Is it really the popular opinion that... ?

twinsmama06

I have had some harsh answers here as well, but I think you have to remember that a lot of people have been hurt by the adoption industry and lies by scared adoptive parents. So, a little understanding goes a long way when people are angry about adoption. There are also a lot people answering here that don't understand (because they have no personal involvement) and just spout off opinions like telling adoptees they should feel lucky that they were picked by their parents. What kind of crap is that to say!!!

I was very surprised by how many people are anti adoption as well, but I also know that not all agencies are created equal. Once I asked, "can anyone say anything positive about adoption?" And there were so many negative angry answers I couldn't believe it. It scares me for the future and I hope that my kids are ok when they grow up and understand it all. I like to hear all the stories though to learn from them.

Anyway, You sound like a very grounded and wonderful person. I have become very close with my babies' birth mother as well and she visits to play with the babies. It is a wonderful relationship and I hope it lasts.

I wonder if you have a future of helping other birth mothers and/or adoptees deal with their adoptions.

Lori A

They are thinking for them selves. There are actually areas that some had not considered and when brought to light for them they are simply acknowledging the fact that they had not considered that before.

Like I never thought about the medical issues that could have come up for my daughter after surrendering her. Or the fact that she will never see an original birth certificate. That her ancestry is none of her business.

Adoption is not all bad. But it is not the wonderful sappy crap that agencies and lawyers feed some first mothers to get their children from them to sell them to someone else.

Coercion is alive and well. Abandonment and attachment issues are part of the program. Adoption starts with loss.

Is it all bad ? No, there will always be a need for adoption. But the way adoptees and first parents are treated is a shame in most cases.

Some people simply had not been exposed to all the aspects of adoption and there is nothing wrong with learning from the people who lived it as opposed to those who make a living off of it.

aloha.girl59

I think the *popular* opinion is still that adoption is all sunshine and rainbows. But when you REALLY think about it -- leaving out your personal feelings and just looking at adoption objectively -- you realize that the only ones who really WIN in adoption are the adoptive parents. I know a bit about this because I am an adoptive parent. I wanted to be a mom and now I am one: ding ding ding! Winner! Did my son 'win' when he was adopted? Yes, but at a cost. He had to lose before he could win. He had to lose his first mother, his history, his family culture, his siblings. His first mother lost her baby. There is no compensation for that. The child she carried for nine months and gave birth to is not in her life. That's a loss, no matter who you are or how you want to look at it.

So, coming from someone who benefitted from adoption (and I hope Magic Pointe Shoes forgives me for borrowing her phrase here), adoption is NOT all rainbows and unicorn farts.

Possum

Lovely that you think that giving up your child to adoption was the right thing to do.

Good for you.

Your child might have other ideas though.
But she will probably never tell you the truth - as she'll obviously get shouted down by your "Rainbows and Sunshine" attitude.
Way to go in allowing her to feel whatever she wants to feel!

No child wants to be given away.
No child.
They'll believe what the parents put into their heads (it was the best thing - blah blah blah) - but every child has a built in sense of wanting to be with the woman that gave birth to them.
No matter what you believe.
It's how brains are wired.
So - if it doesn't HAVE to happen - NO CHILD should be separated from their mother.

You can shout as loud as you like that it's all fine for you.
But don't use your logic to help separate more mothers and children - if it absolutely doesn't need to happen.
That would be a very cruel thing to do.

I know literally hundreds of both adoptees and first mothers that have lived with a great deal of pain from being separated.
How on earth you could condone such practices - makes me shake my head!

JMHO.

Mei-Ling

"It seems like a lot of people here are birthmothers or adoptees who have had a bad adoption."

This is the common misconception that really pisses me off.

Translation: "You had a bad experience so I will just dismiss you as bitter/angry/mentally ill/malajusted so I don't have to read or listen to anything you say!"

What does having a bad childhood have to do with anything? (Not that I had one, but no one will believe me on here, so moot point.) I could have the happiest family in the world and STILL MISS MY ORIGINAL FAMILY.

I gained a language. I lost a language. I gained a heritage. I lost my original heritage. I gained a family. I lost a family.

For each gain, there is a loss. It isn't that the gain is bad. It's that sometimes I would have preferred the gain WITHOUT THE LOSS. Is that so hard to understand?

In its entirely, for the children who really do need loving homes, adoption is not an evil thing. But in a lot of cases nowadays, adoption becomes a lot more about the adoptive parents' wants than the child's needs. Yes, the child's needs are considered. But judging by these statements:

1. I cannot have children of "my own" so I am looking into adoption. (all about the PAP. I'm not saying this to attack anyone, this is how it is perceived from some of these adoptee's viewpoints. If the woman was fertile, she would conceive, NOT adopt. Because that's "the norm" in society.)

2. What do you mean, where is his "real" mother? I AM THE REAL MOTHER. (All about the AP's insecurity and fears.)

3. Sure she lost her original culture, BUT she's American now and THIS is the family she has! (Dismissing the original heritage and culture of the child to make SURE the child fits in "better")

Can you see how they are perceived as being about the adoptive parents rather than about the child?

ETA: Kai: That's the second time you've missed my point.

"Who is keeping you from learning whatever language you want to learn?"

My point is not that I can't learn a language - but that I will never EVER be able to learn the language as a native speaker because that was a loss when I was separated as an infant. It takes a LIFETIME to master a second language, and I do not have that. Why should I have to struggle so hard for something I would have had naturally? You tell me that.

Yes, I have resources. Yes, I can get things translated. Yes, I can "learn" culture from a book. Learning it NOW does not make up for the years of loss that I could have learnt it if I had stayed in my birth country.

ETA: "I seldom encounter anyone with less than enthusiastic feelings about adoption"

And why would they claim they are anti-adoption in Real Life? No one would listen to them.

Not Adopted

It is certainly popular opinion that adoption is AWESOME and that women just LOVE giving up their babies.

Endure pregnancy for 9 months, labor, and VOILA - give birth and give the baby to somone else, it's so much fun!

Just wait till your baby starts calling YOU "mommy" - that wonderful, perfect couple will cut you out of the picture in a New York minute.

That's the reality of open adoption - "open" rarely lasts.

magic pointe shoes

Oh yes. Adoption is unicorn farts and rainbows! Except that adoption is really strange and mournful.

Also, regarding your additional details, it's nice to think that you can help with talking with her, but the only person you can control is you. Your daughter will have a mind of her own and may not feel the rainbow and unicorn fart love. She may feel complicated and confused.

myst1998

I wish it WAS the popular opinion but sadly as adoption still exists, it isn't popular enough.

The fact there are people fighting against adoption proves that people can think for themselves; the brainwashing and pro adoption propaganda obviously hasn't worked on them. Its like most horrific things in the world; most people chose not to see them as bad or awful until they are banished and it DOES become popular opinion.

Hopefully enough free thinking people won't buy into the crap of the likes of Juno etc and adoption will eventually be replaced with something that actually cares about the child and their origins.

ETA: "Pro-adoption - who refuses to band-wagon up" This is a perfect example of someone who is happy to go with the society dictated view aka popular view that adoption is all happy and 'wonderful'. Not hard when the rest of society pushes it and there is so much pro-adoption propaganda swilling around the place.

BPD Wife

Not everyone agrees that adoption is a bad thing. For us, we believe that adoption saved our son's life. He was neglected and abused prior to and immediately following birth. Because of his life-threatening medical condition, continued neglect most probably would have killed him. Even his biological grandparents agree that adoption was the best thing that could have happened for him.

However, our case is unique. There are some people out there who have every right to believe adoption is a bad thing - because it may have been in their case. When adoption is not about the needs of the child, then adoption can have horrible consequences for everyone involved.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that every adoption is as unique as the people involved. What may be good for one person may not be good for another. People need to realize and understand that all situations are different and everyone's opinions will be based on their personal situations.

Rowan

i do not believe adoption is a horrible thing. I myself am adopted, and have had a great life. However, it seems others don't feel thesame way i do. Some have just not had happy experiences, whether it was ending up with people who abused them, or just alway feeling out of place. I really can't speak for them. Each individual's situation is different. I do agree the system in some areas needs work. Also, foreign adoption. that whole area gets me.

BLW_KAM

Have you ever noticed how many of us talk about our children and the challenges they faced before we met them? There are APs here on YA who are raising children with FAS, RAD, abuse or neglect histories, drug exposure, and other heart-wrenching conditions. Those parents didn't look for the "perfect healthy white infant" I keep reading about. Thumbs down all you want, but having the warmth in your heart to adopt, love, and embrace a child who has special needs, is a wonderful thing.

Is baby stealing wonderful? No. Is coercion wonderful? No. Is taking advantage of women is a tough situation wonderful? No. Are sealed records wonderful? No.

Are wonderful things happening in many adoptive families this very instant? You better believe it!

on the edge

it's not my opinion

Amanda

It's mostly because there are very few pro-adoption people that actually stick around. They get badgered by the anti-adoption people and don't come back. So yes, the majority of the people here are indeed anti-adoption.

Angela R

No, I don't think it's the popular opinion, however there is a group of people who do feel that way that frequently visit this site, and are very vocal with their views.

They do of course have a right to their opinions, but many others are turned off from regularly participating on in this section because of it, so you'll find more negetive opinions of adoption on here then you would if you were to ask a random sampling people walking down the steet, or even of people involve in some way with adoption.

r s

it is what most of the people here think

most people in the world just don't care either way...

There are actually happy adoptive families that don't live in the RAD world or attachment therapy world at all..

There are happy people who were adopted and don't spend their time on the internet complaining about it.

There are birth mothers who are happy they placed their child for adoption and did not kill the baby (get an abortion) and they don't spend their time one the web either

most of the world does not care...

There are a lot of bad things going on in public USA foster care, the adoption industry, and lies told to biological moms, etc... in most states it does end up being up to the parents (adoptive parents) if contact is maintained

there are a lot of people adopting for bad reasons and not treating their children right

there are a lot of drug babies being adopted without any access to help for these children

there are a lot of cons out there making up treatment programs that have hurt and killed foster and adopted children...

most of the world just does not care...

http://childtorture.wordpress.com/

http://www.advocatesforchildrenintherapy.org/

Randy B

Nothing in life is perfect and it's always a trade off when things change. If you move homes, you get the fireplace you want but maybe the garage is smaller. You change jobs and maybe you get more pay but now the responsibilities are heavier. You get married and (hopefully) you have your perfect life partner but now you may lose some of the individuality you used to enjoy.

I'm of the mind that in most cases adoption is a good thing. Children without homes and loving families now have one and loving parents now have children.

Are all cases like that? No, of course not, nothing is perfect. Do the children lose their birth families? Yes they do and in many cases, especially if the child comes from foster care, thats a good thing when compared to their previous situations. There isn't enough space here to cover off the pluses and minuses of all of the other issues as well.

Do children feel that loss of birth families? In many cases they do and in many cases they don't. It's all individual, in much the same way that their adoption experience is individual.

By in large though I think adoption is a good thing. It's the fact that its needed at all which is not so good.

âœ§ â“â“˜â“›â“¨ â™¥ kaelers, emy & bella

Adoption isn't sunshine and puppies; but it's not a bad thing, either. What it is is a system in place for when the ideal situation (natural parents in a stable environment raising their own children) has failed - whether before birth, at birth, or later in life. It's a reality and it has to be dealt with as one, so instead of crucifying parents who want to adopt, you ought to focus on teaching natural parents how to parent, and preventing unwanted pregnancies. Until those problems are solved, adoption is a necessary system. Get over it. Have you ever heard someone say, "You can't complain until you do something about it?" Yeah, that. If you don't have any realistic solutions, stop whining.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart. It's not all sunshine for the adoptive parents either.

I was adopted at age 11, and I think there's good and bad with it; and it's on a largely individual basis. My experience was WONDERFUL, and I couldn't have better godparents, but I do know that others have problems with it, and of course it's very difficult on many birth mothers.

People will jump on bandwagons about just about anything. They're weak minded. They attract to negativity like flies to horse manure.

Everyone's very quick to criticize, but have a hard time seeing the positives, even when they're apparent.

And no, it's not popular opinion - YA is not a random sampling of society for the most part; there's a lot of negative people who just have an agenda.
I've seen more negativity toward adoption in a few days here than I have in the 10 years that I've been an adopted child; in school, in jobs, and socializing with people of all ages and walks of life, I seldom encounter anyone with less than enthusiastic feelings about adoption
.
There's a couple people on here hell-bent on being negative, but they are NOT the majority.

Kai

I think that adoption is generally a good practice, but nothing is ever perfect. There are bad and good adoptions. It seems like a lot of people here are birthmothers or adoptees who have had a bad adoption. Their situations are the only ones they know so they view adoption as being bad. Do I think adoption is perfect? No, I think there can be changes done to the process so that we watch who is adopting and explain to birthmothers what could happen to their children.

Adoption was good for me because without it I would be dead and I came from one of the families with drugs and abuse. So, personally I think adoptions are good. Remember that most of the time, the people with good adoptions have no reason to talk about their adoptions because they were positive. I am interested in genealogy because I think it is interesting to know your heritage and where your ancestors came from and even my friends who are not adopted are interested in it too. My birthparents wrote down that they did not know what they were, so I have no idea. Knowing them won't help that.

The fact is there are good adoptions, there are bad adoptions. There are birthmothers that love their kids and give them up and there are some that give up because they don't love their kids. There are adoptees who have bad adoptions and others who don't. There are adopting parents who are abusive and those that are not. We are supposed to be able to sum up adoption as all positive or all negative, but something like adoption is never black and white. But, adoption CAN be wonderful.

*Edit to Mei-Ling: I feel that all the people on here will not listen to those that have a good adoption. You all won't listen to those that have a good adoption and instead say "look at us we are what adoption is really like...it is never good". It seems like anyone that comes on here asking a question will think adoption is the worst thing ever. Who is keeping you from learning whatever language you want to learn? You can always learn your heritage if you want that. If your adopted parents are stopping you then that is their problem.
People will consider their real parents do be different people. I consider my adopted parents as my real parents. I have a friend who is not adopted, but was raised by her grandparents and to her those are her real parents.
Also, don't say "adoptee's point of view". I am an adoptee and I don't share that point of view. How would you explain people who can give birth, but want to adopt? Or those that give birth and adopt?*

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