Is it true that kids have a 'natural bond' with their biological mothers?

My friend directed me to sign up for Yahoo!Answers and said I might get some helpful answers so here it goes. I'm not able to carry children of my own due to medical issues so my husband and I adopted a girl when she was only a few days old. The three of us are really happy and I treat her as my own because that what she is, isn't it? Anyways, a couple of weeks ago, my dear child's biological 'mother' showed up. I don't even want to call her the mother of my child but at the moment I don't know how else to refer to her. My daughter is now 14, turning 15 in 2 months time. Her biological bearer requested to see her and I refused. I mean, who does she think she is????!!!!! She hurled all sorts of insults at me and said that she'd drag me and my husband to court because she is the - I quote - 'true mother' of MY child. Honestly I swear if that b**ch lays so much as a fingernail on MY daughter I will shake the life out of her - and I made the mistake of actually telling her that. Sure, I was not the one who carried her for 9 months and then gave birth to her - but she better not tell me that I am not the 'true mother' of my daughter because what the heck I was there for EVERYTHING else. I was the one who stood up a 'million' times to warm her a bottle in the middle of the night when she was an infant. I was the one who endured all her tantrums and all the other fits children have these days. I was the one who held her when she cried or shared her happiness when she laughed. All that are ups and downs of motherhood and I would not exchange a moment of it. How DARE she tell me that my daughter belongs to her!
Anyways, do you really think she can drag me to court about this? Does she even have anything to stand on? I mean, she was the one who had given her child away and I went through the legal procedures of adopting her. Do you think I should contact my lawyer just in case? I'm awfully emotional and feel like crying constantly and I don't know why cause it's not like anything has happened yet. Am I going crazy? Should I tell my daughter about this or will it cause more harm than good? I have heard that kids seem to have this 'natural bond' to their biological mother and it starts while the child is in the mother's womb. Is this true? I have never experienced it so I wouldn't know. If it is, will my daughter just 'bond naturally' with her biological bearer? I'm so scared - I do not want to loose my innocent baby girl. Any advice?
Additional Details
Excuse me? I am just upset and I thought every mother would react this way. Can you guys be that heartless and may I not express my emotions any way I like without being called a troll? Please - answers 6 and 7 - just get a life. It seems as if everyone on here is called a troll whenever they decide to add a bit of detail???!!!!!!

myst1998

Yes, of course they have a natural bond with their bological mothers... it is a physical bond that was created for survival's sake and it stays regardless of what anyone else thinks. This has been studied and researched for years and found to be true.

I cannot get over how heartless you are towards this woman who bore a child that you ended up with. Seriously, you should be thanking her and kissing her feet because if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't have a child at all. She is still her daughter's mother; you both are although right now your actions are less motherly and more psychopathic and selfish.

You should let mother and daughter get to know each other. If you truly loved that girl you call daughter, then you wouldn't have a problem with it but from what I gather in your words you are more concerned with yourself than the girl you call daughter. Grow up and get to know the mother of your daughter. She only went off at you because of the way you are treating her, what else could you expect her to do? Think of all the things you have been able to do with her daughter and wonder how she must have felt all those years never being able to do that for her child? That someone else was in her place, mothering her baby. You may have physically been there all those years but she has been there in the emotional way more than you will ever know.

aloha.girl59

This just REEKS of troll. Some of the phrases you've used:
*I treat her as my own bcause that's what she is, isn't it?
*I mean, who does she think she is?
*...lays so much as a fingernail on MY daughter...
*Sure, I was not the one who carried her for 9 months and then gave birth to her...

It sounds like you're trying a little too hard to convince us that you're an AP. I don't buy it for a second. But I'll answer your "question" for the edification of the idiots who've answered you so far.

YES, children bond with their mothers in utero. Haven't you ever seen a movie or a picture of a newly born infant nestling on its mother's chest and rooting for her breast? A fetus can hear its mother's heartbeat and voice and knows her scent before it is even born. The child you are raising DID bond with her biological mother prior to birth. Sorry if the truth hurts, but it's the TRUTH.

