I recently gave birth but im really torn?

Possum

If you have even the slightest hesitation now - DON'T DO IT - you'll have regrets for the rest of your life.
If you put your mind to it - you can parent this child - and there is help out there if you need it.
Adoption is a long term solution to a short term problem.
I'm in my 3rd year at University now - I'm 39 - and I have 3 kids.
You don't have to do things in any particular order to still be successful in life.
If you ask for help - you will find it.

Here are some site that you should read -
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
http://www.singlepregnancy.com/
http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=51995
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

I wish you and your baby all the best in the world.

ETA: By giving this child up to adoption - you are punishing the child for the actions of his father.
Explain to people what you went through - they will support you.
Man - you've been through hell and back.
None of this was your fault - and if anyone says it was - then they are not people you should have in your life.
Love this child with all of your heart - and one day - when he's older - be honest with him - he needs to know his truth - but at the same time - tell him that you love him (your child) for him - not for where he came from.
Take good care of you.
Hugz.

ETA2: be very aware that secrets always have a way of coming out.
If you don't one day tell your son the truth - and he finds out - he will not only be devastated with the news - but devastated that you lied to him.
When he's young - you can just say that sadly he wasn't a very nice man to you - and you now have no idea where he is.
Later though (maybe even when he's an adult) - like ALL children - he will want to know his truth - and he should be allowed to know it.
No one likes to be lied to their entire lives.
Please be very aware of that.

bails

My heart goes out to you but you really need to speak to someone qualified to help you. This isn't ever going to be an easy decision and now that you have the baby its making it all the harder. Speak to someone qualified, no-one on here is going to be able to help you make the right decision for you

grapesgum

Dear Sophia,

My daughter had a rough start on motherhood and we felt that we had to explain "this" and that we had to explain "that". I called my sister for advice. She gave us advice that I live by - "You don't have to explain anything to anyone. Just tell them that it is none of their business. Tell them that you love that baby and they can choose to help you or not." It worked. They all shut up and were thrilled for us. Rape is a crime. You did NOTHING wrong. You do not have to explain anything.

Your son deserves to be with his one and only mother - you. As your son grows up, you WILL find the words to tell him about his father. And he will understand that you love him so much that you do not care about his conception. You only care about his life - his birth - and that he has the best mom in the world - you.

There was another Mom recently on Y!A whose child was conceived from rape. She decided to raise her child after she was sure that she wanted adoption. I can't find her name tho'. Can anyone else help with this? Possum!!??

I also suggest that you contact Mary Cady Ford. She recently started a foundation for single mothers so they can stay in college. She was disgusted at her university because when she got pregnant, all the university supported was adoption or abortion. Yes, very disgusting. Here is her WEB site. She is just starting out but I am sure she can point you toward resources.

http://www.finishedup.com/about.html

Kiss that baby for me!

ETA - wow a thumbs down for helping a new mother who loves her son. You adopto-vultures are sick, sick, sick. Please go get help - today.
Freckle Face - SWAK - you are awesome to post all of those links to mothers from rape. But ... the mom that I was thinking of had planned for adoption for her baby but then changed her mind. She was hiding out in her apartment because the adoption agency was about to "hot-box" her. Meaning - they were trying to apply pressure to her to give up her baby during her post-partum period by applying dishonest financial and emotional pressure. Some Y!A members came to her rescue by exposing the lies of the agency thereby helping her to keep her baby.

Liss

As a Birth Mother, I can tell you as someone who has been there There is NO Shame in Adoption. I was 21 and at my last year of the Univ. My family did not want me to keep it and my mother told me "We raised our kids, We're not raising yours." I, too was torn, but then I thought of the family I would be giving my child to. They could not have children. I provided him with a good, stable home. I would welcome him if he came searching. He is now 21. I never saw him, but that does not mean I love him any less. I do have 3 other boys but I always stumble when people ask me how many kids I have. You are not alone out there sweetie. However, my sister-in-law to be did the opposite. She kept her child and that beautiful girl is now 10. She has had many major struggles in her life-financial and emotional. She has had to make a lot of sacrifices for her daughter. This was the hardest thing I have ever done, and my family just expected me to snap right back. I never got counseling for it until years later. I should have. I wish you the best of luck. You can email me if you want. Good Luck Liss

Smoochy Poochy

I think you know in your heart that you want your baby, it doesn't mean the end of your life and yes struggling is part and parcel of it but think what a stronger person it will make you. If you can cope with how he was conceived then follow your heart, you can go back to college later and still get your education. I can't tell you what to do, only say this- think about what is best for you both. and remember once you make a decision there is no going back. good luck. all the best.

