Moms who have adopted, what would you say to...?
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Moms who have adopted, what would you say to...?
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Imagine this.
You have adopted a little girl from Korea whose parents were unable to parent her due to financial difficulties. They took care of her for the first few months after she was born. However they ended up placing her for adoption. The adoption files clearly indicate they were not neglectful or abusive in any way, and the agency has relayed the message that they loved her deeply and were very sorry that they were unable to be her parents in the future.
You have their names, their birthdates, their residence, everything that could be used as identifying info should their daughter decide to search and initiate contact as an adult.
You raise their daughter as your own. She laughs, she smiles, she is as carefree and happy as any child could possibly be and does not seem to care in the least about being from Korea. As far as she's concerned, her ONLY family is you and your husband and any siblings she may have in her adoptive family. She asks about her relinquishment once or twice as a young child and is satisfied with the answers you provide. You tell her that since they could not take care of her, you felt that God chose YOU to be her rightful parents. You say how blessed you are to have her as your daughter and that God knew you guys were the perfect family. Things worked out the way they did for a reason. You are always honest with her and she is completely honest with you and very open about her adoption feelings.
One day in her late twenties, she suddenly tells you she's decided to search for her biological parents. Even though she desires no ongoing contact with them, she says she feels they should know she turned out a happy woman with a good job and family.
She manages to make contact with them and her perspective drastically changes months after she hears from them. She cannot communicate in Korean but has a translator write letters. All of a sudden she comes to you one day and says to you, "Mom? Do you really think it was Fate that we became a family?"
You say, "Of *course*! I mean, they were your parents first, BUT since they couldn't take proper care of you due to financial difficulties, your father and I feel that God chose us to be your parents. He knew we would be the perfect parents for you."
And then she says, "Well. Does that mean my parents were fated to 'not' raise me? Were they 'fated' to have financial difficulties JUST so you could adopt me?"
You are shocked at her question, and immediately respond, "No, of course not! I don't believe any mother was 'Fated' to have financial difficulties. But sometimes these things just happened, and good things come out of it. Like me being your mom. I feel sad for your Korean mother, but if she had parented you, *I* wouldn't have been your mom and that makes me very sad. Sometimes these unfortunate things just happen."
She looks conflicted for a moment, and then asks, "Yes, but if my Korean mom and dad *hadn't* had financial difficulties, you and Dad would have NEVER had me as your daughter."
What is your response?
Additional Details
Annabelle: Absolutely. I mean, we shouldn't be GLAD that little kids are abused JUST so they can go to foster care and be adopted. Sure, they ended up in better families - but what "Fate" dictates that they should have been abused to begin with, resulting in their adoptions?
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♥♥Mum To Superkids♥♥
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I would tell her the same thing that I will always tell my children (who came to me through foster care):
That I feel unbelievably blessed to have been a part of her life, and I love her more than life itself, but I wish with all my heart that we had never had to meet.
If I had one wish, it would be for my children to never have gone into foster care. I would gladly give up my chance of parenting them if it meant they had never known abuse or neglect. |
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BLW_KAM
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"That's true Honey. If your parents hadn't had financial difficulties you would have grown up with them in Korea and we would have never met. Our lives would have been very different." |
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Annabelle
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Well I dont know about "fate" per se. But it is what it is. All three people (Korean parents and child) experienced a tragic situation. The parents made a difficult decision that they presumably had little choice over but...its not the adoptive parents fault.
So to answer your question I think I would have said something along the lines of " I honestly dont know. I think its normal for you to have conflicted feelings about all of this. I dont have all the answers but I love you. If it was up to me I would want the path for you that has the least amount of suffering but I dont know what that would have been"
Thank you for posting this question. It gave me pause to think. The same question could come from a child in the foster care system in the way of "are you glad I was abused so I could be your child..." something to think about. |
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Indian-vision
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This would have been my response according to my religous and cultural beliefs.
"Well. Does that mean my parents were fated to 'not' raise me? Were they 'fated' to have financial difficulties JUST so you could adopt me?"
Answer: Yes they were destined to face finacial difficulties.
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She looks conflicted for a moment, and then asks, "Yes, but if my Korean mom and dad *hadn't* had financial difficulties, you and Dad would have NEVER had me as your daughter."
Yes thats true........that would have been destiny too.
ETA- I will be collecting my thumbs down. as "karma" is not a Western outlook and can not be understood as easily. |
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Sofiakat
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My five year old actually asked me a very similar question, except minus the money part.
this is how I responded to him:
Although mummy would have missed having you in her life, I wish your mom could have made a better choice when she was younger and not done drugs. I wish she could be part of your everyday life.
If my son asked me this as an adult, this is what I would (will) say:
Honey, I love you very much and you are part of my heart and soul. I wish I could have taken all that pain away for you but I couldn't and I still can't. If I could have waved a magic wand and given you the perfect family with your mom and dad and sister staying together, I would have if that would have made you okay and not angry and not sad and not unhappy. But that isn't what happened. Instead you got stuck with me and dad, and we will love you until the end of time. Even though I would have missed you in my life so much, I still wish that you never would have had to experience the things you did and I am so sorry that all that happened to you. |
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IDK!!
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I would never say " but if she had parented you, *I* wouldn't have been your mom and that makes me very sad. Sometimes these unfortunate things just happen."
I would rather my son be healthy and with him mother than sick and with me.
His fate is about him, not me. His "journey" doesn't stop with us adopting him. I'd rather him not need me, but he does. |
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Freckle Face
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Hi Mei-Ling,
UGH, I'm having such a hard time trying to imagine what i would say because i wouldn't say most of these things.
Whether God or fate plays a part in adoption is up to the individual adoptee to decide. Adoption happens to them and no one else. For me to injection God or fate into their adoption is not fair.
The financial difficulties part. That is a hard pill to swallow. No good parent should lose their child due to poverty alone. It is wrong. I don't know why i didn't "get" that earlier in my life.
My reply: You are right, poverty alone shouldn't be the reason good parents lose their children. |
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tish_part deux
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because i'm pretty sure this will be deleted as a rant (primarily by those who don't wish to see the dynamics of this conversation) i'll email you.
(((hugs))) |
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mommy to a princess
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Well it doesn't matter why you came in my life it just matters that you are in it. I love you, always have and always will. |
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The brain
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If I were the daughter, I think I would burn the bible for any mention of "God" in adoption issues, and then get a bottle of wine and drink myself silly trying to understand my adoptive mother's river of denial.
So sorry. |
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kitta
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Mei-ling,
I am always astonished when people try to say that God or some higher power is manipulating an adoption. I don't believe that. Adoption is a government social program that is also supported by private interests and public and private money.
And I think that is pretty much the condition the world over.Parents do not simply "put their children up for adoption" on a whim. They surrender their parental rights or their rights are terminated, usually under duress.(there can be many reasons)
Adoption is not the "biological plan." So, it seems that to imply to a child that the original plan for life was all wrong, somehow, and never meant to be, would be very confusing to the child, especially when the child begins to question the reality of her beginnings. |
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Shannon T
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Maybe you should stop thinking about how you feel and how it is affecting You. Start focusing on your adopted child and try to understand her and sympathize with Her. Why is it always about the adoptive parents and their feelings of rejection that keep them from being open minded and honest with their children? |
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Additional Details
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