Is it possible for an open adoption to be completely positive for the triad?

magic pointe shoes

Nope, because societal stigma still exists and someone would dump on all the people involved, parents, adoptee, etc...

Plus, biological physical loss still exists for both child and mother when separated.

To be honest, the whole if I'm the bestest parent and it will erase all loss or sadness really bothers me. It sets the child up for being a problem to be solved instead of a human being that is who they are, and it sets up the parents for perfectionism failure. I don't think that is a healthy goal at all.

Mei-Ling

What would be completely successful is that a child should never end up being a "bridge" between two sets of parents.

Just because a child doesn't feel like they lost anything doesn't mean the loss didn't happen.

MamaKate

Dear Kristy,

IMO, the only way that would happen is if the two sets of parents can act, at all times, only in the best interest of the child. I would imagine a co- or shared parenting arrangement would be the only way that could happen. Both set of parents would have to work together, communicate, compromise and actually share the joys and responsibilities of raising the child. (And to be blunt, most people are too possessive to be able to do that.) I think it is a shame that people assume it only takes one or two people to raise a child - the kids are the ones who lose out.

sunny

Not for the adoptee, I can assure you.

Could you have a "completely positive" open marriage with your husband and another woman?

'Nuff said.

Felicita1

No. The child will likely always feel that they were not good enough to keep.

Especially if the mother has given birth to children already or gives birth to more later on, thus proving that she is indeed 'capable' and not unfit.

(Assuming it's "voluntary surrender" we're talking about and not an apprehension due to child abuse.)

Plus, what about the consequences to the natural mother? If the child is in a "good adoption" but the mother is destroyed, then is the adoption positive?

On another note, I dispute the existence of an adoption "triad". There are 4 parties: mother, child, people adopting, and the broker. The 4th party (adoption agency, social worker, adoption lawyer etc.) is the party who has the financial interest in seeing the adoption take place. It is seldom "non-profit." And in most cases, the mother is still coerced by this "broker" entity (although many adoptive parents are "cutting out the middle man" by finding and working on pregnant women on their own -- hence many "open adoption" strategies to get moms to surrender whereas otherwise they would not).

kateiskate

I don't think anything can ever be a completely successful experience. Especially not as it relates to adoption. There are too many complex psychological issues relating to not being able to bond with your biological mom that I believe very few (if any) first moms and adoptees escape completely unscathed. I honestly believe each and every one of us has scars of some sort because of the loss attached to it.

opedial

In fact many custom adoption with Inuit cultures work this way, and that works okay if the mentality is it takes a village to raise a child. But in our "southern" western way of thinking, we have laws and invariably a sense of "ownership" of the child.

I think the way we practice adoption is imperfect, but open adoption is the best thing we have.

But instead of the first mother and adoptive mother working together, why would you not have the first mother raise the child with community supports? That is the completely positive outcome.

PhilM

What does eliminating the sense of loss accomplish? The child still will have lost, even if he or she doesn't feel it?

You could brainwash the child, and that would accomplish what you want, but why should we think that solves the problem?

Why can't we simply acknowledge that adoption is imperfect?

Serenity71

Kristy,

I live in the real world. To say its all going to be easy and positive like a talk show would indicate would as bad as saying PAP's live in fairyland or think adoption is rainbows and puppies. I don't think you can take away all the emotions involved simply through contact between the families. And adoptive mums and birth mums are humans, if they connect that's great if not at least they can focus on the needs of their child.

It will help however with things like understanding and indenity. Openness in adoption is a state at least.

Edit; Magic shoes..."It sets the child up for being a problem to be solved instead of a human being that is who they are, and it sets up the parents for perfectionism failure. I don't think that is a healthy goal at all."

When I read that my jaw dropped when I read that because I said that same thing to social worker (Who has never been a parent or fostered a child in her life..) in adoptions once that tried to spin politically correct lines about open adoption and to me once that told me my child won't feel a loss because of open adoption and if we just be sheep and follow everything they say it will all be rosy... DOCS don't like it when you disagree with them. But seriously they have the text book version of open adoption. We're the ones living it!

Dan B.

good question, i dont think so, just to hard for the adoptee

Neil

I suppose it's possible, but unlikely.

Think about this: How many things in life are ever 100% positive for everyone involved? Marriage? Generally no. Birth? No. Death? No. Divorce? No. Potty training? No. And so on.

Can the various people involved in an adoption (or whatever) work together to help make it as positive as possible? Yes. Will they? I dunno. Will it make everything rosy if they do? Probably not. But probably better if they do than if they don't

mummyx4

Uhm, yea what makes u think it can't? We are doing it now.

gibberish

ANY adoption can be positive for EVERYONE!! Some adoptees are perfectly fine as are some birth mothers who glow in the knowledge that they have provided a wonderful life for another.

Mystical

I hope so.

brazenangel3

Completely! I recently went through an adoption seminar for part of my nursing education and it informed that open adoption if fastecoming the best option for many families. For it to work though, both the biological and adoptive parents need to fully understand what an open adoption means. If everyone involved is open to the situation it can easily be the most positive possibility for the child.

Closed and semi-open adoptions might be better for certain families though, it is important to do the research to find which is best for everyone involved. My adoption was a close adoption and I spending numerous hours trying to find information on my biological parents. . . it would have been so much easier if my parents had just gone open adoption!! ^_^

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