I wonder what his real parents are like a lot...?

HappyMomAnna

When I was 18 I married a 19 year old adopted boy and we had two children together. It is completely natural to have this interest if you are planning to make a life with someone and build your own family together.

I also always wondered and wondered even more as I completed the health information for our children and only had one side to offer information. I wondered when our children had "something about them" that I couldn't see in their father or EVERYONE on my side of the family.

I would say it is important to NOT push him but to be Open and Accepting of his own feelings. His feelings Will NOT stay the same forever and he will go through different points in his life where his feelings may change.

I was pushy about my ex resolving his adoption issues because he had issues. They were actually clear before we married, but became more important when He became a father. He saw for the first time in his life People Who Looked like he did. He learned how it felt to love his baby--and wondered how on earth he didn't get the same kind of instant love from his biological parents.

He wasn't raised with openness about his own adoption, Never heard a single story about the moment of his birth and due to the attitudes of his adoptive mother had some very disturbing ideas about Women in general. He found pregnancy to be ugly and was not able to give me as his pregnant wife the kind of support I expected when I was pregnant with his baby's.

He NEVER wanted to search from the age of 19 he just felt he was the product of rape or that his mother had to have been 12 years old--How else could she have let him go? He carried hurt until he was in his 30's and then started thinking about learning more about his biological roots. He didn't search until he was in his 40's and found both of his biological parents Married to each other and proud grandparents of their daughters child--His Full siblings child.

He didn't search until his own children expressed their interest and spoke to him about the similar feelings they had experienced about adoption issues and how it was part of their lives too.

The only thing that I would suggest is to NOT make this an issue for yourself but to be supportive of the man you make your life with and understand that HE will go through different feelings at different times in his life. He however needs to come to terms with it on his own with your support.

Jennifer L

I've been on this forum for awhile.

Some of the "regulars" here have felt the desire to search for their biological parents. Many are in successful reunion.

Some of the "regulars" here have not felt the desire to search for their biological parents.

I think that both perspectives are equally valid and natural, it just depends on the individual.

Since I'm not an adoptee, I don't know how I would feel. I do have a love for history, so if I had to guess, I imagine that I would want to meet my biological family. But that's just me.

ETA: I'll comment on the "Real Parents" disucssion. There have been questions posted to it recently. It's my opinion that adoptees have two sets of "Real" parents. The biological set is just as REAL as the adoptive set. They can both be REAL and valid. One doesn't diminish the other.

cantstopLinnyG

He may want to, he may not want to. Women who search are more common.

I think it's completely normal. Especially if you have children. You have every right to know if there are any genetic health issues that exist.

As an adoptee in reunion, I can tell you my life makes much more "sense" now that I have met my n family. I am exactly like them.

I will caution you, though- many Guatemalan adoptions fall into the "grey" and "black" markets, and it may be very difficult if not impossible to search for his n family. I am not saying this to be true in his case, but there are many stories about adoption fraud in that country. Their facilitators are a shady bunch....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27859660

Philippa

From what I've learnt over the years female adoptees are more likely to want to know their natural parents and male adoptees who want to know tend to be older when they decide to search.

My son is one of the unusual ones as he always wanted to know who his natural family were. His adoptive family will always be his family but on the other hand he considers his natural his family as well. He calls me mum and refers to me by my first name/natural mother when clarification is needed.

It is a personal choice what an adoptee wants to call their natural family ... my son refers to my parents by their first names as they don't have a relationship with him so it's hard for him to feel comfortable calling them nanna and granddad. With me we have built up a close relationship so he feels more comfortable calling me mum.

sizesmith

I think that it's his decision. Your being supportive of whatever he decides to do should be the main thing.

Also, if the two of you later decide to have children, I think it'd be important to find out his medical history. A lot of people get to the stage of their lives of wanting to know their roots when the overwhelming love and instincts that NORMALLY come with parenthood take over.

Sophie

I probably would, yes. I feel that way about my Father's bio family. He doesn't care to ever meet with them, but I REALLY want to meet them. They're MY bio family as well then, so it's different than your situation... but my Father and your boyfriend have similar opinions, it seems.

If you two ever have children, your children will probably benefit from knowing their biological grandparents and familia.

noor's mama

yes i would like to.....i believe u really like him, thats why u are showing so much interest in him. if u were in ur place i would also like to meet his real parents. i can understand u cannot stop wondering about it. but i know kids who were adopted by other people when they were young, i think they become so attached to their new parents that they don't even think about their biological (real) parents. i know a girl who was adopted by her auntie (her father's sister) when she was like 4 years old. because her parents got separated. now, she is 30 years old and she just does not care to meet her father, does not know where is her real mother these days, is she dead or alive. and she does not care. its normal. perhaps thats whats good for them.

kattilac1

First of all, I would not ask him one more time about his ' real' parents. Because ( with my experience...fiance is adopted) he will resent you for it. His 'real ' parents, are the ones who adopted him. Dont call his birthmother and father his mom and dad, because they arent. My fiance, is so close to his parents,it crushes him each time someone asks about it. They raised him, he has their traits, he has ONE dad and ONE mom. Its disresepectful to him, to not call his mom and dad ( adopted) his mom and dad. He calls his birthmother by name, does not know the father. In your case, much like mine,if he doesnt want to know, dont ask. Let him be with it. Its his choice. Im not sure how I would feel personally, but I understand. He has one set of parents, much like your bf. If he wants to talk about it, he will. If he wants to find them, he will. Other than that, just let it go, and pretend its not the case.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: