I would just like to know?

Heather B

I haven't seen anyone declare that ALL or even 'most' mothers are pressured, only that coercion exists and is rampant in the infant adoption industry in the USofA - a system which you have zero first-hand experience of. Of course some women 'choose' adoption for their babies - duh

You have no idea. Things are done very differently in the UK where you are.

Tell you what, you're pregnant right? test it out. Go over to the States and contact an agency, any random money spinning agency with anxious waiting customers and see what kind of pressure you get - go on, I dare you! You may just change your holier than thou tune if you actually experienced the system

ETA: My mother didn't choose adoption for me. Her mother did, against her will.

Robin

I discovered I was pregnant at 16 by my first serious 'boyfriend' in spite of using birth control. Adoption was never a discussion we had. We decided to have our daughter & got married. A year after our daughter was born, we divorced. The 1st thing my a.mom said after hearing our plan is, "It's too bad you can't give her up for adoption & go your separate ways." There was NO WAY I would have chosen to give my child up for adoption! But my a.mom was relentless. When she couldn't convince me or manipulate me or guilt me or pressure me into giving up my child, she tried to have her taken from me. She tried to enlist the help of my former mother in law, then my ex husband. All attempts failed.

I have to admit that I considered adoption BRIEFLY. Not because I wanted to give my daughter up. I'd really rather have died than given up my child. But because I believed that maybe I couldn't be a good mother to her. Maybe I wasn't "good enough" to be her mom. Thankfully I listened to my heart. I kept my daughter, and lost contact with my family for more than 7 years.

I had welfare to help me support myself & my child until I got on my feet. Like many women from the 'baby scoop era' (BSE), my first mom didn't have any financial help when I was a baby. She was basically forced to relinquish me by the DSS b/c she was a poor, working mom. She paid for my day care & medical care as best she could on $30 per week. (per court records). She did not willingly give me up.

Look for the book "The Girls Who Went Away", by Ann Fessler in your local library. Read the stories of 100's of women who were pressured or forced or give no other option but to relinquish their children.

How much of a "choice" is it when you have NO way to support yourself & your child? When you're told by family members, "don't come home with that baby!"? When you have no place to live? When you're young & scared & have no emotional or moral support from your family?

Yes, for some it was a "choice", often because they believed their child will be better off without them. Will have a better life. How sad is that? Can you imagine having to make that "choice"?

I hope this is helpful. Thanks for the question.

ETA: For those who say the first mom "chose" them, a mother must FIRST give up on HERSELF (& her ability to parent her own child) before she can relinquish her child others to raise. ***This, I know, will bring many thumbs down...

red-haired gypsy

pressured by family,church and everything at that point that I thought knew more than I did.I'm now a mom of 4 great kids and wish everyday I could have done it different.When the system is out to get you pressure was all there was,not help.

amyburt40

Coercion still very much exists. Just google Allison Quets, Stephanie Bennett, Jamie Keifer, Ibbaanika Bond and Camira Bailey. That is just the mothers.

We have not even begun with the fathers: Shawn McDonald, Matt Tenneson, Cody O'Dea, Bryce Carkhuff, Joshua Simmerson, Brynden Ayre, Craig Lentz, and others that we don't hear about. Most of the time there are gag orders that prevent a mother or father from speaking out.

A mother should have at least thirty days to change her mind on the adoption of her child. Fathers should be notified of the birth and subsequent adoption of their child. If the adoption is ethical, then this happens.

The adoption industry wants to keep these under wraps. Then there is the international adoption portion of all of this. Vietnam and Guatemala both have very serious issues with this. Everyday there is some story of a parent being coerced out their child.

The adoptive parents in Bryce Carkhuff's story had an attorney come to his house and tried to buy his relinquishment. The mother in Shawn McDonald's case hid her pregnancy until the court ordered her to allow him to see his daughter. Then he found out about his son. The mother in Bryn Ayre's case jumped three states to relinquish their daughter. The attorney for him failed to file the putative father registry paperwork too late. I could go on but it exists.

I don't think adoption is a good thing anymore. It is not done with the adoptee in mind both as a child nor as an adult.

magic pointe shoes

I think the answers you will get depend on how close to relinquishment the "choice" was made.

I chose to relinquish my son. I signed the papers and so did the father of that child who is now my husband. If you took a time machine back to that point in time and asked us if this what was best or what we really wanted to do, you would see us certain of our choice. Sure we would have loved to have a reasonable way to parent our son where it wouldn't have put every existing familial relationship at risk, but what we didn't know at the time and weren't informed about was that those existing familial relationships were going to be rocked to their core by relinquishment too.

Anyway. Time passes and hindsight becomes 20/20. Instead of only holding ourselves to blame for choosing relinquishment, I now see very clearly how our families failed us, how the adoption lawyer failed us, how the domestic infant adoption laws failed us, and how society's views of our situation failed us in attempting to keep our family together instead of systematically stacking the cards in favor of us relinquishing our child.

Why is it an either or question? Why can people not see that there is equal opportunity of placing blame as to why a child was chosen for relinquishment? If this weren't true, than it would be reflected in adoptee's feelings towards their own adoptions. If you really listen to the thoughts many adoptees have about their own adoptions, there is usually a conflict of emotions between all parties involved with the adoption.

What I find offensive is that by stating that how expectant parents that either consider relinquishment or relinquished a child for adoption are not being treated fairly... or when telling my own experience, the first thought by others who haven't been there and done that is that I am in denial or that I need a grip of reality.

Edit to add: I also don't understand why it's okay for those who have not relinquished a child for adoption to answer this question.

Editing to add: "For those who say the first mom "chose" them, a mother must FIRST give up on HERSELF (& her ability to parent her own child) before she can relinquish her child others to raise." I agree with this statement.

Torrejon

My bparents were married, healthy, healthy lifestyles, he gainfully employed, she in college...when they decided of their own free will to give me away.

starlet108

I didnt have my child adopted but I did get pregnant at sixteen and that was over 30 years ago when the subject was still taboo. I was given the choice of adoption but I was never forced into it or made to feel that was what I should do. As it was I chose to keep my baby and have always been pleased I did that. So certainly in my experience it was something mothers chose to do and they weren't forced to give the babies up xxxx

5littlemonkeys

Well I now that my children's mom made the choice on five different occasions and was not pressured or tricked. I know because we are in frequent contact.

We just found out my mother in law made the choice twice. I feel she was pressured by her family with her first baby and the shame from the first motivated her to hide the second one. She chose adoption and had a second chance two years latter when her daughters first adoption fell threw. She was with my husband's father during her second chance and he didn't want the baby so she still choose not to parent.
That was 44 years ago.

LindseyTaylor

There are occasions when people are pressured and some people just say they were to make themsevles feel better and to take the pressure off them but the truth is that no one can make you do something you dont want to do and if you wanted to keep your baby no one could stop you. its a choice no matter what anyone says.
I gave my daughter up 8 months ago and the agency was so nice, they told me whether i decided to keep my baby or choose adoption they would want to help me. But the truth is tha if we do choose adoption there is always that pain and that guilt that you carry around, even if you are sure you made the right decision and there is always negative feedback from people and sometimes it is just eaier to put the blame on someone else. If your give your baby up, yes you will still feel that hurt, but you should feel proud that you made a selfless decision and take responsibility for it no matter what anyone says

My child's birth mother chose me to parent her child. Infact I tell people she made us a family

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: