I need advice for putting my unborn child up for adoption or not.?

LaurieDB

Here's an online resource to help answer some questions about giving up a child. http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
If you want to parent, it can certainly be done. My grandmother was 15 when she had my mom. But, you know what? She wasn't 15 forever. Within a few short years, she was married to her life partner, with whom she had her next child, my aunt. Her parent wanted her to give my mother up, but she was glad she didn't.

Only give up your child if this is absolutely what YOU and YOU ALONE want to do. This is your flesh and blood. Relinquishment is forever, youth is not. You don't actually make the decision to relinquish until after the birth. It is illegal to relinquish a child prior to the birth. So, you still have some time to prepare if you decide that you want to keep your baby.

If you do choose to relinquish, keep in mind that open adoption agreements are not usually enforceable by law. Although there are adoptive parents who honor the agreement to maintain contact, there are also those who don't.

I can't say for certain how your grandmother will feel after the birth. She may or may not change her mind. I've known it to go both ways. However, this is your child, and ultimately YOUR decision to relinquish or parent your child.

ETA:
It looks like Possum was writing her response around the same time I was, so we ended up posting the same link. It's a good resource.

ETA 2:
Another poster suggested that a first mother doesn't lose her child when she has an open adoption. Of course she does. She may still have some contact, but she has lost that child as her child. A friend of mine went to a birthday party recently. The child turned 8. It was at the child's home, thrown by her parents who adopted her. The first mother was also there, because it was an open adoption. My friend is friends with the first mother. Despite the first mother being able to have some contact with her daughter, my friend said she could still see the pain in the face of the first mother, because her daughter ultimately is not hers. She did lose her daughter in a very important sense.

Further, this poster said not to believe that open adoptions can be closed. Well, there are plenty of first parents who have had that rude awakening. The calls stopped. The pictures stopped. The phone number got changed. The letters got returned. Yes, it does happen. And, NO, in most states there is no legal recourse. I'm going to take the word of those who have experienced this happening to you rather than from someone who is touting Bethany as a good resource for you.

There is a book called "Fast Track Adoption." One of the suggestions in the book for people to get a child faster is to agree to an open adoption (since most relinquishing mothers want this,) but then just not maintain or allow contact after the adoption finalizes. "Fast Track Adoption" was written by an adoptive parent who did just that. You can Google "Fast Track Adoption" to find out more about the book. Most adoptive parents may not follow such an unethical suggestion, but there are those who do. The author did.

JoHn S.

Chances are your grandmother will fall in love with your child within seconds. I would at least try parenting before making any other decision.

Shelldo

:( having a baby is the most wonderful experience. My 2 children are the greatest blessing in my life and I couldn't picture life with out them. You can be a great mom, and your baby needs you to be! Don't give this baby up because Gramma is worried, it is your child, Prove that you can support him/her and show this baby love. Gramma will provide the unconditional love toward the child anyway. Please, you will regret your decision, you will end up blaming your grandma for it. You will always wonder where your child is and what they are doing for the rest of your life. My babies are my pride and joy and when they call me mommy and hug me and tell me they love it fills my heart with joy. You will experience this and be so thankful.

hispregnantwife!

well hunny only part with your baby if your 100 percent sure you cna go your entire life without seeing him or her again.most open adoptions become closed http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adoption/index.html.
I know this msut be a difficult decision for you on one hand you would be doing a great thing for a couple in need on the other you baby already knows you your smell your voice everything. I personally think babys need their mothers & you are the mother the REAL mother and no paperwork in the world will change that. there is lots of help availble for young women . I would suggest not talking to ANY adoption agency until your sure about this they often coerce young women into thinking they are unfit mothers and are just incubators for some poor infertile couple. you need to seriously weigh all the options and no matter what you choose trust it is the right decision noone loves this baby like you do and you know best.im not telling you to adopt out is wrong because sometimes its a good choice but know the choice you make is the best one not only for your baby but yourself as well.

Gina

For me the only answer is to keep him. You're going to live all your life thinking and recriminizing yourself for it. You can take care of him, I feel it because of your words. As soon as your grandma will have contact with the baby, she'll change. It's YOURS, don't loose it. He'll like to be with you rather than anybody.

Amy D

If you have even the slightest reservation about giving up your baby- Don't do it. You are already a mother. Of course, things will be difficult for you, but if you can stay focused on your child and creating a stable future for yourself and your baby you will find success and happiness.

Possum

Be very very aware of your rights.
Be very aware that adoption agencies will tell you anything - as they want your child - they really don't have your best interests at heart.
Make sure your read this -
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
Don't make any decisions until after your baby is born. Hopefully your grandmother will come around. This is her grandchild after all.
I wish you and your baby all the best in the world.

Lori A

Your grandmother is justified in her feelings. If you don't use her as a dumping ground for your child then it should all work out fine. You will need to make other arrangements and only ask grandma when neccessary. This will allow her to enjoy her grand child instead of feeling burdened. You can be a good parent if it's what you want to be. I guarantee you opened adoptions become closed just like possum and Laurie said they do.

If that happens you will have to live the rest of your life not knowing where your child is and wondering if he or she is okay or even alive. I lived that for 28 years, I don't recommend it to any one.

Start checking into day care resources if you are going to need them to finish school or work. Talk to your grand mother and show her that you have taken the responsibility of finding child care. Lots of grandparents do the child care and get paid by the state to do it.

You can make this work if you want to, but you have to be a parent, not a part time party girl, a real honest to goodness parent.

good luck in what ever you chose. I hope it is your child.

Prissy

dont do it if ur not 1000% sure. if u really ready for a baby and ur grandma dont change her mind theres places that help programs that help pregnant teens with shelter clothes everything in the end all ur baby needs is mamas love

Felicita1

I do not think you are too young to be a good mother. I have a good friend who had her first baby at age 14, and is now the mother of 5, grandmother of at least 3 and has had a successful career in education. Her children are also all successful. She was an excellent mom to all her children.

Some people may recommend open adoption, but don't choose it if you feel you cannot live with a closed adoption. It is still adoption. Even in an open adoption you have NO right to see your baby no matter what you are promised. The agreements are not recognized by law and do not stand up in court. The adoptive parents will still be the only legal parents your baby will have and have the right to close the adoption at any time. You will no longer be legally related to your baby.

A real decision about adoption can only be made once a mother has recovered from giving birth and has gotten to know her baby and the love and bond she will have with it. Adoption was designed to provide homes for orphans and unloved and unwanted babies: If you love and want your baby, then keep your baby because you have every right and may make an excellent mom with the right support.

Studies (like the ones listed below) are now coming out every day that support the fact that teen moms in fact do well. In fact, some studies find that they do better than if they had postponed parenthood. The URL for one of these is below.

dontknow86

OH....This sounds like my story, My mom made me give my baby up, It been of life of HELL for me everyday I think of my baby girl ! I HATE my mom for this, I'm a cold heartless person unable to love anyone or let anyone love me. Its been 21 yrs. and nothing has changed. Keep your baby.

lyyyyyysssssss

if you can show your grandma that you are mature and responsible enough to keep the baby and not make her take care of it, then you should try and keep it.
You should try and keep it any way. Im the same age as you, and im adopted, and atm i would do anything to meet my birth mother, father and sisters!
And even at this age, ive thought about my future. Adopting 2 children and then being a foster carer! I cant wait! Although i gotta wait 10 more years cos you have to be 25!
Good luck with your baby :)
x

grapesgum

For the sake of your child, I advise that you work with your grandmother to make a plan to keep your child. Your baby needs YOU - not some strangers.

Show your grandmother that you are being responsible now. Check with your school for daycare so you can stay in school. Look into resources to help with baby furniture and clothes. Churches are great places to start. Check into WIC program for nutrition for you if you nurse or formula for your baby. Start being responsible around the house. Instead of hanging out with friends, help your grandmother cook and clean. Show her that you understand that your life style has changed.

Curiouse Carrie

if you don't want to give the child up don't Show your grandmother that you can take care if it she well be proud of you keep the child and raise it yourself no matter what its your life and your child no one can tell you want to do so keep it and raise it! you well be happy you did i promise

Ash

my friend had a baby when she was 15,yea it was hard 4 her but she loved the whole experience and pulled thru just fine.this is ur decision not ur grandmothers,she does although have a valid point of u maybe giving her all the responsibility so prove her wrong.u can still go 2 school and finish,there are options of childcare centres and some schools have child care avail.also which myt be a beta option is 2 take 1 yr off school 2 care for ur child then go back and finish

sami(RIP Ian)

awww i hope ur grandmother changes her mind
and if she does i hope u and the baby can make it you know?
and if not... then it is hard to give a baby u want up for adoption... my mom did and you know the kid will always want to find you someday..
maybe you can keep intouch with the adopted parents...

cmc

Sorry you are in this difficult position. Your grandmother shouldn't pressure you to place the baby for adoption, but then again, it must be hard for her to raise a 15 year old, and I can understand why she wouldn't want to take on a baby. However the decision is yours. Do you have any other family you can live with who would be more supportive of keeping the baby? What about the father, can he help?

If you do decide to consider adoption, you can look at an open adoption where you could get to know the family while pregnant and then continue to see them and the child after the birth. However unfortunately some adoptive parents aren't all that supportive of open adoptions,so try to find a couple that is very sincere about this.

