If you have experience in adoption...?

PhilM

I would ask that you do some reading about the possible impact of this decision on your child:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

Helena B

omg.keep ur babby.itll screw up both kids.

cantstopLinnyG

As an adult adoptee, I hope you will visit the following links. Your baby deserves to be loved and raised by his or her real parents. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You will not always be in a not so stable relationship, but you will always miss and mourn the loss of your baby. Think of your 2 year old, also. How will he or she feel knowing Mommy gave away his or her sibling. It will affect your 2 year old in ways you cannot comprehend. Your baby loves you, and you love your baby. Please keep your child.

Also, BEWARE OF OPEN ADOPTION. It is NOT legally enforceable in any state.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adopti...
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/the_primal_w...
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index....
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

eta- if you give your baby to his father & he moves, you can still see the baby. If you give the baby up for adoption you will NEVER see him or her again. Give the baby to his or her father.

Mei-Ling

Oh boy.

If you can, I highly suggest that you *consider* keeping your baby. REALLY consider it and REALLY consider how you would feel if you relinquished.

Then there's also the issue that your baby will come to you 20 years down the road and ask why their older sibling was "good enough" to be kept...

Lori A

I have never experienced anything that I could not describe. The pain of surrender is indescribable. It may have been a long time ago but I have talked to mothers who recently surrendered and that is the one thing that hasn't changed. If yo are already worried about this, I doubt you will fare well afterward.

In reunion for 9 years.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

It was soul-ripping hard. Hardest thing I ever did. I don't really regret it, I regret getting myself into the position wher that was even an answer.
He's 22 and I think about him every day

snowwillow20

I gave my daughter up in 1972, she just turned 37 last week.

Do not make an adoption plan until after you have given birth and held your baby. You might think that this is the best thing to do, but it's not. Think about going home empty handed from the hospital. Every birthday is a very sad occasion. It might take you 2 weeks or 2 years but you will come to regret your decision.
How will you feel when your second child comes to you and says why did you keep my sister/brother and not keep me?
There are so many services you can apply for, I beg you to try everything you can to keep your baby.
You will live a lifetime of sadness until you reunite if you go through with this.

kateiskate

Please look at the links provided to you by cantstoplinny g. They are excellent resources on adoption and the effect it has on adoptees. You wouldn't make any other major life decision without first weighing both the pros AND the cons, so why should you go into this heavy of a decision uneducated?

And to those who say that there are no unbiased opinions on this site, yeah I won't lie, my opinion is completely biased--I'm an adoptee. I think if anyone really is able to speak about how adoption affects adoptees, it would be someone who has lived it. Those who are unwilling to also take alternate perspectives into consideration are ignorant. Not all sides of adoption are good, and not all sides of adoption are bad. Those who wish to paint adoption as anything other than extremely complex are oversimplifying something they are uneducated about.

SJM

I'm an adoptee and a mother. I raised two boys to adulthood then learned I was pregnant again. (Mother nature wasn't working for many, many years.) First, I found raising two children together to be much easier than raising one child alone. My sons did everything together. They were inseparable. Sure they fussed with one another, but my daughter wishes she had someone short to fuss with. It's certainly no less expensive to raise just one. They don't really eat much until they get much older. :) Housing costs are the same. Only so many toys will fit in the house. You can buy some for each, then they can share. If I had it to do over again (and I don't), I would have had another child after my daughter was born.

As an adoptee, I can assure you that being raised without any family is not fun and games. Maybe some people adjust. I didn't. My adoptive parents were very nice people, but they couldn't fill the void left by my mother. There is no way for you to know how your child will handle adoption. If you really have no other choice, then adoption may be the best option. If it's a matter of convenience or of hoping for a better life for your child, his or her best chance is with you or the father.

