If you tell a couple you'll let you adopt your unborn child, can you change your mind afterhaving the kid?

MamaKate

Dear Caitlyn,

The ignorance and attitudes in most of the previous answers are absolutely astounding!

First of all, pre-birth matching is a coercive practice and as you can see from the answers you've gotten, a GREAT way to guilt a mother into giving up HER CHILD. No mother "OWES" her child to someone else. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE GUILTED OR THREATENED OUT OF YOUR CHILD.

You are NOT responsible for paying back fees. APs should have been counseled about this risk. It is ILLEGAL to purchase a child and any "expenses" paid are legally considered GIFTS.

Different states have different laws about how much time is allowed for a mother to re-claim her child. Some states give several months and some give as little as 72 hours. KNOW THE LAWS THAT APPLY TO YOUR SITUATION.

PLEASE, educate yourself well before deciding on adoption. You do NOT have to make any plans until AFTER your child is born.

http://www.adoptingback.com/adoption_coercion.html
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.motherhelp.info/keepingyourchild.htm

ETA: I am truly disgusted at the number of people who would PREFER that a child be separated from its mother to fill the needs and wants of adults. Adoption is supposed to be about the CHILD. It is sad to me that there are people who would have more sympathy for PAPs who "desperately want to parent" but chose to adopt an infant instead of a waiting child in foster care, than for an baby who deserves to have his or her family in tact if at all possible. Goes to show you who's needs are really important to some people doesn't it?

THANK GOODNESS FOR ALL THE APs, PAPs and others who actually "get it"!!!

ETA 3: Thanks, Rowan!
I came back to add that PAPs can purchase "adoption insurance" to protect themselves. DO NOT let any kind of money come between you and your child.

Here is a link for a pamphlet for you and your parents:
http://www.cubirthparents.org/ (Read Heather Lowe's pamphlet on "What you should know when considering adoption for your baby.")

There are lots of support and assistance programs to help you keep your child. There are grants for all kinds of things, scholarships for single mothers, co-abode housing programs, job share programs, etc. etc. etc. If you need help finding the resources you need, there are organizations out there to help with that too. Call 1-866-41TRUTH, toll free, 24/7 for information on and assistance with preserving your family. A first mother or adoptee will take your call.

Lori A

There is no rule that says you have to call an agency before your child is born. If you wait to see if you are going to change your mind no one gets hurt as there are no parents waiting in the wings.

lady me

yes you are allowed to

misskate12001

Yes. There is a clause, I forget the actual length of time, that you can still change your mind. I believe it's around a month.

Then you go before a judge who will ask if you are still okay moving ahead, you say yes and then the adoption is official.

And don't let these "it will hurt the couple" people scare you. They too have entered into the agreement knowing full well you can change your mind. Will it hurt them? Yes, but they knew that it was a possibility when they entered the contract.

SJM

Of course you can change your mind. Forget about how prospective adopters feel about it. If they're upset about a mother keeping her child, consider them home wreckers, and forget about them. People like that aren't worth a second thought. If they really wanted children, there are older children, ready for adoption and waiting for homes. They just want a baby. Any baby. Your baby needs you.

In most states, you can't decide to relinquish your child until after it is born. Even if you can sign papers before the birth, you can still change your mind.

ETA: I just read the other answers. Nurse Ratched of the BSE must be here this evening. It's better if you don't see your baby? What a cold, callous thing to say. Who in their right mind would wish for a little baby fresh from the womb to cry for its mother and never, ever be able to find her. That is completely inhumane.

Anha S

The feelings of the aparents shouldn't even factor in to whatever decision you make, and don't let anyone make you think that they should. That's coersion plain and simple. Your baby is your baby!

Mama Kate gave you some great links, really good information.

DevonChaos

YES. You can keep your child as long as you haven't waited until past the waiting period. A woman has the right to raise her own child, despite any earnest promises made during pregnancy.

If you see your baby and fall in love, KEEP THEM! That is why no pre-birth matching should ever be allowed to happen.

If you are the mother in question, good luck with your baby!

ETA: Don't worry about hurting the feelings of the adoptive parents. They can always wait a while longer. You don't owe a baby to ANYONE. This baby belongs to you and only you. If they have hurt feelings, oh well. This child belongs with their mother.

Kate

Yes it's the law.

Jennifer L

Yes! A mother has a legal and moral right to change her mind, after birth.

You have an allotted grace period after birth (which can vary from state to state). Make sure you fully understand all of your rights and the legalities involved before you make ANY decision!

Lisa

Wow. The answers you've gotten are so unbelievable. People need to seriously get educated on the ramifications of separating women and children. I can't believe that people actually think it is ok to separate a newborn baby from his mother JUST to supply an infertile!

It is horrendous. It should be outlawed, It should be criminal.

If I lose my leg or some other body part....can I just go take somebody elses because they are less fortunate, or don't have as much money???

You do not owe anybody YOUR child. YOUR child. Remember that.

The sense of entitlement that adoptor's feel is astounding. They have absolutely ZERO bond with your baby. ZERO. It is YOUR baby. YOU are entitled to your baby, not some vulture infertile adoptor.

Miss 6

Yeah that happens more time than not believe it or not a lot of girls change their mind after they give birth and decide they cannot give up their child.

IDK!!

Yep.....you can.

Try putting yourself in your parents' shoes. How would you feel if you daughter placed her child for adoption because she was afraid to tell you.... as a parent to a daughter I would D.I.E.! It would break my heart to think she wouldn't come to me and that I may not see my grandbaby. I don't think you parents wold react the way you expect. Everything changes after the baby comes.

It's me

I think that you can, you have til a certain amount of time after the birth to change your mind.

Miranda

you of course have a choice, its YOUR baby. don't let anyone tell you different. adoptive parents are warned way in advance that a mother may change her mind, they are well aware of what they are getting into. I say try telling your parents. maybe it wont be as bad as you think. besides, how will you hid that for 9 months? you aren't a child, you are 18. yes its young and it will be hard. but maybe your parents will surprise you, maybe you will surprise yourself. Becoming a mother gives you super strength you never knew you had! lol And thats their grandchild, maybe they will have the best advice for you. perhaps it will be difficult and painful but honestly time heals that, and who could be angry with a baby?! I can only hope if my daughters grow up and get into this situation they choose life....which awesome choice by the way, wonderful....and i would hope they know they can tell me anything. and no matter what it is i can help. give your parents that shot. a baby is raised by a family anyways. its a baby's family that helps make them who they will be, let them in, let them help you. I worry if you already have reservations, then you know your answer, its ok to admit you already have feelings for the baby and know you will love him or her:) good luck. and again, keeping the baby or not, you chose life. congrats:)

Dan B.

of course.and dont worry about those other people, they can just git someone elses baby! it dont matter to them, theyll take any kid.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

LEGALLY, YES, you can change your mind, and if you do decide to pursue adoption, DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

I understand why you may wish to chose and get to know potential adoptive parents ahead of time, but PLEASE be careful to not get yourself backed into a corner. Because, very likely you WILL wish to change your mind, but may feel you cannot. Don't get yourself into a situation where you feel you cannot change your mind.

You may think you aren't ready for a baby, but girl, you're 18!! You can get a job and support the two of you. You can even finish college education... it may take some work and may take longer, but you can do it. (you'll be AMAZED how many college classes you can take online, with your baby on your lap!)

IF you DO decide to pursue adoption, these are things to avoid

1. having any potential adoptive parents pay ANY of your expenses.. this will only make you feel "obligated" to "keep up your end of the bargain" Yuk! They probably are just trying to be helpful and don't realize what a bad practice this is, but just don't make those kinds of arrangements.

2. Avoid any adoption agency that puts any pressure on you to go through with the adoption. IF they tell you that you are not "good enough" for your child, tell them you're walking out their door and not coming back, and do it.

3. Don't have the Potential adoptive parents anywhere NEAR the hospital during labor and delivery.. Remember this is YOUR pregnancy.. YOUR baby.. until (AFTER birth) you decide differently.

If you want to get to know them, fine, but just avoid anyone who will get it into their head that this is their baby. Their attitude should be "IF you decide to put your child for adoption, I'm here and you know how to find me."

Hope this helps a bit. Just know your rights and don't let ANYBODY steamroll them.

Heather B

Your baby is your baby until after he/she is born and you sign away your parental rights. No relinquishment of of parental rights = no adoption.

You don't have to make a final decision until after he/she is born. And there's no risk of baby ending up in the system, they're lining up around the block to get their hands on babies, so take your time deciding and don't let anyone influence your decision based on their needs. It's about you and your baby, nobody else.

Holly W.

