I just found out I was adopted! Did I have the right to react the way I did?

greenbean

Yes, you absolutely had the right to react the way you did. The operative word here is react- you just had this enormous bombshell dropped on you from a really great height, it is completely natural to react in that way. If you're adopted and know all along, you always feel like your world has been tipped upside down, so you're experiencing that tipping for yourself now. I think what you should do it take some time for yourself, either stay at the library or get a coffee or whatever and when you're feeling calmer go home. You need to speak to your adoptive mother- she has so much information that you're going to want, so you need her to be around at the moment. Also, you need her to be around because she is still your mother- she brought you up, put the plasters on your knees etc etc and she must have kept from you believing it was for the good, otherwise she'd be keeping it from you out of some sort of malice and I just can't see that being the case.
Guidance given to adoptive parents on how to brooch the subject with their adopted baby seems to me to be inconsistent. Some parents tell their baby everything (that they're legally able to) from an early age so it's never a secret, some tell their children when they're older, maybe in the belief that they'll be better able to understand then, some don't tell their children at all, until that child finds their adoption certificate at some point. I'm sometimes not sure myself which is the best way. I've always known, right from a very early age, I actually can't remember not knowing, and while that might seem very open and honest and therefore the way to go, it did mean I've grown up knowing nothing about myself other than that I was adopted, and there just seems to be no end to the questions that that throws up- who am I, why do I look like I do, who did I get this that and the other off, do I get migraines because 'she' did, am I argumentative because 'she' was, whereabouts in the world is my family from- have I got scores of Belgian cousins or something, what religion would I be, what was 'her' pregnancy like, will mine be the same, are there twins in the family, things like that. I could go on forever but I'm sure you get the point. The thing is that those sorts of things come up for anyone who doesn't know their birth family, regardless of whether they've always known or found out by accident 2 weeks ago. I wonder if your parents were trying to spare you that, or spare you a childhood of wondering what you did wrong to make your birth mother and/or father give you up for adoption? I don't doubt for one second that there was absolutely anything you'd done as a baby that made this happen, but as someone who grew up knowing something about themselves they had no way of understanding until considerably later in their life I can say that while I am (after years and years of deliberation, and even now only very tentatively) grateful that I've always known there have been literally thousands of times when I wish I'd never been told and that I thought for years and years that it was my fault, that I'd somehow left my birth mother with no option and that she would now resent me for all the pain I've caused her.
What I'm trying to say is that as an adult I can see that it is such a difficult decision for an adoptive parent to make, whether to tell their adopted baby or not. I sometimes think that the best solution would be to be able to somehow mature the baby's mind by 20 or 30 years or so, tell them and explain everything to them then let their mind somehow go back to being a baby's. That way you'd have grown up knowing this astoundingly confusing thing about yourself but you would understand because your adult mind would have comprehended it so much better. Of course, that's not possible so all an adoptive parent can do is to decide whether they're going to tell or not, stick with their decision and cross their fingers, which is sometimes the best thing to do and sometimes the worst. I just don't want you to stay angry with your mother, I really really think she thought she was doing the right thing. She's probably dreaded this day the whole time and telling you will be one of the, if not the, hardest thing she'll ever have to do.
That's not to say you're not allowed to be angry, of course you are. If you feel angry, let yourself because you are going to have to deal with this and anger is part of that. But, your mother will be terrified at the moment, terrified that the relationship between the two of you is irrevocably ruined and that she either has or will lose you. She's now living with the consequence of her actions, except that at the moment she doesn't know what that will actually be. I would really like you to think about everything I've said before you go home, and I would really like you to go home but also to please remember that you can take this at your own pace, and that you're allowed to be angry. Remember that she'll have had pros and cons for telling you and not telling you- it's important that you hear all of those. You can unclose a closed door but you can't unslam a slammed one which is why you need to take your time over this. Your mother will be going out of her mind at the moment so please let her know where you're at with things because she needs to know, because she cares about you and that's really all she's ever done.

DevonChaos

It is okay to react this way. Basically they withheld something from you that is very fundamental to your being. I am adopted and I have always known. I cannot fathom finding out at your age. They did something (in my opinion...) unforgivable. They needed to hear your reaction to this, because they did something very wrong. If it were me, I would have been way more harsh. You have every right to feel the way you do, and if you need to talk to someone, there are tons of adopted people on this board who have similar experiences. I'm sure they'll see this and give you advice also.

