Is it common for adoption workers to misuse the term "birthmother"?

sunny

It's not a 'misuse' at all.

It's intentional, I assure you. I have written many sales letters in my career before becoming a SAHM.

It's just like referring to a customer in writing OR on a sales call as a 'valued client' over and over.

Unconsciously, they don't want to lose their 'value', so they'll buy more from you.

How can a pregnant woman be a 'birth' anything? She hasn't given birth yet. Do people call dogs 'birthdogs' if they're going to give away or sell the puppies? Of course not.

That term is employed for two reasons, one to make the mother feel as if there's NO other choice BUT to give up her child, and to make the potential adoptive parents comfortable.

Oh, and to the answerer who works at an agency. I have an idea for a correct term for the pregnant women, you know to end all the 'confusion' in the agency:

'Natural mother'

But your customers might not like that, and we all know the customer is always right.

tish

oh my God...i was going to post a similar question, but i was too busy preparing for my kwanzaa ceremony tomorrow.

-disclaimer: this post is directed to adoption agency practices in infant, non/foster care adoption.

#1- yes. your understanding, my understanding and the understanding of most of the civilized world is that a 'birthmother', although in definition means "biological mother", is generally ONLY used to describe mothers who give birth to children they do not parent. in other words, it's ADOPTION LANGUAGE....when i gave birth to my two children, i don't remember the term "birthmother" on the medical chart. yet, i do remember, "mother." hence, when people wish to default to the "dictionary.com" definition to defend marginalizing pregnant women, i say, "naw...try it again."

#2- mental conditioning. this for me was the most insulting when i made my adoption plan. i tell you, i felt like a pregnant cat with AKC papers!!! if a young woman is addressed as a "birthmother" from the moment she walks in the door until she delivers, what do you think she thinks when it's time to relinquish.

i wanted to also give an analogy regarding how people train fighting dogs, by feeding them raw meat and encouraging them to kill cats as a means of mental conditioning, but i thought that was too graphic. i think you get the point, tho-

#3- yes. yes. yes. yes. yes. yes....yes. si, wi, ja, hai, sawa, hao, (any more languages???)

i tell you, the mental conditioning of pregnant women as simply "breeders" is sicking. i mean WTF is this, atwood's "the handmaiden's tale???"

amyburt40

Yes your understanding of the term"birthmother" is correct.

To get them to relinquish. I see it as a way to diminish their capacity to parent.

Most definitely is it a form of coercion.

LaurieDB

Although Melissa's answer is technically true, in Adoptionland "birthmother" does refer to the woman who is the biological mother to a child who is or may be adopted.

I think it's suggestive and coercive to start referring to a woman as a birthmother when she hasn't even HAD the child yet or, if she has had the child, hasn't signed relinquishment documents. I think it's a subtle way to make PAP's believe that the child is available for adoption, i.e. that the child no longer has legal parents. It also affects the mother, particularly if she is young and easily impressed, by getting it into her head that her role IS that of birthmother.

If the term was used in its strictest sense, all biological mothers, even those who raise their children, would be called birthmothers. Instead, women who raise their children are simply called mothers.

So, do I think adoption workers "misuse" the term "birthmother?" No, I don't. I think that many of them just flat out abuse it.

EDIT:
Gershom, great article!

Andraya

"If a child lives with criticism. He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility. He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule. He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame. He learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance. He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement. He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise. He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness. He learns justice.

If a child lives with security. He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval. He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship.
He learns to find love in the world."

If a mother lives thinking she is only a "birthmother" then only a "birthmother" shall she be. Call someone crazy enough and they may just start doubt their sanity, call someone a "birthmother" enough and they may start to doubt their right to choose motherhood.

It all boils down to coercion tactics. Drilling into a woman's mind that she is NOT a parent, nor will she be a parent to this child. This is someone else's child and she is merely a "birthmother".

Robin

There are many good answers here...the term "birth mother" has been properly explained. Yet still, people persist in trying to deny that the use of the term "birth mother" in reference to any woman OTHER THAN one who has signed papers relinquishing her child is at minimum, PREMATURE.

As an adoptee, the only time I've heard or used the term "birth mother" is in reference to my birth mom, or to a biological mom who has relinquished her child.

As much as some of you all want to stay in denial, the term IS used as a subtle form of "persuasion", if you will, to prepare (condition) a mother-to-be (considering adoption) by getting her used to the idea that the child she is carrying she will be relinquishing. Not IF she relinquishes, but WHEN.

As for the term "birth mother" in reference to all women who have given birth, GET SERIOUS! I can assure you that I am my children's MOTHER --- NOT their "birth" mother! Ask YOUR mother how she'll feel if you begin referring to her as your "birth mom". How idiotic to assert such a ridiculous argument!

As far as social services using the term to distinguish between "mothers" (foster, step, god-, adoptive), that's a bunch of foolishness. As a CASA (court appointed special advocate) I've read many case files of children in foster care. I have never seen the term MOTHER in reference to anything but the child's mother. I have NEVER used the term "birth mother" when talking to my CASA child about her mom.

Other references in court records may qualify the relationship with "foster-", "step-", "prospective-". Even when parental rights have been terminated, the child's mother is still referred to as the MOTHER - and nothing else.

Gershom

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/Why_Birthmother_Means_Breeder.html

great article on "birthmother"

Isabel A

I respectfully disagree with the person above me. A mother is a mother until she relinquishes her rights to parent. The adoptive parent can not legally take a child until the mother has signed away her rights.
Honestly, most mothers who do make an adoption plan have no idea how they will feel about relinquishing until their baby is here. I think there are adoption agencies out there that take advantage of this and convince a mother to allow potential adoptive parents into the delivery room or even live with the potential adoptive parents in order to make them feel more like "birthmothers" before they sign the papers instead of the mothers that they actually are. It is coercion. Very subtle coercion but coercion nonetheless. And it can make a person feel like she owes a couple her child. Adoption is NOT supposed to be about supplying needy couples with babies but providing babies with a loving home.

To use the term "birthmother" on a woman who has a) not yet given birth and/or B) not legally relinquished is just plain wrong.

For the first three days of my life, my mother was my mother. No one will ever take that away from either of us.

Cam

Any woman who has given birth to a child is a birth mother. It is however a term that we have used in our adoption when referring to my daughters natural mother when speaking to strangers unfamiliar with our family. In person we refer to my daughter's natural mother by her name.

I once heard another adoptive mom refer to her daughter's natural mother as "birth giver", which turned my stomach. It at least made "birth mother" sound human.

Laurel J

A woman who has not relinquished her child for adoption is not a "birth mother," and many people find the term offensive even when used properly.

If the internet is any indication, it's not only common for the term to be misused, it's epidemic. And of course it's about coercion. Every time a pregnant woman is called "birth mother," the idea is planted a little more firmly in her head that she's having a baby for someone else to raise.

Kinda like this friend I have who keeps calling me "Doctor" in hopes I'll finish my PhD--except less benevolent.

@AdoreHim--If you weren't adopted, do you call your mother your "birth mother"? Of course you don't. If you had given birth to your children, would you refer to yourself as their "birth mother"? Would you tell them to call you "my birth mother"? Of course not. Do you really wonder why so many people find your answer to be a poor one?

Melissa

All's birthmother means, is the woman who gave birth to the child. I am the birthmother to my child. Usually as you mention, it's used to refer to the mother who has surrendered rights, but that's not what it means.

Erin L

Don't have much to add . . . I do think it is intentional and coersive.

Cam, that is interesting. I also know a woman online who refers to her children's first mother as "birth giver". I was apalled and called her on it. She explained that she is an adoptee who does not consider her biological parents to be parents. To her, her adoptive parents are her parents and that is how it will be with her children, and they WILL be grateful little adoptees as well, just as she was for her adoptive parents! She even had a few other people on the forum saying "birth giver" is what they would call their children's first mother. After all, they said, she is an adoptee and must know what is best from the adoptee perspective. A few of us tried to be a voice of humanity and stick up for our children's mothers, but it was quite sickening.

GrewInMyHeart

People don't always think carefully before they use a term, or don't know that there is a better term to use. Maybe if they knew what the alternative terms were, they would use them.

littleJaina

So, why are there so many thumbs down for people who answer logically. Birthmother is made up of two words. Birth and Mother. Thus, logically, it means a mother who has given birth. Thus, I am my son's birthmother. However, because I am his only mother, it is somewhat redundant to call me his birthmother. However, this distinction would be useful for children who had two mothers, one who gave birth, and one who adopted them. In that way, seeing "birthmother" as dorragatory to me seems silly. At least they're acknowledging this person as a mother of some sort.

Personally, I prefer to speak of those women who gave birth to children without any love at all, and then either abandoned them or abused them as biological donors of maternal chromosomes. They were not mothers in any way. They simply donated some genes.

This is obviously not true of all biologcial mothers who relinquished thier child out of love, because they weren't able to care for them. Those women were mothers, in a way, because they nutured and sheltered the child for nine-months in a safe place, brought the child forth through birth, and chose to give the best life they felt capable of giving. Thus, the term "Birthmother" is a sign of respect. It respects the fact that the woman who gave birth had the attributes of a mother.

If the adoption industry is using it to try to coerce people, then that is very sad. No one should take advantage of a pregnant scared worman. On the other hand, if you let a mere word convince you to give up your baby, you weren't qualified to raise it anyway!

Crucio

Clearly its a term mostly used when referring to an adoptees biological mother. However technically any woman who has given birth is a birthmother.

Red

The reason social workers refer to the term "BIRTH-MOTHER" is because their main objective is to keep the children with the birth parents if at all possible. So, they want the child to understand the difference between a "MOTHER, & BIRTH-MOTHER to let them know it's okay to have more than one mother. All children feel an obligation towards their birth parents no matter how bad it was & they feel guilty in some sort of way. Some parents give of children for adoption for many reasons! Some good & some bad, but social workers have a really hard job and most of them don't stay in the same place for long periods of time because of breaksdowns in their own way. Anyway I think the term "BIRTH-MOTHER" is used by social wokers mainly to distinguish the fact that it's okay to have more than one mother.

Still Me

As a Social Worker with 20 years of experience working with all kinds of families, I can tell you this term grew out of a need to distinguish one "kind" of mother form another. For example, I have worked with all kinds of mothers -- stepmother, sister mom, grandmothers, birthmother, "play" mother, adoptive mother, second mother, foster mother, "baby momma", godmother, etc. Families are not simple anymore. Many families pull together to parent a child, others are fractured and the children cared for by a succession of women (mothers). Also, when families come into the "system" of the state (Protective Services), there is a need to distinguish relationships to figure out who has taken care of a child, who the child is close to, who may have hurt a child, who has legal rights to a child, etc. So, a ploy at disception? Hardly. An attempt at clarification in this time of complex families? Yes.

AdoreHim

Birth mothers are girls/women that are given birth to their children- regardless if they wind up placing for adoption or not. I adopted 2 children so I am not a birth mom, however if I have had my own children, I would have been a birth mom. A birth mom gives birth, it is as simple as that. Coercion, may you please explain what you mean? My kid's birth mom was not coerced into placing for adoption- they selflessly did that on their own.

EDIT- I am very interested to hear from the 12 people that gave me thumbs down and why,

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