Is one aspect of the adoptee "fog"...?

cruzgirlz3

No, I don't think that has anything to do with it. I have never really felt that I would have had a better life necessarily with my natural family, and I've been happy with the one I've been given. I'm not one to go back and say "what if." My life just is what it is, and I like where I have ended up. I have never felt like my own adoption was a bad thing.

For me, the "adoption fog" has to do with only viewing adoption from the perspective of my parents. For them, adoption was all about what they gained. Adoption is fantastic and was a miraculous answer to their problems. I was taught that I was "chosen" that I was lucky because they "wanted" to be parents and many people who have kids don't. This isn't wrong but it is THEIR perspective and it is only one perspective. This is also the predominate perspective and many adoptees fear talking about anything else (I did).

For me, I do believe a fog was lifted, and pretty recently at that. What it has meant for me is the courage to look at it from the perspective of my natural mother and me, her child. Adoption begins for the mother and baby as a crisis. While the outcome may be good for some children (for some, not all) that does not diminish the pain and loss involved. I have never necessarily felt "pain" as an adoptee, but I have always felt "different" like something was a bit "off." The acknowledgement and affirmation of these feelings has been really liberating. It is that "ah ha" moment when you feel like, 'ok, I'm not crazy after all'. I think coming out of a "fog" just means you see things more clearly, and what one sees is different for each adoptee.

Moose

Every adoptee I've ever heard discussing their own experience in "the fog" was talking about idealizing the experiences they HAD, not the experiences they DIDN'T have. In other words, they were talking about thinking of adoption as sunshine and roses. Coming OUT of the "fog" was when they realized that things may not have been perfect (including their first family). After the fog = reality.

(I agree with those who say that anyone using the term "fog" to speak of others' experiences are using it in a dismissive fashion. I'm only speaking of those who discussed THEIR OWN experiences using the term "fog".)

a healing adoptee

until you walk a mile in an adoptee's shoes i don't think you would understand. sometimes it's not about "oh, bet i would of had a better life,if my natural parent kept me". sometimes we just wonder about that life, who was our mother or our father. do we have brothers or sisters or grandparents? when your son grows up he may wonder about who they are, it does not mean that he feels you didn't give him a better life.

Andraya

Oh sigh, what a dismissive question. I guess we can tell who isn't actually reading what adoptees write, can't we?

Being in the "fog" isn't about where you grew up or who raised you, it is about accepting your own personal sense of loss over your adoption.

How many times do the adoptees here have to bang their heads against the monitor while saying "I love my APs" before people get it. A good portion of us have very few issues with our upbringing, what we have issue with is the way it came about or the injustices done against us simply because we are adopted. Those of us who dislike our APs have damn good reasons for it but for the most part it is still the system we are against.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

imo, it's not at all about a better life, per se.

it's about a person who has been taken from what is technically "normal", and being thrust into what is "abnormal", and denying that it makes any difference.

Mei-Ling

Even when I was just beginning to search (and reunite), before I even realized exactly what I was getting myself into, I never thought about that "other life" as being "better" or "worse."

Just different.

I don't know if it's The Fog - I think that's a term used to demean those who claim that they do not want to search or who have never had an interest in searching.

If someone says they NEVER had any interest whatsoever as a *child* - at all - about who gave birth to them, then that's when I believe they are in denial because who doesn't wonder about why someone would give birth to them and just leave.

But if they're an adult now and they say they have no interest, I just ask why, and then - well - that's their opinion and I respect that. I do not think they are in denial for not having "idealize" what the other life would have been like. :)

monkeykitty83

I dislike the concept and term "adoptee fog" unless someone is using it to refer to their OWN experiences. When applied to someone else, it's a dismissal and invalidation of the person's feelings... implying that anything disagreeing with the speaker must be wrong and deluded. Implying that the speaker holds the monopoly on proper emotional expression.

Just like anyone else, adopted people have the right to their own feelings. Positive, negative, neutral, whatever. Using the term "adoptee fog" to invalidate another person's feelings, experiences, and needs is arrogant and lacks empathy. People are different, and have different emotions-- and we should respect that.

sunny

No, I think that would be far too much analysis from someone who is still 'fogged' in. I think it would be more of the opposite--they believe (based on nothing) that their mother is trash, aparents are saviours/"good people" who saved them from an awful fate.

I don't have a word for what you're describing. But mine was not a belief, it was a realization of what I'd lost. My life would have been better.

My nparents are better educated, healthier (emotionally and physically), and wealthier than the parents I was given to. I was just born in an era where nice, white girls could NOT raise a child without a husband (much less adopt one of another race) and my father balked at settling down at 22. I consider him a victim, too. He was told by his parents and pastor to "finish college", he'd "have other children", etc. Never did either one, but that's part of the LIE.

My parents were stooges in a different era, that's all.

grapesgum

A "belief"? I think an aspect of the fog is the reality that they were taken from parents who were perfectly able to raise them but were victims of a system that profited from the sale of healthy white infants. I feel sorry for adoptees whose mothers were forced by their families to give them away. This is the baby scoop era fog.

I especially feel sorry for adoptees who were taken from their mothers via fraudulent DNA records. When those adoptees come out of their fog and realize that they were bought by people who had enough money to satisfy the corrupt "lawyers" and "judges", there is going to be hell to pay.

Carnie C

the "fog" is a way for some adoptees/nancy verrier to validate themselves. I am an adoptee and I believe that i have every reason to answer this question and every reason to be validated in my answer. My answer/reality is true to me, not just a fog. I am an adoptee who was found and hated to be found. I was happy with my life (even though my parents were dead for 10 years before i was found); I refuse to believe or even entertain the idea that my parents were infertile baby stealers just to fit into the ideal that i'm not in the fog. I prefer to stay in teh fog and live my reality even if it's against what others my think.

My bmom could not raise me and she has listed the reasons -- inablity to mentally handle two kids in diapers, finances, etc. she readily admits that she was not mentally able to raise use both and that if abortion was an option (i was born prior to roe vs. wade) that she would've aborted me.

I was not in a fog before reunion but now, i'm probably more confused than ever. My family tree is my "real" family's tree (that being those who raised me). Their sisters and brothers are my aunts and uncles. now, i have an entirely different set of family that i don't wholly fit into (thtat being my bfamily). Again, it wasn't the play that killed lincoln, it was the shot.

I'm not in a fog because i did not want reunion; i'm not in a fog because i don't believe that every adoptee and bparent needs reunion; i'm not in a fog because i did not have the curiosity so many have. I am in my own reality. It may go against the weather that some people wish (that life is horrible; life is great, whatever) but it is my reality and not your fog.

Nancy verrier is the worst thing that happened to adoptees. That's my reality. She pushes the thought that we're damaged goods and destined for a life of hell. I am not nor was i ever destined for that life. That's my reality which creates her fog of my reality.

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