Infant-maternal separation?

Torrejon

When I first heard about the Primal Wound, I totally rejected the idea. However I came across Verrier's work referenced in absolutely EVERY serious writing about adoption. I reluctantly decided to read her book, The Primal Wound, just to be able to refute her theories with reason and logic.

As I read The Primal Wound, I often found myself thinking about my own pregnancies and my experiences with my own newborn children thinking: "Well, of course!" As a mother, I found the book's theories completely believable and supported by my own personal experiences.

However, if the theory of this primal connection between mother and child exists for my children, then certainly it existed for me too. This is a tough book to read as the child. And it was a difficult shift in my thinking to accept that I did indeed suffer from the separation from my birth mother. I do beleive that I have a primal wound. That does not mean that the rest of my life has been ruined or that I am now unable to live a happy fulfilling life. It does however make me more aware of why I am the way I am and why I do some of the things that I do.

I certainly hope that AP's can read The Primal Wound and ponder its ascertations with an open mind and an open heart. To reject out-right a book that is so widely recognized as source material in the discussions about adoption is foolish. Why reject a window into the possible working of an adopted child's mind and heart?

Thanks for the recommendations for other related writing.

Mei-Ling

[Please remember that the vast majority of adopted people would never dream of visiting a site or forum centered around adoption because it is simply a non issue for most of us.]

You're generalizing, which is something you can't do in adoption, no matter how true it may be for some people.

Although I do agree that adoption isn't an issue for some adopted adults.

Problem is, to speak for us is ignoring what WE feel.

ETA: I haven't read the Primal Wound. I do believe that being separated from my first mother will have created a loss that might never ever fully heal, but I do not believe that it will ruin my life.

So, yes I do believe in it in a basic extent, but I don't praise it as being THE best thing for adoptees.

Some adoptees believe they have loss. Some don't. The thing that frustrates me is that the ones who do have loss are dismissed because people only choose to believe the ones that don't.

Not Adopted

Verrier's work is critical for understanding the loss involved in adoption.

Sad that one commenter thinks those bad adoptees are speaking for eveyrone. The reality is that the only voices heard in adopt-o-land are those from the agencies and adoptive parents. Mothers and adoptees are ignored or ridiculed if they dare state an opinion that is contrary to the fantasy view of adoption.

Listen to mothers and adoptees to learn more, read their books and blogs. Avoid PAPs, APs and agencies - they don't like to explore adoption in depth because doing so will reveal major problems.

shafqatali38

thanks for refering good books

Heather B

I totally believe in the Primal Wound. How shocking that people in this day and age don't believe we have a pre-cognitive memory and seem to believe that all babies are blank slates!

Just take a look at studies of babies separated from their Moms when they are put into incubators - it's self-explanatory, they are distressed! Where's Mom?!

This theory was strengthened for me when I had my own kids. There is nothing like a bond between mother and child and that bond is not ready to be broken until the child is grown.

I was not a blank slate and I genuinely missed my mother. The effects are long-lasting, just like any other trauma.

e.g. Some people have a fear of dogs but can't 'remember' a traumatic event involving a dog. It may have happened when they were very small. That 'memory' is carried with them in their subconscious memory despite the fact that they cannot consciously remember the traumatic event KWIM?

It's hard to explain but people who don't want to understand just won't. It's WILFUL ignorance kinda 'say it ain't so, I won't believe it' LOL

People have alot of sympathy for folks who, say, lose their mother in childbirth or infancy - oh, except if you were adopted after losing your mother - 'cos that's just SO different, right?! (rolls eyes and sighs heavily)

The Secret Life of the Unborn Child is also very interesting reading.

MelzMom

As an adoptee and the mom of two biological children, I believe the primal wound theory is hogwash. I don't have any memory of being in my mother's womb and I don't feel any loss of being separated from a mother who I never knew.

On the other hand, I have two biological children who I bonded with during the pregnancy and I loved them even before I knew them or saw them. But that doesn't mean that they knew me or loved me before they saw me. I'm sure they recognized my voice and the rhythm of my breathing at the time that they heard it but newborns can't remember things from one hour to the next in the early weeks of life.

I have a lot of friends who feel like aliens in their family even though they are not adopted. They usually just blame their problems on their parents or somebody else. People just look for others to blame their problems on because it is just too hard to think it could be our own fault.

The primal wound theory is just used as an excuse, in my opinion.

Suzy Sunshine

I think it is as misguided an destructive as The Primal Wound. It is heartbreaking to see adoption used as a stage to work out personal problems, particularly when the proponents seeks to place their issues firmly in the laps of happy adoptive families.

It's just sad.

I wanted to add a note to adoptive parents. Please remember that the vast majority of adopted people would never dream of visiting a site or forum centered around adoption because it is simply a non issue for most of us. Until I became an adoptive parent and wanted to network and help people considering adoption I NEVER looked at anything like this.

When I did I was so heartbroken to see that a troubled minority with a clear agenda had chosen to speak for adopted people.

Please know that your family will be just fine and that in any group you'll have trouble individuals and outliers.

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