I know honesty is usually the best answer?

Mom to Foster Children

I do believe in honesty - but depending on the age of the child - I also believe in giving them as much information but only enough information that their brains can actually absorb and understand. As the chid gets older I would explain these things, but I don't think I would mention that she is a miracle to be alive.

BOTZ

My Niece's father (my Niece is my Sister's Daughter) is a pedophile and child molester with multiple convictions and has spent more of HER life (my Niece's life) in prison than not -- she is 8 years old.

He is also a person of interest in a cold-case rape/murder of a small girl (age 7).

She has never met her father and, since she has started asking about 'him' -- "Where's my dad?" and "I don't know who my real dad is." -- my Sis has explained to her that her "father" has made some very, very bad choices and because of that, he can't be around little children. My Sis has assured her that "when the time is right" she will know all about him...his name, location, everything... then she (my Niece) can decide what to do about it. Although my Sis is HORRIFICALLY ANGRY at the man and has ONLY disgust and contempt in her heart for him, she has never voiced openly negative or nasty comments about him to her daughter (or within her hearing).

My Niece is satisfied with that answer for now and hasn't yet asked WHEN the "right time" will be. When she asks that, my Sis will tell her the *age-appropriate* truth.

You should NEVER lie to a child. They are the most accurate lie-detectors on the planet. If it's too harsh to tell the FULL story (age-wise, details-wise) then tell her the TRUTH at a level that is appropriate to her understanding. Such as, "They made some very bad mistakes. They needed to get some help and learn to make better choices before they could 'know' you." (That is if you intend to let your child know who her natural family is at some point.)

You don't have to vicitmize your child in order to tell her the truth. It can be done...carefully.

Take care!

Jen-ee-fur

depends how young she is... if she's too little to understand, then you could probably just tell her that they weren't able to care for her properly... but when she gets to adulthood, I'd think it'll be important to tell her...

Nicho

depends on her age.
but i would tell the truth. at the same time reinforcing how much you love her/him and the abuse had nothing to do with your child.

julie j

Hi Nighteam,

Thank you for recognizing that all of your child's personal & family information is his/hers and that honesty is the best policy. Adoptive parents are trustees of the child's information.

First, are you certain of the facts of your child's story or was that told to you second hand? I would verify what you know or else present it as "from what we were told" perspective. I believe if the child is asking, the child has a right to know truthful answers. I would try to answer by saying from what you understand, their mother or father had some problems that made it difficult for them to meet the needs of a baby. In order to keep him/her safe, another home had to be found. If you know the type of problem or illness that was causing it, then let the child know. Mention that does not make their parent a bad person, it was the behavior that was wrong. Reassure them they (the child) did nothing wrong. You might also teach them about how addictions can lead to poor choices if that was the case.

You should use discretion because children tend to view comments on their parents as a reflection of themselves. That's why divorced parents are supposed to try to refrain from saying negative things about the other parent in front of the children even when that may be difficult. So keeping it age appropriate without anything that might be considered judgmental or disrespectful is the best way to handle the responsibility of telling them.

Expect this to be more than a one-time conversation. They may ask again over the years as their comprehension expands. Continue to share honestly and with kindness. By the time they are 18, they should know everything that you know. Thanks for asking, and hope this helps.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Minnimouse

I was abused by my first adoptive family and my birth mother was mentally unable to care for me. However, my parents didn't even tell me I was adopted before them and abused. I found out by sneaking around and looking in my dad's diary when I was 15 because my parents wouldnt tell me ANYTHING (I thought it would have basic information as its not really a personal diary more a record of what happened on each day). I was sooo livid because I found out all this information in the diary "we met a baby today 5 months, she has been in hospital because she was abused by the adoptive father,,,very tragic.." and then further on "met the baby again today, had to go through rigerous tests, I had to lie about a couple of things...I don't know if this is right really." (lovely)...."learned about the baby's mother today, she's got something like schizophrenia and is in ____mental hospital".

Imagine what I felt about my parents after reading all that. I was livid. Not because of the abuse. Not because of my mother being mentally ill. Not because my adoptive parents lied when they were questioned. But because they hid all this from me. By being silent they lied about 5-6 months of my life that I had a right to know about.

If she is over 6 I would recommend you tell her the truth but in language that she can understand and try not to be too gruisome (sorry cant spell the word). Just say something like "We are looking after you now, because even though your parents probably cared about you inside they didn't really know how to look after a child and hurt you. It was never your fault. It's like playing (a game she likes to play) some people are good at playing blabla and some aren't so good, that's just like parenting and we are sorry you were caught in the middle of it and we hope you love your time with us. If you have any more questions please ask me or your dad" Children CAN take it. She has gone through all this trauma, yet do you think she can't take a couple of harsh words? She might find it difficult to cope with at first, but she will appreciate knowing the truth early, rather than learning it late and shattering her trust in you.

Good Luck.

