Is every adoptive parent equipped (physically, emotionally, financially, etc.) to...?

Lillie

No.

But it's funny how when a woman gives birth to one (expecting to give birth to a "healthy" baby), most find a way to take care of their child no matter what obstacles they face.

Perhaps with more support and education, more PAP's would find that they in fact COULD adopt a special needs child after all.

Rowan

no, not everyone is capable of caring for a child with special needs. I applaud the ones who feel they are up to the task. But i know, at this point in my life, i couldn't do it. I'd like to think somedy i could though.

Sofiakat

We were neither looking for a baby or had hopes for a toddler with a "blank slate." However, we were still not as prepared as we should have been or could have been for a three year old with RADs. We knew he had an eating disorder. We knew he had some behaviors, but many of the behaviors changed and worsened when he was moved into our home. Most of the cyc's that worked with him and us had no clue what to do in most of the situations. We felt alone and isolated with it all. And we loved him, which actually added to our pain because there was no way to distance ourselves from the situation. He was ours and we would not give up, even if no one would help us.
It was like having a new born considering all the sleepless nights keeping watch so that he would not hurt himself or destroy something, not to mention the screaming til 3 am "mommy no! Mommy no." Everytime it would start, I would begin to tidy the house cuz i was sure a neighbor would call the police because of his screaming. And his anguish was so evident, so real, so scary in someways, and all we could do was hold him and love him and let him talk to us. We couldn't make it better. Sometimes I wished I could reach into him and physically take his pain from him, just to give him a moment of peace and happiness. God, how do you prepare anyone to deal with that??? And all I kept thinking was that his experience of this was 10 billions time more than mine.

Randy B

Certainly not. When my wife and I started our last adoptions we let it be known that there were certain issues that we felt unable and unqualified to deal with. This would have caused problems not only for our current family but for the new child as well and would not have been fair for everyone.

In our case we knew that there were certain things like mild FASD that we knew we could handle since our oldest child has similar issues we are dealing with in her case. For her it was caused by malnutrition prior to adoption however it was something we were familiar with. Also, our home was not conducive to someone who was blind or had mobility issues so those were out of consideration regardless of where our heart was.

You are right, it is silly to push special needs children to preadoptive parents who are looking to adopt a "healthy" baby but at the same time who is to say what is healthy? Our middle daughter, born to us, is 100% deaf in one ear and if she was up for adoption would be considered "special needs" because of that. Does that mean she should only be considered by parents looking for a healthy child?

It does a disservice to the children and to the adoptive families to at least not ask them to consider certain special needs children. The fact is, when you are filling out the paperwork there are often issues that are excluded or included in consideration due to a lack of knowledge or consideration. The social workers should be there to educate the PAP so they don't limit themselves too much or take on more then they can realistically handle.

RACER _X Lord Sith

At least not in my country because we are a poor country, however in our possibilities many people is adopting abandoned children that need at least somebody that loves them, and for the emotional thing that is almost imposible to have, because we don't have the "therapy culture" that you have in United States.

monkeykitty83

No, of course not.

But people also shouldn't just assume that they AREN'T equipped, just relying on stereotypes and never doing the actual research. Foster care adoption is a lot different than most people imagine it to be-- and if they see the reality of it, they may find it's something that they not only can do, but feel personally drawn to.

I don't think there's anything coercive about asking people to CONSIDER adoption from foster care. They may decide not to, but isn't making a decision fully informed about all their options better than an uninformed decision made without facts and preparation?

Mei-Ling

Forgive me but... how is it coercive?

It's not like we can absolutely force someone to do foster care. If it isn't right for them, then it isn't. But rather than leaping to international adoption, they might want entertain the possbility of foster care.

Not saying they *have* to... just something to think about.

Your point about those who are looking for a healthier baby is taken, however, please don't forget that many parents who adopted overseas DID have to deal with medical issues and malnutrition. It's not any "better" in terms of healthiness just because it isn't foster care. I see people's blogs all the time writing about how their children had medical issues for a good number of months before they were perfectly healthy again.

