Is it wrong to expect this?

C Wood

You and your husband should sit down for a quiet family visit with his mother. Let your husband do the talking. You just be there as his support and so you know what all is said, since you will be raising this adopted child with him.

Your husband needs to tell his mother that after 6 years of trying to have a baby without success, he's decided to have one by adoption and he needs her to support him by accepting and treating his adopted child the same as she does all her blood grandchildren.

Some basics he can tell her include:

Mom, I love you to death, and I know how much you love me.

After much soul searching, adoption is how I have chosen to have children.

I need you to love my children as much as you love all your grandchildren.

My children will need you as a caring, loving grandmother the same as all your other grandchildren need you.

If you cannot find it in your heart to treat my children the same as all your other grandchildren, it will bring me tremendous sorrow as my children are a part of me because I choose them to be mine.

If you treat my children different from your other grandchildren, your actions will tell all the family that they are unloved by you, and I do not want you seen this way.

I have tried to have children the way you want, mom, but God has other plans for me and my wife. We have accepted this and we need you to accept this. After we adopt, if God wills it, we might be blessed with a birth child of our own, and we would want you to treat all our children the same, and love them all the same, no matter how we receive these children.

================
You are not wrong.
She should treat all her grandchildren the same.
BUT it's your husband's job to tell her this, not yours.

You can add that, because of your deep love for her son, you support his decision and it is a joint decision.

Before you sit down with her, tell your husband that you understand how hard it is for her to accept an adopted grandchild, but that this is HER problem and you know you cannot force her to change. If she does NOT change, tell him you will love her as much as before, because you know this unhealthy attitude is her problem, and she has a right to choose to deal or not deal with her own problems. Tell him that, if she chooses to not change, you and he will have to work out a plan to make sure your child is not harmed by her inability to give him/her the love every grandchild deserves as her grandchild.
cw

mommy2squee

I was your child. My grandmother hated the idea that her son was adopting, and even though they named me for her, she never treated me the same as her precious grandsons (my cousins).

If you do adopt, please cut contact with this woman. Better your child not have a grandmother at all, than to have one who treats her as "less than."

Randy B

I think it is SO wrong of her to make such a differentiation about the children. I have three children. My oldest is 15 and adopted, my middle is 13 and she was born to my wife and I and my youngest is only 2 months and she is adopted also. Both sets of grandparents have been nothing but 100% head over heals in love with all of my children and have never made a difference between them. From the moment these children can to live in my home they were my children and as such became their grandchildren.

I don't really know how you should approach this because I don't know what your relationship is or how far away she lives from you. If it was me though I would just make it clear that that the child is mine, is loved unquestioningly and completely and that you expect her to be the same. If she can't the perhaps in the child's interest I would limit contact so that the child doesn't get the wrong impression. Of course, that would mean she loses contact with me as well but my child's mental health is more important.

1tocomesoon

I think that you need to be honest with your mother in law. I do think that she should be able to accept the child as hers (ebause it will be!!) but she still might not. Also I am not sure how your husband feels but you might ask him to be the one to talk with her depending on his and his mother's relationship.

brookieboo

it is not wrong at all for you to expect this... its her loss if she is going to be so close minded...

Santa's Lil' Helper

My dd is the favorite grandchild and my mother in-law has five biological grandchildren. She is an amazing grandmother and never treated dd different from the other kids. My brother-in-law married a woman with two daughters from a previous marriage. My mother-in-law also treats them just like the other kids.

Shame on this woman!!! She may come around after you adopt in the mean time do not share nay details with her and NEVER ask her to babysit. Let her come around. And she doesn't then cut her out of your life. I made it very clear what I expected of the people in my family.

tickled blue

My in-laws have been horriffic throughout the entire process.....first, you haven't brought the child home yet.....keep your options open, b/c their hearts may change the feelings in their head after meeting the child....
However, it is wrong to ever treat one of your children different from the other/s. They may absolutely hate the idea of adoption and may not like your child...but expressing that in any way--verbal or nonverbal--is unacceptable....
In that instance, I would limit visits with all of your children....as it would be completely unfair to have your adopted child suffer at home without loving grandparents while the 'real' children got that love/acceptance. Ultimately, it isn't about the inlaws or you and your husband...but about this child. Their needs, physical and emotional safety are your priority. If the inlaws can't deal with it for any reason, I wouldn't have much to do with the inlaws....their loss.

Proud

Yes, she should accept your child just as she accepts all other grandchildren. You can't change her though, so don't waste your time trying to convince her otherwise. Hopefully, once you adopt a beautiful child, she'll learn to love him/her just as she loves her other grandchildren. If she openly refers to the child as being different or not as special, then I wouldn't allow her to be part of his/her life at all. Its horrible that some people are so closed minded.

Warrior Mom

Wow, doesn't sound like the kind of grandmother I would want for my children anyway, but you have what you have. Does she have other grandchildren who are biological?

Your decision whether or not to adopt isn't up to "grandmother". I do understand your concern, though. You would want your child to have the benefit of having a loving grandmother. You also want to keep in mind that all adoptees FEEL adopted anyway, no matter what. My daughter has been totally loved and adored by everyone in our extended family since the day she walked into our home and hearts. Yet, she FEELS adopted every day of her life.
I can only imagine how an adoptee would feel if his/her own grandmother was not loving and accepting. My best advice is to try foster care and see how things go.

Brown Eyed Beauty

This is absolutely not wrong of you to expect this!

Every child (biological or adopted) deserves to be loved and accepted! Just keep in mind that some people will always try to bring you down...don't let them deter you from getting a child and loving it *** if it is your own! Adoption is a wonderful gift...to both the recieving parents and the child.

Good Luck!!

Luci C

Hi, I'm an adoptive mom as well as a biological mom--my adopted daughter is 6 and my bio daughter is 3 1/2. I'd say you are perfectly within your rights expecting your MIL to accept any child in your family as a grandchild, adopted or not. Adoption is not a less-than option...if he/she is your child, then they are your son or daughter and should have the same love, affection, etc. as any other child you might have biologically.

I really feel for you. The process of adopting is long and nervewracking, and I can't imagine having gone through it without the support of both of our sets of parents.

The thing you probably should consider making the most clear to your in-laws is that you are first and foremost a mom, and that you are your child's advocate. If they treat the kid as less-than, then you probably won't be seeing them as often as they would like. I can't imagine that your husband would be happy seeing his child treated badly; maybe he should be the one to address his folks. Just a thought.

Kudos to you guys for adopting. Every child deserves parents who will love, provide for and protect them. Wish you all the best, and hope this turns out well. Just remember, it's their problem, not yours. Ultimately you have to look out for your child's best interests.

jaymeeeeeee

She should treat the child exactly the same! Children don't belong to you because they have your blood, they belong to you because you had an input in raising them and you contributed to their personality and demeanour and intelligence. She should love the child just as much. It needs her love and acceptance more than the others, probably.

Liza

It is not wrong to expect this. It might be unrealistic, however, to expect your in-laws to be on board with this right away. It would be wonderful if they could share your excitement, but if that's not possible, then carry on and take whatever support they give and enjoy it.

Don't let your expectations of what "should" be get in the way of appreciating whatever they are able to provide in this way. If you feel the need to really talk this out, then your husband needs to take the lead in this conversation, since it is his mother...

You may be surprised at her actions once you have your child. She may warm up more than you thought. But even if she doesn't, accept whatever she gives in any form. Throw out your expectations and you won't be disappointed. This will also set a good example for your child.

Freckle Face

No it is not wrong to expect this, DEMAND it!

We warned all of our families before we adopted if they did not love our child as their grandchild, it was nice knowing ya. You love and accept our whole family or you will get none of us. No exceptions, No half-ways, No faking it. You do or you don't, and for once this answer was a black or white answer.

I'm pretty blunt, its part of my charm:) You could soften it, but i would worry they would only hear what they want to hear. Oh trust me it sparked lots of family discussions. We faced them and answered all of their questions and remained firm. Oh, they got it.

Not one family member has ever i mean ever, treated our adopted children any different than any bio child in their family. Stand firm, Stand strong. Have a united front between you and hubby. They will fall in love with your child. I think a lot of this from your m-i-l is fear based.

Best of luck to you:)

jen48220

Unfortunately, you can't expect them to accept your adopted child, but you can hope that they will. She may just be disappointed that you won't be giving her biological grandchildren and is being rather socially inept in her thoughtless sharing of her feelings.

