Is this normal to feel like this?

[[ Friend's account ]] Heyy there my name is Zarrah. I found out I was adopted at the age of 12/13 and I didn't have much of a problem with it. My father's unknown and my Mum's a street worker. But now aged 19, I've found out that I wasn't born Zarrah, my adoptive parents changed my name. I was actually born Vanessa-Marie.
And although if I'm honest I prefer the name Zarrah I'm so messed up. I just keep going over it in my head the fact I was born Vanessa-Marie. My adoptive parents said they wanted me to have a new start and to some extent i understand that but I didn't realise the anger I'd feel. I love my adoptive parents to bits but I feel like they've stolen my identity. I'm also furious they neglected to tell me they changed my name. Is this right? Should I be feeling like this? I mean it's just a name but now I don't know who I am or where I belong. It's destroying me. I can't get over it. What should I do? Has anyone else had their name changed? I know I'm probably overreacting but I can't help it! Thank you in advance.

100% Englishh

Poor you. I can see why you'd feel the way you do. It was wrong of your parents to wait until you were 12 before they told you that you were adopted and they should have told you they named you when they told you that you were adopted but you can't change that now.
I'd say the best way to get through this is to find out more about yourself and where you come from. What hospital you were born at; When you were put up for adoption; If you have any other brothers or sisters; and although you say your fine with being adopted I think it would help you to know exactly who you are and where you come from. Good Luck sweetheart. xoxoxox PS Zarrah is a beautiful name!!

PhilM

There can be a lot of emotions that get stirred up when things like this happen. I think it's normal. Certainly, I've known enough people who go through it. I love my adoptive family too, they did the best they knew how for me. And it still sometimes gets to me. I've found talking to other adoptees to be helpful.

If you'd like to do that, there's a good forum for adoptees here:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php

Good luck to you.

cantstopLinnyG

Most of our names are changed. Chances are, if they changed your name, AND neglected to tell you your truth until such a late age, your first mom was more than likely NOT a "street worker". Its what the industry and adoptive parents like to tell people to make adoption look prettier.

You're NOT over reacting. Of course they love you, and you love them, but it doesnt change the fact they lied to you.

Jennifer L

Honestly, if I found out what you did, I would be angry, too.

I have always maintained that unless there is a seriously compelling reason otherwise, a child's name and identity should be maintained.

A little bit ago, there was a question about children that had Nazi names, ie: Adolf Hitler Brown, (etc) and whether those names should be changed by an adoptive parent. In that case, yes, I think that qualifies as a compelling reason.

I don't think you're overreacting. I think you are completely justified in your anger. I'd recommend that you discuss this with your parents. You also could change your name, if you wanted, now that you are an adult.

Best of luck to you.

monkeykitty83

When it comes to feelings, there's no "should." You feel the way you feel, and the way you're feeling is understandable.

I have a couple of suggestions:

1.) Talk to your parents about how you feel. You shouldn't have to suffer alone in silence. Getting it out in the open may help.

2.) Talk to a counselor who is understanding of adoption issues. I don't say this to make you feel wrong or weird, but when you say you can't get over it and it's destroying you, that's the time to get therapy. A therapist can help you with coping strategies to deal with this.

3.) If your parents are willing, family therapy. This issue has the potential to divide your family, and it's really important to work on getting to the root of this before that happens. Therapy can provide a safe space and help you communicate.

Your feelings are reasonable and natural, and there's no right or wrong way to feel, anyway. There are things you can do to ease your emotional burden, though, as I suggested above.

fire lilly

i feel for you and i cant even imagine what you must feel like right now but the only advice i have is: 1) remember how much you love your adopted parents and you name 2) remember that a name doesn't define who you are and 3)maybe it is a good idea to get in touch with your biological family just so you know where you come from
i hope that helps a little and good luck!!

cla ro

i think it's normal to feel that way.

so much of the life they knew turns out to be a bit differant from what they thought, and although they might love their life and be happy with how it worked out, there is still that irrational need to be angry about something.

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