Is it true that "open adoption" agreements aren't enforceable?

julie j

Hi Erica,

Yes, Can you believe that's true? Not only are so-called "open adoptions" completely unenforceable, the majority of adoptions that were promised to be open ones turn into closed ones shortly after the adoption is finalized. This is also one of those things that agencies will not tell expectant mothers before an adoption. This should be required notification for all expectant mothers considering adoption.

You ask why would adoptive parents do this? Unfortunately, some, not all, realize their odds of being picked for a newborn baby increase if they agree to open adoptions. Some are even advised by agencies or attorneys to agree to open adoption even if they have no intention of honoring it later.

Many natural mothers are heart-broken when contact is cut off. They fear they might never see their child again or that their child will even know of them. They worry about the child's well-being. They are at the mercy of the adoptive parents, although I hear that one state does enforce these agreements.

It is generally recognized that it is in the child's best interest to have an open adoption. It is ethically wrong to close an agreement because that is the only tie the child has to his/her heritage. Closing an adoption deprives a child of knowledge and contact with their relatives, and basic parts of their identity. It can cause issues later for adoptees that any adult adoptee would be happy to share with you. Unless the child is in physical danger from his/her family, it is wrong to deny them contact as agreed upon.

Adoptive parents who truly want what is best for the child accept that the child does have two families and they respect agreements made. Thank you for asking so we can get the message out there to help encourage adoptive families to honor those commitments made for the benefit of the child.

Edit to add:

In cases where a family has no choice but to move, that does not require a closed adoption. Divorced parents living apart can still manage involvement in each other's lives if both are committed for the best interests of the child, and so can adoptive families. Phone calls, letters, and visits can still be arranged. It is obvious if an adoptive family moves without notice, changes their phone number, etc. that the spirit of the open agreement is being violated.

In cases where the child is truly in danger, then that should be legally documented to avoid fraudulent reasons of severing ties unnecessarily.

julie j
reunited adoptee

SudsMuffin

Yes I have heard that too, about the adoptive parents shutting out the biological ones. I can't imagine that it would be enforceable either. As a parent, you have to decide on what is best for your family and child, and it's unfortunate that some adoptive parents take the shutting out route.

We have a daughter whom we adopted at birth. She is now 10 years old and she sees her bio mother frequently and knows (and has always known) exactly who she is. She gives her school pictures, cards and gifts at Christmas, she even got a phone call wishing her a happy 10th birthday the other day. We don't mind her being a part of her life. She knows who her other sibblings are too. Her older brother even came to her birthday outing. It's all good.

I think that some adoptive parents choose the shutting out route, not because they want to be bad people or go back on their word. I truly think it's done out of fear, out of not knowing what will happen, will the biological mother regret her decision, try to take the child, etc.

PhilM

It's true.

I'm sure there are many reasons. Some may believe it's best on the child. Some may have a change in life situations (and not want to forgo that change to honor the agreement). Some may find it too difficult emotionally. I don't think many of these reasons are good ones, but I'm sure there are situations where it becomes necessary. But I'm equally sure it's far fewer than actually close.

While it's true that it's not legally enforceable, it sounds like you would treat it as such, and I think that's a good thing.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

most adoptive parents just want the baby. not it's mother.

Gershom

You know whats even sadder imo, is the adoptive parents who claim that they chose "international adoption" so they didn't have any "birth mama drama"

It true, everyone else before me has said it clear. They're not enforceable.

To be fair, surrendering parents walk away all the time too, not just the AP's. Too painful to see their child being raised by someone else ( which I understand ) I just wish the adoptees were put first for ONCE.

