My BF gave up her son for Adoption, and...........?

â™¥Roseâ™¥

She should not try to get her 4 year old son back. That would cause too much uproar in his life. He is at an age where too much change and confusion could really hurt him. He is in a stable environment now and that is what he needs.

Your friend should just try and have another baby. When her 4 year old son is over the age of 18, maybe she can try and get in touch with him to reconnect.

Randy B

She can try all she wants and she can spend all the money she wants but if she voluntarily gave up her parental rights and the adoption was finalized but she now wants to "take things back" there isn't a thing she can do. The adoption is finalized, it's a legal contract that she entered into willingly at the time and I'm not aware of any grounds to have it reversed.

Angela R

If she voluntarily placed her child for adoption 3 years ago, and it was finalized long ago, then she really has no chance of "getting him back". Legally, she now has NO rights to the child and his adoptive parents are legally his only parents, and have the same rights as any other parent.
I'm sorry your friend regrets her decision, but this is not something she can just take back years later. There's no reason why she should feel guilty about having another child now that she is in a better point in her life, just because she wasn't ready to raise a child back then, doesn't mean that she never deserves to raise another child.

Lori A

This is exactly what is meant by adoption being a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

There isn't much if anything she can do.

Yes it's hard to have another child a few years later as the guilt tends to take over. It took me almost 20 years to have more kids for that very same reason.

Trying to get her son back is more than likely going to end up in huge heart ache. More so than what she has now. As much as it hurts me to say it, let it go. No good will come of it. the child doesn't know her as his mother any more and it is not fair to the parents he has. They did not ask to be parents for a few years until she got on her feet. They asked to be parents. That in itself is a life time commitment.

I'm very sorry.

The Lauren

The adoption has been final for years and she willingly gave up that baby, she is SOL if she wants him back. She gave him up so he could have a better life and now he has a stable family and she wants to take that away from him? Thats selfish and any judge worth his salt would laugh her right of court.

Flying Monkey #073177

She can't get him back. I'm sorry. This is why people say that adoption is a permanent solution to temporary problems. She can go to court and fight like hell but I can't think of any case like this that has been won or any lawyer who would even take on such a case. The sad reality is that adoption is forever, when you sign those papers you are given a very minimal amount of time to "take it back" and even then many mother's have to fight for their children.

I think your friend should get into therapy and seek out other natural parents to talk to. Having another baby won't erase the pain of losing her son, she needs to grieve the loss of her child and then move on. Healthy parents are essential to children.

Nikkie Y

It is wrong for her to try to get her son back now, Try to think how this would affect her son's life! If she wants him to be happy and healthy then she just needs to leave him. Even if she tries she probably won't because her son legally belongs to whomever adopted him.

Ä¶ÎªÅ¦Å¤Å¸

if her life was really that hectic back then, she did the child a favor by giving him up. she should not try to get the child back. that child has gotten used to his new family and might have grown to love them. it would be like giving someone a gift but expect it back when you can finally handle it. she should move on. She might be granted visitation if the family allows it but it should not go any further than that.

Felicita1

Nineteen years old is not too young to have a child. That is irrelevant.

It sounds either like your friend experienced financial coercion (i.e. no resources were available for her or no-one told her about them) or she took the easy way out and did not even look into them. But either way, she surrendered her baby due to temporary financial problems, and knew that it would be forever.

Someone must've told her at the time that her decision was permanent and final. Under the law, your friend is no longer recognized as being any more related to that child than any other random stranger on the street. The people who adopted him are now even listed on his birth certificate as having given birth to him. I cannot see how this was not explained to her at the time, as even the worst and coercive adoption lawyers at least explain this part.

No, it is not easy explaining to any child why you chose to give away their sibling. It does put a child into the position of wondering and worrying if you are going to give them away as well. Plus, if you have an open adoption, the child you have surrendered will wonder why the kept sibling was "better" than they were -- why did you keep one child and surrender another? Child adoption was invented in 1851 to provide homes for unwanted and unloved children. She should have thought of the impact of how this would affect both her surrendered child and any other child, to know that this is the implication of her "decision" -- that she did not love our want her baby. People don't "give away" those they love.

Unfortunately, the other posters have it right: legally there is nothing she can do. Whoever convinced her that she could not keep her child was wrong, misled her, and she may not have given informed consent. She may have the right to sue whomever coerced her, if coercion was involved (see link), but legally she cannot get her child back as she is no longer legally related to that child, sorry.

(Those of us, such as myself, who did legally get our children back, had to wait until they were adults and we could adopt them back via an adult adoption).

allchildrenareangels

She shouldn't try to get him back. His AP are all he has ever known. Not to mention the adoption is long since final. She can't get him back now. She will just be wasting a lot of money. I am sure she will meet him someday and he will understand. Your friend should sit down and write a letter to him and tell him how she feels. Tell him how much she loves him. Tell him she would get him back if she could. Tell him why she put him up for adoption. Then put it away in a safe place. Then when he comes and looks for her she will have it to give to him. This will mean a lot to him. She should have another baby if she is ready. He will understand when he reads the letter and he wouldn't have wanted her to completely stop living. Maybe she can just write him whenever she needs to talk to him and put it all away for the day she sees him. Good luck.