P.S and one more thing, I had trauma that surfaced from my abuse that came up when I was 9 when I regrettably abused my kitten. I would go into a seizure type state and strangle her and then stop and cry and cry and shake and shake. I was scared so much that I wanted to kill myself I felt so guilty about what I was doing. I didn't understand and I was scared to tell my parents. It was only when I found out that I was abused that a counseller told me it was from my abuse. I was so relieved I cried for hours. I thought I was the most evil person. And by the way I never hurt an animal before or after than, I don't even like killing spiders.

Lamar Loves His Mommy

tell her the truth. its going to hurt her but she will be glad that you told her. don't hide it from her. it will hurt her more if you don't tell her.

opedial

My kids know the truth, which is that their mom could not take care of her. They are old enough and we have told them they can talk specifics as much as they want with us, but they hvae not wanted to as of yet. We have their social history for when they are ready for it, until then I am letting them enjoy a childhood they did not receive earlier.

rachelrmf@sbcglobal.net

While she is still young i would just keep it at her parents could not care for her very well and when she is at an age that is appropriate than i would get a little bit more specific.

Speak to a family psychologist about this. I wouldn't tell them about this for now, you might just open a really bad can of worms if you just jump the gun...

sizesmith

That question would be age dependent. At age 6 telling her they couldn't take care of her is the truth without scaring her into oblivion. As she turns into a teen and gets to a child bearing age herself, she needs to know the truth. The truth with as little putting down of the parents is best. By putting them down, she may see that it's a reflection of her own personality and may doubt her parenting abilities in the future. Good luck!

0rthodox

id keep the specifics to yourself until the child is old enough to understand but don't over do it the child may want revenge or something

Sam W.

First, congratulations on your adoption. Second, you are in a rather difficult situation. First, I do feel that you should tell your daughter that she was adopted. But, when you initially tell her I do feel that you should say simply that they were unable to take care of her the way that she needed (which is still true).
Now, later, if she begins asking about trying to contact her parents, then you should give her more information. I also feel that it is very important for you to know that she does NOT necessarily need all of the details. If she begins to seek contact, you can begin by telling her that her parents did not take care of her safely and she had to be taken away. Then, and only then should you give her the actual details of what happened to her.
I say this because, while she may not remember the specific abuse which occurred, it could very easily cause her to suffer dual psychological issues as she gets older. First, she would have the traditional adoption issues about not being wanted, then they would be complicated by "they hated me so much they nearly beat me to death." Anyway, just my take, good luck in your situation.

socrates

I think it depends on the age of the child. Certainly its better to be honest but if the child is rather young they don't really need to know all the specifics.

Iya

Your right honesty is usually the best answer. How much you should tell her really depends on her age. If she is really young tell her that her birth family was not able to take care of her like they should have. When she gets older and she want to get more information tell her the information you have on them. it is better that she hears it from you because you will be able to help her get threw it. If she searches and finds out on her own what they did to her she may be upset at you for not telling her the whole truth.

Teddy R

Honesty is usually the best answer, but not always the best answer. And in your case, I believe that it all depends on the age and maturity of your child. A sensitive and difficult topic like abuse might be better explained if the child is at a maturity level where they can not only comprehend exactly what that means, but also be able to withstand the mental affects that it can possibly have (regardless whether they remember it or not).

Tan Tan

Depends on what age she is. When she gets to the age that she can handle it like 16 or 17 i think you should tell her the truth, but until then i don't think it would be such a good idea.

Well age approitate honesty is the best policy. YOu don't tell a 5 year old that but a 17 year old can handle it. Talking about adoption is not a one time thing. It is continuous and you reveal more as time goes on

Stef L

how old is your child? how old was she when you got her? did yo adopt her? you should tell he rthe truth and then when she's old enough, let her seek them out herself and she can find out on her own how mean they were.

sea_blonde

That depends on her age. Young, I wouldnt yet. Just tell her that her parents were not able to care for her.
Teenage I wouldn't tell her about the abused part, unless you have some kind of documents so you can just take it out and let her read it herself, then be supoortive to any questions she may want to ask.

barracuda

Depends on how old she is , and also remember that when she gets into her teens that is a sticky area too cause alot of adoptive children lash out at that age. i would tell her that her parents could not give her the life they wanted for her and wanted her to have a better life.
When she is older like in her 20's but depends on her maturity level , then tell her the truth and let her know that u did not want her to have that thought in her head grwoing up . When it comes time when she wants to meet them , then that would be the best time to tell her the truth or you could wait and see what she gets from them when she meets them. Cause you do not want to look like the bad guy in the end . Remember if they try and butter things up to make u look bad u wil have proof from the hospital to back u up.
i wish u the best of luck ,

Sam

I agree with orthoman. :) Wait until they are old enough to understand, or better yet only tell them if they want to know. But make sure they don't get their hopes up about who their real parents are, make it clear their real parents couldn't care for them.

Jennifer K

I'd be honest with her about being adopted but until she's in high school or actively trying to find information on them, I wouldn't say the specifics.

kendra m

I would tell her that her birth family was unable to care for her. That's the truth.
No need to walk up to a fat person and tell them they are fat. It will only hurt their feelings and cause more trauma throughout their life..
Yes there are some things better left UNSAID!

nana_bby09

tell her the truth or she will try to find them

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