Freckle Face

Dear Sophia,

Possum gave you really good advice. I found this site too. I hope it helps. My heart goes out to you.

http://www.motherhelp.info/rape_pregnancy.htm

I wish you and your child all the best:)

per Grapesgum, great idea. Here is what i could find. I hope you can see you are not alone. Personally, if you can relate to one of these people, click on their avatar and email them for advice. I'm sure they would love to help you. I gave you a varitey of situations. You should know there were many many more.... Search thru yahoo with rape and adoption. (((hugs)))

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgbMhltLVHu4SNlOLWWh9qEjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20070713155423AAYPNKR

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlgcRfg5gHXmxIA5f8B6elcjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=1006042111450

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ahm1SGQIhh9O24T1wSKelx0jzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20070910102055AAZW4uG

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=As5EwhUCI_5Hn5gx4uY6aHojzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=1006032504978

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ArUCt7u8T7VoqCyRneNMxVEjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20070226115605AA2dDiL

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApMesjNrRtRpI6ULEXq3rQcjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20080105152040AAoQgy8

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AiEIDc90cQcY56DGiiLVdDcjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20080305110328AAvlKHL

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjHwIqPRwwWrMDKswlISLFMjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20080309204853AAuQ13P

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtMNjaThr2ZrVbZMw7d86qEjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20080121100127AAdhVrM

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ah65KnnV9jgJw7Rq212MT5gjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20080226115419AAsrkYJ

murphywingedspur

Oh Hun, this is really hard and my heart goes out to you. no-one on here can really give you the advice you really need. Speak to the midwife, or at least someone in the maternity unit,and take all the counselling and advice that they can offer. At the end of the day, it will have to be your choice, but whatever you choose, ki sincerely wish you all the best for your future

IDK!!

I can't even tell you how torn up I would be if I found out that my daughter had given a child for adoption because she was scared to tell me.

I have no doubt that when the true comes out, you'll have people falling over eachother to help you.

Imagine if you were your daughter

How old is the baby now? Have you placed him yet?

That is such a huge secret to keep, please tell someone.

Medium Dave

This is something you will have to decide for yourself - hopefully, with advice from the people that love you.

Your child's beginnings sound quite awful - but that's the father's fault - not yours, and not the child's. Neither you nor the baby should bear any guilt, shame, or anything of that nature.

If you love your baby, and it sounds like you do - you have to ask yourself if you can cope with the new responsibility. It'll be hard - I couldn't imagine having a kid when I was at university, it was hard enough feeding myself - but there's always a way. MOst universities have a discretionary fund to help people with legitimate financial difficulties - look into that.

Only you can decide whether you're ready to be a mother. But it sounds like you are - you love your baby, and that's the battle half won, right there

EDIT: whatever you choose - best of luck, to both you and the nipper.

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

Your right decision is the one you feel with your heart. I believe that your heart is telling you that you love your son enough to tackle any obstacle that can come in your way. Don't assume the worst of your parents, they very well may surprise you. You went through a terrible experience and I am sure that they will take the whole situation into account. You seem light a bright and wonderful person. You will never find another person who will better at raising him than you. Love is so much more than material possessions. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you everything works out for the best.

celticdreadess

A mother's love is worth more to a child than anything else in the world and is not easily replaced. Keeping your precious boy will close some doors for you but so many, many more will open. Your situation is very difficult but your son is not his father and it sounds like you are not ready to let him go and may regret doing that more than you can dream of right now. Take heart there must be some support for you somewhere with this one. Believe me it is unbelievably hard to be parted from a baby you love for the rest of your life for whatever the reason so don't make the wrong decision for either of you.

arriadne

You should talk to a professional and I say this because right after you give birth, your mother hormones are surging. It seems to be nature's way of helping a mother cope with the intense needs of a newborn and to help promote bonding between mother and infant. That is definitely effecting the way you feel. You need someone who can help you make a more objective decision that you will be glad you made once the hormones return to normal. Either decision you make will not be easy. Best of luck to you!