There is nothing you can do about your in-laws attitude. Either they will come around or they won't, and you will step up if they are treated unfairly by them. Good luck finding your child! :)

finlyngrace

First of all, congratulations on adopting! Second, that child is yours and she should welcome him or her as if it were her own. My husband and I each have a child from a previous relationship and each respective in law treats them as if they were their own. If she can't respect the fact that you have so much love in your heart you want a baby so badly you are willing to give a child who may not have the opportunity for love like that otherwise then she doesn't need to be around any of you. I wouldn't just cut her off though, if it turns out to be an issue (ie if the other grandchildren are treated better or get the best Christmas presents or whatever) then kindly tell her that this is your child and you want what is best for him/her. If that means not having a grandparent around then so be it. She may then realize that this new little person is a part of you and therefore a part of her family sh might just come around. Good luck and congrats again!

Kassy

I would expect that if my husband's mother really, truly loved him, she would love what makes him happy. Other people are always out of our control, though, and it doesn't so much matter what people *should* do, if they aren't going to do it.

You have to think about what you DO have control of. You are in charge of who has access to your children. It may be that once you have your child home, grandma will come around. She may not. You and your husband have to decide now what you would do in that case. For me, I would never attend a family function if my child was going to feel slighted in the tiniest way. So if my parents had given us trouble, we would've been spending our holidays elsewhere and skipping family reunions.

If you feel like you are meant to have children by adopting through foster care, then pursue it.

My husband and I were under a lot of pressure from his parents to 'carry on the family name'. I felt like a prize cow, brought in do the dirty work. (We've still never told them that it's my husband who can't have children. ) Anyway, they LOVE the children we adopted who may or may not carry on the family name (we think they'll take their real last names back when they're older, because they have beautiful names and ours... isn't).

Erin L

Well, you can't tell her how to feel, but you can tell her how you expect her to behave around your child if she wishes to be in your lives. Many times grandparents are uneducated and scared and are attempting to dissuade their child from adopting, but then they find themselves in love with their grandchild once he or she is in their life. You can't count on that happening, though. If it doesn't, you need to be prepared to cut them out of your life if they can't treat him or her the same as every other family member. It would be unfair to bring a child into a family in which he or she isn't accepted. This is a tough situation and I always hate to hear of people facing this. Good Luck!

â™¥NYmommyâ™¥

your mother in law is wrong. its sad that people feel the way your mother in law does. sad for the child. every child deserves love.
your mother in law is the problem, not you and it would be in best intrest of the child if you would keep him/her away from your mother in law. maybe she will change after she sees the child but you never know.

limendoz

You can't command her to be a specific kind of grandmother-even if it was her biological grandchild.

It's an unfortunate situation, knowing that your child will grow up feeling like he's not part of the family and that he's not valued as much as the other grandchildren. You might talk to a counselor before adopting and get some professional thoughts on how this shoudl be handles.

serenityw2004

You can't make her accept it. It seems to be something she just doesn't like and you can't change that. It's a shame and I'm sorry. Don't let her ruin this experience for you. I'd sit her down and calmly tell her that you tried to have your own baby, it didn't work, and you want to adopt. You could tell her it's her choice what relationship she has with this child. She may grow to love him just like her own. I think it will all be ok.

Crucio

No it is not wrong to expect this. Though you canâ€™t force people to feel a certain way or not feel a certain way. How often do you see his mother? The reason I ask is because kids know when they are being treated differently then others. Think of what it would do to your child to see grandma treating his cousins differently then him.

If you see your MIL quite often Iâ€™d question if adoption is the right thing to do, it doesnâ€™t seem like it would be fair to the child. Unless you and husband are willing to make sacrifices i.e. less contact with his mother. How does your family feel about it? Perhaps the child would have one good grandmother. I have said it before there are often always elderly people in the community who are willing to be surrogate grandparent(s) to a child.

People shouldnâ€™t favor any child or grandchild sadly it happens, and itâ€™s not always a case of favoring the biological ones over the adopted ones. I knew a man who favored one of his grandsons over the other; neither boy was even biological related to him. He was their step-grandfather. He just didnâ€™t like the 2nd boys father, did not feel his step-daughter should have gotten pregnant again. I also read of a case on family board of a woman whose MIL favored her other grandchildren over this womanâ€™s kids, and they were biological her grandchildren too.

Who knows once you get your child she may have a change of heart but she may not.

