More Of The Parental Name Game?

cantstopLinnyG

I would hate having more names to throw around. I know n Moms HATE the term birth mother, but, that's what they are. I don't see what is offensive about it. To me, it's simple, direct, and the truth. My birth mother gave birth to me. Something my adoptive mother did not and could not do.

I only use those terms online because some people are upset by that term. In real life, I use the term birth mother. Its too confusing for everyone else. They're like, "First Mom? Natural Mom? HUH?"

Life Parents and Other Parents, to me, could be used for our adoptive parents, also. Too confusing.

SJM

As a great fan of John Locke, I'm stuck on natural parents. I think I'm too old to retrain! My adoptive mom used the term 'real mother' in regard to my natural mother, and my adad called her my natural mother. It's what I grew up with. I would still use 'real mother' except that too many people would think I was speaking about the wrong mother or attempting to insult them.

I don't mind the 'origin' terms. I hate the "life parents" and "parents of loss". They sound too political and contrived.

JMO

celtic.piskie

Theysound far too PC and patronising.

One of my friend was called 'an african american with a stature diminishing disorder' Bearing in mind she's british, she's a black dwarf. She says it, i say it, that's what she is. She's black, and a dwarf. Achondroplasic dwarf.

I have my first parents, the ones that came first, and then second parents, and then the religious nuts who kickd me out and no longer talk to me.

Technically parents, but no longer called that.

Original parents I can understand, but Parents of loss?

What, you parented a loosing ball game?

Life parents? that's assuming they're going to stick around that long.

Lori A

I am Lori to my daughter. I have no problem with that. I use First parent out of respect for the people I associate with and have become more comfortable with it. I have been refered to a million and one things by now and let it roll off my back. When distinguishing between her mom and I we use mom and mother. I am the mother, she is the mom. I really cringe at the terms original or real, and I'm the first mother. I think it shows disrespect. In other words I really dont' care.

Sorry if this sounds crass, trying to get it in before taking kids to school. I'm flexible is what I meant to say.

Randy B

With all of the different titles, names and descriptors that people tend to throw around, all encouraging us to adopt them because they like them or imploring us not to use them because they (or someone else) may be offended I really can't help but wonder if we are not "over analyzing" the whole matter.

Really, what is more important...what a person says or the thoughts behind it? Someone says "birth mother" meaning the woman who gave birth to a child and everyone gasps assuming that birth mother was said to imply that that is all she was when in fact it means just as the term says, she gave birth.

Someone says "first mother" and someone gets upset because perhaps they now feel that they are the second mother and thereby "second choice". Now, if some woman were to say that term with the express meaning of elevating themselves and thereby putting down the adoptive mother then thats a different story.

In person, with spoken words, it's normally very easy for someone hearing the term "birth mother" to catch if it's a descriptive term or a put down. Sure, it's hard here when there are just typed words but I would like to think, for the most part, that we are all mature enough to be able to understand the intended meaning of someones words and not just automatically jump to the wrong conclusion when ever we see a term that someone says we shouldn't like (or we don't like) but which is used without any intended insult.

Opedial

I use other mommy and First mommy when talking to my children about her.

One day I wondered about Genetic parents, but that seemed too creepy.

I still will not use natural parents because what their parents did to them was NOT natural. But our case is unique.

So I enjoy Other mommy....although other mother has ringing of like the "other woman", but sounds okay with other mommy. or other mom.

monkeykitty83

"Other Mother/Father" strikes me as a very reasonable term. It indicates a mother other than me-- just like saying "my other child" indicates my child who is not this child. It differentiates without prioritizing. Good in my book.

"Original Mother/Father" is again accurate and reasonable. I use this one sometimes. Not much to say about it, but it seems easily workable.

I have no objection to "Mother/Father of Origin" in terms of being offended, but I've been led to understand that "of origin" has a specific meaning in psychology, that wouldn't apply in most cases. So while it doesn't bother me, I wouldn't use this construction because it might lead people to confusion about my meaning.

"Life Parent," not so fond of. It either implies "Gave life and nothing else," which is even worse than "Birth Parent" because it denies even the physical act of giving birth, or "Parent for life (apparently as opposed to that adoptive parent who becomes irrelevant at age 18,)" which obviously isn't particularly accurate for a child or adult with two sets of parents. Either way you interpret this one, it disrespects somebody. Not a fan.