aislingoleary27

do not be ashamed!! your baby, no matter who fathered him, obviously you will care about him, hes your little boy, its a motheres natural instinct
please tell somebody, your family or friends dont have to know but if you keep it to yourself your dealing with it by yourself, you could do without this after all the trauma youve been through, you poor thing. surely you would qualify for money from the state, you can also work with that, give yourself a chance....
you can work at a crappy job for the meantime, anything to support your baby... youre only 20 theres all the time in the world to get your qualifications, did you ever hear of mature students? your life is not over because of this, i promise you
but you will have ot tell somebody, dont do this on your own, it not fair...
say it to somebody, even if you did end up telling your family, they obviously wouldnt blame you would they?? it wasnt your fault, you are the victim here....
if you love this baby then do not let him slip away, you will regret it.....
things will be okay
i hope you will be happy.... good luck pet xxx

Happy HBAC Mama

Keep your son. You are the child's mother, and you know what is best. If you feel this way, you will regret for the rest of your life giving him to another family. Keep your son. He needs his mommy. Once you give him up, you can't go back. Don't do something you'll always regret. There are ways to provide for him. You can always work something out to go to school too. But you can't reverse a wrong desision, if you sign the baby away.
Keep your son.

TotalRecipeHound

If you love your son, keep him. Work out the details as you go. Unless you are in abject poverty (which you clearly aren't if you are going to University), your child will be better off with you than without you. Don't worry about other people's reactions. They will just accept.

If you were uncomfortable with the child, as many rape victims are, then of course, placing for adoption would have been a much better choice. However, you apparently have passed by that concern. Good luck!

Lee Lee

The best gift you can give your baby is yourself!! All he needs is you, he doesn't need money, a big house, loads of toys all he wants is his mummy.

Your question made me cry because i have a one year old and just the thought of not seeing him tomorrow would kill me. you WILL regret it for the rest of your life if you give him away. He needs YOU not some stranger, he doesn't deserve grow up insecure that his mum didn't love him enough so she gave him away. I know i sound harsh but my son brings me so much joy to my life that there would be a huge hole if he was gone.

Parents make mistakes we all do, we all feel guilty that we didn't do this or that right but my son is safe in the knowledge that i will never ever leave him, everytime he looks at me and smiles it fills up my heart with so much love, don't deny him that or yourself.

Just look at him, you'll never love anything more and the first few months are so hard i know they are. Please please don't give him away it's not his fault that you were raped and he was the good thing that came out of that terrible experience

lil monkey's mama

I was adopted a long time ago to very loving parents who gave me a good home and all the love and "things" any kid would want. I was very lucky.
I always did wonder who my birth mother was and in a way, longed to know her and why she chose not to raise me.
Well, 30 years later, I found her through the agency that placed me up for adoption and we are good friends. I know now where I get my looks, my good laugh and my artistic ability.
She tells me in hindsight that she regretted leaving me. Every year when she bought her planner to organize her life, she circled my birthday and prayed I was okay.
When we finally met, we clicked in a special way that is nothing short of amazing.
My birth mom and her have also met, along with our entire families. We all get together every year to celebrate life and love. Its fantastic. Im very lucky.
When I first gave her some baby and child pictures of myself she wept. I think she really hurt deeper than anyone could ever imagine. She went to the hospital every day for months to visit me until a nurse asked her, "what are you doing? You are making yourself miserable. You need to sign the papers or take her home." Because she felt shame for not being married and her family was old fashioned, she signed the papers and lived with regret for decades. She never married or had any more children.
I'm not telling you what to do, but Im telling you my history.
Buddha says: when you come to a road that splits, dont always take the easy way. you will never develope character if you dont challenge yourself.
I believe this to be wise and true. If you love this baby, you and your hope will be enough. You will find a way.
Don't make a decision based on what others think. This thinking will destroy you.

Gaia Raain

Oh, Sophia, my heart is just breaking for you! ((HUGS)) I think Possum's advice is perfect. Your baby doesn't care how he came into this world. All he cares about is you. Keep your baby, and get the support you need. You can do this!

Crucio

I am so sorry this happened to you. If you are reconsider it thatâ€™s ok.

If you do keep your son you need to be truthfully to him about his conception. Of course this is not something I would divulge until he was much older were talking at least 16 years old. His father was a bad man who raped you, however that does not mean your son will grow up to be a bad person. We all make our own choices, his father choose to be a rapist he can choose to be a good man who will give woman the respect that they deserve.

I would seriously recommend seeing a counselor in regards to the rape they can also help you look at options on keeping your son. Your son is likely going to one day need support because of his conception if you keep him seek out groups of mothers who have kept their children who are products of rape.