It will be very important that you surrounded your child with a lot of loving family, yours hopefully, maybe other people in your husbands family. Friends and honorary family.

hlopez82

i think once the child is in your life, your mother-in-law will fall in love with the child. no one can deny a child. they have a way of drawing us in and we end up loving them even if they are not our biological child. i think she will be a grandma to te child as soon as she sees that you ad your husband trat and love the child like your own.

Torrejon

I think you're going to have to explain to her what it is you expect. She either complies or has very little contact...or at least that is how I would do it. If she really loves her son, she will love the child he loves.

Bouvier

This is obviously "her issue", and and uneducated one at that. Would she be up for reading some books? One is called "Adoption is a Family Affair", has some good pointers for situations like this.

If not, you can only support your child and hope that your in laws will come around. If they do not, shame on them, and what a beautiful life experience they will have missed out on.

If they continue with that attitude, you may want to be careful of your child around them as well. Especially if they are vocal with their current opinions.

xo_crystal_xo

Deffinitly not wrong of you to want them to be treated and be part of the fmaily. That is why you are adopting the child right, to make a your family bigger. I know first hand how this situation can be hurtfull and frustrating. I was adopted by my parents when I was 13, and my grandparents treated me like crap for a while. ( until my dad freaked on them) Simple little things like after dinner he would say " make the non biologial child clean up all the mess" or made plans to have pictures dones of the grand kids but once I got there I wasnt allowed in the pictures. Its very hurtfull when all you want is a family to love and to love you back. Please dont let the grandparents treat this child like crap.
Its you & ur husbands life if you want to adopt them by all means go ahead, unfortuantly if they cant accept that then I wouldnt involve them in things.
Id make a date and time to sit down and talk to them about it. let them know that you do want ur own child one day but its not happening now for whatever reason and you wish to start a family. Explai how much it means to you for them to accept this child. and hopefully after they see you two with the child and how happy you are to be parents then they will accept it. Dont let them stop you from giving a child a great life!!! Im sure you will be awesome parents.!!
good luck!

T V

I understand how you feel. I too have been thru so much fertility and shots and miscarriage, and so on and so on, Im almost numb from the heart ache.

I am also in fear of my inlaws and adopting. When we have been at family functions my inlaws refer to one of my husbands cousins as the adopted daughter.

I was adopted... I have felt the rejection from my grandparents and I have had so much fear that my child (if we adopted) would feel the same hurt as I felt growing up, but I now know its ignorance, and terribly mean what I went thru.

I dont have a real chance at having biological children, which is very hard in itself.

The only thing I can say is pray about, ask God for the words to say to them (your inlaws) and remember YOU would be the parents of this special child. Its very sad for them that they will miss out on a special part of your childs life, BUT they may come around!!!!!! I believe in my heart my inlaws will get past their (sorry to say "ignorance") but I feel they will!

Your inlaws may too. Be strong, you sound like you have a wonderful husband, and you will have beautiful children, whether they are blood or not.

Stay true to your heart, and ask God for guidance in your words, its always been the only thing that has helped me. God Bless!!
ps sorry I wrote so much

â™¥áƒ¦â™¥ Finally Got My Miracle â™¥áƒ¦â™¥

I think that your mother in law is rude. I understand the stress and disappointment of not being able to have your own children. My husband and I have been TTC for 2 and half years. We also started looking into adoption. I honestly dont think you need to explain yourself anymore to her. Your husband and you know that your doing the right thing. When it comes down to it all the op ions that matter is your husbands and yours. I wish you the best of luck. God bless.

Kelly

Agh! I can completely sympathize with you. We have been trying for 4 going on 5 years with no luck. I am very ready to adopt to start our family but I know my MIL doesnt think we should and wont look at the child as a grandchild. It makes me so angry especially when she says " Why dont you want children of your own?" If one more person says that to me after all the grief and pain I have been through trying to have a child.... ugh I cant even say what I will do.

Once we adopt I will give her a chance but if she doesnt treat him the same as her other grandchildren then we will not be around her anymore. I know my parents will be more than supportive and loving.

BPD Wife

We were worried about the same issue with my in-laws. However, once our son came home, he had them wrapped around his little fingers. We have been lucky that no one in our families have treated our son any differently, other than possibly spoiling him more as he is the youngest of the grandchildren.

You have every right to expect and demand that your in-laws treat this child the same. If they do not, then I would consider removing them from his life if possible.

Has your husband tried to talk to them at all? What about other family members?

Good luck to you.

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