"Parent of Loss" is not something I would use on behalf of someone, because it seems kind of presumptuous to do so. I have no problem with those parents referring to themselves that way-- it just seems like too personal and emotional of a label to stick on someone I don't even know, if that makes sense?

So of that list, I would use "Other Parent" or "Original Parent," and am fine with "Parent of Loss" as self-description by the person involved, but wouldn't feel comfortable using it myself to describe someone.

ETA: That I applied the Life Parent term to biological parents is actually not an "assumption," it's that I've heard the term before and know who it was applied to in those cases. So that's not an "adoptive parent thing," it's that I've seen it used previously and know who was using it to refer to themselves-- and it was natural parents. That's not to diminish someone else's interpretation, which is perfectly valid, but another poster seems to be trying to do something demographic with who took it which way, and I'm throwing the demographics off if you assume I interpreted it that way just out of my own mind. :-)

kateiskate

This question is interesting to me because beyond the normal adoptee dynamic of having two sets of parents, I really have three since my parents are divorced and remarried (to different people).

My stepdad raised us, taught us to ride bikes, to tie our shoes, helps me move, builds me furniture etc so I call him Dad.

I call my adad by his name. He didn't pay child support and wasn't there for us. So he gets called by his real name.

So when I'm talking to new people who don't know me very well and speak of "my dad" they always say "which one? Your real dad? Oh wait, I mean your adoptive real dad? I mean, which one?" Sometimes when they say "Real dad" they mean my stepdad. Other times they mean my adad, other times they mean my fdad. It's very confusing and at times I just wish I could discard the labels and call everyone by their first names so there would be less confusion.

I am personally a fan of "first" mom, "first" dad, etc. Because they were chronolgically first. Not because they are better or worse than my adoptive family, but because they were my family first and nothing can change that. Bio sounds too cold to me. Natural sounds cold as well. But if a first parent said they prefered me to use another term or said that first mom was offensive I would do my best to respect that and refrain from using that particular term.

eta: I'm sorry if my answer wasn't clear...other mother/father work fine in my mind...they don't seem offensive at all to me. However, it might get a little confusing to call them that if you have aparents, first parents, and step parents.

Original mother/father sounds fine as well. It is similar to first parents I think.

Mother/father of origin is also fine to me, but it sounds a little cold. I don't know my first mom, but calling her my first MOM in my mind keeps her more human, more alive to me.

Life parents/and parents of loss are terms that for some reason rub me the wrong way. Life parents (assuming that you mean the APs since obviously they couldnt be the parents of loss in this situation) to me is very dismissive of the fact that your first parents gave you life. Parents of loss does acknowledge that they experienced a loss (which is a good thing to acknowledge) but it kind of puts the first parents in a piehole of thats the only thing they did....Just to me, I like the names that honor the parents for what they did for me...First parents were first and gave me life....adoptive parents raised me so i call them mom and dad.

snowwillow20

I am called Susan, we don't explain my place in her life.
I am still the person who gave birth to her so she refers to me as her birthmom if explainations are necessary.
I'm with Lori, I really don't care what term people use. People on this forum don't like birthmom, but other forums embrace it.

Sorry to ramble.....
I don't like other, life parents or parents of loss, I guess original is ok,

kidmindi

When I was a teenager, I refered to my 1st mother as my "real mother" I htink a lot of this was due to friction between myself and my adoptive mother.

As an adult I called my adoptive mother "Mama" and my birth mother "Mom"

When refering to them to other ppl I specify adoptive mother or birth mothre since these are the terms most people are familiar with.

BLW_KAM

Other Mother/Father - OK, but it strikes me as relating more to a divorce/step parent situation where there are multiple sets of parents raising a child.

Original Mother/Father - Scary, it immediately makes me think of "Original Sin".

Mother/Father of Origin - Clinical, as in "Country of Origin".

Life Parents - Hmm ... this strikes me as referring to APs more than NPs.

Parents of Loss - OK, but could also relate to parents who lose their children to illness or accident.

My personal preference is "natural parents". While some may feel this puts the label of "unnatural parents" on APs, I see its complementary term as "nurturing parents". Nature and Nurture, children need them both.

Cam

Other is fine to me. So is first. Her actual first name is preferred.

