If you had 15 minutes to talk to an expectant mother questioning her ability to parent ...

jessica300

I think I would want to take the time to help her really connect to the child growing inside her - to help her talk about her feelings for this child, her son or daughter, her parent's grandchild; to help her see that this child represents a sense of continuity in her life of a family that spans generations. Our sons and daughters are our links between our futures and our pasts.

So often there are so many pressures outside of the young mother-child relationship that is just starting to develop that women don't get to think deeply of this most precious connection. She needs to hear that she IS a mother and that her body is making changes and adjustments to help her become THE best mother to her baby.

The pressures from others outside are tremendous. Agency counseling is often of little value because it is nothing more than a list of questions that can make a young woman feel backed into a corner: This for example from the ncfa:

"A counselor will ask you many questions to help you in your decision-making. Examples of important issues to consider are:

Could I handle a child and a job and/or school at the same time?
An example of something I would have to give up by having a child with me is..?
Am I able to give the child the love he/she needs/deserves?
Am I patient enough to deal with the noise, confusion, and the 24-hour-a-day responsibility of having a child?
How would I take care of my childâ€™ health and safety?"

What they are doing is nothing more than backing the woman into a corner. If any of us went for counseling for any reason we wouldn't expect our counselor to simply sit and ask questions to make us feel LESS. They would help us to see what our options are!

Instead of asking "How would I take care of my child's health and safety?" we would expect to hear, "Do you know what programs are available to help you with your child's health and safety."

So, if I only had 15 minutes I would put the words "mother", "child", "family", etc. into context to help her really understand her place in her child's world. To help her understand that she is irreplaceable and that adoption is really a very LAST resort. And I would tell her to STAY AWAY FROM ADOPTION AGENCIES until after the baby is born and she has had 6-8 weeks for she and her child to bond. And yes, if she did not want to deliver the child, I would also drive her to an abortion clinic.

tickled blue

I would spend time finding out what she wanted to do...not telling her what she should do.
I would do what she asked me to do as a friend. If she needed me to take her to appts, great. If she needed me to help her find assistance, great. I would only tell her my viewpoint if she asked for it...and that viewpoint would be in the form of a question: 5 years from now, if your situation is different, will you feel glad that you gave your baby up/aborted/parented, or will you regret your decision? This is something that you can't take back. Outside of parenting your child, all other decisions are irreversible. That is something to think about.

Also, if she decided upon an open adoption, I would remind her that there is absolutely NO law that states that adoptive parents must keep their promise to stay in contact with the first mother. So she should consider this in her decision.
<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Possum

Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.
Adoption is NO GUARANTEE of a better life for your child.
Open adoptions are not legally binding - be very very aware of your rights.
For me - as an adoptee - I missed my first mother every day of my life - wondered why, wondered if I looked like her, wondered who my father was, wondered if I had brothers and sisters, wondered, wondered, wondered.
And I'd hand her a copy of this -
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

snowwillow20

I would urge her to think long and hard about what her life will be without her baby. I'd want her to take help wherever it was given, too talk to birthmoms about how they have felt and delt with giving thier child up.

MamaKate

Dear Grapesgum,

I agree with Blue here for the most part. I think a great deal of what I would say would depend on to whom I was speaking. I would need to know her at least a little before I could even begin to respond. May I use ten of my minutes listening to her?

In my remaining five I would advise her to educate herself as to all her options as well as how they might effect both she and her child. I would try to be tactful, honest, attempt to remain unbiased and provide resources for ALL of her possible choices and do my best to tailor my advice to suit her particular situation. I would tell her that the choice is HERS and no one elses and that SHE will have to live with it. I would encourage her to listen carefully to her heart and I would support HER in her decision as much as I am able.

IDK!!

This happened to me about a month ago, te girl was a friend of a friend and was in another state, but call my friend while he was at my house. He was the go between, but I just spouted out every resource I could think of.

Not sure what she is going to do.

Independ"ant"

I would simply find out what it is about parenting she's afraid of and then direct her to the resources available to aid her in raising her own child.

If she wanted an abortion, I would give her a ride to the clinic and give her emotional support.

If she wanted the child placed for adoption in the event she died giving birth, I would tell her to look within the family for assistance and not some strangers or agency.

magic pointe shoes

I would simply state that whatever choice she makes is a direct reflection on who she is as a person and that the emotional consequences to each choice go hand in hand with how she feels she is as a person. Would she rather live with grief of not being good enough to raise her child, or her child feeling that s/he wasn't good enough to be kept? Or would she rather rise to the challenge of parenting and giving herself the chance instead of giving up?

JoHn S.

I doubt I would try with just 15 minutes. That's not enough time to access her situation to know where to direct her. If there is abuse she is running from, that would be a completely different answer, than it would if she had a supportive family.

But, if I addressed anything at all, it would be that if she has any doubt at all, don't place or abort.

aljea

First things first, they need to look to their family. If there is no help there or little help, then they need to think of other options. Can the community programs help? If not, do you think with a little government help, you can get on your feet and eventually provide a good life for your child. If having this child would just be too much of a burden, then they should look into adoption. Abortion should be the very last resort.

AvaRae

In highschool I did talk to my friends who were pregnant. My advice was always the same and what I said to my own mother. I always said that if I was in highschool and got pregnant I would give the child up for adoption. I was adopted and have a wonderful family and life. I know at age 14, 15, 16 I would not be mentally prepared to be a mother and the sats show what happens to child of teenage unwed mothers and I would not want to put my child through that. I told my friends how great my parents were, we would talk about what life would be like. No matter what in the end it was always their decision.

AdoreHim

Actually I have had many minutes to talk to an expectant mother. I counseled them for over 10 years. I would never give the mother advice to abort her child. I could never live with myself. If I advocated abortion I would be an accomplice. Abortion take the life of a baby. The baby's heart is beating at 3 weeks after conception. And life has begun at the moment of conception. I would recommend adoption, if it was very clear to me that this girl/woman could not raise her child. If she wanted to parent, that would be wonderful. I would ask her questions like , does she have family help, or does she need help financially.

EDIT- I cannot believe that I would get so many thumbs down. However someone that writes that adoption is a long term decision for a short term problem and gets thumbs up. Granted not all mothers should place for adoption. So it would be better to abort, which of course would be so much better for the baby. Come on. Report me if you want, but this is ridiculous

kevandtrish@rogers.com

I don't think there's any particular solution should give her... rather you should give her a list of things to consider... answering these questions should help her know what to do.

What kind of life do you want for your baby?
What kind of life do you think you could provide?
What kind of support do you have?
Do you want to be part of the baby's life?
What are your thoughts on abortion?

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