Is it worse being raised by abusive bio-parents or abusive adoptive parents after being taken from the bios?

Gaia Raain

I was abused by my natural parents. It was an absolutely soul-crushing experience. It would have been far, far worse having lost those people (MY people, my family) and then had strangers abusing me. When I was a kid, nobody wanted me. Why add more people who don't want me? Why add more people to whom I'm just a piece of dirt to be kicked around?

The only saving grace would have been the knowledge that I wasn't related to these [insert favorite curse word here]. I wished I was adopted when I was a kid, just so that I could KNOW that I wasn't related to these horrible people. That way, I could understand how they could treat their child that way.

I'd rather be with my own people. Even though they were abusive, they "got" me. I was able to share a love of music and a wicked sense of humor with my dad, and a crafty streak with my mom. To live with strangers with whom I have nothing in common, on top of those strangers abusing me...I can't even imagine. I'm glad my situation wasn't complicated by adding in abusive strangers.

There are major differences between adoptive families and biologically related families. The longer we ignore those differences, and the more kids who's feelings we minimize, the more kids will end up in unnecessary situations that only harm them. I had a horrific childhood. I sure am glad that it wasn't made worse.

Disclaimer: I'm sure I would have been better off having been removed at a young age and placed with a NON-abusive family with extensive knowledge of adoption loss issues and FASD, among other things. But to take me away from people I loved (even in an unhealthy way) and placed with strangers who then continued to abuse me, would have just added insult to injury. The ideal situation, however, would have been if my OWN parents had gotten counseling and stopped abusing me.

Kim

Well, if there's going to be abuse either way, then there's absolutely no point of adding an additional stress/trauma of moving the child from one family to another.

However, I'm hesitant to label staying with the bios "better" because it's still a terrible situation. All children deserve to be raised in a non-abusive environment.

IceBreaker27

Well, from a numerical point of view I would say the abusive adoptive parents. Why? The child was (1) taken from the abusive bio-parents, and (2) abused again. In both situation, the child was with people who were supposed to protect them - twice.

However, life is not math. "Worse" is subjective, and depends on such factors as (1) type of abuse, (2) degree of abuse, (3) effect of abuse, (4) child's ability to cope with abuse and (5) whether any type of support services are available.

ALL abuse is "worse."

Shelby

Of course any abuse is bad and the ideal is that no child should be abused period.

However to answer this question, I think it is worst to be abused by adoptive parents.

Some bio-parents do not intentionally have children, accidents happen and sometimes it turns out that they are not cut out to be parents and some end up abusing their children. I'm not saying they are not wrong for doing so, I am just saying they probably had no desire to become parents in the first place and is suddenly faced with this child they created and don't know what to do with. It's not like they decided "oh lets have a baby so we can abuse it".

But adoptive parents on the other hand, want desperately to become parents. They are screened for their suitability to become parents and committed themselves to raising and loving the children that is going to enter their lives. Then to turn around and abuse these children, it is unforgivable. An AP's role is to provide their children with everything a child deserves, love, safety, trust, food and shelter. APs know what is expected of them when they decide to adopt and when they do not live up to this expectation, then they need the full force of the law coming down on them, much harsher than for bio-parents in my opinion.

Kazi

Abusers are monsters, plain and simple and will never get any sympathy or understanding from me.

Children should be removed from abusive biological parents. Children should be removed from abusive adoptive parents.

Children should NEVER be left with absuive parents. Period.

There is no worse. There is no better than.

Except to be with non-absuive parents.

monkeykitty83

A child raised by abusive biological parents won't have the additional struggle of being removed and having to adjust to a new home. Children who are adopted have to deal with those issues. So the problem would be compounded in an abusive adoptive home, in a way it wouldn't with biological parents.

That said, I am NOT saying children should be left in an abusive biological home. All abuse is horrible, and it should NEVER be accepted as the status quo.

I think the focus needs to be on abuse prevention, both in the biological home (by providing counseling, parenting classes, drug rehab, etc.) and in the adoptive home (with careful screening, training, and followups from social workers.)

I don't think the fact a child might be abused either place is an argument against ALL adoptive placements-- just that placements need to be evaluated and monitored carefully, to make sure they aren't abusive.

Santa's Lil' Helper

Looney I totally get your question.

I was raised by verbally and physically abusive bio parents who had a substance abuse problem....I am pretty p'od!

That said there have been some adoptees on her that were raised by abusive adoptive parents and they are p'od!

We could battle it out who is more p'od but what it comes down to is ANY child who is abused gets the short end of the stick. I know I deserved better and I know they did too.

Deep

abusive adoptive parents because then its the second set of parent to not care

Phoenix

Obviously all abuse is bad, but kids are usually adopted in the theory that being adopted will give them a better life than they would have had if they weren't adopted, so I think abusive adoptive parents are worse, especially if the bio parents wouldn't have been abusive at all.

BOTZ

I've been watching this question (and the answers) with interest. I have only been abused by an adoptive parent. NONE of my kept bio siblings has ever been abused BY ANYONE.

So...what that means is: I was removed (yes, she relinquished...no, it was not without coercion...blah blah blah) from a NON-ABUSIVE parent and put with AN ABUSIVE one. One who was more "worthy" because this one [ap] was married, had a home, purported to have more money (which lasted...oh, about 6 months), and had "a stable, loving, Christian family to offer". UGH!

The thing I find most conspicuously absent from all the answers -- including from abused adoptees -- is that if we are making like-to-like comparisons AS THE ORIGINAL QUESTION SUGGESTS, nobody has mentioned that fact that an abused adoptee is less likely to be believed if they report the abuse (She lies. I don't know what her problem is...it's probably because she's adopted. *WE* raised her better than that.) and more likely to be blamed (She doesn't appreciate how much better her life is. She was never able to bond with us. She's just refused to attach...no matter what *WE* do to try...to help...*WE* give her everything.).

Just thought I'd throw that in...since it seems to be missing.

Obviously, that makes it MUCH worse to be abused (like-to-like) by adoptive parents because there's far less hope for resolution.

Randy B

I think it's worse being brought up by any sort of abusive parents, adoptive or biological. It makes no difference, abuse is wrong.

Independ"ant"

Without getting into the blame game and looking at it from a societal viewpoint.....I would say Adoptive just because giving birth cannot be regulated nor screened.

Potential abusive adoptive parents can be....if the time and process isn't taken lightly, like it is today.

rosieposiepocket

The ppl who say it doesn't matter obviously have never been through it. IT does matter. I was severly abused by my bio family...only to be taken away and put in foster home after foster home that was just as abusive.....then adopted by abusive ppl. My bio family did abuse me, but I believe it was due to the unstability of my mother's drug habits. She did love me and was very sorry when she managed to be sober. The others that were not my bio family: they couldn't care less and showed NO love. The ppl that adopted me told me I was a peice of **** just like my mother and would end up just like her....then they disowned me for getting preggo when I was 18. How do you think a child feels to be taken from the only "family" they know to have that done to them? And by the way....the ppl that adopted me have adopted 3 other children since and given 2 of them back to the state. I bet that felt great! "We'll love you forever as our own!" yeah right! i feel soooo bad for those 2 kids.

LaraSue

Isn't that kind of like asking if you would rather be shot or stabbed?

HappyMomAnna

As an adoptive parent of children who were taken away (and one who remembers it happening) I am upset that my children were abused prenatally and my daughter was abused and neglected to a point she and her brother had to be taken away....

As an Adoptive Parent I am HORRIFIED and DISGUSTED when I learn an adoptive parent has abused a child... The fact is in this case that child would have been abused twice and to me that is something I could never forgive.... Adoptive Parents who abuse should die in prison.

.....when a child is taken from a biological parent due to abuse it's usually a lot worse then most of us can really imagine... I have listened to the real stories from my daughter's own heart and could not even imagine what being abused by me would do to her.... I feel horrible when I say, something snarky to her and can't imagine how I could ever treat her in any way other then a beautiful person and little girl who was hurt and needs to learn how to trust again From Me.....

sunny

The latter.

I was raised by abusive aparents.

GodBlessAmerica

I would think both is bad but it is worse when it's your flesh and blood not to mention your parents doing the abuse. If you can't trust your parents who can you trust? So if this happened to someone there is a HUGE chance they will never trust anyone. How sad.

Serenity71

Being raised by ANYONE abusive is bad.

AdoreHim

Both are evil.

LisaHW

It probably depends on who is the most abusive (and I'm not trying to be funny there; I just think that may be the only way to measure what's worse).

As an adoptive mother I made a vow to myself and my son that I would be the most loving mother anyone could be. They say a lot of adoptive parents feel they have an extra responsibility since they "sign on" to be a child's mother. Then again, as the biological mother of two of my children, it's clear that bringing children into the world warrants the same kind of vow.

Cool Hal

Your question reads is it worse to be shot in the head and die or shot in the heart and die.

The result is the same - what a weird question

Carnie C

so which one is the lesser of two evils -- is that your question?

an evil is still an evil regardless if it's aparents or bparents. this question has no answer other than that.

ETA: i can't believe the thumbs down on answers stating abuse is abuse regardless of who does it. Is the mind so locked shut against adoption that people actually believe it's acceptable as long as the kids are with their natural parents?

doktorangbaliw

Abuse is abuse is abuse. No two ways about it. It doesn't matter if it was the biological parents or the adoptive ones who are doing it. The child should be taken away from either pair and given to a couple or a person who will love and care for the child the way she/he deserves to be loved and cared for.

Seattle_sounders_fan

I have a mom who calls me bad names. But my 2nd (adoptive mom)
is really cool.

irishofficer1964

what type abuse it is horrible to be abused ! just wondering was it not allowing to go to mall or had to do chores or was it physical,and/or mentally abusive! Physical abuse is easier to prove then get help to get away from!

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