If "love" is not considered enough for a good marriage, then why do you suppose it's used as an argument?

Tad W

Sunny, there are two approaches we can take to this question. The first is to discuss the logical difference between "necessary" and "sufficient" conditions in an argument. The second is to examine the different kinds of what we call "love" in English.

The love commonly experienced in a romantic relationship is what the Greeks called "eros." While some may argue that it is a necessary condition for marriage, it is certainly not a sufficient condition. And it would be totally out of place in a discussion of adoption.

"Unconditional love," what the Greeks called "agape," is the type of love commonly used as an argument to support adoption. This argument has several flaws. First, the adopters are often trying to fill their own needs, and therefore place, consciously or not, conditions on their love. Second, the child's needs often exceed what can be delivered through agape alone. Lastly, the process of separating a child from its mother/original family causes damage to the child that is often not considered and which runs counter to the principle of agape, especially when the separation was unnecessary, or when the adopters could have assisted to alleviate the necessity.

One could argue that true agape would cherish the original identity, family and culture of the child, and therefore do all possible to avoid damaging them. This would not completely eliminate the need for children to be raised by someone other than their biological family, as there would still be orphaned children and there would still be parents that are incapable or even harmful to their children. Under such a scenario, the child's identity would not be altered, there would be no sealed court records, no attempt to change (or pretend to change) the cultural identity and origins of the child. Agape would certainly be a necessary condition to success, but it would not be sufficient to ensure success.

Just as eros serves the interest of the "lover" so too does the "love" of the adopter toward the child. Calling it love is to euphemize self interest as a mechanism to morally justify an act that most would rather not look at too deeply..

gypsywinter

I know this is not exactly the answer you are looking for...
I have often wondered when people who want to adopt (or have adopted), or others who have no connection to adoption will tell others, most especially expectant mothers contemplating adoption....that "love is not enough", i.e. detailing the monetary cost to care and raise for a child into adulthood. Yet so many people will tell the expectant mother or just offer opinions...that there are so many "loving couples" out there who want/need children and can offer tons of "love". Why is it that the "love" of a natural mother is not enough...but the "love" of strangers wanting to adopt is? Many a PAP has come here questioning how to adopt with little to no $$$$ and many people will still tell them to carry on..giving them info on tax credits, grants, fundraisers, etc.

In answer to your question.. I am a firm believer that the first requirement for marriage is LOVE! How else could anyone stand to live with a virtual stranger that you had no love for, did not know from the man in the moon, or barely knew? Except that this is exactly what happens in "arranged marriages". The female is ordered to marry a man she has no love for and is hoped, in time, that she will come to love the man that was selected for her. Sounds like a big gamble to me! Much like adoption!!!!!!!!

å°é»ƒ

People don't love a picture of a child. They love the idea of PARENTING a child. You can't fall in love with the photo of a stranger you've NEVER met before.

SLY

I know what you mean. When "Love is not enough" for a mother to overcome the problems she is facing how is it going to be enough for those who adopt to overcome the difficulties they will surely face with the same child? It always seemed like a pretty convenient arument to me.

Anyone who has ever worked with children will tell you that you don't automatically love stranger children. I worked in the schools for many years. Some of the children are very appealing...others not so much. Children, even babies, are merely small people, who have personalities, character traits, idiocyncracies and quirks that are peculiar only to them. They are not blank slates, and what appeals to some people will be a huge turnoff to others. That is true in any relationship, marriage, children, friends. Raising a child is no guarantee of the child being appealing or loveable.

Opedial

I love everyone. Except ignorant arseholes.

Relationships of any kind take work. I have been happily married for ten years, and been adoptive mom for two. The fundamentals is not love (although love all dearly) but rather respect. And this respect in adoption involves not changing who the children are, where they came from etc. (okay, I know a bit hypocrytical as I alterned names, but let's not digress).

Marriage takes work, so too does any form of parenting. Adoption, in my eyes, takes sometimes a bit more work, meaning you have to consider a larger view than just your immediate family. You have to consider where the childrne have come from, genetically and life situations. I can love them all I want, but if I don't respect their life, where they come from and who they are going to become (including reunion), then it will never work.

Wow, an ole jenn ramble.I am back baby!

It's just me

The love one has for their child is vastly different than marital love. Marriages involve many more complex issues. That being said, I do agree that love isn't always enough when the child comes from a vastly different background and culture. He will be experiencing emotional trauma that the adoptive parents don't always anticipate or understand. With proper counseling I think it can be overcome but it would take a saint and not all qualify for that title. But on the flip side I"m not opposed to international or inter-racial adoptions. I just think there should be a lot more education in the process.

Erin L

Love isn't enough for any successful relationship. It also takes work and commitment. In the case of adoptive parents, It takes education about the issues you mention, cultural, racial, and identity issues, and issues of loss. I don't think anyone can promise love the emotion to anyone. But, adoptive parents (and biological parents) can promise love the verb (as in behaving in a nurturing way and meeting needs) and commitment to their child. Yes, the bonding that's already been created in eutero isn't there to start, but I've know very few adoptive families that didn't have the emotion of love develop. It certainly did for me, stronger than I've ever felt it for any other human being. I suppose it's more common than in biological families for love the emotion not to develop, but that doesn't mean to me that children in need of a family shouldn't have the chance for an adoptive family because the emotion of love can't be promised. It DOES mean to me that the child in need of a family should get a family who is required to be educated about issues surrounding adoption and COMMITED to caring for their child.

Shortie

I'm not an adoptive parent but I am a mother so I know the type of love you have for your child is alot different then the love you have for your significant other. Although when you have a child they are considered apart of you adoptive parents can have the same feeling. If I adopted a child I would feel that child was brought into this world for me it wouldn't matter where they came from. I think even when you have a child yourself they are still a stranger to you but the moment you see them it's an instant love and connection. To say an adopted parent can't love like a birth parent is false. Men don't go through pregnancies and we don't question their ability to love their child. Why would you question an adopted parents. And although atfirst the child is a stranger you can still love the fact they are yours and you finally have what you've always want a child of your own.

Love is not something you say it is something you do. You love no matter what. You love when things are tough and when things are good. Love is the bases for a good marriage but love is a verb and takes work. You say I love you honey, as you walk by to go watch TV, That means one thing. But if you stop and help your honey with whatever she is doing before you watch TV then you are really showing her or him. Same with your children. You love them when they are bad and when they are good. Some people don't take marriage commitment serious enough

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