In an open adoption what can the birth mother tell her previous child when the belly starts to grow?

kayla's mama

you can let her know there is a baby in your belly. let her be a part of it but let her know you love the new parents and wanted them to have a baby so you had one for them.
you can tell her that you love her so much you want them to love a baby just like that.

Lori A

Mama Kate could not have been more eloquent in her answer. I agree with her 100% and I am a surrendering mother. I have to agree that the answers you have gotten here although harsh in appearance come from the heart of someone who has lived it. The other answer, well, that one is exactly what Kate said, coming from someone who has never had to deal with anything but the theory of it all. This is not easy no matter how it turns out.

As far as your belly growing, your child has already picked up on it, you might as well tell the truth. Just be ready for the honesty that comes with it. Your child has no way of being anything but honest at this age and the questions you are going to be faced with may be the hardest you will ever have to answer. Good Luck

MamaKate

Dear Alice,

As someone who can understand where you are coming from, I want to share my experience. I had two children for friends of mine who had been trying for 9 years. (I did this BEFORE I had "my own" children.) I THOUGHT I was doing something wonderful for people I cared deeply for. They made all kinds of promises to me about what kind of relationship I would have with "our" children.

What actually happened was far from the fairytale I thought we were creating. As soon as the second adoption was finalized, my "friends" moved and changed their phone number. I received a letter in the mail informing me that "WE ARE NOW THE PARENTS" and telling me that I was not to contact them or the children.

It has been 13 years.

My sons know all about their siblings and while they are not afraid that I will give them away (I have discussed that I made a huge MISTAKE with them) they wonder about their brother and sister and often make wishes that someday they will know them - both sets of children have lost out on relationships and time that can NEVER be returned or made up for. Neither my children nor myself will ever be the same.

Sometimes adoption SEEMS like the perfect solution to people's problems. Please make sure that you are FULLY aware of what you are getting into, how it might effect you and BOTH of your children. I know you want to do something wonderful, but please understand that your friends are the ONLY ones who will have the true wonder - not you or your children. Even if things work out as promised, there is still a good chance that your children will not feel the same way the adults feel about it.

Some other things you should know and consider:

"Open" Adoptions are NOT enforceable - even in states that claim to support them, it is difficult and expensive to get recourse if something goes wrong and I don't know of ANY cases where it has actually happened - remember - once you sign YOU HAVE NO LEGAL RIGHTS.

Adoption is not a guarantee that your child will have a good life. In some cases it is a hindrance.

Your child's father has to sign over his rights as well or the adoption can be jeopardized.

And finally, while YOU consider this a "surrogacy", your BABY DOES NOT.

I hope that if you still choose to do this that you make sure you have safeguards in place. I would get a separate WRITTEN contract (FROM YOUR OWN SEPARATE ATTORNEY) that outlines the expectations of the relationship. That way, you at least have some civil recourse should something go amiss. Good luck to you and your children, I hope that whatever happens work out for them.

PS: Note that all the answers you have gotten are from first mothers (your possible position), adoptees (your baby's possible position) and human rights workers - except for the one that is telling you that this is "wonderful". It is always amusing to me that people who haven't lived it are so keen to encourage it - even after those who have say otherwise.

ETA: Nobody said offering isn't generous. Its the aftermath that we are trying to warn you about. Did you come for advice or for pats on the back? This isn't about your kids or your friends is it? It's about YOU. You'd give up your child for SLEEP?! How are you so sure you won't be back here in 6 months with questions like this:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjpXQ_n8fs95.zXZyVEDHLEjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20070520150454AA1a9Af
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AsslTkOhlxJnW4JzB4uXsjAjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=1006050513749
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aj9JIDOg13vgF2c.TvY8Z6wjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20080729193247AA0iHQD
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgaPw07M5ofeEBnZEUNhFt0jzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20070403183216AAB50nb

There are hundreds more in resolved Qs. Help yourself to reading them. You don't have to take anyone's advice - it is YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN. But as I said before - we've lived it. It seems to me you should wait until after you give birth to make your choice. If you wish to join us, we'll still be here if/ when you aren't feeling so hot about it. Good luck - I hope things work out well for you.

Ghost Writer Rides Again

Please, for the love of god, DON'T DO IT!!!!! My older daughter was 3 1/2 when I surrendered her baby sister at birth. It is a total mind F**k for a child when their sibling is given away. Don't fool yourself into thinking the baby is no longer yours. That is your baby and will always be your baby. Be prepared when the adoptive couple tell you to never make reference to the children being siblings. The couple that adopted my younger daughter did just that, after over a year of web cam chats between the girls. As soon as baby sis started showing interest in big sissy, they slammed the adoption shut to just pictures and updates and told me I was never to make reference to the children being siblings in any of my correspondence..

