Im 16 and pregnant Adoption?

DevonChaos

I wish I could go back in time 31 years and BEG my mother to keep me. I have had the hardest time throughout my life accepting the problems that have come from my adoption. I have never felt any connection to my adoptive family, and this has caused heartbreak on the part of many people. I would love nothing more in this lifetime than to have a hug from the woman who gave birth to me, but this may never happen.
Please, consider all your options before the baby comes. Don't commit to anything until you hold that precious baby in your arms and imagine life without them. I can't imagine a second going by not knowing where my kids are. I can't imagine 30 years of it. Wait until the baby is born, I beg you. See how you feel about it then. Money isn't what you need to raise a child. LOVE IS!

Camira B

I took this from an article I wrote. I think it's important to consider these things before you even choose a couple. BTW, I am a first mother, who made an adoption plan, changed my mind after my son was born, and tricked and pressured into giving up anyways so I'm speaking from personal experience.

Things You Should Know If Youâ€™re Planning on Giving Your Child Up For Adoption

1. Adoption is not automatically whatâ€™s best for your child. Many agencies will immediately tell you that the child would be far better off in a family with two parents or a family with more financial resources. Remember, married people can get divorced and people with high-paying jobs can get laid off. There are no guarantees including the guarantee that a stranger would love your child more than you.

2. Adoption will be a painful experience for both you and the child.
Agencies will also tell you that adoption is a good thing because you will be able to move on with your life and go to college, get a better career, etc and your child will love you/thank you for giving him or her a better life. This couldnâ€™t be further from the truth, in my opinion. You will not simply forget about your child and move on with your life like the whole thing never happened. You will think about the child for the rest of your life, every day. I know this from experience. In all likelihood, your child will not thank you because you gave him or her up. While there are some exceptions, most adoptees wish they had been raised by their biological family and even those with the greatest adoptive parents have wondered and wanted to know their histories and stories.

5. Open Adoptions Arenâ€™t Legally Enforceable. Open adoptions are all the rage now-a-days. They claim to allow the first or natural parent some form of contact with and information about the child they are giving up. Please know that while this sounds great, it is completely up to the adoptive parents. Anything they promise you is not legally enforceable and they can â€œchange their mindsâ€ at any time. Adoption severs all legal ties to your child so you will have no recourse. This has led quite a few potential adoptive parents to lie to first parents in order to get a child more quickly. That being said, there are plenty of potential adoptive parents who really do want an open adoption and will follow through on their word. Nonetheless, it still depends on the parent.

7. Make Sure Your Decision is the Right One for You. You will probably feel stressed and under a lot of pressure, maybe from multiple sides. You need to step out of that box, so to speak, and look into your own heart. Think about what you think is best and why. If you arenâ€™t sure at any point in time about what youâ€™ve decided, it is perfectly fine to take some more time to figure it out. If you have any doubts about adoption, take your baby home and try to parent first. If you canâ€™t, you can always continue with your adoption plan. If you give him up, however, 90 % of the time, it is very difficult to get him back. Whatever you choose, if youâ€™ve had time to really think about what it is you want, gone back and forth a few times, and are happy with your decision, things will be a lot easier, though either way, never easy. This might very well be the most important step as you are the one who will live with this decision for the rest of your life, and not only you, your child as well.

Gershom

oh my gosh, your agency language in your own post just breaks my heart. Welfare and food stamps aren't forever, sometimes in order to get to the best places in life, we have to live pretty strict. Whats better than a mother, to her baby? Have they told you that open adoption isn't legally enforceable and that they can close the adoption at anytime they'd like? These people can't give your child YOU, and that is all she wants.

I beg you to try and parent your baby first, for a month and then look into adoption. If these people cared for YOU at all, they'd ask you do to the same. This is YOUR child. Education, dreams, goals, all of that is possible WITH a baby. They'll tell you its not, but thats because they want your child.

Teen pregnancy happens, you owe nobody an explanation. Money means nothing to a baby. You can breast feed to keep the cost of formula down, you can get second hand clothing, i have 2 girls, and tons of clothes, i'll mail them to you if you want. I have maternity clothing left too that I won't be using again. I would love nothing more than to give it to someone who could really use it.

Its not selfish to keep and raise your child. Not in any way shape or form. Money, big houses, 20 years on you, don't mean anything in the eyes of a child, and all of that is still achievable in your future WITH your baby.

Don't let them brainwash you anymore PLEASE.

dory

I was adopted - I'll be honest - I would have much rather lived on welfare and food stamps and been with my mother then to have had to grow up without her.

Raising YOUR CHILD is not selfish. What more could a child really want then the love of his/her mother? Children don't want things - they want their mama.

Just a Mom

I think that most kids would rather live in poverty with their parents than be adopted.

I really can't answer the rest of the question, because the thought of parents competing to get a baby makes me sick at my stomach. It just seems so horrible and heart wrenching for all involved.

I wish you luck, though. I also wish you could see your life 10 years down the road when things are not so hard and maybe you could have given your daughter everything that any adoptive family could have.

Felicita1

Actually, did you know that teen moms actually succeed better than if they had postponed childbearing? And that surrendering a baby for adoption does NOT improve your economic, educational, or job prospects over if you had kept that baby?

I have provided links to a free report that shows the latest data. It seems that all the hype about teen pregnancy "leading to poverty" is just a myth based on deliberately skewing data to fit (see the exiledmothers.com link). Often it is based on news articles that ignores the fact that women in impoverished social and racial groups on average give birth when younger. Teen pregnancy does not "lead to" poverty -- it is often the other way around. But teen motherhood can motivate a mother to succeed in education/employment.

This is from the UCLA report below:

"We find that many of the negative consequences of teenage childbearing are much smaller than those found in previous studies. For most outcomes, the adverse consequences of early childbearing are short-lived. Finally, for annual hours of work and earnings, we find that a teen mother would have lower levels of each at older ages if they had delayed their childbearing."

And also:

"Moreover, we find that teen mothers may actually achieve higher levels of earnings over their adult lives than if they had postponed motherhood. Finally, we find evidence that while teenage childbearing does seem to increase public aid expenditures immediately after a teen birth, this â€œnegativeâ€ consequence of teenage childbearing is not a permanent one, in that teen mothers use less public aid in their late 20s as their earnings rise and their children age."

"I'm 7.5 months pregnant and I have decided to give my daughter up for adoption."

I think you are seriously jumping the gun here. This decision can only be truly made once you have recovered from birth and have your baby in your arms. Only then will you know the depth of the bond between you and your baby. If you find you truly do not want and love your baby, then yes, surrender it. If you love and want your baby, then adoption will be the most painful thing you have ever done and the pain may never end for you. You will feel forced to do it -- maybe by finances and maybe by those around you (especially if you feel you "owe" your baby to people who are joyfully waiting for that baby -- remember it is YOUR baby and you owe that baby to no-one).

But then again, you may not be able to "back out" very easily at this point, as agencies get pregnant moms to meet with PAPs because it increases the chance they will surrender their babies. The agencies KNOW that the mom will "bond with" the PAPs due to pregnancy hormones and feel inadequate to raise her baby due to these same hormones. This is known as emotional coercion, and a coerced decision is not a decision at all as freedom of choice has been taken away.

I have provided some links about open adoption, plus keeping your baby in case you are still interested in exploring this option.

ETA: IF you cannot handle a closed adoption, then do not for an open adoption. Open adoption agreements are NOT legally binding and many open adoptions close. You have NO legal right to see your baby. The adoptive parents have every right to cut off all contact and *not* tell your daughter anything about you. Plus, your daughter, having been rejected once and "given away, may not want any relationship with you even as an adult -- that is very common.

IDK!!

Food paid for by food stamps taste the same as food bought with cash.

PhilM

What your daughter wants is her mother. Money doesn't make up for the loss of a mother. Ever.

Not Adopted

Your baby wants YOU, she is not dreaming about living in a fancy house. SHE NEEDS YOU. Keeping her is not selfish, it's called maternal instinct and being responsible for your own flesh and blood.

Also remember that no woman owes her baby to another woman!

Please read this: http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

Things to ask if you're still considering adoption:
--Are you now or have you ever been addicted to drugs or alcohol?
--Is there any history of substance abuse in your family?
--Do you like to gamble?
--What are your religious beliefs?
--How much have you earned in each of the last 10 years?
--What is your level of education?
--Do you believe in corporal punishment?
--Is there any history of mental illness in your family?
--Do you have any criminal history, either misdemeanor or felony?
--Will the wife be a stay-at-home mother?
--If the child ever gets in trouble, gets arrested, etc., how will you respond?
--What is your credit score?
--Will you submit to drug screening?
--Will you submit to a formal mental health evaluation?
--How do you plan to pay for the child's education?
--Do you believe in "tough love?"
--Do you have any other children?
--Do you plan to have other children (either biological or by adoption)?
--How does you extended family view adoption?
--How do you resolve domestic arguments?
--Has anyone in you family ever been involved in domestic violence in any way (victim or other)?
--Do you have medical insurance?
--Will the adoption be open? How do you define "open?"
--How much contact will be allowed?
--Will you change the baby's name?

...just to list few. If you go through with adoption, these people will be raising YOUR BABY. You have a right to this information, you need to know the intimate details of their life. Be strong and demand answers.

Don't let them act like your friend, they will use this to make you feel guilty if you change your mind.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

selfish?????????? she's YOUR daughter! she doesn't want "stuff"! she NEEDS her mother!

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

No one can tell you what the best decision for you and your child is.

Don't believe it's best for your child just because everyone tells you that. you can be a fine mom..

Just remember that "welfare and food stamps" you can make them a temporary thing.. Do you really want a permanent solution to what could be a temporary problem?

Just think it over.. YOu've got time..

And know that open adoptions are NOT enforceable.. Make sure you chose a couple that won't shut you out once they have your baby.

Do what you know is best.. Make the best decision you can.. That's all anybody can do.

Christina B

Well I really don't know what to do about the questions. How about you keep the baby. I kept mine.

the BABY

Look at this question. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AswqwHh8BxOGhstwqmmf4Fhq.Bd.;_ylv=3?qid=20080917145937AAWYfeL

grapesgum

You will only get to see your daughter once a year!!!!??? The adoptive parents sound like the selfish ones to me.

It is never selfish for a child to be with her mother. Did the adoption agency tell you that keeping your OWN child is selfish?

I see warning flags that you should NOT trust this agency. I advise you to get away from them as fast as you can. I am very, very concerned that the adoption will close and that you will never see your daughter again.

Please, for the sake of your daughter, find someone who will help you to keep her with you. You are the only mommie who your daughter wants.

With best wishes.

alita6869

i'm sure how to answer the question i kept my baby that was 20yrs. ago ,now i'm a grandma so you have to figure this one out on your own
[i would not trade him my son for any thing inthe world]

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

This is my response to another question, and though her situation is not exactly like yours, it is very similar, I hope you will give what I say some serious consideration

Ok, I just want you to know that I kow how you feel, I have been there. I was 19 when I got pregnant and I had my son one month before I turned 20. I am certainly not trying to be rude, but I must wonder, why are you wanting to relinquish you child?

Is it because you are single? So am I, and let me tell you, it is NOT as bad as people make it out to be. Now, I DO have the support of my family, and that helps a ton, but I am still the one that provides the support for my son, I am the one that raises him, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If you are wanting a "Two parent home" for your child? Remember, that the divorce rate is out of control, and more than likely, yur child will end up being raised by a single parent anyway. Then what? You loose a child, your child looses his heritage (and YOU, which is all he really wants anyways) all for a situation which is no better than he would have had anyways REMEMBER! You will not always be single! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

Is it because you are young? Honestly, 20 is not that young. It is an extreamly new development that women wait untill their 30's to have children. I am almost 21 now, and let me tell you, I am a wonderful mother. I love my son more than anything. Age is only a number, you CHOOSE to be a good or bad parent! REMEMBER! You will not always be young! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

Is it because you are in college? So am I. I am in Nursing School. I go to school at night, so my mom or my aunt can watch Jayden. Going to school while being a mom is not that bad. So you have to move your schedual around a little, so what? I promise, it pays off in the end. Being a mom is SOOOO much more fun than getting drunk every weekend at a frat house. And guess what, you can STILL party sometimes, you just find a babysitter for the night. I have never met a woman that became a mother and COMPLETELY gave up having a little fun every once in a while. REMEMBER! You will not always be in college! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

Is it because you don't think that you will be able to support the child? I thought that too. I had to move back in with my Mom, I got on Medicaid, WIC, and other government programs. You will get AWESOME scholarships and Grants for having a child. I will end up oweing next to nothing for school. You child does't want a fancy nursery, name brand clothes, and a trust fund, he wants YOU! You are ALL that he knows, and ALL that he wants. A baby is accutely aware of who his mother is immediatly after birth. This is the modern world, people will NOT allow you and you child to go without basic necessities. There are second hand stores that have REALLY cute stuff for next to nothing. REMEMBER! You will not always be struggling! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

I really hope you do your research (and that does NOT mean asking adoption agencies what they think, they make money from separting you from your child)

I also hope that you do not make a decision untill after your baby is born. There is NO rush, why don't you try to parent him for a while? At least then you will know...

Here are some links to get you started (you can also e-mail me!!)

http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/...

http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_co...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

http://www.birthmothers.info/

http://www.origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?...

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

tish

can't tell you what to do..but i just believe you should know these things:

-this baby doesn't become "real" until after birth.

"But I feel it would be selfish, I cant offer her anything except maybe welfare and food stamps and she deserves better than that. "

-it is NOT selfish to want to keep YOUR baby. and many children were raised, just fine on a modest income. babies don't need designer stuff to have a "better life." also, there is no guarantee that the aparent will forever be employed, married, and stable. in addition, you will not be 16 forever.

"I still get to be a small part of her life and she will always know about me."

-maybe yes...maybe not. many open adoption agreements are closed the moment the papers are signed. also, a lot of people want the first mother to simply disappear. open adoption for the most part, is simply a way to make a young woman believe that she can still be a part of the child's life. there is NO LAW that says they have to let you have any role in your child's life.

so, in other words, realize that a) the aparents can become unemployed, divorced and have a ton of problems and b) you can be totally cut out of your kid's life.

if you are cool with that, then i wish you luck with your decision.

Nathan

You really shouldn't worry about being on welfare and food stamps for a while. Just do what you have to do to get off of them. Your daughter won't think ill of her childhood.

My family was on welfare until my mom finished college when I was around 8 years old. It didn't bother me at all. My childhood was fine. It doesn't bother me now either. Nowadays, I can tell people about how awesome my mom was, from going up and down the block mowing grass so we'd have enough money to breaking her foot and going on to class without seeing a doctor since we couldn't afford it.

You've been irresponsible and made a mistake, but who hasn't made some mistakes? You can be an awesome mom if you try. You can do it for your little girl.

If you're not willing to be responsible and do everything you can to give your daughter a good life though, she probably would be better off with others...

deqa w

when your a baby all she knos is you she has been inside you for 9 mouths she dosnt want things or money all childeren want is their mums the person that looks like them acts like them they dont want to be givin away like sum kind of dool and one visitation a year is not a lot when she grows up she will start saying to you mum why did you give me away and you will say i couldnt provide for you that is a silly excuse to give yor child awayi hate about all this adoption stuff i consider it abandon wait untill you give birth and when your at the hospital and fell a bond then they will take your child away and when he or she grows up will refere to you as the birth mother trust me dont do it my mum might not be rich but i love she cant give me all the things but all babys want is love trust me they dont want anything else would you like it if your mum gave you up just because she didn't have a lot of money i hope you make the right choice for you snd your unborn child

Blaze Ookami

If you don't think you can take care of your daughter, your doing the right thing. But, before you choose one of the couples, I would suggest spending some time with them. See what normally goes on in their house, how much they fight, living conditions, ect.
If you've already done that, I don't know how much more I can help but pick the one you feel the most comfortable with.

Amanda B

I want you to know that no matter what anyone says. Adoption is good I have been trying to have a baby for over a year now and can not get pregnant. i would love to have a baby to love and care for. Do either of the couples have any kids? If you want more about how they are feeling as not being able to have kids or wants some advice you can email me or im me at greeneyedangel_23@yahoo.com

briz_chick_22

congratulations on being mature about this and doing what you feel is right for both you and your daughter.

I have never been in this situation but all i can say is go with your heart and make sure the couple you choose will understand if you decide at the last moment that you are unable to go through with it. Giving birth and holding your daughter is going to change your life and may also change your decision...

good luck with it all

Zeena

You are very strong and selfless.

I don't have any suggestions other than trust your gut feeling.

Your intuition is always right.

Hoshi

Ask yourself - "Who do I feel the best with when I am around them?"

If basically everything else is the same, go with your heart. I think you are doing a wonderful thing.

There are some people who would make you feel ashamed for this choice, but I believe you have nothing to be ashamed of. Thanks to you, a baby will have a LIFE, and a couple who want desperately to be parents can finally have their dream.

Good for you.

Angela B

Dear Amy,
Ask them what they would do in certain situations like what their discpline plan is like. What hobbies they have. What is their life plan for your child public school private school. Stay at home mom. Do they want to travel expose your child to different cultures. What are their hopes and dreams for the child are they the same as yours. What does "open" adoption mean for them and are they willing to go along with what you want for your open adoption. This is important. If they have adopted before are you able to talk to the other child's birthmom or birthfather to see if they follow though and what they think of the adoptive family. Good luck sweetie it is a hard thing that you have to do. Go with your heart and gut feelings. I think after the interviews you will know.

Jasmine

I would ask the adoption agency to meet with both couples. I think interacting with them will help you choose better. Go with your gut instinct, if you love them, so will your baby. =)

littleorfin

You are doing a very unselfish act , I have never been in this situation so I don't know how you would decide on which parents to choose. Maybe you could spend a little more time with each couple to help you decide

maddie

I really respect what you're doing with your daughter. That takes so much courage. I know this is going to sound cheesy, but you really need to go with your heart. My younger sister was in the same position. She didn't know which family was best for my nephew and she did an "investigation" to see who could offer more to her son. She wanted someone who lived in a good area who could provide him with great education. She also wanted someone who would raise him with good morals and who could teach him right from wrong, as any parent would want for their child. In the end, she ended up bonding with a certain couple very well. The couple she chose had tried and tried for a child and couldn't have one. The other couple had 3 children already, so she knew that she would be doing a great thing if she gave a child to someone who couldn't have one.

I hope you go with what your heart tells you and God Bless.

minnie me

i understand, i hope your ready to suffer the pain of not raising her.. sometimes a child takes in to consideration, the struggle and sacrifice a mother made. its good that you are aware that you wont be able to provide for her. you should have thought about that when you were having fun making her. there are a lot of agency's and places that can help provide you with help to keep your child and raise her. take responsibility for your actions. you were blessed with a gift from god.

Kristy

Trust me as a couple that is infertile any couple would be more then happy to take care of the baby for you and give it a wonderful life adoption agencys do charge a lot for a couple to adopt a infant it starts at 13,000 and goes up after that so me and my husband are holding off on adoption because we cant afford the agencys fees but I am sure any couple would be fine you may want to ask them if they have taken parenting classes though most couples don't and them not giving birth to the child themself may not have the maternal nature as you would

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