Please try and give this a lot of thought. Also see what kind of government support would be available to you (welfare). THere is nothing definite that you have to decide until after the baby is born. You can decide then if the baby can stay with you and your grandma or find another home at that point.You can also select a family while pregnant, but let them know you're not sure...Until you sign the relinquishment papers after birth you can always change your mind (don't let anyone pressure you otherwise).

hbrhonda

Think of the baby's needs not of your own. What is best for him/her. Is Grandma willing to support and help raise this baby? Or it it going to be in a hostel environment. Do you know how many married couples are out there wanting to adopt a healthy baby? I had a baby when I was 18. I gave him up for adoption to a wealthy family in Texas. He had a wonderful life with so many things I couldn't give him. I am now 38, financially secure, and I have 4 more children. Would I have done things differently. Absolutely not!!!

Roberta P

I feel for your Grandma because she know what is in store. Will she be the one taking care of the child while you go to school, work, hang out with your friends? How are you going to pay for this baby? Government hand outs or grandma? Just because you studied the responsibilities of caretaking a child doesn't mean you are ready to.

Your grand mother will love the baby but that doesn't mean she wants to raise it. She's raised her kids and her kids' kids. She is ready to live life for herself not start over.

Is adoption the right choice? Maybe. Think of the life you can give the baby. Think of the life you will have. Is this what you want for either one of you? School (HS and college) will be very hard to do (not impossible). Dating? Many guys especially teens and 20's don't want to be an instant daddy to your baby. I remember my teen and college years and a baby would not be a pleasant part of either.

Keep the baby your life will change forever. Give the baby up your life will change forever. Be a mom and do what is best for the child, not for you or your grandma. Being a mother is putting your child's needs, wants and life before your own.

I thank my daughters first mothers for doing the right thing and putting them up for adoption instead of killing them due to their special needs and the stigma associated with them.
I may never meet her but I think of them all the time and wish I could thank them in person for their sacrifice.

Charley

Either way, make sure you know what you're getting into...do the research. I know you've studied the responsibilities of raising a baby, but are you prepared for the expense? Formula's expensive, diapers are expensive, doctor's visits, clothes, insurance, plus think practically about your future - finishing school, college, driving?? Think of child care while you work to earn money? I'm not advocating either way, that's your decision, but I do want you to really know what you might expect.

For adoption, you can screen and select the families, sometimes get to know them before the baby is born, and sometimes keep in touch with them. But it's very hard to decide and give up your baby - that I understand. It has been done before, and having a supportive family helps. Perhaps you can ask another teenager who's had a baby what it was really like? That might help you come to a decision as to what the right choice for you might be. Talk to people and get as much info as you can to make the best decision for you and your baby. Good luck!

Pat Brown

Your grandmother has lived long enough to know if she is able and willing to take on the responsibility of raising a child from infancy at this stage of her life. It is really a LOT of work and responsibility. Don't expect her to change her mind.
Adoption is a positive choice when you are not ready to commit yourself to the daily, lifelong care for a child starting at age 15.
Maybe you should find an adult to help you explore options-- your doctor's office, a school counselor, your church group, an older relative.
Some teens parent their babies, but it is hard and they miss out on some parts of growing up. Open adoption, done correctly, gives you reassurance that your child is well and the adoption choice was a good one. You also participate in selecting the adoptive home for your child.
You're already involved with the first responsibility of a parent-- figuring out what are your needs and what are the child's, and how to put the child's welfare first. I hope you work this out in a positive way

Lamont

Contact Bethany Christian Services. You can talk with them and they will tell you all of your options with no pressure. They specialize in open adoptions where you choose the family and you can arrange to visit the baby, etc... I know a girl here who did this and she sees her son once a month or more. The parents send her photos regularly. She talks to him on the phone whenever - it's a wonderful ending to a crisis pregnancy. She is now able to complete college and have more options for her life. She didn't loose her son this way either - I think it was the bravest choice she could have made! I was so proud of her!!!
It doesn't hurt to talk to them - they are the best agency I know of!!! And do not believe the others on here about open adoptions becoming closed - you can have it LEGALLY done however you choose.

mellishw

I chose an open adoption through the Mormon church and a family attorney. I made it clear that I wanted to choose the family and I interviewed them myself so I knew the background of the family. I was too young and and I wanted the best for the baby. You are a very giving and selfless loving young lady. There are so many childless couples that will give the love your precious baby deserves. You will be able to go back to school and one day have a loving family of your very own. I went through an adoption registry to provide the family a way to contact me in case of medical needs because little guy has my blood type. The infp also helps in case the child chooses to want to meet you at adult age. God bless you and a big hug to you!

bellaxmamii

you're 15. im 16 and i know that i am too young to have a kid. but adoption may be the best thing. theres such a thing called open adoption where you can be in the babys life but they raise it and you can come and see the baby and everything. and since your pregnant and know what its like can you answer my questions please ?

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