Hermione

To be perfectly honest with you, you will regret giving your child for adoption, most birth mothers do and it will probably haunt you for the rest of your life. Your child will find it even harder to deal with their having been given for adoption knowing that you kept your other child, and your first child will also find it hard to deal with the fact you relinquished his/her sibling. Letting the father keep the baby at least ensures the child is raised by someone related to him/her and kinship care is now recognised as the best alternative to a mothers love. Even if he moves away etc how would that be any different to having the baby adopted? It sounds the best alternative if you are unable to keep the baby but there is no substitute for staying with your child, either for you or your baby. I know this is a really hard decision so good luck but do remember that things always seem worse, especially when your pregnant and hormonal and you will find a way to support them both, the father should be supporting his children whether he stays with them or not. Giving up a child is THE hardest thing to do and having already had one child you will most likely find it impossible to do once you see this baby arrive.

babyguurl_492

I'm 22 years old I had my first baby when I was 18 and my second baby when I was 19. I was not stable to have my second baby but I did. Both of my two oldest children have been adopted by there fathers family and I am not allowed to see them. It breaks my heart every day. If you feel that the father taking the baby away would be too painful then adoption is not right for you. My personal expirience is I miss my children every second of every day but I know who there with and I know there ok. Your already a mom so you'll know what I mean by this next part Imagine the worry and pain that you'll feel everyday not knowing where your child is or if it's ok. Also consider your two year old. That child knows there is another child growing inside of you how will you explain it to them. In my personal opinion it's easier for someone who has never raised a child to give one up then it is for someone who cares for one. I don't think adoption is right for ou. Keep your baby your a mom and we always find a way to make sure our children are ok.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

if i give you my number, will you call me when your adoptee comes back in 18 years and wants to know why the hell he/she wasn't "good enough" to be kept like their older sibling?

kzdre

Please try to keep your baby, she needs you and no one else can replace you.

senoritavalencia

Sweetie, if your worried the father might move away with the baby, then you shouldnt have the baby adopted. The fact your worried about that means you've already bonded with it. There is no such word as "Cant". If you want this baby, you can do it. It will be tough, but with good financial advise, support from the father and your family, you can do it. Don't do something you might regret. Think long and hard.

magic pointe shoes

I want you to think about the words being used in your question and how they feel to adopted people, and how it would feel to your child. You personally wouldn't be choosing adoption, you would be choosing relinquishment... whether to a stranger or to the child's father. Relinquishment isn't a positive feel good thing. It's loss, and it says that you aren't good enough for your child *or* it says that your child isn't good enough for you. Even if that meaning has nothing to do with your good intentions for reasons of why you need to consider relinquishment, those feelings are likely what your child will have to resolve for the rest of his or her life.

Your children will have to grow up with the complicated thoughts of what it means to why one had to be given away and one was not. children take everything personally, especially in conflicted ideas like this. They will not understand why one could stay and one would have to go.

And yes, the regret that life ever had to get to that point of giving up will haunt you. It haunts me something fierce, and I'm not a special snowflake with those feelings.

Hold your baby after she or he is born. It matters something fierce. Would you want your baby thinking that they weren't even worth holding?

Whatever is holding you back from rising up to raise both your children is what you should focus on. You can do this.

cls2461

I am 26 and am adopted. I went to live with my adopted parents when I was 5 days old.. To me, my birth mother could have never provided for me and gave me as many great opportunities as my adopted mother has. I know my birth mother and have talked with her several times. I do not resent her because I know she loved me enough to want the best for me!!! I am not able to have children, and irs people like you who help people like me become parents.. Good luck, sweety!

Jin K

I have been adopted and it has been a wonderful experience. I know my birth parents and they know they made the correct decision, so do I. But don't let my story or other's who have the opposite opinion sway your mind.

To allow my opinion based on my personal experience and emotions to affect your decision would be unethical. Emotions and opinions on this forum tend to be extreme so beware. The decision that you make will impact the rest your life and the baby's. My suggestion is to talk to someone who is unbiased, people you trust. Talk to your family, your friends, and your Church. They will be able to help you make the decision that is right for you and your baby.

Kiki

My sister and I are both adopted (we're not biological). Anyway, she knows that she has a biological siblings 5 and 6 years older than her. It's not caused any problems or feelings of rejection for her.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to place a child up for adoption, but I'm SO incredibly thankful my bio mom made that decision. I've lived a wonderful life and can't imagine anything else.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

John V

Not an adoptee. An adopter, I hae three daughters all adopted. Through foster care built a relationship with Bmoms and Only one of my kids was a first child (the other have siblings) We tell the girls about how much a person can handle and knowing your limits is a good thing, Testing them is good to but not at the cost of quality of life of a child or children. I would not tell you to go either way. Only you know the answer!

cmc

I haven't been in your position, I am an adoptive mom. However I wanted to share a little or your story. My daughter's first mother was 22 and had a 20 mo old when my daughter was born. She was single, living with her parents, working and doing well with her toddler. She didn't feel she could handle taking on another child. Also the older girl's father was involved, but with the 2nd pregnancy (different father) he wasn't interested at all. She decided on adoption fairly early on, but only chose a family (us) in the last month. She initially only spoke to us by phone, didn't want to meet, and decided not to hold the baby. After the delivery she did decide she wanted to meet us, so we spent a little time with her in the hospital but don't have ongoing contact - although she is welcome to get in touch if she likes, and we both have each other's contact info. She also decide to come see the baby with us in the hospital (we were with the baby in the nursery) - she wanted to see her daughter and new family together.

You will need the father's consent to go through with the adoption if that is what you decide. When my daughter understands things a little more, I'm sure she'll have questions about her first mom keeping her older sister. I plan to be as honest with her as I can. In my opinion we can offer her a lot of things her mother can't. Not that we are better, but her life will be different from her sisters. Also I hope she'll always be happy and will eventually understand her mom's decision. I will do my best to support this. She's 3 now, and an amazing, smart, happy girl.

kaitlyn[eastcoast]

I feel it will probably be very hard for you, although I couldnt relate.
I was put up for adoption, and sometimes I wish I werent.

You have to think of yourself, but continue to think about the baby's future.

Adoption can be a great thing, really.

Every baby deserves a chance at love, and equal chances for a great future.
If you feel that your baby would be better off, then adoption is always an option.

Sarah B

First, I'm really sorry that you're going through this! It must be really tough. Second, I am 26 and was adopted as an infant. My birth mother found me a few years back, and I discovered that I have an older sister. People are often surprised about this, and have asked why me, and not her?! My birth mother said that giving me up was what her social worker suggested - it is easier to find a home for an infant, and also the bond with me was less strong than it was with my sister who is 2 years older. I'm not upset about it at all. In fact, my sister (who I am close with now!) says that I was the lucky one, as she had to go through our mother's alcoholism and addiction to Valium, divorce, etc. etc. That is just my experience though. I think you will make the right choice. Just do what you think is best for that child. That is all a mother can do!

It seems like everyone on here wants you to keep your baby, the thing is that yes a baby should be with it's mother but if it's keep your baby on welfare or give your baby to someone that will love it, care for it and provide what that baby needs then what is so wrong with that. If you have support and lots of people to help yes keep the baby but don't neglect your 2 year old to do it. And don't put yourself in a position that will have you working all the time and never seeing either of your children. I'm a mother of two and i can tell you the hardest thing in the world is to look at your child and have to tell them no about something small that they want and that they should have but you just can't because you don't have the money.

allchildrenareangels

I second Jin K his answers is really good. Please don't let anyone sway you in either direction. Most people on here there opinion is extreme in one reason or the other. You won't find unbiased people hear. Most people hear will tell you adoption is horrible. That is not true though. Just like in biological homes some people have good experiences and some have bad. The thing is when you come to a place like this it is gonna be the people that have had the most extreme situations and they are not really reliable sources. As you see by Jin it is possible to have good adoptions. I have known many in my life time and they all had good situation and were happy. Just because, their situations were good though doesn't mean it will be right or wrong for you. Talk to people who are unbiased. If you are religious go talk to the church. You can also go to social services to get opinions and therapy. If you are considering this you really should get therapy. Whatever you do don't go to an adoption agency until you know what you want. Adoption agencies are biased they want you to put your baby up for adoption because, they make money off of you. If you do decide to go with adoption there are to different kinds agency or private. I suggest private it is more personal and no body it trying to make money off of you. Sweety follow your heart you are the only one that knows what is right for you and your little one.

Good luck,
Michelle

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