Love,
Michelle

TerraMere

This is a difficult situation. I am sorry for your friends loss. Has she tried to be part of the child's life? Was it an open adoption? If not, could she send a letter to the agency for the child to read should it decide at some future point to search? I think the odds that your friend could undo the adoption are very low. I personally think it would be wrong for her to try. You mentioned the child doesn't know her as mommy. You don't say if there is any relationship with the child at all. I can guarantee you that child has a relationship with the mother who is parenting them and unless there is something seriously wrong with that relationship I think it would be emotionally harmful to the child to disrupt it's family yet again. Feeling guilty is not a good reason to wreak this type of havoc on a child.

myst1998

Wow, what a judgemental pack of ignorants we have today. Would love to see how all of you felt if we came up and forced you to give your child up for xyz of reasons.

Precisely why adoption should not exist for situations like this and the community should feel ashamed of itself for not assisting young women to KEEP and RAISE their babies.

Your BF is NOT selfish for wanting her child back, it is natural. However, it is sadly to late now. She needs to write him letters, a journal, anything to give her an outlet for her pain and love for her son.

I know what she feels when she says she would feel guilty if she had another child. It is a hard road for her to travel. She needs to join a support group for mothers who have relinquished their children and see she is not alone. There are support groups on the Internet if she can't find one in her area.

When she decides to have another child, she needs to be in a position to love that new child for THEMSELF. No other baby is going to fill her son's place and she should not feel guilty for wanting to have another child. She does need to deal with some issues first though.

Most of all, your BF needs A LOT of love and support right now so she makes it. Being a mother without a child is a hard and lonely road. Nobody really understands and nobody really tries except those who love and care for the mother. Be there for her, just listen and hear what she needs to say. be a shoulder to cry on and DON'T tell her she made the right choice to begin with as that will isolate her from you.

All the best to your BF. I am sorry she lost her son to adoption. And yet another family is ripped apart and maimed by the trap of adoption. So sad and so wrong.

Crucio

Your friend is just out of luck and she should save her money because there is no way she would be able to get her son back; unless something in the adoption was not done right. If the adoption was completely legal then there is nothing she can do as she has long since missed her reclaim opportunity. Honestly she should have thought about this before she placed him for adoption she could have gone with temporary guardianship or foster care and then she could have gotten him back. She could have also looked into aids and programs that would have enabled her to keep her son. Adoption is not temporary care until the natural parents feels they are now ready to parent. Adoption is meant to be a forever situation.

Not to mentioned it would be cruel to take a 4 year old away from the only family he remembers and give him to a woman who might be his natural mother but is still a stranger none the less.

She could try and find out if the parents would be open to some contact even if its just sending her photos a few times a year. However certainly they arenâ€™t obligated to do this.

As far as other children there are plenty of women who have placed a baby or child for adoption who have gone on to have another child or children. There are also people who have never gone on to have more children after they placed one for adoption. So thatâ€™s your friends choice. If she has other children all she need tell them is that she was unable to take care of their elder brother and thus she felt it was in his best interest that she give him to a person / couple whom she felt could provide him what she at that time could not.

Miss West

NOOO thats not right. I WAS adopted. she shouldn't she made that choice to adopted out if she wants him back! Child is in a better place now, if he wants when he's older they may have a relationship! How would u like if someone tried to take away your baby?

>Adoption thing 2.~
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090331121402AApUQOk

Sarah

She made a choice to give him up-it is to late to renege. And quite frankly to take him away from the only family he has know for (nearly?) three years would be quite selfish. If she does have an open adoption and tries to get him back she will probably just push his parents away and no longer be able to see him. As for having another child that is a personal choice that only she can make.

Cathy B

Trying to take the child away from the adoptive parents is wrong. It is traumatizing to a four year old to be taken away from the only home they remember and is a terrible fear for adoptive parents. If she has no or extremely little contact now, it might make her feel better if she could contact the adoptive parents and get an update or maybe occasional visits. In that case, she should work with the adoptive parents to make sure that they do not push her away from fear of her taking their child and to make it as easy for the child as possible. We are so used to the notion that a family has to be just two parents and that birth parents should be cut off from children they gave up that we end up hurting all people involved. This child needs to know their home is safe, but if all of the adults act like adults, there is no reason that this child cannot grow up with loving adoptive parents and a relationship with his birth mother. If the child knows he is adopted (if not, that has to be explained first), it can be explained that his birth mom loves him but when he was born she did not have a nice home for him and she wanted him to live in a nice home, so he went to live with his adoptive mom and dad, who love him very much. He won't lose his adoptive family, he just gets more people to love him.

The birth mother should not have a new child unless it is what she truly wants. It is not a good idea to try to have a "replacement baby".

cantstopLinnyG

I am so sorry for your friend. This is the PERFECT example how adoption is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.

Unfortunately, she will not be able to get her son back. The best she can do is contact the agency and ask if there is any way she could have pictures sent to her from his a parents, but it is highly doubtful she will succeed.

As an adoptee in reunion, I can say that the best thing for her to do is to tell any future children she may have the truth as soon as possible, that way, when her first born searches for her, it will not be a surprise. It is much easier for a child to live with the truth of a relinquished sibling than to find out about it years down the line.

carol m

I am sure that 4 year old boy, is just fine where he is.

Erica F

she should not get her 4 yr old son bak and try for another one! its too late! tell her to ask god for forgiveness and he will forgive her once she does that she has no reason to feel guilty.

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