I need help with a foster child who continuously lies..crazy lies!!?

Heather B

LOL - heck I lie about how many cupcakes I've had and I'm 38 years old!

wynn

One of my children used to do that same thing. It was frustrating. I knew there had to be a reason for it, but my daughter wouldn't talk about it. Punishment, in my opinion, would not have solved the problem. I didn't believe that she even knew why she was doing those things. She wasn't in control of it.

So whenever she did something like that we sat at the kitchen table together after dinner and she had to talk. I would ask her questions and she would say she didn't know. I'd make us some tea and we would end up sitting there until bedtime waiting for her to think about and express some of her feelings. She could not leave the table until either bedtime or she said something about what was going on with her. It took a long time, but gradually she got to where she could answer me what she was feeling at the time, what she had been thinking about earlier, etc.

One time she finally started crying and told me she was just so mad at everyone. Over the next few weeks she told me how conflicted she was about her father, how helpless she felt in her own life, some things that were happening in school. She had spent all her early years repressing her feelings, but once she was able to think about and express her feelings, everything got better. Besides that the lying and bad behavior has stopped, she's so much happier herself and she does talk to me whenever something's on her mind.

Looney Tunes

Hello. I did not read all these other answers.

Let me tell you:
IT IS VERY COMMON FOR FOSTER KIDS TO LIE TO YOUR FACE ABOUT RIDICULOUS THINGS.

For example:
Foster Mom asks: "LT did you eat the apple?"
LT responds while holding the apple core: "No, foster mom, I did not. The dog did"

Happens all the time. It is not indicative of RAD. It is indicateive of the following:

1) Fear that if she says the truth, you are going to get MAD.
2) Testing behavior. How are you going to deal with her? Are you going to hurt her? Are you going to lock her in the bathroom? Or are you going to handle her ok, even though she did something not appropiate.
3) Because the kid does not know any better. She may not have developed properally and so she may not realize that lying is wrong. To her, she is simply doing what is normal.
4) She does not care about you or others. Her life is full of people who left her that she could not trust. Now, she does not care.

How do you deal with this?
1) PREVENTION. Don't put her in the position to have to lie. Monitor her all the time . You must be consistent and reliable and truthful, so that you model for the child. She may be 5, but developmentally she is younger.

2) RESTRICTION as punishment and appropriate lessons. For example if she steals a pack of gum and lies about it. Make her take it back and apologize. Then restrict gum for a couple of days.

3) CARING...ready?
What prevents her from doing this? When she cares about others. Right now, she is probably so used to being not able to trust others, that she does not care. When you and her other care-takers start showing LOTS of caring....she will begin to associate that her behavior is hurtful to those she cares about.

EVERY FOSTER KID HAS ATTACHMENT ISSUES.

The most common behaviors of foster kids:
lying
stealing
hiding food
peeing and pooping outside the bathroom
wetting the bed

Let her learn that you CARE ALOT and some of these will go away.

redheadsdontdye

It sounds like she is testing you.
I was a foster kid. I never had any boundaries growing up, and every foster family i went to live with would get the same tests, I would push their boundaries until they couldn't take it anymore just to see if they would pass me along to another foster family. Unfortunately, i never found a permanent foster home... she wants you to be consistent and not give up on her.
well, that's just a guess anyway.

p.s. i wouldn't be so quick to diagnose... just keep loving. it will take a lot of time for her to trust you. years even!

Sophia M

There's usually a reason for lying. Maybe she's rebelling against you, or maybe she just wants attention from you. In any case, the only way to really make her stop is sit down and talk to her.

mrowr3

Uh, lady, she's five.
She's going to lie to you.
I don't see how lying about eating cup cakes is an epidemic sweeping the nation.
Kthnx.

ily<3

5 year olds are supposted to lie, its not like they know better . just have a talk with her about how lies are bad and they get people into trouble

Edit: why did i get a thumbs down im only telling the truth, another person said the same thing except in diffrent words and she doesnt have a thumbs down.

Kitty

It's normal for any five year old to lie. My older sister when she was little blame her imagery friend Ricky for any trouble she got into. It is probably a stage she is going through but It's up for you decide what to do.

purple monkey dishwasher

Be patient with her. It may be confusing for her with her other family not in the picture. She may be testing you to see if you really want her or if your going to abandon her. Dont give up on her, and be patient. Dont yell, but punish her when she lies. Take something she really likes away from her and when she does something good praise her like crazy.

opedial

We were foster parents for years, and adopted children recently ages 4,5,6. You have to understand, that children who have suffered loss and tragedy will have problems. Lying is one way of coping for them.

Sure this could be indicitive of other problems, but she may just be testing you until she trusts that you will be there always and love her no matter what she does.

Give her time, she is only 5 years old. It is too early to diagnose.

All of my kids automatically say they didn't do somethign when they clearly did (for example pen in hand), but I know that before in their original home they would have been hit if caught so INSTINCT is to lie for them for self-protection. I just look at them when they are lying, say "don't tell stories" and MOVE ON, such as cleaning up the mess or other events. Sometimes when you pay no attention to the lie, tell the kid you love them enough, and think to yourself "this is what they need to do to cope", then your child will be better off.

Don't expect the same behaviour of this child than those who were raised from you at birth, it will take time, patience, and love!

littleJaina

Just lying doesn't necessarily mean she's anything except an obsessive liar. Believe it or not, there are kids and people who just lie "just because", because it comes naturally to them. I struggled with it as a child - I would say ridiculous things just because they came into my mind. My grandfather was such a habitual teller of extraordinary tales that he began to believe his own stories. My little brother was also a compulsive liar. It took alot of time and patience to get through his worst time period (about ages 8-10)

Here are some suggestions that his therapist gave my parents. They seemed to work, eventually:

1) If she tells you the truth about a misbehavior, don't punnish her. Say that you are disappointed in her for doing it, but that you're happy she told you the truth. You can warn her that if it happens again there WILL be a punnishment, but unless you actually catch her in the act, you just have to bite your tongue on little misbehaviors.

2) Don't react to the lies. If she tells you a lie, don't argue with her about how it's a lie and ask her to tell you the truth. Simply say, "I don't believe you" and l

Mom to Foster Children

I have an almost 7 year old who doesn't fully comprehend the concept of a lie. She probably thinks it's a game. When she says no, simply say we tell the truth in this house and we don't lie. Explain to her what the lie is and how to tell the truth. To be diagnosed with RAD doesn't completely include just a child who lies - if that were the case -then all of my children suffer from RAD. Reactive Attachment disorder affects children who are moved from home to home to home and they learn to not attach themselves to anymore adults because of the fear of loosing them. Just because she lies doesn't mean she has RAD - it means she is just a child.

AvaRae

Usually child who come from broken homes, abusive homes, etc. have a disorder, which just recently was give a name, and for the life of me I can not think of what it is called, but I will ask my cousin because he told me about it and will let you know.

Basically, it is children who know there is a right and wrong but are wired differently and truly can no grasp the concepts because of the drama/trauma they have dealt with in their own life. They can not separate the two.

Independ"ant"

If they're just silly lies than why are you being so serious.

She's only 5. Give her time and support and don't make her issue if it is one about you.

Earn her trust and treat all the children the same. She may be sensing or feeling you aren't. Kids are more perceptive than adults think.

brown

Treat each incident separately, and differently. If she has a pen in her hand - she drew on the wall - she scrubs it off. If she doesnt have a pen in her hand all the kids have to scrub it off together. She ate four cupcakes. greedy. next time no cupcake for her. Stop using the word lie. She is not a Liar. She has some behavior problems. The whole family has to accept it and help her.

bigdawg694u

I am a foster child and I have a brother who is also a foster child and he lies also. I am 11 years older then him and when i have him and he starts lying I confront him. After that if he does not tell the truth I put him in the corner, literally. He is 15 so this is very demoralizing, and it only takes about 10 mins for the truth to come out. Let me know if this works.

Maria b

She is probably too young to understand the concept of truth versus lies. Explain to her on her level and give her an example or two. She will eventually understand it.

Groovy

You explain to her that she can't lie and why, then you put her in time out. Once she's out of time out, explain again why you put her in time out. While she's in time out, just ignore her if she cries. Let her sit there for an allotted time.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: