If bmom's are saints / victims, then what about the Bdads?

snowwillow20

My bdaughters dad was with me the whole time, we wanted to marry but his parents were so against us being together and he did whatever they said to do, my mom was a single mom and just went along with whatever they said. I think they thought that no baby meant no Susan (me) but we only got stronger and we have been married for 35 years. I think his time in the Viet Nam war, really changed him. We went on to have a son, now 31. He was raised as an only child and he had no idea he had a sister until I had to tell because I had found her. She was 29 1/2 and he was 23. We lived a lie and kept the secret buried for years.
He didn't get a free pass, as he grieved just as much as I did and he regrets giving her up as much as I do. But, I was her mom and I should have been stronger.

Laurel J

In a patriarchy, men will always get a free pass. That's why some of them can propose crap like "Roe versus Wade for men" with a straight face.

Lori A

Hi Carney, Good question. Some did run off. Some went to war.

My daughters father offered to honor any decision I made. It was my choice to surrender my daughter. I know you have read my story so no need posting it again. He would have done what ever he had to. Problem was I was afraid he would not be coming home from Vietnam.

Where is he now? single, with no other children, and very happy to have finally met his only child after 35 years. It took him a year to settle into the situation but he is finally ready to allow himself a relationship with her.

It really did hurt him deeply to surrender her. I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice.

His family didn't know anything until the day they met. His mom was told on the way over to the reunion spot. that was his doing not mine. I never felt it was my place to tell them.

Wrong as that was, it was a long time ago and that's just how things were. I felt if he wanted them to know he would tell them.

I wouldn't marry him just because of a child. I am no stranger to divorce. All of my family members have been married 3 times or more. (except me) I didn't see it as a solution that would have been worth the paper it was printed on, and I really didn't want to be a widow at 16.

ETA: And our age difference would have landed him in jail. I didn't want that either.

MamaKate

Dear Carnie,

I understand what you are saying but it isn't always the case. In my case, I had two children (biologically mine and my partners) for friends of mine who couldn't conceive. (This was before I was "adoption educated".)

T.'s father (my fiance at the time) agreed to the adoption, was there for the pregnancy, was present at the his birth and was very involved in the entire process. He cares a great deal about T. and we remain good friends despite the fact that our romantic relationship died after T.'s adoption. We talk and e-mail regularly and my husband and I visited him in CA last year.

My husband is L.'s father and he agreed to have L. with my in order for T. to have a sibling (as I was promised by the APs who then decided they would not adopt again UNLESS it was with me and putting me in a very awkward position). We were married a year or so before L. was conceived and my husband was well aware of T. and our situation. He cares for T. as if he were his child also. He was there for everything. We felt we were doing the right thing.

When the APs decided to close the adoptions with no warning or recourse for any of us, they not only devastated me, but also T.'s father, my husband and all of our families. (The APs were friends with my family and hurt all of these grandparents, aunts and uncles who care about T. & L. too.) It has been hard for our boys, who know about their older siblings (I believe in being honest with my children), as well.

In my case, both of the fathers were, and STILL ARE "there". They love their children and have suffered by being cut out of their children's lives for no valid reason after multiple verbal and written contracts stating otherwise. They are both just as "saintly" and "victimized" as I. They are both good men and their children deserve to know them.

SJM

I'm a BSE, and as Lori pointed out, there was a war at the time. My dad was military. He wasn't in Viet Nam, but by the time my mother knew she was pregnant, he wasn't stateside, either. My mother's father wanted something done right now, and he was the one who made the decision to send her to the maternity home. She was 17, and he had the power to do it then. According to the adoption agency records, my mother went kicking and screaming, and my father was never informed. It's just the way it was.

Much more recently, my son's girlfriend got pregnant while they weren't married. I was very actively involved in this as a grandparent. It wasn't long before she started talking about adoption. She was being visited by an adoption worker. When she realized my son wouldn't sign, she started making comments about how she felt he wasn't ready and really wasn't as interested as he claimed. I sat him down and explained that if he didn't want his child to disappear forever, he needed a lawyer now. I doubt if many men would realize a lawyer is necessary early in a pregnancy when they're still dating the mother. I knew. As soon as the lawyer was hired, the adoption folks made their exit.