Yes you can change your mind. I live in Ohio and once a child is put up for adoption the adoption isn't final for 6 months just in case something comes up like the Mother changing her mind. I would recommend that you don't actually sign anything giving up your parental rights until you have the baby and your sure that's what you really want to do. You can contact a caseworker to find out more information and the different types of adoption just let him or her know you haven't decided on anything and you aren't going to sign anything until your sure. Good Luck on what ever you decide.

sizesmith

First of all, you can wait until after the baby is born to place it, however, at that point, in some states, it would be required to go into foster care adoption.

Read the laws of your state by googling your state's name and adoption and laws. There, you can find out how long the consent times are. For instance, in our state (Arkansas), there is 10 days after the baby is born to change your mind. Our son's 1st mom was going to place a 2nd child with us, and ended up keeping it. When you aren't sure, it's a lot easier from the adoptive parent's point of view, to be very honest about the uncertainty. If someone tries to be pushy with you, put it in writing that you've changed your mind, and won't be placing the baby with them.

You have rights to everything you sign. If they won't give you copies of what you sign, (and ask ahead of time), then do not sign anything. "Reputable agencies" are some of the worst for not letting women know their rights, as they get paid big bucks when they place babies. You have a right to meet the prospective parents, see their home, see the homestudy, and know everything you want to about them. We gave our son's first mom a consent to run a credit report semi-annually, so that way, she'd always be able to find out where we live (of course, we haven't moved, so it's not an issue. She actually moved in with us during pregnancy-by her choice).

If you do place, even if you don't think so at the time, ask for open adoption. This way, you can still interact with the child through it's life, and if the parents you choose are good people who actually would honor open adoption, then it can be a better situation. It's one of the reasons I think every woman who's placing a child should get to know the adoptive parents very well before placing the baby, and also, for her to have the confidence to say no. Don't let ANYONE bully you, or make you feel guilty about anything you do.

There are actually adoptive parents who honor open adoption, and do right by both the children and the first parents. I know, I am one.

somethingelse

Yes you can change your mind. You have no way of knowing how you will feel about the child until it's born. You may have to repay any money they have given you to help you.

Erica Z

Yes you can. But seriously think about it though. I'm not saying you would be a bad mom or a good mom. But think to yourself can I raise this child? Do I have enough Financial support to raise this baby? and, Do I have enough emotional support for this baby? Sometimes young mothers don't realize these kinds of things ARE needed to raise a baby. Not only do you need to be ready for sleepless nights, you also have to be able to read the signs of when your baby needs to go and see the doctor and when it is only a little bug. You also need to remember that when you are constantly gone with your friends and your leave your child at home with a sitter all the time that the child will only know the sitter and not you. Think about this decision before you let your feelings for the baby interrupt whats is right for the baby. Some adults should think of these decisions as well! God bless and best of luck!

Inspiring Thoughts

WELL, it depends on how deep you're in for example did you sign any legal documents? I believe you always have the right to change your mind and the adoptive parents know that however, did your receive any money from them? They can sue you for the return of their funds. I know it may have seemed like you were so positive when you told them and now you can't let go and that is natural as a mother. Just make sure you're sure so you aren't playing mind games with anyone. Its rough. Always a sticky situation but you must live with whatever you decide. God bless you and your son and those people and good luck

greydoc6

Yes, you can. But it's very heart--wrenching for the prospective adoptive parents. Once again their hopes are dashed. Many times they have given monetary assistance to the birth mother, so they suffer financially as well as emotionally.

If you feel you couldn't go through with this, wait until after the baby is born before you decide whether or not to put the baby up for adoption.

Also, look into open adoption.

TWIGGY2

Yes, if it's not a binding legal agreement, but it's a very cruel thing to do to a couple who's heart is set on it. If you think you can't do it, tell the couple as soon as possible that you're having second thoughts, and aren't sure if you'll be able to give up your baby. That way their hearts won't be crushed at the last minute, and they can go ahead and start looking at other options.

Timid Women Rarely Make History

That happens. It's a horrible thing to do to a couple. If you are under any kind of written agreement,they could take you to court.

JellyBaby :D

your allowed to but i imagine that its heartbreaking for the couple and ull feel guilty throughout the childs life..

chuchi27

no, because they have high hopes for the child and its better if you dont see or hear your baby.

Its good you chose adoption over abortion, and make sure you make education your priority in life right now.

Amanda C

well, you shouldnt be able to. but i dont know for sure.

jojo

I believe until you have signed legal documents you can change your mind. But what a cold hearted thing to do. The people that are adopting your child are waiting anxiously for that child and to change your mind at the end is cruel.

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