More Questions....How do I tell him?

Freckle Face

Tickled Blue,

That is really tough! Your son is still young if i remember correctly. Currently, i would not say too much at this time. Try to feel out the first family and see with time if they come around. Its all so new. Keep the lines of communication open if you can. Start by building your relationship with the first family.

If you have photos of the first family you could make a scrapbook for your son. You could always request photos from the first family too. No matter what, I would send picts and letters of your son to them. Baby steps.

Good rule of thumb, if there is something negative about the first family say nothing to your child. In time he will figure things out for himself. Don't make guesses or assumptions. When faced with a difficult question i say, "that is a really good question to ask your First Mother someday. I can't pretend to know how she feels and what she is going thru. In time i am sure she will be happy to answer this question."

When my daughter asks why her First Mother has stopped contact? I say, "I can not pretend to know why. We don't know the whole story of what is going on in her life right now. One thing i do know is that she loves you and you are always on her mind. This has to be so hard on her being separated from you, maybe its too painful for her right now. Again I don't know, you would have to ask her someday, but that would be my guess."

I hug and comfort. Then i go over all the reasons there are to love her/him. Look at how lovable you are! Who couldn't fall in love with those big brown eyes? Gently remind the child its okay to be sad and miss his first mother. Also sometime during that day i reinforce that i am not going anywhere. Sorry kid your stuck with me. I made a promise to your first mommy that i would love you and take care of you forever. I intend on keeping that promise the rest of my life. My 10yr old still struggles with abandonment issues at times. I've just found you can never tell them enough that no matter what they do or what they say, i will always love you. I will always be here for you. I am not going anywhere.

I know our situations are a little different but maybe you can pull something useful out of it. Good Luck:)

Iffy

You don't. As a good parent, you should not bad-mouth another family member/parent. Keep contact info, and when he is older, let him make his own opinions and decisions, unbiased. It's his right.

Danielle S

I would tell him the truth be straight up with the boy when he is older he will be grateful to u because u wanted him no matter what his race is he will be like "they are not good enough to have a boy like me" honestly u are his parent same blood or not u wanted him for him so what skin is only the cover, the inside is the most interesting part of the book good luck

Navan

First of all, as a parent you must really love this child and teach him what love means. Through love and understanding and giving him a good education, he will eventually understand and you can tell him whatever you want without fear of rejection. I applaud you for what you are doing.

sk8ermom

When my kids' parents split they had a fight over who had to take the kids. Neither of them wanted the kids. It was my oldest sons 4th birthday when she abandoned him and his brother. Their dad had taken off a month before.
They are now 12 and 10 and ask about their mom. to be honest with you, I lied. I told them that she couldn't give them the stable home that we could. I told them that she had some trouble with her brain and it made it hard for her to keep them fed and clean (all true) but I said that she wanted them to have the things she couldn't give them. I told them the basic story that is the reason for birthparents placing. I couldn't tell them they just were not wanted.
Anyway, they look at her in a loving way now and want to see her again. They think she is this great woman that is just mentally disabled and needs love and care. So, well, I guess I'm still stuck where you are aren't I? LOL
I don't know. Where is the kids manuel, right? I didn't get mine. I will be watching these answers.

Crucio

Your sons bio family are clearly ignorant if they want nothing to do with him because he is mixed. Of course I wouldnâ€™t come out and tell him. Some of his biokin could come around or maybe they wouldnâ€™t. I only found out about a year ago that I was basically placed for adoption because my biomgrandmother would not raise me because I was mixed raced. And biomother would not have had her support in keeping me and was in no position on her own. That said I am glad I found this fact out when I was older. I took it much better, when I learned it I was sort of surprised but I mostly felt sorry for her (bmg) as I do for anyone who is so closed minded. I ended up with a family who loves me for who I am. I think that will be important to remind your son that you and his other family love him just the way he is.

There will come a day when you will have to tell him I personnel would wait for this type of news till he is at least 16 maybe older. Let him know its ok to feel sadness, anger and any other emotions he has. It may be a blow to him but just remind him that you again love him just the way he is, that he was meant to be mixed raced. Sadly many people are closed minded and know no better.

~*lil jordy*~

You don't say anything along those lines!

Say... your parents gave you up because they wanted someone to love and take care of you better than they could.. something like that.

Wait until he is 18 and if he still wants to contact them, let him.

John M aka Needs More Cowbell

I would only answer the questions as he asked them. Offering too much too young can have adverse affects on him.
Don't use the line "they didn't care about you" but rather "they were young and not ready for the responsibility, so they decided to allow you the chance of a loving home so you would have a brighter future".
Also, don't say "because you're bi-racial" but rather "some people, not all, are ingnorant when it comes to differing races".
Most importantly, continue the awesome job of being there for him. He knows you'll always be on his side.

Lila

If you tell him the truth it would be cruel and can cause lasting emotional damage. Just continue to love him the way you always have. When he gets old enough and asks then he can handle it, but you still should not put this in his mind. It is something that he will have to see for himself when he can handle it and won't be emotionallly devastated. This is his self esteem we are talking about. You are responsible for giving a good self image and self confidence. Just continue to do that until he decides he wants to know. Then you can give him the phone numbers what he needs to contact his biological family. You don;t want to cause him any damage!!

I hope you will do this" You can save this little boy

mom of 2

Turn the whole situation around and make a scrap book about the time you have had with hime and how happy he makes your life don't dwell on the past or the won't be's show the positve side and make him so excited about the life he has that he never thinks about what should or could have been. You are the best thing in his life and you deserve an award for trying in this tough situation. The way you raise him and nurture him will help him be a better person then the people who brought him into this world!! May God Bless you for that!

miamistar007

you don't say that...ever! unfortunately, as an older child or adult, he'll figure it out.
int eh mean time you don't have to say anything! just love him. if he asks, just say you have him because his birth parents couldn't take care of hima nd they wanted him somewhere where somebody could take good care of him and love him. don't offer any details.
at some point he may want to contact them, I would put of having the info (make up stuff...oh I can't find it, let me see if i can contact so and so, it will take a while) while he is little, he won't know. if you offer info, wait until he is at least 18. if you feel the need to let him know a little bit about what happened, tell him then so he isn't slapped in the face. By a little bit, just say that they appeared a bit judgemental and possibly rascist when you met them and that is why you never wanted to help him find them until he was a mature adult.

Tyler

Honestly, i'd only tell him when he asks. That will be in a long time too, don't slap him with it.

And when you do, just be honest, clear and caring about it and try to comfort him.

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