was a private or through an agency, you are probably going to have to ask your mother. Do so gently, start with reassuring her it's not because you don't love her or want to "replace" her, but for health reasons. She should, as a mother, want you to know your health history so the doctors will be better able to treat you.

mrs. anonymous

I would think that now that you are legally an adult, the adoption records should be open to you, but I'm not sure how it works in your state.

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