Long lost relatives, should I contact or not?

Ok, so I found out a couple of years ago that my grandfather has 2 other children with another woman that he only told 2 members of our family about. The thing is that shortly after the 2nd child was born, the mother of his children, 2 daughters, left and didn't allow him contact with the girls- One of the daughters is even named after him!! He tried several times to gain visitation of the girls but each time the mother would reject him (please keep in mind that this was in the 60's- quite some time ago.) Anyway, My aunt has found the mother of the girls (who are now women in thier 40's now) and she refuses to speak to anyone from the family. She informed my aunt about 8 years ago that she never told the girls who their real father was and shortly after she left, remarried and her husband adopted the children and refuses to go into any further detail. These people -my aunts- do not even know that they have 6 other siblings (the six my grandfather shares with my grandmother) and 23 neices and nephews, and 3 great- neices and nephews. My question is this, should I attempt to contact them? I believe that they have a right to know, especially since thier father (my grandfather) had cancer and passed away of congestive heart failure. They should have access to the families medical histories atleast! We do not harbor any hard feelings against this woman for what she did, just a chance to be a complete family, she did what she did because the 2nd daughter was concieved shortly after my grandparents were married, and know that she probably felt confused. I am kind of torn, my cousin is adopted and I know that if her bp's wanted to see her (updates and photos are sent to the bps 4x/yr) it would be emotionally confusing, so how hard would it be to find out in your mid-40's to find out right? But there is part of me that would like to meet them and welcome them into the family. Maybe my opinion is skewed now that I am a new mommy, but I just can't wrap my head around the two possible outcomes: interrupting their family structure FOREVER; or allowing them the opportunity to have two families that would love them. We understand that they had two parents who took good care of them and loved them and we understand that they have come to know and love this other man to be their father. What should I do?

Big Bang <3

Just meet them. It doesn't hurt to.
At least you won't regret it later on in life.

Lori A

Tough one. If you have a physical address on them I would send them a letter. Your grandfather is gone, he can't be of any harm in case there was that possibility. They still have a right to know, this is bigger than just them, there's their offspring to consider.

If they want to stick their heads back in the sand after finding out that's their business.

Torrejon

I searched when I was in my 40's....the culmination of a life-long curiosity about my origins. My bparents were horrified to be found because they had told everyone that I had died in the birth. Saying that I had died was the only acceptable excuse for a married, employed couple living a healthy lifestyle to come home from the hospital without the baby that they had been expecting. They cannot face themselves, much less me. I had phone conversations with bdad for a few months; bmom refused all contact. They are still married and I have a full-blood sibling that knew nothing about me until I "returned from the grave." I assume that my bparents were embarrassed to be discovered in their 40+ year-old lie, but it was also the only way that they were ever going to come to terms with the situation.

However, I have much extended family that have welcomed me to the family with open arms, open hearts, and open minds. One in particular, who went to the ob-gyn visits with bmom while she was pregnant with me, claims to have mourned my death like no one else and suffered my absence all her life.

I love my afamily dearly. And even though I always swore that I would search someday, I have not told any one about my search and what I found. I have two families, but they don't necessarily have to overlap.

One of my reasons for searching was for my descendants. My history is also their history. Yes, sometimes the truth hurts. But which would you rather hear: a good lie or a difficult truth? The answer to that question will be different for each person. But remember: omissions can be just as untrue as lies.

zx124

I would. I know what you are going through. No one has heard from my grand father in over 45 years. I am trying to find him because I think he has a right to know that his daughter is dead.

Doodlestuff

Absolutely you should contact them! If they don't know, then it's time that the lies were laid out. Consider an intermediary to contact the now adult women.

My family has also been there and done that. My grandfather fathered 2 other children who were never told that they were the result of an affair (different mothers) while he was in the Navy. One cried for days because he never understood why his father always rejected him. Both said that they were glad that I made the effort to find them and give them as much information as I could.

julieannfelicitydelgrosso

I've been sitting here thinking of how I was going to answer your question because every time I've typed something, it didn't sound right. Well anyways ... here goes;

Being someone who was adopted myself (I was adopted at age 13, however raised in several foster families from the time I was 5), I sought out my birth parents wanting to know who they were (though I had a vague idea of them as my foster families also sent pictures and updates on me to my biological mother) and also to get to know this missing part of my life. I always felt different from the other kids because they knew their families and I couldn't even do the school project on ancestry in the seventh grade because I had no clue. I ended up making things up and luckily no one was the wiser.

Well, what started off as a nice relationship, quickly turned into turmoil. They called wanting my time, money and resources. They quickly tried to drag me down and bring me to their white trash level. They gossiped about everyone and anyone. It was a tramatic experience to say the least. I was not expecting them to behave in such a manner.

I'm not saying your aunts would be anything like my biological family, however something did happen for a reason and there must be a specific reason why this woman took her children out of your grandfather's life. You could find that these ladies are the best thing since sliced bread, but what if they aren't. Unfortunately as you are just a grandchild, I almost feel it is not your place to be the one to contact them unless there isn't another relative to do so. You don't want to cause any kind of conflict within your immediate family over these two people being introduced into your life and into their lives. I would have a family meeting and perhaps one of your aunts or uncles (or even your parents) could be the ones to contact these ladies. That way it is easier for them to get along better, because it was a team effort.

I only wish your family the very best of luck!

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