Is this how you might feel with a reunion?

Today was my birthday and my biological dad called me out of the blue and wanted to see me. I hadn't seen him since December '07 when he told me that there wasn't enough room in my heart for my kids and him. I have never seen him a whole lot, but I imagined that once I was 18, we would be really close because we didn't have to "mind" the custody agreement. But I have been struggling for 11 years to make this happen.

I saw him. My partner and I went to lunch with him and the two youngest babies. He denied that my kids bothered him, but seemed bothered that the babies were there. I kept trying to pin him for future dates that we could get together and he wouldn't agree to see me again, even for Christmas. He bought our breakfast, gave me birthday money and left, saying he had errands to run. And although I turned 29 today, I called my grandma and cried.

Is this what it feels like to have a reunion with first parents? Is this what my kids would go through if I didn't make an effort to keep them connected to their first dad? I just hurt inside.
Additional Details
Oh, my. Yes, I am gay. No, my dad isn't a homophobe. He even attended my wedding, though reluctantly. My mom, who I am closer to, is a homophobe but still manages to love me.

And I don't know what you are talking about with the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Are you saying that I write well? That is how I am going to take it because I can't handle anymore negativity on my birthday.

Felicita1

Much of what i would say has already been written, but one detail that you may want to consider is that if you adopted your children, this could be very triggering for him, as he would feel pain in sympathy for the natural parents of those children. I know that every time I see an adopted child, I feel a stab of pain for what their natural parents must be going thru, and that there is one more family that has been dismembered or a mom forced to surrender her baby (adoption from foster care being different of course, but i know even many children in foster care who are there because of poverty).

Kazi

I'm so sorry your birthday had to be tainted with pain.

As an adoptive mom, I am so afraid of my children facing similar rejection.

But all sadness aside: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

www.LensPainter.com

I'm so sorry how your dad is treating you. Thank you so much for your efforts at keeping your kids connected with their dad because yes, what you're going through now would be what they would have to go through if they got the same responses from their dad.

My parents were divorced when I was 13 and for two years my dad had nothing to do with any of us. It was heartbreaking. I'm 21 now and he's come into our lives a little bit more, but the pain of everything not being as it should never really goes away. Just the other day I heard a lullaby on the radio that he used to sing to me when I was little, and I just sank onto my bed and cried.

I know what you're going through... hang in there... again, keep up the good work with your children and they'll definitely appreciate it when they're older.

snowwillow20

Happy Birthday!

You know some men are just clueless.

Reunion relationships are very fragile. I hope you can make every effort to keep your kids connected to their first family's so they can avoid these unpleasant meetings. Even after 7 years of reunion my daughter and I still have awkward meetings, now my Dad is another long story . I try to be the duitful daughter but it's hard sometimes.

Lori A

Does he have any other children that he has raised? My reunion with my daughter is so different than what yo are experiencing. We did find her father last year and since he is very busy with his business and never married or had any other children, she is getting pretty much the same response with her dad as you. He says he wants the relationship but never calls her any more. I just don't know what to think of it all.

Not all reunions are this way. They are as individual as the people trying to make them happen. Maybe you should meet him alone so the two of you can talk.

Politically Correct

Of course you hurt and it is not always like this. There is a mothering gene and clearly your birth father does not have it.

I had a reunion with my birth parents which was fantastic. I still think about it 25 years later. There are kind, loving and beautiful people in the world.

There are also people who don't know how to love.

Teach your children to love and break the cycle.

Shayla

Lindsey, I am sorry this is happening to you. You have been so kind to me through what I am going through...I wish I could say more to comfort you. Sending hugs your way, okay?

sizesmith

Sometimes, until we've walked in someone else's shoes, we cannot begin to understand their feelings, nor can we not be hurt by their actions.

After talking to my mother-in-law, and the son she placed 48 years ago, they don't know each other. They didn't just "click" the way each thought they might. There is a love, and a mutual respect, but it's not the same as the children she raised afterwards, nor like his relationship with his mother.

Also, since your children are adopted, and he doesn't know them that well (I am assuming), he might not know how to, or he might be overwhelmed with getting to know you again, and with the kids being physically with you, there just isn't a time to talk for just the 2 of you.

I would suggest either meeting together, just the 2 of you, or by e-mailing him, if you can get his e-mail address. Point blank ask him how he feels. You might get the answers you want, or those that you don't want, but hopefully, you can be at peace with what happens. If you don't ask, you might never know how he feels. Many parents who place their children, or fathers who abandon their children, feel a tremendous amount of guilt, mixed with disappointment in themsevles, which seems to be deeper when the child is around.

Good luck in the futures. Communication has to remain open, so keep trying. Only when you find out your answers, or completely get shut out will you truly know in some ways. Give him a chance too. Maybe he's just never grown up.

Sid B

Are you gay or with a person of another ethnic race? your father might be a homophobes or a racist or something.

Where's Fluffy

wow, your story reminds me of the chicken soup books i have to say. I think your dad needs love.

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