Is it fair to compare a mother-to-child bond to a child-to-mother bond?

I have seen several adoptees post recently that although they love their adoptive mothers, the bond they had with their a-mother just wasn't the same as the bond they have with their own flesh-and-blood, biological children.

I've seen some mention of the DNA relationship being important. And, while I do think that there is probably *something* to that, I wonder if anyone's relationship is the same mother-to-child and child-to-mother.

I am not adopted and grew up with my biological parents. I love them dearly, but I would not describe the 'bond' I have with them to be the same (or even the same strength) as the bond I have with my children. And my children are adopted -- without any biological relationship to me.

I wonder if it has more to do with each party's position in the relationship. As a mother, your job is to protect, care for, nurture, etc. As a child, your job is to grow up and become independent of our mothers.

I'm truly *not* trying to dismiss anyone's experience here, but in an anecdotal poll, it looks like:
-- many adoptees feel a stronger bond to their biological children than to their adoptive parents.
-- I feel a stronger bond to my (adopted) children than my (biological) parents
-- I suspect that my sister and my sister-in-law would both report feeling a stronger bond to their (biological) children than their (biological) parents.

Everyone seems to report a stronger bond to their children than their parents, regardless of the biological relationship. I am wondering if it has anything to do with the biological relationship at all (if it does, I'm the odd one out), or if it has to do with your "position" in the relationship, regardless of biological relationships. Mother-to-child and child-to-mother are two different relationships. Can they be compared?

Thoughts?
Additional Details
I wanted to say thank you to everyone for their insightful, respectful answers. My take-away from all of them is that, no, you really can't compare a mother-to-child relationship to a child-to-mother relationship, but for some adoptees that's all they've got. (I was not, in any way attempting, to diminish the importance of having contact with first families... And I do agree that first-to-adoptive mother is a more apples-to-apples comparison.)

Monkeykitty, I hope you don't feel too badly about your relationship with your mom. I love my mother dearly, too, but I've never had a finish-each-other's-sentences relationship with her either. Although we are related, we are very different people. It's great that some people have that, but I don't think that's the norm, even for people born/raised in their biological families.

PhilM

Well, if you prefer, let me compare apples-to-apples...

The bond I have with my first mom is different (saying "stronger" sounds dismissive, it's at least AS strong) from the bond I have with my adoptive mom.

I love them both, and I have a bond with both of them. But it isn't the same. There is something about blood. That's the point of the children comments I see from adoptees. Seeing and touching someone you share blood with matters. It has an effect that I think is hard to understand from people that have always had blood connections.

For many adoptees, the first blood connection they can see and touch is with their children.

Lillie

I am an adoptee, and have two children who I gave birth to.

I have also reunited with my natural mother and I can say without a doubt that the "bond" I share with her goes much deeper than anything I shared with my adoptive mother.

This has nothing to do with love.

It has to do with an unquantifiable connection that we have. It's something I can't even put a label on, but it is there. It is what caused my subconscious mind to remember her voice and recognize it like I had heard it a million times, the first time I had spoken to her on the phone after 23 years of separation.

It is what causes us to finish each other's sentences, to "know" when we that phone is going to ring and it's going to be her, to "feel", across the miles, when she is happy or down or angry.

It is a deep and spiritual connection that I never had with my adoptive mom.

It doesn't mean I didn't love my adoptive mom, far from it. I stayed with my adoptive mom on her deathbed and took care of her as she died of cancer, and I would do it again and again and again, as much as it ripped my heart out to lose her and see her die that way, but I would do that because I loved her that much.

But that spiritual connection wasn't there. I didn't have that with her what I have with my n-mom, even after only being in reunion for 12 years.

BOTZ

Like PhilM said, if you want to make a 'fair' comparison, it would have to be "bond with one mother" compared to "bond with other mother".

For me, there is no contest. I have NO bond with my a-mother. I DO have a bond...a strong, deep and intense one, with my Mom -- the natural one.

I have no children of any kind.

To make an unequal comparison, as you did, my bond with my sister (who is no blood relation, adopted into the same family I was) is MUCH stronger than the bond I have with my husband (also not blood related -- which, as an adoptee, is a relief rather than a *joke*).

Take care!

Kassy

I know what you're talking about because I've noticed that too, and wondered. It's fine to compare how you feel about your natural mother vs. your adoptive mother. That's apples to apples.

But I do see the apples to oranges of adopted mother vs. bio children brought up repeatedly as well. I love my mother. I would drop her in a heartbeat if I had to choose between her and my (adopted) children. My mother would've done the same with her children & her mother. I think you're right that sometimes it's position in the relationship more than biology.

That has nothing to do with how amazing it must be if you don't know anyone genetically related to you to hold your first child/first blood relative in your arms.

Linny G

EVERYTHING that Lillie said. Perfect, Lillie!

SJM

My bond with my children is much stronger than with any of my parents--adopted or biological. That doesn't mean I don't care about my parents. I'm just more bonded to my children. The first time I saw a blood relative was the day I gave birth.

That said, of all my parental role models, the person I am most bonded with out of all of my parental figures is my adopted paternal grandmother. (She's no longer living.) She lost her parents when she was young. She had 2 sisters, but neither of them had children. She had one child--my adopted father. He had no biological children. When I was little, I was her family, and she was mine. We never talked about adoption. Although she was 72 when I was born, she raised me while my parents worked. She taught me to cook and sew. She taught me the family genealogy as if it were history class. She told me all the pioneer stories her grandfather told her. (She lived with him after her parents died.) I loved my grandmother absolutely unconditionally, and out of all of my parental figures, she is the one that I would choose over anyone else in the whole world.

Ironically, it was this grandmother's people who migrated from Germany in the early 18th century to Pennsylvania then across the midwest lock-stepped with my natural father's mother's family. I have biological ancestors and adopted ancestors buried in the same tiny, forgotten pioneer cemeteries. So I don't know. Maybe our bond did have something to do with nature as well as nurture.

sunny

But you don't have biological children--so you can't compare that angle.

Also, I think a "bond" is easy, if you will, because of their DEPENDENCE on you for food, shelter, well, everything.

I think the "bond" or lack thereof becomes more profound as we get older, and become our real, completely formed selves.

It's so obvious as we age, the differences in families, bio and adoptive. While I share a history with my adoptive family, I have nothing in common with them. My interests, traits, habits, hobbies, etc. are all right in line with my natural family.

Maybe the 'bond' for us adopted people is stronger because we have been 'blindfolded' our whole lives, therefore our bonding 'sense' is stronger.

monkeykitty83

You know, whenever people on this site talk about feeling a primal or spiritual bond to their mothers... I feel guilty.

I don't feel that. I love my mother very much, and I respect her as a person. She was a great parent to me as a child, and continues to be a strong positive influence in my life... but we're just so different. I don't feel the same deeper-than-words connection to my mother that adoptees here report feeling toward their natural mothers. (I also don't look like either of my parents at all-- I'm not sure how genetics managed to create me with light hair, blue eyes, pale skin, and totally different facial features. People tend to assume I'm adopted because of how different I look, so I'm not sure how much visible genetic mirroring I have going on either.)

But I'm not adopted. And I feel like a horrible person for not feeling that primal bond to my mother. I'm her only child, so I feel like I denied her having that in her life, because there's apparently something wrong with me. I love her, and I could not ask for a better mother-- but we're definitely separate people, and have been since I was an infant and they couldn't figure out how to get me to eat.

Reading this site has provoked a lot of guilt in me about this subject, and I'm considering counseling. I don't know why I don't have the "right" kind of bond with my mother, even though she gave birth to me. I don't feel that primal connection-- and in fact she baffles me more than anyone else on the planet a lot of the time.

So looping back to the topic of the question... perhaps it's a more individual thing? Perhaps people feel different kinds of bond based on personalities, as well?