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkids is engagedâ™¥â™¥

Her "biological bearer"? Seriously? You need therapy, throw some in for your daughter while you're at it, she's gonna need it.

LinnyG

Yes it is true. You said so yourself- you have never experienced it, so you wouldn't know. ALL babies have a bond with their first Mothers. It is scientific, medical fact. That bond cannot be duplicated by a stranger. Will adoptees bond with their ap's? Of course...but it will NEVER be in the same way as if you had given birth to her. Thats impossible.

That being said, I am adopted. I have 4 "REAL" parents. I have 4 "TRUE" parents. I dont "belong" to anyone. I am a human being. If you truly love your daughter, you will allow her to spend time with her first Mom. If not, she'll just resent you later. She will do it anyway when she is 18, though.

But I agree with "alohagirl". There are a lot of trolls here tonight....and I smell it here, too.

Pip

I wasn't in my son's life for 23 years but we have a natural bond, can't "speak" for anybody else only my own experience. As you stated you've never experienced it so you wont understand that bond.

"Her biological bearer requested to see her and I refused. I mean, who does she think she is????!!!!!" - your daaughter's mother was wrong to talk to you the way she did but you are equally wrong to refer to her as a biological bearer as it is offensive as you're reducing her to a simple act of bearing a child. She is a human being not a machine with real feelings and real emotions.

You chose to adopt so you should have always been aware that one day there might be contact with the natural family. You will always be your child's mother but you need to accept that she has two sets of parents and it is her choice whether she wants contact in the future. Be supportive of your daughter and she will love you more for it, be unsupportive and there will come a time she will resent you.

kidmindi

Yes, kids DO bond with their natural mothers while they are in the womb. That bond never goes away. Adopted kids have 4 parents.

Have you talked to your daughter? How does she feel about meting her biological mother?

I am both an adoptee and an adoptive mom. Because I know how I felt as an adoptee, I am making sure to sure to keep my daughter's biological mom in her life.

A kid can love 2 moms...Yes you are her mother, but so is her bio mom. A kid can never have too many ppl who love them, and your daughter will not stop loving you because she meets her bio mom.

Maybe you can step back and start over with her bio mom. Meet her on nuetral territory, say for coffee and talk. Get to know her. You might be surprised to find you have some things in common.

If your daughter wants to meet her, perhaps you guys can someday work out a meeting in a public place.

By sharing your daughter with her bio mom, you are not losing her, but you may be giving her a gift she is afraid to ask for.

Vanessa

As a first mother, I got your b****.

And to answer your question, YES, a MOTHER AN CHILD do have a bond that can never be broken. Sorry that makes you so insane with jealously. It is people like you who reiterate why adoption is so wrong. The entitlement and ownership you have over something that is not really yours is appalling and disgusting.

Get over it, lady.

Crystal

Look not all children have that "bond" with their biological parents.
I wasn't adopted but fostered and was taken away from my 15 year old parents because of my father. (my father is in prison and is in there until he dies; mind you he's been in there since he was 17)
I had to see my mother on a regular basis (they call it access visits) She would always get upset and take it out on my because she didn't think that i was bonding with her. In my eyes how could i connect to someone i wasn't raised by.

I didn't have a natural connection like she wanted. I had a lot of hatred towards her... and my father for what they did/didn't do.

I think you have every right to be upset. She gave her child up so someone else can give her child the things she couldn't. They way she is acting is like how my mother acts. Swears and blames everyone else but herself for her decision of giving up her rights of being a mother.

This woman can't expect to pick up where she left off. That's not how it goes. My biological mother still tries to contact me. I keep in contact with my half brother who lives with her but i would never want to talk to her. I tried a few years ago but she just proved to me how much of a pathetic excuse of a mother she really is. She still has the mind set of a 15 year old and she is 38 now (and i'm 23)

I think you should tell your daughter where she comes from... tell her that that lady gave birth to her but gave her to you and that you are and always will be her mommy.
Just because someone gave birth to a child doesn't make them a parent.
I think it's all up to your daughter whether she wants to have a connection with this woman... but i would tread carefully.

i wouldn't go calling lawyers yet unless she does it first. Don't give her a reason to fight... stay calm and stand your ground. You are your daughters mother. You raised her, that woman just carried her for you... it doesn't make her a mom.
A mom is someone who takes care of the child, shows them love, teaches them how to live in the world etc...

good luck...

Vanessa

OMG this is the worst of the worst.

Heather

No. Not all children have "natural bonds" to their biological mothers. Of course some kids spend their whole lives wondering if their adopted, but it's different for everyone.
The wisest and most gracious choice would be for you to ask your daughter. Ask her if she wants to meet her and don't get angry if she does. You are her true mother, I won't argue with that, and a true mother would love her daughter enough to let her make her own decisions. It won't make her love you less or anything of the sort. The best thing for you to do is to tell her right away, without waiting, so that she has no suspicions of you keeping this from her. If she knew you were keeping her from meeting her biological mother, she could possibly be upset.
So be kind and welcome your daughter's biological mother into you house. I know it sounds cheesy and could well piss you off just thinking about it, but it's the best way to go.
Good luck!

Nimi

Wow, what a lot for you and your family to go through.
Firstly, YOU are your daughter's mother - don't let anyone tell you otherwiseâ™¥

I personally don't think that there is a bond with a stranger, because that is who the bio mother is. Yes, in the womb the baby can hear the mother's voice, and becomes familiar in that way - I would presume that at birth there would be a natural bond/recognition - but not now. No way. Plus, isn't it is natural to bond with someone who has loved and nurtured you for the past 14 years?

I don't know the legal status, but as long as the adoption is legal, I don't think there is much that the bio mom can do until your daughter is an adult and chooses her own path. Your daughter will probably be curiose about her roots - from what I understand this is pretty normal. When she is an adult the time may come where she wants to look things up. At that time you can choose to be involved in the process or not.
The bio mom probably has a lot of emotion and "what if's " in her life. She had some pretty emotional threats, but I doubt that there is much that she can do.

You don't need to be afraid that your daughter will replace you. You don't need to feel insecure. You love each other!
Good luck Mommaâ™¥

Old

No, children grow a bond with who they spend time with. The younger they are, the faster they bond to the person they spend the most time with.

Good Guy

Kids have a bond with whoever they spend most time with. They can't have a bond with their biological parents if they were never around.

WDYB

What in the hell is wrong with you people? THIS woman raised this child since birth. SHE is her mother. NO ONE ELSE IS.

OP that woman has absolutely no leg to stand on. She proved that she couldn't take care of YOUR daughter the minute she signed her over to you. And she comes back when she is FOURTEEN years old and thinks that she has some right to her? L M F A O. She has zero, I repeat zero, right to her. Let her take you to court. Nothing is going to come of it. It's not like she abandoned her in foster care and now wants the foster parents to give her back. She legally made YOU the mother of your child, she has no more rights to her now than any random stranger walking down the street.

Yes, babies do have a natural bond to their birth parents. It's slightly inevitable. But that doesn't mean that your daughter is going to have more emotion or more love or more anything for this woman than she does for you. She might be curious about her. She might wonder who the woman is that gave birth to her and then gave her to you. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with her being curious, and if she ever does become curious I hope that you will support her in that. But I agree with the decision you are making now. That is your right as a _parent_. Wait until your daughter expresses interest in reconnecting with her birth mom and then go from there. But this woman seems immature and irrational, she is the one that made the choice to give her child away. It seems like it would do more harm than good to let them meet right now. Good luck, and don't listen to these crazy people. So many of the people on here seem so hormonal and bitter at the world. ;]

Oh and LOL to the people who think they know more than the person studying psych for 7 years. Lmao. It's common sense that the child is going to have MORE of a bond with their real mom than the birth mom. Yes, there will probably always be a bond there with the birth mom but I doubt it will ever be as strong as with the woman that raised him/her.

Marissa

Ur right this woman has no write ur her mother don't let that lady in!!

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