I wish I could give you a big ol' hug. You deserve one after this.

Lina

I reacted practically the same way! Only I was 13, and my adoptive parents knew my birthmom was dying so, I spent the summer with her. first time I knew. It's fine!

Mom to Foster Children

Why should you be sorry for YOUR feelings? You have every right to feel the way you do. My son knows he is adopted (he was &) - but I could have never kept such a secret.

Jennifer L

Well, if my parents waited until I was nearly an adult before dropping that bomb on me, I would have been angry too! I think you had a normal reaction to some pretty shocking news! I don't think it's something you should be sorry for and you certainly have the right to feel however you feel about this.

Anha S

You have every right to your feelings on this, good, bad, angry, ugly, whatever they are, you are entitled to them. You have been dealt a real blow.

You have a right to be mad, and while you may not feel your reaction was your crowning moment, it's understandable. I don't know on the sorry bit, I'm ambivalent. On one hand if you genuinely feel sorry for what you said, but on the other hand, I feel she is the one who owes you a whopping appology and she bought your reaction by keeping your truth from you all these years.

www.adultadoptees.org this is a fantastic place for adoptees.

I wish you well in your healing from your discovery.

Neil

Adopted or not, we all have the right to feel however we feel. We're also responsible for what we do about our feelings.

Minnimouse

You have every right to feel that way. I'm disapointed people still think it's okay to hide the truth from their adopted children.

If you feel really strongly about saying sorry then go ahead, but I know I wouldn't. I think it's wrong to expect a child to live a life and then have the cheek to tell them what the reality is when they are at a time in their lives when they should be finally figuring out where they fit in the world. Now everything's confusing.

Children should know they are adopted when they are babies, when their adoptive parents talk about it openly, even before the baby can talk.

I was always told I was adopted but not told a huge lot about my background and that my biological grandad was visiting me every year and who he was. When they told me who he was when I was 15 I screamed at them and it took me months to not feel angry at them about it.

minimouse68

You were misled about who you are and where you came from. I think anger is a very normal response in this situation. Adoptees frequently experience feelings of loss and abandonment, and all the issues that come with those feelings even if they dont know they are adopted, the mother-child bond is set in pregnancy. You are not alone in this, there are lots of us who have experienced the same things as a result of our adoptions. Dont cut the road to communication with your adoptive mum though. She was responding to her needs and following the guidelines commonly given to adoptive parents," take em home and shower em with love and they will never know." Just because it doesnt work that way didnt mean that your mum meant to hurt you or intended you harm. Look to the love you and she have for one another and work it out from there. Email me if you want to talk.

Fading

You have every right to have reacted the way you did. She should have been honest and upfront from the start.

I think that shes the one that owes you an apology,

do you have somewhere else to stay until stuff cools at home? Like a friends or boyfriends?

grapesgum

Yes, you have every right to react the way that you did. You have the right to be mad that she did not tell you sooner.

You do not need to tell her that you are sorry. She violated your right to know your history.

I think that it would be a good idea to ask her to find a counselor who has experience in adoption issues so she can start to get an education about your right to know your origins. Hopefully, she will see how she has wronged you so she can start to make amends so that your relationship can be repaired.

sometimeswrong

Tou have already answered your own question. I too am adopted, you are not mad at her. You are in shock and didn't know how to react. Now that you have thought about it you know you will go put your arms around Mom's neck and tell her thank you for all you have done for me, I can't tell my mom that anymore because she is gone now but I thank her inside everyday. Good luck to you.

bounce bounce

its ok to feel the you do ,i was told i was adopted at a young age but lucky for me i forgot all about it as i was very happy in situation i suppose, later for a job i needed my birth cert, to read thriugh it ,iifell apart, and coulnt remember been told early in my life ,but we sat down and talked, it seemed strange but after a few weeks everthing settled down, and ive had a great life ,with very supportive mam and dad,iguess iam saying in long way round, take deep breath,buy a small bunch of flowers and go back home give yr ma a big hug and ask her that when yr ready could you talk about your adoption.good luck .

C Wood

You are feeling horrible now because you realize you were being really unfair to your AM. You have a right to be upset at not having been told that you were adopted. You had a right to know long ago. It's best to tell children while they are young and help them understand you did so to give them a good life that their birth parents were unable to give them.