I have hard time telling my daughter that her "parent of loss" is on the telephone and would like to speak with her.

Independ"ant"

I'm a bit old fashioned.....I like to keep it honest and real.

Mother.......Adoptive mother or parent

BOTZ

Other Mother/Father is fine with me -- that's what I call my APs, actually, when I'm with my natural family/families.

Original Mother/Father would be fine with me, too, but I can't think of a situation in which I would choose that over 'Natural'.

"Life Parents"...Hmmmm...

It's funny to me that a lot of the APs who have answered assumed that this was a term applied to natural parents in some context (saying, then, that it would "better apply" to adoptive parents) while the adoptees who've answered -- including me -- assume(d) that it was meant to be applied to adoptive parents in the first place. To which I wholeheartedly agree with two previously-mentioned sentiments, "That's assuming they'll stick around that long" (Or that *I* will), and "They become irrelevant when the adoptee turns 18." I know the person who said the second one (which I probably paraphrased badly) didn't mean it that way, but I do.

"Parents of Loss"...Hmmmm... (again) It's accurate in the cases of both my natural parents as they both wanted and, subsequently, lost me -- I'm a BSE adoptee. As of today, it could also be applied to my APs as they have "lost" me now, too. The difference being, my AP's loss was MY choice. Their loss, however, is permanent while the loss suffered by my natural parents has been rectified (somewhat...or at least mitigated) by reunion. Again, I can't think of a real-life setting wherein I would ever use this term. It does give me something to think about, though.

Thanks for asking. Sorry you're getting so many non-answers. :-)

Take care!

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

My preference out of those would be other mother/father. It is the one that strikes me as least offensive. I just hate the sterility of these kinds of names, I wish we could find names for both side that has a connotation of love and affection without being perceived as one trying to one up or outdoing the other.

Hermione

I don't even understand Life Parents or Parents of Loss - who are they referring to ? I find all the terms you've listed to be awkward and a little bit condescending actually. The best one of Mother of Origin.

icehockeymom7

I'm coming into this as an adoptive mom. My daughter is from China, and interestingly enough, I call her birthmother her "China mommy". I was going to post a question and ask adoptees how they felt about this, but too many of you are against IA and I would just get nasty and unhelpful responses. I guess "other mother" would be kind of the same thing, I have just never heard of that one. I usually say "birth mother" when I am talking about her to other people, but say "your China mommy" when I am talking about it to my daughter. I guess "Life Parents" would be the adoptive parents? (don't laugh, I am just trying to get the terms straight, lol) "Parents of Loss" is kind of strange.....I don't know, it's just not one I've heard before and seems so negative.

Serenity71

You know IRL we call them by their first name... If I say natural parent people look confused. (Well people my age since they don't even use that for their own biological parents,) No matter what term an adoptive parent uses someone will say its an insult so I give up on it altogether. I'll ask 'sara' (Not her real name, of course for privacy.) what she wants me to use when I'm explaining to my kids who it all works. HER opinion on that matters to me more than anyone else's ideas on it.

yeahright

For once, I agree with Linny.

Jennifer L

I was one of those people that didn't understand the connotations of "birthmother" before coming on this forum. I don't use that anymore.

IRL, we say "Liberian mother" or "Your mother in Liberia" or when it's just my husband and I talking we call her by her first name or we call her the children's mother. The children never had problems with differentiating, even when we all met in-country. It was like "Mama, this is Mama." We tried to introduce me as "America mama" but the children dropped the qualifier pretty quick.

I don't mine Other/Original.

Life Parents and Parents of Loss sounds kinda like a Hallmark card. Manufactured sentimentality. The exception being the BSE mothers and I can completely understand them using the Parent of Loss term.

I also agree with Randy. I think it's the intent behind the term. You can pretty much tell the difference between someone throwing around a word as an insult and someone who just hasn't learned the history and connotations of the phrase.

kathiangel711

I like birth parent myself....

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

other/original/motehr of origin is fine

life parents? but they are not usually PARENTS as in in the child's life.. that term would more accurately apply to the aparents, I think What I mean is a firstmother is the child's MOTHEr, always will be, but she is not PARENTING the child.

Parents of loss applies to BSE firstmothers and ONLY those who did NOT effectively make the decision for themselves...

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