Is divorce harder on an adopted kid?

PhilM

I think that the problems from adoption and the problems from divorce tend to reinforce each other. The belief that you did something to drive the parents away/apart. The worry that more people will leave. The issues of loyalty. The desire to please others.

ETA: Divorce may be the best thing FOR THE PARENTS. But that's not what the question is about. Even when it's best FOR THE PARENTS, it can be hard on the children.

aloha.girl59

I can certainly see where it might be. After all, adoptees have already lost one family. Divorce causes them to lose yet another parent...at least part of the time.

My (now ex-) husband and I split up 22 months after we first brought our son home. He was a little more than 4 at the time of our divorce. I took my son (with my husband's permission, of course) out of state to live and we have been here in Hawaii 3-1/2 years now. At first, when his father visited, our son would cry after dropping him off at the airport. Before we'd even driven a mile from the airport, our son was saying, "I miss Daddy!" with tears pouring down his face. It was awful. My ex-husband visits for a long weekend every 6-8 weeks, so in actuality he sees his child more often than a lot of divorced dads (or moms) do. He was just here for 2 weeks to celebrate Christmas and our son's birthday with us. When he visits -- as neither of us has remarried at this point -- he stays in our house with us. He takes on parenting duties such as overseeing bath time, preparing meals, playing with our son, etc. so I get a little bit of a break. We also do things together as a family. For example, the 3 of us just spent Saturday night in a hotel together so that we could have a fun birthday treat for our son. We went in the pool and jacuzzi together and had a nice dinner and he got to open his presents while still at the hotel yesterday (his actual birthday). Our relationship is unconventional, but we think it's best for our son to see us getting along and it has worked for us for more than 3 years now. My son no longer cries when we drop off his dad at the airport because he KNOWS daddy is coming back to see him again soon. That has been well-established by example.

Divorce isn't ideal for ANY child (unless there is abuse, of course) and I wish we'd never split up. (It wasn't my idea and I fought it for nearly 3 years.) But my son is well-adjusted and he knows he is loved by both of us, even though his dad doesn't live with us anymore.

Tears In Rain

Divorce was the best thing for my parents. I think every situation is different. You can't say "oh no that's a bad situation" when it can be the best thing to ever happen when two people are arguing ALL the time. Now my parents are both happier and more importantly Healthier people to be around.

Alyssa-Jane Autumn

yes.
Think about it, for one reason or another you don't have your biological parents. You may not feel this is an issue as your loved by your new ones...but then they seperate...another parent leaves you? even though you may seem them every other weekend...they still broke the 'whole family' feeling...
I feel this would give the child abandonment issues.

Kazi

I am not adopted, so obviously I am coming from a different place, however, I don't think "harder", "easier" are things that can be quantified. My cousin (not adopted) is in his early 30's and I would say that he is severely stunted emotionally. He cannot hold onto a relationship for more than 5 months because he doesn't see what the point is. I think it's just sad all the way around.

nycgal96

Well, my 6 year old cousin was adopted from New Jersey and my uncle and my ex-aunt just divorced. My ex-aunt is also recovering from cancer. All these things probably are so hard on my cousin who is only 6 years old!!!!!! They all connect and mind-bobble the little one. THe child might also get the idea, "Oh, i made my real mom and dad's life miserable, now I'm making my new mom and dad miserable," like there something wrong with them that makes people go insane or fall out of love or line. Be careful when you are adopting or getting ready for a divorce.

gypsywinter

Forgive me please....but I thought adoption guaranteed the surrendered child a 'Forever Family'??? That the natural mother/parents were doomed to a life of hell and future divorce, if the natural mother kept her baby. Did I miss something in Adoption Mythology?

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