BUT
While your feelings are fine, your ACTIONS were wrong.
Feelings are simply indicators of how you're dealing with what's going on and how the sudden news is affecting your emotions. Feelings are never right or wrong. They are simply indicators of your emotional status. It's how you ACT on your feelings that can be wrong.

You had a right to tell your AM you were angry at her for denying you the truth for so long. Telling her you "hate" her for not telling you is immature, so you're not ready to get married this July.

All the **** you've been through would not have been caused by your being adopted, and knowing would not necessarily changed anything about all that ****, so that was an unfair statement you made with the intention of hurting your AM's feelings. She was brave enough to finally tell you the truth and you tried to hurt her emotionally and punish her for finally doing the right thing she should have done years ago. YOU don't like being punished for finally doing the right thing and telling the truth, so you should NOT have punished her that way.

So... the bottom line is:
You don't have the right to react that way.
You DO have the right to be mad that she didn't tell you sooner.

If you're a mature girl, you'll go apologize for saying unfair things to hurt her emotionally when she finally did the right thing by telling you. Honestly admit that it was your anger speaking because you were so shocked to learn the truth, and you had good reason to be angry as she was wrong to deny you the truth for so long. Hopefully, she will apologize for not telling you when you were younger as she should have.

It might help repair your relationship with her if you ask her to tell you why she didn't tell you before. And why she finally did tell you... Maybe knowing this will help you forgive her.

By the way, we all go through **** in our lives. Please remember that you are the person you are because of what you've lived through. If things had been different, you would not be who you are. If you like yourself, there's no need to change the pains and hurts in your life, as how you deal with life's stumbling blocks is what makes you the person you are.

It's not important what we've suffered in our lives. What is important is, "did we learn from it?" and "did we grow from it?"
cw

red elephants

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I'm not adopted but I think you have every right to feel everything you are feeling. Angry, confused, upset, etc. You cannot help how you feel after something shocking like this.

It was probably a pretty scary thing for your mom to tell you and she probably didn't know where to start all of these years. Thats not defending her actions just saying that this is probably hard for her too.

At this point you are a grown up. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you feel horrible about your reaction and sorry for what you said to her then yes you should go home and talk to her and say that. You can explain how hurt and angry you are but that that wasn't the right way to handle things on either of your parts.

She is your mom regardless and even though she has made a mistake she still loves you and is probably doing what she thought was best. There will always be what ifs in life. We all have them. There is no telling if your life would have been better if you hadn't been adopted or if you had known earlier. Its natural to question things but you cannot let it take over your life and bring you down. You know? I hope you can work through this and talk with your mom.

ninewst22

i think tht was your normal reaction.. you should cool off and go home and ask her why she waited this long to tell u? also you are lucky to have parents who look after you b/c there are kids out there without any parents. hope that helps

Kay C

She should have told you from the start, but at the same time you can't blame adoption for every problem in your life. Genes account for very little, and your family is still your family. You have every right to be mad, but I also think you need to go home and talk this out with your family. It's not going to be easy for anyone, but it needs to be worked out before it stats to fester.

Noach D

well you do have a right to have reacted the way you did but maybe she only told you that now because she didn't want you to hold a grudge while you were young and have it forever and be happy she took you in like her own daughter i mean i also would be mad if that happend to me but i suggest you tell her your sorry.Hope that helps

durdenslabs

You have every reason to react. Whether it's positively, negatively, or neutrally.
Some people are just glad they had a family and were 'normal' vs everyone at school & growing up knowing you were 'different' or 'special'. Not that it's right to hide it, but just a feeling I've gotten from others that were told later in life.
Some people react as you did and wish their parents had told them sooner because they think it would have (and could possibly) explained a lot about what they went through growing up.
Others just simply don't care. My husband was adopted as a baby and told when he was about 13. He just took it in stride and said, "You raised me, you took care of me & you loved me. You are my parents. No one else."

I'd suggest going home and apologizing first. Then, calmly, ask why they decided to wait til you were almost 18 to tell you. Maybe they have a good reason.
The point is that you know now. What you do now is up to you.

lovin life

Just realize she didn't tell you, not to hurt you. I am sure she was trying to save you from negative feelings. Yes, I am sure it hurts. But, hopefully she has been a good mom and a good influence on you. Finding out at the young teen years would have been much harder on you. Now you are 18 and beginning to figure yourself out and what person you want to be.
Try to see her point and just feel happy you had a mom and didn't grow up in foster care or a group home.
Good luck to you and rebuilding your relationship with your mom.
God bless

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