TotalRecipeHound

It's true. It's the 'tell them whatever will get you the child' and then do what you want after the ink is dried. I admire adoptive parents who make an effort to keep to their full-faith agreement, but they are clearly not the norm. You'd be surprised how many a-parents immediately move out of state once the adoption is finalized, leaving no forwarding address. I am specifically talking about BABIES, not older children.

opedial

It is awful that people renege on these agreements. The only two reasons that can occur that I believe are why open adoptions aren't enforceable:

1. If the parents are laid off from employment and can only obtain employment in same field out of state. If there was an open agreement that had say monthly visits, this woudl be near impossible to do. So the agreemnet may be reduced etc.

2. And most important, if there are safety and concern issues with the bio parents. If say they started using drugs or were manipulating child or other, then I would put boundaries on the open agreement. I am NOT saying all bio parents would do this, but especially when adopting from foster care, there is that chance that the parents may not be healthy. So it is a parent (adoptive parents) right to decide what is best for their child. If reversed and adoptive parents are in any way abusive bio parents had better be calling their locals Child Welfare office!

This being said if one of the two conditions are not going on, then is is unethical to break that agreement.

There are also cases where bio parents may break agreements as well.

Mom to Foster Children

It's sad and true. While keeping the bio parents a part of the picture (as you put it) sometimes this is not in the best interest of the child. We wanted to do an open adoption with our childs parents, but they just wouldn't stay clean. We + case managers decided that this would not be in the best interest of our little one at least not at this point in time. I do have contact names + numbers so that maybe one day when he is a little older maybe we can work something out.

Herbie

Hey, ok. I am a birthmother, and I still have contact with my daughter and her parents. I live in Michigan, and they live in the US Virgin islands. We lost touch for a year or so, but that's because we're both procrastinators. lol. She's 8 now, and I still see her three times a year.
both parties have to keep in touch, or have a person in common to reach the other when things go awry.

HappyMomAnna

The sad truth is that most of these agreements are NOT enforceable and many adoptive parents make the agreement and then fail to keep it... Which to me is Fraud, unless for some reason the biological family was unsafe or a safety risk.

In some cases for example babies and children adopted from foster care the biological parents or families are not safe for the child. But, in some states the Adoptive Parents might have a Mediated Agreement with the grandparents or other family members who were not able to adopt--or care for the child but, still wanted to keep contact. I have several friends who have mediated agreements with grandparents and Aunts and Uncles of children they adopted.

Personally, I would love nothing more then to have some biological family members my children could know or at least know about and have pictures... The sad part for my kids is that no one in their biological family was interested in even knowing who they were.... So, we just look and check geneology and other records to try and build their biological family tree....

But their grandmother and aunts and uncles said they didn't want to know anything about their mothers children and to me that is very sad they didn't so anything to their family and they are rejected for what their mother did... :(

Other families I know that have adopted foster children have searched and found family and made contact with them... to learn more about their own family history and roots.... So far I can't find anything for my children.

mommy2squee

It's true that open adoptions are not enforceable. It's NOT true that "Most" parents subsequently close the adoptions. Those are just the stories we hear the most about.

It's wrong. If you adopt you are making a promise, and breaking that promise is wrong for you, your child and his mother.

Adoptions are subsequently closed for a variety of reasons. When we adopted, we told his mother that the only reason we would close the adoption was if she did something totally out of character, like becoming an addict, or marrying an abusive spouse. She hasn't done anything stupid like that, and is still a part of our lives.

I personally would like to see openness agreements made enforceable in every state of the union. I'd like to see them made with minimum contact (pictures and letters) in mind, and made flexible, open to mediation, and the law made with teeth enough to keep parents from just blowing it off. It should bind BOTH parties to that minimum contact, because for every "Aparents closed the adoption " story that I hear, I hear a "birthmother didn't bother to come to visitation" story as well.

The OTHER Boelyn Chic

When you adopt a child you are looking to adopt a child, not the bio parents or relatives. I see nothing wrong with sending photos to the bios or even yearly updates but more than that is to much IMO. The child needs one set of parents not two or more. How confusing would that be??
That is why people want to adopt internationally. So they don't have to deal with the bios. Can't say I blame them.

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