Mothers of "birth mothers" - how did you find peace in your daughter giving your grandchild up for adoption?

myst1998

I am a mother who has lost her child to adoption.

If either of my daughters became pregnant early and were considering adoption I'd be furious. Adoption is something that affects the whole family... Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, cousins. When a baby goes out of the family, a whole piece of that family goes missing and can never be reclaimed. My parents were late in realising this and it has cost them dearly. My sisters feel the pain of losing a niece. Whilst the mother is affected the most, have no doubt the loss reverberates through the entire family and future family as well i.e. your future children and possibly husband.

Adoption is not about providing indescribable love and happiness to people... it is about providing a couple with a baby. A child should not be placed to do this. Your baby has a mother and it seems support from her family so choosing adoption in your case is really quite sad. Children are born NOT wanting to be separated from their mothers and adoption is only second best no matter how you try to paint the picture.

I think you need to read Nancy Verrier's Primal Wound and check out these websites:

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/the_primal_wound.html
http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

I would also have you talk to your family and tell them to be honest with you. This sort of thing can radically change relationships in families and you will need your family when the dark days come if you go ahead and place so the best thing now is communication and honesty.

All the best with your pregnancy... don't think about what this baby can do for others... he/she has no responsibility to anyone else and yours is to parent this baby yourself... it is what Nature intended. Adoption is really only a last, last resort and a very poor one at that.

cruzgirlz3

I know you are in a difficult situation. I can only speak hypothetically as an adoptee and a mother of three girls. If one of my daughters were to give up a child, I would grieve the loss tremendously. I say this as someone who has already lost my entire biological family through adoption.

It is your choice. However, I encourage you to think of this through the eyes of your child. The most important thing is not what your mother will lose it is what your CHILD will lose. Your baby will lose their grandparents, cousins, mother. You are taking these people, who are so important to you, away from him or her. This is not about what relationships you owe your family, it is a matter of what kind of family you want your child to have and what will he or she be losing.

You can place your child in another family but, remember, you can never replace the family into which he or she is born. YOUR family.

Not Adopted

I don't if there are any mothers of women who gave a baby up who are on this forum.

There is mother of a young father who was cheated out of being a father to his baby. She can speak for herself, but rest assured she is not happy about her loss of a grandchild and her son's loss of his child.

I can only speak hypothetically here. If I had a son or daughter who created a baby I would fully support him/her in keeping the child. I would be opposed to giving the baby up for adoption because it is a permanent loss. Future generations will be lost to the family forever, just with the loss of this one child.

I believe in supporting family members through rough patches and helping them fulfill their responsibilities to their children (born or unborn). That responsibility includes keeping the baby and becoming the best parent possible.

jwilliams22mn

I have never given a baby up for adoption. I am a mom of 2 and a 3rd on the way. I have a friend who gave up her baby boy for adoption when she was 18. She married and had 2 little girls later. She ended up having cancer and cannot have anymore children. It bothers her everyday that she gave that baby up. She may have struggled a little bit, but she would have made it to where she is today. Think very carefully about your choice. Know that you can never have that baby back. Know that success is not measured by money. There are tons of programs out there to help you keep your baby. Adoption I think should be for mothers who are not fit to be mothers. Like having abuse or drug problems. Not having a lot of money should not be a reason you give up your child. If you have love and support from your family I would keep your baby. Again, the choice is yours. Good Luck!

maxamello_1

Okay what is wrong with giving a baby up for adoption in the first place? I was adopted and thank God every day because of it. Forget all the others answers in here that somehow condone or condemn what you are deciding it is your life anyway. I met my birth parents. They were way too young and in no financial shape to take of me, I get along with them fine, but my Mom and Dad are the ones that guided me and gave me everything that I have ever needed or wanted. Sometimes you just can't give a child at that time in your life what you would hope to give them. The joy I feel about my birth parents is the recognition that they decided to give me up for adoption because financially at that time they just couldn't do it, and they chose not to abort me. My Mom and Dad also include my birth parents at holidays parties and events as we are close enough to do this geographically and they do not live that far away. It is your life and if you feel compelled to do what you got to do, don't listen to people that do not live your story and do not live your life. You don't need forgiveness, you do what you have to do.

kidmindi

When I adopted my daughter, her birth mother's mom was very upset. She had never seen the baby and was afraid she would never get to see her first grandchild. She was not supportive of her daughter's decision.

Her daughter had tried to parent her child for 8 months and due to her own issues, she was unable to parent and ended up leaving the child in a life threatening situation.

The grandmother was upset with her daughter not only for her irresponsibility as a mother, but also for giving the child up.

I keep in contact with the birth mother AND the grandmother. I send the grandmother pictures as often as I take them, and should she ever get the chance to visit (she lives several states away), she will be welcomed. The birth mother visited last weekend.

In your situation, you need to have a serious talk with your mom. Ask her for her HONEST opinion. If she says she is ok with your decision, then take her word for it.

You do need to know one thinkg however, an open adoption is NOT legally enforceable. The "wonderful couple" can promise you the moon and stars, but as soon as the ink is dry on the adoption papers, they can cut you and your family out of the baby's life. Legally you can do nothing about that.

Good luck in whatever you decide is best for you and your baby.

yeahright

You don't need to seek forgiveness--and you don't/can't combine what you are going through now with your past mistakes--you sound down and out and sorry for whatever "other" mistakes you might have made in your past. But you don't owe anyone anything--and giving up your child isn't going to erase that.

If you an seperate the two (and it looks like in your post that you are lumping them all), and still come up with this conclusion--you just need to be very honest and open with your parents about the why's and how's of what is going on. I am sorry for what you are going through and my hopes/thoughts are with you.

Tilden J.

My daughter gave my grandson up for adoption two years ago. I was devastated. I told her I would keep him, and raise him myself, and so did my sister. My daughter wanted someone who couldn't have children to be parents. So I did as your parents are doing, I supported her. Together we decided to give my grandson to two wonderful men. I know that some people think this is horrible, but just hear me out. We made contact and they came to our home town for a meeting. I felt like a third wheel, but they made me feel so comfortable. When the time came for the baby to be born, we flew to California. They treated my daughter and myself like royalty. They made what could have been a horrible experience and very loving one. They went out of their way to make us all feel welcomed to their family, and I will love them for that, for the rest of my life. I only felt cheated once, after my grandson was born. I went to the nursery to see him, and I had to look at him through the glass. I felt robbed. I never told my daughter how I felt, but I did tell the fathers.Since he was born I get e-mails once a week progress reports, and pictures. I am now and will always be his Grandmother. The two dads, will make sure of that. It is an open adoption, and we are now one big happy family. We are all planning to reunite for the first time in the spring. Your family loves you, and you have to do what you feel is right for youself, and for your child. Just be open, talk about you fellings, and if at all possible, have an open adoption. It helps when you still are a part of the childs life. You may not be with your child every day, but you will always be her Mother, and your parents will always be her Grandparents. I could never hold the adoption against my daughter, she did the right thing. In the process I got a beautiful grandson, and a whole new family. I am blessed. God Bless you and you family. I know you will make the right choice.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

My mom is a AP. She fully supported me when I decided to go the adoption route. She sd they would do whatever I wanted done and support me. They were in their 50's at that point. lol My parent's are amazing. She saw my son before I relinquished and cried with me but was ok with my decision. I never had to worry about being forgiven....there was never any blame or anything placed on me.

LaraSue

I am such a mother. My daughter placed her baby with a wonderful couple. Was it hard for me? Yes. Do I love my daughter any less? No!
Do I feel as if I lost a grandchild? Not really. We are lucky in that the family who adopted my grandchild are very open and we get pictures. letters, phone calls and visits.
Do I wish my daughter never had to make that choice? Yes. I would have supported in whatever decision she made, and yes, we offered to raise the baby. She wasn't a young teenager, she was close to your age when this all happened.
She believes she made the best choice for her child. I pray that is true.So far, it is.
Do I worry that my grandchild will have the issues that I see other adoptees here have? Yes. But I am hoping with the openess of the adoption those will be lessened.
ETA: Look at all the answers from people who aren't mothers of first mothers!

ProfessorC

Thankful that the child I knew did not have to assume a role he was not ready for.....

What about an open adoption? You have the best of both worlds.

melissa

you poor poor child, I wish I could hug you....they aren't going to be cheated, she is still in the world, celebrate her.....volunteer more with local charities, celebrate her in small ways, talk to your mother, show her what you just wrote, yes, they will always wonder, think about the child, but when you are a mother, you want what is best for your child, and both you and your mother are doing that. Bless You, I am an attorney and handle many adoptions, you can not believe the happiness that your are giving someone, that little child, is going to be loved by alot of cousins, grandparents, friends,.....

Living Life and Loving Life

I think what you are doing is very commendable and very unselfish, good for you to realize that you have the rest of your young life ahead of you and realizing that you cannot take care of your child. I have a friend that her daughter gave up two children to a couple that could not have children of their own and they arranged an open adoption with not just the biological mother, but they also fly the grandmother out to California once a year to visit with the children. At first my friend had a hard time with it, even worse than the daughter, but when she experienced what a loving and giving family these people were, she now says she knows her daughter did the right thing and going on with her life as well. Good Luck to you.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: