Mom wants to look at profile. Can you help me determine what is appropriate and not appropriate?

There has been a lot of concern with pre birth matching on here lately so I am very tentative about asking this question. However, I thought I would give it a shot. Our adoption agency wants to present our profile to a 30 year old woman who is considering adoption for her baby. We need to send in pictures and a letter. This mom has kids already so I think it would be great if she chose to parent. However, she seems to be adament about adoption. She wants to see profiles soon, but the agency is requesting her to wait a few weeks because of her due date. They will be presenting our profile to her in a couple of weeks.

I don't want to convince her not to parent so I want to send in a profile that just tells her about our family and pictures that represent our family. Obviously in the profile I don't won't call her birth mother. What else would be appropriate to help her to get a good idea of who we are, but not try to seem like we are better than her because of material things. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Please remember before you criticize me too much, that she is an adult and she sought out the adoption agency. I'm in no way trying to steal her baby.

cmc

I think pre-birth matching should be an option for pregnant women. If you want to adopt and your agency does pre-birth matching you'll have a hard time if you don't agree to it. You should decide if you think your agency is ethical based on the information you have. So long as they are acting responsibly you should give your profile. Also if the mom likes you, she can contact you, and you can let her know that you respect her right to decide after the birth. If she doesn't choose you anyway, then it won't matter what you decide. The pregnant woman needs to decide for herself if she will raise her child or make an adoption plan, regardless of what everyone on Y!A thinks.

Cam

It would be nice if you could find out her first name. It would be nicer if you could arrange a face to face meeting with her so you could discuss these feelings directly with her without the interference of an agency to distort the truth from either party.

Becky S

I think if you just let her know how much you love to parent and show how much love you have to give a new baby. Also, if I were seeking to give my child up I would want to make sure the baby had a mom and dad that had a very strong relationship. I would also want to know that there was room in your life for a new little one. You mentioned material things and I happen to think it's important to have enough money to raise a child comfortably, but that doesn't mean the kid needs cable and a Wii, just a bed and clean, presentable clothes and healthy food with enough left over for the occasional vacation. Good luck. Yay babies!

jhtmom

I think that it is important to be honest and explain why you are interested in adopting her child. Also a little bit about how you grew up and your and your husband's family back ground would be helpful. I agree with you that material things are not what are important but this might be a reason she is wanting to give her baby up specially because she already has children and is older. I just had a baby i am 30 years old and have 3 older children, I really considered not raising the baby myself, but in the long run I couldn't give up my child. I wouldn't get your hopes up about this being the baby for you because this mother might change her mind. If it is meant be you will know it and you will get the baby that is right for you. Good Luck and my prayers are with you and the birth mother.

Jennifer L

I don't think there is anything coercive about her looking at your profile. That's a rather passive thing. You wrote the profile and she can look at it or not.

However, if she requests a meeting with you before birth, you could address your concerns via the adoption counselor, that you are concerned that meeting her would create a potentially coercive environment, which is something you want to avoid. If you feel uncomfortable meeting with her before birth, say so. And say why.

Like I said in another post, I think the definition of coercion on this forum is sometimes so broad that it borders on absurd. I don't think that looking at some pictures and reading a letter is enough to force someone to do something they don't want to do.

magic pointe shoes

LOL, you answered your own question. If this is such a concern to you about not being coercive, than you wouldn't participate in pre-birth matching. You do want a chance at her baby, thus you participate in the process that is unethical.

ehtwozed

Well, maybe you could create a dumbee profile. Basically, so, your customers can see a lay out of what to expect from the real thing.

So, you'd have all the information in a folder but, of course the folder will be fake. Then you can present it to her and tell her that this isn't a real profile and that its an example of what she will see on the real thing.

2nd, if she's REALLY eager to see pictures of kids. Be firm with her and tell her that, its only proper that she wait her turn. Tell her that you have a lot of people checking out folders and that she's going to have to wait her turn. Maybe not as harsh as that.

But, make her understand that its only fair to the other parents looking to adopt that have waited the same amount of time.

Oh, don't give her real folders with real numbers. The numbers should ALWAYS be confidential... it could turn out to be a REALLY bad movie... if you know what I'm saying...

HOpe this helps! good luck!

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