My birth mother is avoiding me!?

Marina

After 46 years, she probably didn't want to be contacted and got in touch for you more than for her. It was kind of her to get in touch. I won't make excuses for her, because there are none. I just think that some adoptees build up this magical reunion in their heads so much that they don't pause to consider that their "mother" may be ok with the fact that you're not in her life.

Point is, she is not your mother. She is the woman that gave birth to you. The woman that gave you a mother's love (and I imagine still continues to do so) is your mother. She's the one that kept you well and took all those photos of you, and was there for you growing up. You didn't do anything wrong at all....you are not responsible for that woman's reaction to you.

I am terribly sorry you didn't get what you wanted from this. Take solace in the fact that you are loved by the people that raised you and the people you have in your life.

cantstopLinnyG

Don't you just love it when people tell you to be thankful you were adopted, or you shouldn't be too pushy, or that you will never know your brother and sister?? Puh-lease.

Some reunions don't work out. No reunion is perfect. Some take YEARS to resemble normal...whatever normal is.

The thing you do have to keep in mind is that she is obviously still dealing with the brainwashing that her agency, family and most likely, society thrust upon her. Some first Moms NEVER recover. Mine has not, either.

I found my n Mom 22 years ago when I was 21 years old. I have never met her, as she told me to do so would make her pain too real, that it would make her realize what she had lost.

We have had a phone call/letter relationship for 22 years. I hate it. It makes me feel unworthy. Even though I have a great adoptive family, lots of friends and have a successful career, it still makes me feel unwanted and unlovable. I know that I am not, but my brain retreats to my 6 yr old adoptee self, wondering "WHY?"

I accepted her decision. I was told for 22 yrs she would tell my siblings about me, but "the time was not right". I waited. And waited. And waited. I waited because I was afraid if I pushed her, she would reject me again, and I would not be able to go through that yet again.

I finally grew a pair last summer and told her there would NEVER be a "right time", and that I needed to do this for ME. She said it wasn't about me. I told her that my adoption had NEVER been about me, and I was tired.

I contacted them 3 weeks later. They were shocked, but not surprised. I am in a fantastic reunion with my siblings, and I feel like a real person. They were upset they did not find out about me 22 years ago. There's still a lot of healing to do with my N Mom and me, but the pain has been worth it. Seeing a living human being who shares your DNA is a very powerful thing. I am so much like my n family it's mind blowing. People who are not adopted have NO clue how we feel, but Im sure you "get that".

You and your siblings are adults. She has no right to keep you from them. She is not going to lose them. That's the effects of her brainwashing talking. These women were told they were dirty and if anyone found out they would lose everything. Coercion at it's finest, thank you Baby Scoop Era.

Please join the adult adoptee forum below. We get it. We've been there and know how you feel. There is no judgment, not rudeness, no "outsiders" telling you how you should feel. We get it.

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/

Gone fishin'

You need to understand the mindset of the woman you are trying to reach. When she had you it was a devastating thing to happen in any family. Girls were sent away when they became pregnant so nobody could find out their secret. They had their babies, gave them up with no option and came back to resume their lives. It was a shameful thing. She may have not told her husband and her children because he may not have wanted to marry her if she was not a virgin... You can imagine how horrible it was for her. In her heart she longed for you all her life. I know this happened to a friend of mine. However she is afraid of her children finding out that she was an unwed mother. The times have changed but she hasn't and it is not her fault. I am sure that the pictures you sent her broke her heart because she missed you. If you are a mother you would understand a part of this. Give her some space. Don't be too pushy.

Have you tried to contact her? I would hate for you to have these feelings because of a misunderstanding.

Maybe she is trying to come to terms with the decision that she made. Maybe she just needs some time. Getting an album from you probably made you and the situation "real" in her mind.

On the other hand, maybe she is taking the time it takes to put together a good album. I am assuming that you probably have been making the album that you sent (at least making it in your head) for years.

I hope everything works out for you.

