Is adoption REALLY a permenant solution to a temporary problem...?

yeahright

In adoption, even open ones, legal rights to your child are terminatedThey are permanently given to the adoptive parents, so yes, it is permanent solution or a perm problem depending on your view point. That is why IF you decide on adoption, you need to take the long view of your decision and weigh it extremely heavily because it IS a perm one and not right for everyone.

Another reason why all preg women who are contemplating their choices NEED to fully investigate/educate themselves and examine what those choices are, how they feel about them over the long haul, the impact of those decisions (good/and/or bad) and take responsibility for their choices either way.

Robin W

So-called "open adoptions" are not co-parenting. The mother still loses her child and her parental rights. Reunion, while an answer to many a prayer, does not undo the years apart, the twisting and warping of the primal bond, and the grief....when you lose a child to adoption, you will never get your "baby" back. Reunion with an adult child is like meeting a familiar stranger. You have to work at it just like any other relationship.

Reunions are also, often problematical. Insecure adopters, adult adoptees with abandonment issues and a lack of understanding from friends and family can make it a difficult road to travel.

"Open" adoptions are, in the majority of states, completely unenforceable. The adopters can slam shut the door to communication with impunity and, if the state they are in does provide legal recourse for the mother, they can move and very few judges will extradite them or move on a mother's complaint.

Take it from someone who has a good reunion....nothing will ever make up for that hole that was punched in my heart. My husband lost his only child to suicide and, while in a support group, we learned that it is a loss you learn to live with because you never get over it. Losing a child to adoption is just like that. You have to learn how to live with it, because you can never get over it.

What you might be facing today is not what things will be like a year or two from now. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, help to be found and a baby needs his/her mother...not a "solution."

Mei-Ling

Most of the time, it certainly seems so.

Plus, once the adoption is finalized... the new family IS permanent.

And to echo what Sunny said... my mother will always be my mother but she will never be able to parent me.

That's permanent as far as permanent goes.

ladybmw1218

Permanent= permanent loss of all legal parental rights. Permanent loss of typical parent/child relationship.
Temporary= being young, being in school, not having much money

Obviously not all relinquishments are based on age, education, or finances, but enough are to make this axiom something worth considering.

sunny

I lost 22 years with my mother.

I had to pretend I was the daughter to strangers.

I had to break the law to obtain my records.

Open adoptions are NOT legally enforceable.

I will never get to be my mother's baby, and she will never get to mother her baby--that's pretty freaking permanent to me.

kateiskate

It's pretty darn permanent to me. Until you can rewind time and take my childhood back to the start, adoption will always be permanent thing.

Flying Monkey #073177

Permanent - Loosing my son to adoption

Temporary - The medical reasons that caused me to loose my son.

Looks like the answer is yes.

maybe

I'll answer this question with a series of questions for you:

Do you see your adopted child a permanent part of family?

Is he permanently separated from his blood in the eyes of the law?

Will reunion magically negate the legality of adoption and make him part of his blood family?

Will you be offended if he calls his natural mother "mom?"

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

YES!

Also-

Ollie- Tish DID raise her son, she never signed the relinquishment papers. Also, are you suggesting that people get rid of their children to have a chance at a better income? Are you suggesting that MONEY is more important than your CHILDREN???? So much for the "loving choice" rationale you love to spew...

Mamakate- WELL SAID!!! I was crying by the end of your post!!!

Linny G

Yes.

Open adoptions are a myth. They are NOT legally enforceable in the US. Its another way for brokers to make adoption a less painful option. There are a few a parents who are honest and have the integrity to keep their contract true, but not many.

"More reunions each day"- that should be telling. Adoptees, esp those from the BSE are just about all grown up and they will not live without knowing their families any longer.

It IS/was a permanent solution for me. I can never get my childhood back. The childhood that did not include emotional problems due to missing my Mother, the emotional problems from not being allowed to grieve, or even talk about my Mother, the emotional problems from fearing abandonment and rejection- to this day, and the emotional problems caused by uninformed people who think I am a piece of sheet because I dare to love both of my families.

grapesgum

Open adoption is still adoption with its inherent loss for the parents and child. So sad that there is a need for reunions. I don't see how a reunion negates all of those lost years.

ETA - Open adoptions are NOT the norm for international adoption (that's why most of them pay through the nose for international - so the adoption will not be open). Will transplanted Chinese and Guatemalan children have reunions? I think not - that was the intention of the adoptive parents was it not?

jessica300

â€œA seventh effect of the decline in adoptable infants was open adoption, an innovation in adoption practice that began in the mid-1980s. In an effort to ****encourage birth mothers to relinquish their babies for adoption****â€¦â€
E. Wayne Carp

Open adoption is just another ploy.

Do you think that seeing your baby call another woman "mommy" is something most women can even live with? How do you think they handle that? Do they go home and grieve quietly, politely, not burdening the adoptive parents with their grief?

Do you think that a reunion after 20 or 30 years is the band aid that makes everything all better:

I am amazed and deeply disheartened that people like you who have been here on the adoption board, reading of the pain and anguish felt by both first mothers and their children, cannot grasp the depth of pain that we feel, and feel that reunion is some kind of solution. It is not.

Your question, "what exactly is the problem" is very important and one that I feel is easily and often overlooked. We should be looking very closely at why a young woman thinks that she cannot raise her child. Adoption simply is not a good solution for the many situations young women find themselves in. There are many "problems" and most often it is the situation that is unwanted, NOT our babies.

Torrejon

Actually, I think you've got it backwards. Adoption is a temporary fix for a permanent situation.

gibberish

No All those stories of wonderful success well have you thought that you wouldn't have that six figure income had you been a teen aged mother?

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