It doesn't always happen that way in international adoption, but sometimes it can due to the orphanages and lack of proper medical care. So in those cases, neither foster care OR international would be the ideal choice unless they are guaranteed a healthy baby - which isn't actually guaranteed.

But if you do know of some situations where it was, please let me know. I'd be curious to find out more detail about those situations.

IDK!!

Nope. I don't think anyone can understand how hard it can be without doing it. These kids probably ended up in foster care because of their pown parents couldn't meet their special needs, its not always abuse or neglect, sometimes it's just "augh, I can't do it anymore".

Even when you think you are ready fo ANYTING, God throws you a curve ball. Crap happens.

grapesgum

Nope definitely not. Nor are adoptive parents automatically equipped to adopt a healthy white infant.

Santa's Lil' Helper

No they are not!

Special needs children have a higher incidence of abuse...adopted or not. No one should adopt a special needs child because they were "guilted" into the match.

Biological parents have an expectation of a healthy child. Adoptive parents have a choice....one that should NEVER be taken lightly.

kidmindi

No not everyone is equipped to handle a special needs child. I adopted my step daughter who is a special needs child, and I can tell you it is not easy. It is physically and emotionally draining.

I think if a person knows they do not have the patience to deal with special needs they should not be talked into adopting a special needs child.

BLW_KAM

I shake my head at a neighbor who told me, "God made a mistake when he gave me a special needs child." Her answer to ADHD, OCD, and defiance disorder is to keep her child heavily drugged (on an adult psychiatric med) and to leave her with someone else whenever possible. So clearly, not every parent (natural or adoptive) is equipped to handle the needs of a special child.

We had training and support after adoption, but the reality of our daughter was much different than the training.

She screamed during most of her waking hours, went into overload when she looked me in the face, was too restless to be rocked, and never smiled. I was very sad those first few months and I seriously questioned my own emotional strength.

But we were fortunate in that time worked it's magic and "special needs" is now a term of the distant past. She's has no learning disabilities, no attachment problems, and no lingering physical repercussions of any kind. Yea for her!

Just a Mom

No.

Kimberly

No.

My oldest foster care daughter that was adopted has Down's Syndrome. She came to us when she was 3 and we adopted her at age 7. And we love her just the same. She's a thriving adult now (has her own store) and is married (He also has Down's Syndrome)and I'm proud of her.

However some people cannot. It could be money (doctor's bills and medicine), physically(if they are an older couple taking in children, they cannot really deal with a special needs child) and emotion (they just can't stand watching them be so sick).

And they aren't wrong if they are. They just aren't ready. But that doesn't make them less of a foster parent.

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

No they are not and I would never, ever, not in a million years coerce or otherwise try to talk a family in to adopting a special needs child from foster care. Now to clarify, by special needs, I am assuming you are referring to medical needs/behavior needs/disabilities. I ask because by definition (in my state anyway) all foster kids are special needs...and then they have individual needs.

IMO, families know what they can handle......they ask, we process and I try to match children to that families qualities.

Daisymay

No. Thank goodness you asked this because you and I are in the same boat. I felt the same way. I am a foster parent that wants to adopt. I wanted a healthy child. Obviously sometimes you have to do some therapy or speech classes, and I can handle that. But the little girl I have now is adorable and I love her so much. We want to adopt her. DSHS wants us to adopt her little sister too. Her little sis was born 2 months premature, exposed to drugs in utero, and weighed a pound and a half when she was born. They tell me she is fine now (10 months old now) but I know that there has to be damage that is not signficant now, but they tell me when she gets in school they will be able to tell if she had incurred any damage.
Anyway, do not beat yourself up. I know that when you say you want to adopt a healthy baby that you probably feel guilty and selfish, but don't back down. And definitely, God Bless the people who can do it.

Gershom

NEWSFLASH: every child who loses his/her natural mother becomes "special needs"

maybe not written in paper, but they do emotionally and if you can't believe that, then you shouldn't be adopting ANYONE ever.

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