If you donâ€™t feel you want to divulge the rape to others just say that you had a ONS were drunk and donâ€™t know who the father could be.

Patty

Sweetheart, you really should talk about your rape. I have counseled many victims and I can promise you it will never go away and keeping it to yourself will only make it worse. Feeling ashamed is normal, it is an emotion all the women I have talked to say they felt as well. If you do not feel like you can talk to your parents or friends, I am here to listen on offer some insight. One of the ladies I counseled before got pregnant as well and she kept her baby. It was very hard for her because her husband left her for not aborting because the rapist was black, but she doesn't regret keeping her baby girl. There are ways you can take care of your baby. Financial assistance can help with school and welfare can help with formula and daycare. There is no shame in getting help as long as you are working towards bettering yourself. My screen name is patricia_joanna07 if you would like to talk. I hope that I have helped you in some small way.

kimbo72

Of course you can provide for him. You love him too much not to keep him. Children deserve love, not just money. Follow your heart! Many people your age and in your situation bring up children just fine. You can do it!! xx

Xenie X

There's no right or wrong answer but you should try and get counselling so you can clear your mind and make sure you know what your decision entails. Personally I wouldn't recommend giving up your baby, if you love him already it will only get more and you may regret this for the rest of your life, you never forget them and its hard knowing they are out there somewhere and not in your life and your arms. babies are precious however they came to be about and why should he suffer a separation from you just because there is some stigma round his conception. There is no situation that won't disappear in time and seem unimportant, even though it feels impossible now. You have a rough storm to ride but it can be ridden if you want to.

Black Mamba

i really think you should keep you son. no one is ever "ready" to have a baby, but it sure does sound like you love him very much. you may have a troubled past, but so did i before i had my kids. my kids are what changed my life and made it worth living. i think 5 years from now, youll look back and be so very thankful that you kept him.
good luck to u!

littlemum

I think that you should talk to your parents. If you feel that you can tell them about the rape then do so but if not just tell them that you really love your baby and you dont want to give him up. Im sure that between you there is a way that you can carry on with university (im at uni in final year and expecting my second child, was a single parent with my first who is now 4) and keep your baby. One thing though, i dont think he needs to know how he was conceived that would damage even the most stable of people. Just tell him he was always going to be better of without his dad or something!?

I think if you are feeling like this now then it would probably be a mistake for you to give up your baby. You obviously really love him and every mother on here can totally relate to that, we all know how overwhelming it can be.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one but make sure that its right for you as well as your son. He wont be missing out so long as he has loving family around him. I struggled with money with my son for the first 18months but it never affected him and he is the happiest little man!! Go with your heart and the rest will all fall into place!

Wishing you the best of luck!!!!

ps/ in case you are wondering what future boyfriend will think, the only ones worth knowing are the ones who love you and your son and accept that you come as a package deal. My partner loves my son as if he were his own and ive never had trouble getting dates, i just have trouble finding a man who could possibly be good enough for my little man :-)

pink princess

there is nothing to feel ashamed about. you as a mother will always do whats best for your child regardless of what other think or feel. you only need to tell your family what you want when you are ready but please don't worry as i'm sure they will understand and help you. the best place for any child is with the mother/father wether they have lots of money to provide for them or not, it's the love that counts not wether they have the best clothes and material possesions or not.

Kitchenwitch

I agree with Bails, all we can do here is offer our opinions and possibly a shoulder. Personally I would see this baby as something good to come from something horrific. He never need know what happened to you, that is potentially very damaging.
It really is the biggest learning curve you will ever have. If you have already bonded with your little one this much, it is going to be so hard when it comes to the crunch, and there are so many amazing things to come, like his first smile, his first laugh; the way he will soon look at you. Of course it will be damned hard work too. Ultimately the decision is yours, and needless to say one that you will have to live with. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

Mom of two

You really need to talk to someone you trust...you are a good mom so of course you love your baby! I would imagine that a good part of the reason you made an adoption plan was out of love for your son. I am not trying to convince you to go forward with the adoption or to parent. I suspect that you already know what you want to do and are just waiting to read an answer to back up your decision. Good luck and don't be ashamed whatever you decide!!

Emmersonne M

You HAVE to tell someone. Honestly, it seems like it will be the worst thing ever but you will feel so much better and everyone will support you. You must tell them, be strong, get a nurse or someone impartial to break it to them if you can't, but this secret is doing you no good.

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