I need some thoughts on what was just told to me from adoptee/ AP from foster care?

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

I work in the arena you are speaking of and do not agree with that philosophy...at all.

If the children do not learn young where they came from..because you cannot hide it forever...then IMO they can perceive they are from something hurtful. Face it, the foster care system is not a walk in the park, for any parties involved.

Not all children grow up and "run away" to their birth families. You see that more with teens who are adopted than with younger children. I wouldn't call it running away either.....they come back.

I would say to put the paperwork you speak of away until the chil/ren can understand the issues which brought them to you. It may be really terrible to learn about all that goes on in these families unless you can process all of that. I tell the families I work with to put this information away for that reason only. Some of it has some really horrific details.

I believe limited contact with the child's extended "first families" is healthy...as I said, you cannot hide it forever and best to get it out right now. You need to maintain boundaries and limit confusion. Contact may simply be exchange pictures through the adoption worker or full on communication....you be the judge of that. Don't let some notion guide your way on something that is so incredibly important to the mental health and welfare of your children.

Nurture the goodness of where they came from.

I may get thumbs down on this but I work this every day.......

Andraya

I think your social worker is a fool.

I also think J V has given you some incredible advice.

Mom to Foster Children

An open relationship (thru foster care) is totally up to you. It depends on if the child came from abuse / neglect / drugs...etc. We show our son pictures of his mother / family all the time. As far as medical records he wouldn't need them until he was an adult. Just be sure to be open to him discussing his family and don't make it to where he feels he can't talk about his adoption. Be VERY open with him and while I wouldn't be overly positive or overly negative he just needs to hear the truth. We would love to have an open relationship with our son's family - but they still are not clean - and it's just too soon - not the best situation right now...but maybe one day that will change. We do have addresses / phone numbers (although they have probably been disconnected by now)...etc.

BOTZ

As shocking as this may be to some, I have a short post here. :-) I absolutely and whole-heartedly DITTO everything that JV has said.

I am a reunited adult adoptee. I am also a social worker by education/training/licensure although I do not work with DCFS/public social services anymore - did in the past.

For me, I was ready to know everything that my parents had to give me at age 14. Unfortuntaly, they were not ready to give it. When they were ready (when I was 19), they didn't have all that much to give me. That made us all sad.

I think YOU will know your son better than anyone and will be the best advocate for him and 'guage' for when he is ready -- along with him, of course.

Good luck!

sunny

JV did give great advice.

It's hard to know if these folks are dangerous, or the SW was exaggerating.

If you do meet them in person, maybe it should be at at public place--restaurant?

Until I could trust them, I would keep your home address private.

Good luck.

Annabelle

Wow, sounds like your case worker is very old school! I think we all benefit from knowing the truth. Maybe not every painful detail but the truth in general. You can judge for yourself how much info and at what time. Also, Is the family very dangerous? Gang or drug related issues? In that case I wouldnt have them at your house. Otherwise its your choice really. Think about what you would want if you were in your childs position. Good luck, you sound like a great parent!

Looney Tunes

Hm. I just want to add a different perspective.

Are the bio-parents abusive? Did they hurt the child? Is the child scared, angry, or showing signs of upsetment regarding the bio-parents.

If the above is the case, what the worker said makes 100% sense. Then I believe that she is basically saying you need to protect the child and let the child heal.
If the abuse affected the child so that the child is fearful, angry, upset, etc, etc., constantly exposing the child to the source (bio-parents) will continuously cause psychological problems for the child.

The child needs time to heal from the trauma without being constantly exposed to the source of the trauma.

===========
As for running back....usually that happens with older foster kids who age out. Why? They never have a family...so the minute they get out of the system, they return home, no matter how horrible it is/was.
But your son is becoming part of your family. It is different. I think then the situation becomes that of the issues of a traditional adoptee...search or not search?

==========

If abuse is not an issue and the child does not show signs of distress upon seeing bio-parents, then I think the worker is wrong.

Minnimouse

I would advise you to not listen :) My social worker was crap to put it extremely lightly. She told my parents to hide everything. It was the worst mistake she could have made. They hid some serious details about my life that I am still angry at them for hiding. I ended up sneaking into my dad's cupboard and finding his diary and read all the info. I was 15 and I was so shocked, I was scared to confront my parents and I completely lost my trust in them. Show your son the photos and the basic info like their interests, medical history if it's available and the reason why he had to be fostered and when he is older (say 13) tell him honestly and frankly (children can deal with things, they are strong and he lived through it) why they are worried he will look for them and what they could do, say that it would be safer for him to search them when he is 18 and that you will support him 100% (only promise this if you can).

~ ~ ~ ~

I would also like to add there is also the opposite extreme. I have known a few foster kids along the way and some were reminded over and over and over about their past. They were subjected to counselling and the social workers visiting again and again. This just made the memories resurface and once even caused Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in one case. Talk to him once or twice about it and make it clear (remind him every couple of months or so) that if he is upset or has any questions that he can talk to you, just don't go overboard and spend too much time going over it with him. Maybe just put the information/photos etc in a booklet or album and put it in a drawer if he wants to look at it as he wishes.

LaPri

This ? brought out several perspectives on adoption. Thank you for sharing.

IMO an adoption should be addressed with a child from day one. Of course with age appropriate conversations.

Rainia W

I think it depends on the situation. I always knew I was adopted (although it wasn't a foster care situation) and I always knew vague information about my bio-mom. I never idealized her in the way that I would prefer her over my adoptive family, but I never thought of her badly either. I got more information when I started becoming more curious in my teens, and my mom pulled out all the information she was given by the courts/social services to let me read through. I was probably 15 or 16 around this point. I still didn't idealize my Bio-family at all then either, but it did become more interesting to me and that's about where I decided to eventually search for my bio-parents.

If the biological parents are a bad influence, then I wouldn't have them around your son. I have seen foster kids who stayed in their shell until they were told there would be no visitation with their biological parents anymore, and then they just blossomed. Other situations, (such as where the parents care about the child, but just aren't stable or reliable and can't seem to become stable) should allow some open contact. It really depends... go with your gut feeling about the safety and emotional health of your son, and I am sure you will do the right thing.

Rather Bang Screw

I'll give you my opinion, but realize that I am the birth mother of 3 children that were adopted through cps/foster care, i have 2 children at home and one on the way wich makes 6.
O.K. I "found" my children, on accident cause I was bored on the comp. one day. I would love to contact the adopted mom! but I don't. I don't want her to think that i want them back(though I would take them in a heartbeat if she asked) and I don't want to mess up their lives. I owe them that, I wait for the day they come to me on their own. the only thing that i would want to do now at this moment in time is tell them they have siblings. but if you kno where she is and she changes her life in the future(which I did) then that would be a decision you would have to make. I am my children's mother, but they have a mommy and daddy, that unfortunatley i am not and can never be again.
I would never use my children, I Hope their adopted parents give them the joy that me at 19 with 3 baby's was unable to give.

I Care, So I Share....

Wow, but follow the recommendations.
They are warning you, don't try to be the "exception" to the rule. The kids are in foster care for a REASON. You want to become a foster parent for a REASON. That reason is that YOU are willing to put that childs BEST INTEREST first before YOURS.
Follow the rules. They have walked the path you are about to embark on...

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