I'm sure some men leave, but there have been many girls come on Y!A complaining that they want to relinquish but their boyfriend is against it. I hope those men get a lawyer. They need one if they really want to keep their child.

Not all adoptions are the result of men who desert their girlfriends. I'm sure some are. Not all.

Not Adopted

In my case the "bdad" gets no free pass from me! He definitely used adoption as a way to escape responsibility, which set him on a course of irresponsibility throughout his life. He was perfectly capable of getting a job and stepping up to the plate to take care of the child he fathered.

I truly think it would have been in his own best interest to man-up and take care of his child, might have helped him grow into a strong and respectable man. Instead he chose to remain a perpetually irresponsible boy which lead to a lot of dysfunction in his life.

kateiskate

Well during the BSE, dna tests weren't available to people the way they are today and it would have been more difficult to prove paternity at all. Also, while there are a lot of instances where the dads run off, there are a lot of instances where the dads don't know anything about their kids in order to provide for them.

dancuer4lrhs

I just placed my baby boy for adoption 4 months ago. The birth father and I are still together and have been together for almost 2 years. He was there for me every step of the way, no matter what I needed, we went through the process together. We discussed every option but I knew I could not have an abortion because I could never take a life from this world just to make mine better. We also knew that if we were to get married right now we would struggle (I'm 19 and he is 21). Plus if for some reason later down the line we don't get along anymore our child would be able to see this and he would suffer. The father stayed with me through it all and knew that in the end it would be my decision and no one else could decide it for me. Though there are days that are extremely harder than the rest I believe it was the right choice. Just because the father didn't run off doesn't mean that we could have made it on our own.

sizesmith

Our son's bio dad is a great person, involved in his life, was there during his delivery, is committed to the mom. He's honored the open adoption agreement, and visits sometimes, and came to our son's first birthday party. At 50, he didn't want to start a family over. Now, he and 1st mom have another baby together. She still won't divorce her husband, and is trying to get pregnant again, to avoid divorcing him, all over a measly "allowance" of pay she gets because husband is a veteran, and as the mother of his legal children (as his wife, he's had to sign off on our son, because he's the legal father-husband is 60).

Both men were drug free when she wasn't when she gave birth. Both men allow our son to see his bio brothers and one sister. Both of them are picking up the pieces of her instability.

Rowan

Why didn't the bdad marry bmom? he was already married, although separated at the time...living with Bmom

Why didn't the bdad take responsibility as well?He did, but it was a financial and emotional strain as he wasn't there alot

Why didn't the bdad's family adopt? in my case, they did actually. Bdads sister took us in.

even during the BSE era, didn't people "do the honorable thing" and get married? not a BSE, so cant speak for them

Why aren't the bdads crucified for running off? I think in some cases, they are, but because its the woman that carries the baby, she gets the brunt of it.

Some guys dont know a child is the result, they arent told. I know my cousin refused to tell anyone who the father of her baby was when the child was born. She didnt want him to know.

yeahright

I think natural fathers are the #1 reason for abortion and adoption by natural mothers. Everyone talks about agency and adoptive parent coercion but yet those same folks don't talk about the abandonment and/or coercion by the father of the child--which in my mind would probably be more highly influential than an agency or an adoptive parent.

Compound that with natural mothers unable to sep the status of her relationship with him with "his" ability to parent so they DON'T tell the natural father either.

All of the way around why natural fathers are never talked about or focused on as accountable. The real exception is the father who steps in TO parent actively and the natural mother who sees him as the father of her child--not nec her life partner.

reneehubner

Usually the birth dad and the birth dad's family don't often know they have a baby if not told. It is harder to find out if the baby is actually their's. Or if they assume it is there and get attached and find out later it's not their kid and then have no rights to a baby they already love. It is a confusing time for both birth mom and birth dad. Granted birth mom pays the highest price. She has to keep baby safe and healthy before and after birth. Women who can admit they can't do it and ask for help and give their baby up for a adoption are the heroes in my life. My children's birth mother loved her girls but she knew she couldn't do what she needed to do to keep them and relinquished her rights. Our life is so blessed because of what she did.

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