Let me re-phrase closed adoption question?

Sweet and Spicy

I think that closed adoption is the best and should be the only. When someone gives up a baby they should be out of there life forever. Good luck and I hope that you get a closed adoption.

PhilM

If you can find a mother willing to do this (or who is being coerced into it), then you can do it. At this point, unless the child is taken away from the mother, it is up to the mother to determine whether she is willing to go through closed adoption. Of course, since open adoption is unenforceable, legally, I suppose you could just lie to the mother and then close it after the adoption is finalized. You seem like you might be open to that.

Just so you know what the affects of closed adoption are on the children, you might want to do some reading:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

ETA: Incorrect. There is NOTHING you can do to make sure that the child and his or her parents never find one another again. The child may search. The parents may search. Reunion can happen without your permission. And if you act this way with a child, it almost certainly will happen without your knowledge.

ETA2: Oh, I see. You weren't actually asking a question. You were trying to make a point. And your point is that you think a child should be denied his or her rights to know their origin because of a choice someone else made. Nice to know you think of children as objects to own, rather than people with rights.

monkeykitty83

Out of curiosity, were you aware that you used the phrase "I want" four times in what your wrote, and referred to what your child might want only once?

Yes, you can request a closed adoption, and you will be matched with an expectant mother who also wants that. It will probably make your wait time much longer as most mothers prefer an open adoption, but there are some who still want it closed. I'd rather see a prospective adoptive parent honestly admit that they want a closed adoption than have them promise an open adoption and then not live up to their word.

That said, a completely closed adoption probably isn't going to be what's best for your child. The level at which you seem totally focused on your own desires worries me. You want a baby, you don't want a foster child, you want a closed adoption... where does the child fit into this? Do the child's needs even matter in this scenario you have?

If you do the research and you honestly conclude a closed adoption is best for your child, I disagree with you, but I would respect your reasoning. As it is, I think you need to become a lot more focused on the needs of your future child before you adopt. Your job as an adoptive parent is to provide a safe and loving home; it is not your child's job to fulfill you.

ETA: Lying to the expectant mother about your desire for openness is highly, highly unethical. Can you imagine how cruel it would be to be promised contact with the child you placed for adoption, only to have even that taken away? If you want a closed adoption, request it; lying to get a baby faster is totally unconscionable.

celtic.piskie

Why not?

Please deal with why you want your child to have nothing to do with their parents.

It's better for the child, or do you not care about that.

Do you want a tiny little baby that you can pass off as your own, never tell them they're adopted, and hope they never ask.

Why do you want something that is deliberatly keeping secrets from your child, have you not seen how much pain people go through after a completely closed adoption?

Why are you so against the foster system as well, ah, I get it. You have to have a baby. Because you don't want one with their own personality, god forbid the baby won't be as ;grateful' or as perfect' as you want.

It should be about the children, not you.

Why would you put children through so much distress?

Answer that before you think of adopting.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Well in that case what I said is even MORE true

"Of course *YOU* want it to be closed. You obviously aren't looking out for the best intrest of the child and therefore you shouldn't adopt. Adoption should not be about *YOU* it should be about the child."

Freckle Face

Our agency would not have accepted you. They only deal with open and semi-open adoptions. Our agency would have referred you to foster care.

As our social worker said, "pap's who will only deal with closed adoptions raise too many red flags."

Heather Leigh

I love how you think it is perfectly OK to lie about having an semi-open adoption just to get your hands on a brand spanken new baby. According to your profile you want to go to medical school. I hope you will be a more ethical Doctor than you would a mother.

I really hope that once you grow up you will see just how wrong this is.

Mei-Ling

"I'll tell them whatever they want to know. I just don't want the birth parents in the picture."

Methinks there's some insecurity up the wazoo. :P

Okay, seriously... you sound like you want the ultimate, infinito control over this child that you don't even have yet. My goodness.

If you're not very accepting of the idea that your-to-be-child will want to search, then I politely suggest that you not adopt - BECAUSE that speaks more about YOUR needs than your CHILD'S needs. And that's not fair to your child.

One of the best things my mom ever said to me was, "Please don't listen to other people who say that your other parents aren't real. They ARE real, and they loved you very much."

You need to realize this will be about the child, and that the birth parents will always at least spiritually (if not physically) be in the picture, whether or not you agree with that. You're adopting someone else's child, that's a fact - of course they'll want to be involved. It would also be their child too. Maybe not legally, but emotionally. They are human too, with feelings and thoughts and emotions.

LaurieDB

When the factor of choice exists, closed adoption is not in the best interests of the child. The whole reason that a child is supposed to be "available for adoption" is that those involved believe it to be in the child's best interests at that time. The adoption itself, therefore, is to be done with the child's best interests in mind, not simply the desires of the adults.

Choosing an adoption that will allow you to keep the facts of the child's origins from him or her is selfish and unethical. Everyone deserves at the very least the truth of his or her own beginnings.

If you are too selfish, lazy or insecure to have a child and his or her first parents know each other -- or simply about each other -- following the adoption, then adoption isn't right for you. Your interests are more about your wants, needs and desires than the child's needs.

Felicita1

But the natural parents are in the picture since day 1 of conception. Adoption is not like having a child of you own. Your child will likely end up having some sort of emotional or social connection at some point in their lives to another set of parents (not former parents or breeding units) who may love that child and welcome that child into their lives for decades hence.

And, reunion can totally negate that ability of yours to limit your child to having contact with only you and your husband (and/or any step-parents who may enter the picture if you get divorced and remarry). And a mother who feels that a "closed adoption" may enable her to forget her child may be in for a very rude awakening later on, and realize the truth that studies have found: that the pain is just as severe and the grief just as unresolvable. It is possible.

It sounds like you want to obtain a child as close as possible to being like a child you gave birth to. Adoption, however, is a recent social and legal construct that cannot promise this to you. There are no guarantees and closed records still have not prevented many natural parents and their lost children from reuniting. The desire to find and reunite with lost family and loved ones is strong.

Again, I adopted back my son even though he had been taken right at birth for adoption. The first time I was able to hug him ever was a day before his 20th birthday. This 20 yr separation has not prevented us from restoring our family once more. Would you be able to accept this scenario should it happen? Could you welcome the fact that your child has another set of parents and treat them like family? If not, then you may want to reconsider adopting.

Joy W

Yes, closed adoption definitely still exists in the U.S.

ladedamom

YES to both adopting an infant from birth and YES to closed adoptions. My son was adopted at birth and it is a closed situation. It wasn't because we weren't willing to keep contact with his first family, it was because THEY did not want contact. We still send pictures in a sealed envelope every month to their attorney who is keeping them for us in case they ever decide they want to change that situation and they can see what a happy, well cared for child that little one turned out to be and how to reach us through email and cell phone.
We adopted independently (private) using a lawyer and social worker rather than an agency or foster care. I'm not sure if that makes a difference or not, but I know people who have used agencies that requested and have had adoptions be closed due to the situations the children were adopted from.
Please really consider your choices though because answering questions about the first parents and family members becomes harder when your child gets older and you don't have that contact. First parents are not the "trash" that everyone thinks they are. My sons first mother (biological) was a very warm and wonderful person. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of her and the wonderful joy she has allowed us to have with our now son.
Talk to your lawyer, agency or the people you are working with that can help you in the area of adoption professionally and don't listen to the "you're a horrible selfish parent if you opt for a closed situation". Just know that if you state that up front with an agency you may be waiting a VERY VERY VERY long time to ever be matched with a situation since most first parents (birth parents) or adoptive hopeful parents choose open or semi open. Learn all your options and really consider them carefully. Adoption can be a scary, wonderful, roller coaster as it is. You could always go semi-open where there is no personal information exchanged and you keep contact through a third party or an email address where you can still keep your privacy and then you can decide over time to keep it as it is or if you are both comfortable opening it up to a phone call now and then or pictures etc... Please don't let fear of "they will take back the baby" dictate your choice. Alot of time they just want to know they made a good choice for their child and that they are really happy and the person they are turning out to be. Open adoptions are NOT co-parenting and are NOT threats to the adoption. Despite what someone else posted, they are NOT legally enforceable, but most people who enter into an open situation respect the boundaries that they agree to and work within it. I wish my son's adoption was a little more open, but I am also not unhappy with the choice of closed adoption either. There are just some days I wish I could let her him giggle or to come be a part of his birthdays etc..
I hope this helps from someone who has been in the adoption realm and who has done a closed adoption and first hand understands the wonderful people birthparents (first moms) can really be, even though we don't have any contact.

kateiskate

Closed adoption definitely still exists in America. My younger sister is a product of a closed adoption. Her birth mother was a teenager who couldn't care for a baby and made the smart decision to give her baby to a family that could care for her. My mom just happened to be in the right place at the right time, but I've seen a lot of people put ads in their local paper saying they want a closed adoption and whatever else the specifics are of their situation. It really depends on the situation and the people involved. Maybe you could agree to give the birth parents updates every once and a while rather than give them actual contact with your child.

I also would like to add (as a person who was adopted internationally) that I don't think you should leave out the option of international adoption. My main reason being that yes, there are many suffering children who do not have homes in the United States, but those children already have a huge advantage over abandoned/orphaned babies from foregin countries. They are already American, they already have one hundred times as many opportunities to make something of themselves and lead a successful life. If I hadn't been adopted by an American family I would have not had the opportunity that I have had, so every day I am grateful to my mom, who essentially saved me.

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