Daisey Duck

The truth of the matter is that's how some reunions go. Sometimes it's the birth parents who don't want it and sometimes it's the adoptee who doesn't. That is something everyone who searches has to be prepared for. I know it hurts you but she does have the right to not have contact with you if she chooses. As an adoptee I don't think my bio mom owes me anything. If I were to find her and she didn't want anything to do with me I would just have to face facts and go on.
On another note you said you waited 46 years that must mean she is getting up there in years. It could be she got sick or something. But by her initial comments I would tend to believe she just doesn't want contact.

Heather Leigh

I don't have an answer for you, but I just wanted to say I am sorry that you are going through this.

Have you tried contacting her again to ask if there was a problem?

My son is 14 and found his other Mom through a relative. She does not want contact with him either. I empathize with the pain this causes no matter how old you are.

Best wishes to you.

Randy B

"And what about my feelings?" you ask? What about hers?

No, I don't think you were wrong in trying to find her if that is what you wanted to do but look at it this way, you had months or perhaps years to get used to the idea that someday you may find her. You worked into the process. She all of a sudden gets a phone call out of the blue, or a letter or however you contacted her and now she has had 3 months to process what you had much longer to do.

All I can suggest is to give her some time, back off a bit and let her process things. She may come around, she may not but she deserves some time I think.

Not Adopted

Don't give up, reunions have ups and downs. It can take time for you and your mother to feel safe and comfortable in your relationship. This is only natural since you have been separated for 46 years.

Try to be patient (I know this is hard) and think of this as a relationship that has to be built one step at a time.

I would also send a reminder about the photos - tell her you're eager to see them!

Jake H

She probably got caught by the Brother/Sister. Obviously they felt hurt that you were thrown away. She felt hurt to tell you this otherwise maybe. That is why she will not contact you. She probably will. But when your Brother/Sister aren't looking.

Yarr

It sounds like she just wants to forget about the whole thing.

Edit: Its amazing how no adoptee can ever accept the fact that their birthmother gave them up and then went about their life normally. Instead, the birthmother was 'brainwashed' and 'tricked/forced' into giving them in the minds of adoptees. Even if its not true. I bet some adoptees would even keep deluding themselves if the b-mom came out and SAID "I gave you up because I didn't want you so go away."

Leah C

I am sorry for this last minute roadblock in your search for answers and closure. I can't imagine how it must feel. Maybe your birth mother is just an unreliable flake and that's why she gave you up to begin with. Try your best to move on.

neil j

sorry to hear that but you have to reassure yourself you do have loved ones in your life and if your mother is like that thank god you were adopted !!!
you dont need that thing in your life

mermaid

You can't expect a happy ending. She chose to give you up. She made the decision a long time ago that you would not be part of her life. I am so sorry that you are hurt. I am sure talking to others with similar problems will help. Maybe concentrate on your real mother, the one who raised you.

adoptee2

reunion is not easy for sure , but reunion IMO is made of 2 main things 1) finding out info about history medical , looks , traits , personality maybe pics and possible birth father information if available or needed.etcccc a huge part of this issue is the loss of this part of ourselves . our identidy. 2)relationship now to be established, the sad thing about this is the loss you feel while seperated and if get to reunion the loss you are still aware exsists within the meeting. but building a relationship can happen but it might not i would say you can never be happy to see something important to you turn out the way you did not want it to turn out.but you have tried and you cannot do much more than try . you can leave the gates open and tell her how you feel in a letter , try and speak with your heart , not out of any anger , try and speak with understanding and let her know its ok for her to need time , its ok if shes confused , you are confused to , tell her if and when she ever wants to talk about things you are willing to listen or talk . do what you can on a positive note so it will give u closure to know you tried your best.and you did it in A mature way. at least try its so hard with all the emotions i know. this is not all pretty so many rough patches we wish were gone now while in reunion.but they just creep up out of no where. i got to say i could still face alot of rejection in my situation but i can only try its hard for me to .just knowing a little bit is more than what some adoptees will find out or natural parents searching sometimes these files and searches come to a hault becaused they are closed completly.thats the most heartbreaking if you want to search and cant. This is just a complicated situation , its harder than i thought i cannot even explain half of my emotions. must be so hard for everyone .

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: