Mothers who put their kids in adoption.?

Not Adopted

Everyone here loves to talk about those awful mothers, they must have been addicts, blah, blah, blah.

How do you know she was on drugs? Many adoption agencies and adoptive parents use these stories to scare adoptees and keep them from reuniting. You may need to find out for yourself if this is actually true.

That is one of the reasons adoption agencies are opposed to opening their records....the files often contain a great deal of misinformation which they want to keep hidden.

MamaKate

Dear Brown Eyes,

I am unaware of any actual LAW that states First Parents & Adoptees are not "allowed" to meet/know/contact etc their children. Unless there is a specific Court Order, such as a restraining order, adoption merely renders First Parents and their children LEGAL strangers. Strangers are allowed to have contact (otherwise we'd never meet anyone!) and can contact each other throughout life as long as there are no laws being broken (harassment, child endangerment, etc.). If there were laws about FPs and Adoptees having contact, there could not be "open" adoptions. There are certianly cases where contact should be avoided because an FP poses a REAL threat (abuse, extreme emotional issues, severe drug use, etc.) and these are ususally the cases which HAVE an RO in place.

Most First Parents never forget about their children. The majority of us WANT reunion and think of our children and miss them EVERYDAY. Many of us never stop loving them and dream of the day when we will see our familys again. In many cases it is BENEFICIAL to maintain contact for all parties of an adoption.

From what you have written, it sounds like your First Mother is probably waiting with baited breath to see you again. I'm quite sure she misses you terribly and wants to know you and see your face once again.

You sound as though you would like to meet her too. I would encourage you to meet her when YOU are ready. She will always be your First Mother, you can choose for yourself if you wish to consider her your Mum! No one but you gets to decide that!

I hope your parents will encourage and support you if and when you choose to meet your First Mother. You should remind them that they will always be your parents too and that you love them still. Hearts can love many people at once and no one can ever really be replaced!

I hope that you will listen to your heart and decide for yourself what is best for you! I wish you and your family - ALL of it - the best of luck for a happy and healthy future!

Possum

I'm also an adoptee.
I have two sets of parents - that's my reality.
I love them all very much. One set I didn't know for 35 years - the other set raised me.
No one should tell you how you should feel about any of them.
It's very sad that your first mother wasn't allowed to see you - that must have been very heartbreaking for her.
You grew inside of her for 9 long months. You will always be a part of her - and she will always be a part of you.
I hope that your a-parents help you to search - and it would be nice if it was sooner rather than later.
A-parents worry that they'll 'lose' their adoptees - but they fail to realise that adoptees just need to know and see those that look like them - and act like them - and have talents like them - because it helps us to better understand who we are - and why we were given away.
We NEED that info to complete us.
It's not about them at all. It's about us.
Know that you are not alone.
There are many many adoptees blogging on the internet.
Type in 'blog search' into google.
Then type in 'adoptees'.
If you need any support - there is a great online support forum for adoptees - that even has a teenager board -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php
I wish you all the very best.

Felicita1

Until you meet her and talk to her, you will never know the truth of why you were separated fro her. It could have been via (1) child protection, (2) she being a perfectly fit mother but forced or coercion to surrender her baby, or (3) she willingly "placed" (legally abandoned) her baby without a second thought, (4) she being convinced by others that IF she loved you then she had to surrender you (again, coercion).

Even often adoptive parents are not told the truth by agencies or CPS.

Example: Often adoptive parents are told that we are druggies when we are not. False-positive drug tests are not unknown. Or it was just a way for social workers to cover up that they stole babies for their friends or for other agency workers -- that has happened at lot more frequently than anyone admits.

Example: Adoptive parents told that we were "too young" when in fact adults around us forced us to surrender our babies, or we were denied support and access to support. Or parents saying that if we kept our baby we'd be thrown out of the house. all of which means a coerced surrender i.e. not a decision at all.

Or, papers in files being mixed up -- child protection offices are not known for their record-keeping and often one mother's information is accidentally put into a different mother's case file.

Any variety of examples why the information you have been given may or may not be the truth.

And yes, she is still a mother to you. You may find your mother-daughter relationship with her has survived all years of separation -- most do in fact although sometimes it takes up to 10 years or more for the damage to the relationship due to separation to be healed.

Lori A

My daughters parents were told that I was 13, on drugs, a run away, and didn't know who the father was. NOT!!!!!!!

but it was a closed adoption so no one could dispute the agencies claims. We all found out the truth when my daughter found me. I suggest you do the same. Get it from the horses mouth. (not calling your mum a horse, it's an expression for find the truth yourself.)

Sofiakat

Your story is quite similar to my son's and daughter's. My son is only five. When he is 18 and his sister is 18 there is a video taped message for them saying the same thing. They are also not allowed to see their mom because of drug addiction. I met her more than once during the adoption process and I can promise you that she loved them with all her heart. She was just so young and addiction had taken a strong hold of her life. The desision was made by the courts that she was not allowed access to the kids because of her addiction issues and a few other unwise choices she had made. My prayer for her is that she will overcome her addiction so when her children find her she will be healthy and a positive person in their lives. My son remembers her very well even though he has not seen her since he was 3 years old and hasn't lived with her since he was two. My daughter has no recollection of her at all. But everytime I look at them I see her in their hearts and eyes. I do think that my son will always see her as his mum. He accepts me as mommy, and she is mum. And that is good and okay and important. Never feel guilty for wanting her or needing her or meeting her.
Good luck to you in this journey.

cigaro19

Well when you are 18, you will beable to trace your mum and meet her if you want to, but they dont give the details of you to the mother

Michelle D

I put a daughter of mine up for adoption when I was 20 years old and it was a closed adoption, she can contact me when she turns 18 years old. And no, I wasn't addicted to drugs or anything of that matter, I was already a single mom with a 3 year old. My daughter's father wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, I knew I couldn't financially support 2 children on my own without their fathers around, it was the most difficult thing I ever did and it broke my heart but I knew she would be taken care of. I hope that one day you meet your biological mother and learn why.

Santa's Lil' Helper

By the term "mum" I am guessing you are in the UK?
Could you clarify and then maybe you could get a response reflective of where you reside.

When your dad said she couln't see you did he mean when you were born or is he talking about now?

When you meet her refer to her in any way that makes YOU comfortable.

liala b

actually i think you should still call her mom because she did the best thing for you she was a drug adict and couldn;t take care of you if she kept you she could f left you on the street to die so yeah

#1 finally here!

there's two types of adoptions. a closed adoption. or and open adoption.

in an open one, the parents can see the child whenever, in a closed one, the parent has specifically agreed to not have contact with the child until they are 18.

The type of adoption is usually sorted out between the parent and the new parents, or by the adoption agency.

elaeblue

Because when Mom's give the child up for adoption - the child truly belongs to the new parents. Most adoptees are not allowed to see their birth parents at all.

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