Please, don't do this. You will never forgive yourself and your child will never forgive you.

magic pointe shoes

Okay sunshine and unicorn farts aside, as much as you want to pretend this is a surragacy and that you are an incubator to a baby gift for some good people, it also is at the same time a very sad thing about to happen.

Until that child is born, you are *not* a birthmother. Both your children will have emotional complications and hardships by your choice. One will think they weren't good enough to be kept, and the other will wonder why they were kept while the other was given away.

No amount of spin is going to change that impact. You are not a surrogate, you are not a birth mother, you are a mother who is planning to relinquishment. For your own mental health and for your children's mental health, you need to face that fact head on.

myst1998

Huh? I'm with the others who have already answered... your womb isn't a
"womb-to-rent"... thats just sick, try reading Primal Wound to get an idea of what you will be doing to your son when you abandon him.

Your daughter isn't going to understand why you are giving away her brother, that is just really sad and cruel.

ETA: So you want to gie your "kid" away so that you don't have to deal with a few more sleeplesss nights and more potty training? You do realise this is only for a very short time and then they are little people who have so much to offer. I would never trade those things for a peaceful nights sleep... the pain is not worth it for you or your child. I have been pooed on, vomitted over, no sleep weeks running and I cherish it all as it is part of parenthood. Families are meant to stay together, not be split. I am still very sad for your children they will be separated from each other.

Independ"ant"

You can start by getting therapy....tell her mommy isn't in her right mind and you need for her to understand that so that she doesn't normalize pregnancy with giving away or buying/selling babies.

IDK!!

Surrogacy is the practice whereby one woman (the surrogate mother) becomes pregnant, carries and gives birth to a child for another person(s) as the result of an agreement ---------------------->prior to conception <------------------------------that the child be handed over to that person after birth.

It's no surrogacy, which would be a whole other level of wrong. If you can take care of this baby then do it. I would be careful of their open agreement. You know them better than us. As far I I know, my son sister knew there was a baby and he ws going to live with us when born. 3 years later he has another brother and loves them both, they know who he is and he knows who's belly he grew in.

Addie

Wow, you are the most selfish person ever! You might as well give the other two children away too because you are going to mess them up just as much as the one you are throwing away. With no children you will get all of the sleep you want. Hey maybe you can just trade them all in for kids who are already potty trained! Will that be better for you?

"all i asked was that someone with a child's mind or a good understanding of it, would give me a line or 2 that will explain it to the kids."

Someone with a child's mind? Are you serious? A line or two to explain it to the kids? You might as well tell them this "your mommies are selfish people who couldn't be bothered keeping your sibling. You better be good or I will give you away too."

Persnickety Snack

This is where one of those "are families interchangeable" questions would come in handy. So, for you, it's just peachy to have kids and ship them off to other families? That's "wonderful"? I suppose of your the adult handing the kid off, it's lovely, or if your'e the recipient of the kid, it's an amazing "gift", but um fyi, kids aren't toys to be given and taken from one family to another. As long as you only care about the adult's feelings, of course it's going to look just freakin' dandy. BUT IT'S NOT! And you are an evil troll to just be handing off your kids to other people and pretending like someone else's kid is yours. Some people can do it right, but you honey are doing it VERY wrong. And oh my f'ing god, how do you think that child is going to feel when she finds out you've been LYING to her all this time about who her father is??? Do you not even care how damaging this is to the freaking CHILD? It's just dandy for the adults, therefore it's going to be lovely for the kid, too? Think again. You make me sick. Just handing off kids like they have no value. Try BEING that kid who got handed off like an unworthy "thing". How many human beings are you going to discard before you realize that's what you're doing? Trying to make it sound nice doens't work. You're still giving away children.

stephanie C

why all the harsh answers im sure this women has feelings to, if she's trying to hide "it" obviously she has a bit of a guilty conciuos, and believe me that guilt is something way more painful than anything you arrogant people have to say on here. its also wonderful that your giving the gift of birth to a family who could possibly never have kids. you could just explain to your son that mommy's not in the position to take car of 2 babies at once, & that no its not always right to place a baby for adoption, but you have to do it to better take care of what youve already brought into this world.

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