Gaia Raain

I don't think it was meant to compare. I think the point was that no matter how close you get with someone, there is only ONE other person on the entire planet that you, at one point, shared a body with at the same time (excluding multiple births, of course). That particular experience cannot be replicated, replaced, done-over, or discounted. That is not to say that different people have the same FEELINGS about that bond (I mean, I'm not all that fond of the woman I grew inside of, but she sure is fond of the whipping post she brought into the world...yippee!). But the bond itself, the actual occurrence of the shared-body, shared-spirit, shared-life, ONLY happens between those two people. No matter how you FEEL about that, no matter how you categorize it or explain it, or even if you dismiss it...it simply IS.

ETA: I realized that I completely excluded men in this answer. Oops. But I do think there is a very similar bond with fathers as there is with mothers - without the shared-body experience. NO other father created you, but yours. No other father shares your DNA, etc. And so, you cannot have that same bond with another father. It's just not possible. There is a connection that you have with ONLY the people who created you, and the people you created. And even though I've tried, I'm pretty sure that experience is impossible to explain.

Independ"ant"

I think as adults we tend to believe what we want to believe to justify our wants, needs, and desires. Sometimes it good and other times its unhealthy.

I would always put a child before any adult....related or not. Does it have anything to do with biological vs. non biological or parental/child bonds/attachments?. I don't think so. I consider it more about "responsibility" than anything.

I don't think anything can be compared to a natural mother/childs or child/natural mothers bond. They are natural, raw and altruistic bonds that unfortunately at times have been interfered with or affected by external factors.

I'm not a mother nor adoptee.

RPMR

You are right! They cannot be compared. There is no greater love than a mother's love! I mean children will love their parents... Off course! But a mother will nurture her child, will love it and raise it. Will be up all night and cool them down, will look at their faces in the morning and feel butterflies in her stomach! To a mother the most important thing in the world is the well being of her children! A child will grow up to form his/her own family and that is when the mother can be more of a friend and a counselor to her child. She has kind of been there and done that! It doesn't mean that her love for her child (adult) will diminish... It only means that her child needs her in a different way now! Once your children grow up you don't have to take care of them. You can be there and help them in whatever they need need though... For a child a mother is just that! A grown child, with a loving mother, will know where home is at all times, will know that mom will always be there. And that is such a good feeling! But now they have children of their own, and their children is their priority! And the cycle begins again! I have a bio and an adopted child and I do not feel like hugging one anymore than I do the other in the morning! They are both so precious and loved. I am so sorry for those whose story was not like that. But please do stop generalizing the whole "mixing bio and adoptive children" thing. For you don't know me and you don't know every adoptive parents' heart condition. The same way you ask not be generalized as adoptees I do ask that you do not generalize me as an adoptive and bio mom! It is OK to share your personal experience. But do not assume that every situation is the same . OK?

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

No. I don't think it is. It is comparing apples to oranges.

I feel the strongest bond with my mother, who happens to have given birth to me AND raised me. I can't right now imagine being closer to anyone, but I know when I have children (which will be adopted) I will love them in a completely different way than I love my mother. It's a completely different relationship! On one hand you are depending on this person for everything. They guide you and tell you what to do your whole life (yes, even when you're 28 LOL) On the OTHER hand, these little people depend on YOU for everything. You must guide THEM. See, it's a completely different relationship.

LOL.. I'm imagining putting a two year old cat in the same room as her 4 year old biological mother and her dependent kittens and seeing who she has a stronger bond with LOL.... Okay.. I'm not trying to compare animals with people.. the thought just came to me..LOl.. forgive me, I've always been an "animal person"

Anyway, it's a completely different relationship. I believe the maternal instinct... the instinct to "mother" can and DOES go beyond DNA. If the maternal bond was solely dependent on DNA, then I would have no maternal instinct, no desire to be a mother, as my DNA is defective, leaving me infertile.

On another note, my sister-in-law feels a much stronger bond with her children, shoot, even her husband's (and MY) mother, than her own mother.

So, to answer your question, No.. I do not think the two relationships can be compared. I don't think comparing the bond they have with their biological child, with the bond they have with their adoptive mother, is accurate, or a good argument for "DNA conquers all."

And from my experience knowing adoptees, for every adoptee that says they are so much closer to their firstmom than their Amom, have so much in common, nothing in common with their afamily, you will find an adoptee that feels the exact opposite.

Just my thoughts.

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