My daughter doesn't want to know me!?

lifesfair

Just let it be, and give it time. It may take a few years for her to warm up. Just don't give up but don't pressure it either.

Mrs. Lamb W

Well Congrates on finding your daughter. Her family sounds like they are willing to have you be a part of her life. She on the other hand sounds to be confused. That is understandable. She doesn't know who you are.
Don't push her into calling you Mom and don't call her your daughter. Yes, you gave birth to her. But you have not been a part of each others lives until recently.
You contacted her first.....,then she could be in shock and did not want to meet you right now in her life. So it will take time.
Be friends with her first. You're starting a relationship with a grown child, who doesn't know you.
Good Luck with Your Relationship with Your Child.

Lillie

At this point, I'd just back off a little and let her call the shots. It's hard, I know, but pushing too hard might push her away, and once the relationship is damaged, it's almost impossible to salvage.

Believe me, I know. (Been there, done that with my own mother).

People change, feelings change, and especially adoptees, our feelings about our adoptions and our n-mothers change throughout the course of our lives, so take it easy and let her lead the way. If she is open now to meeting up sometimes, then that's great! Just don't do too much, be happy with what you have.

It's easy to read into what you DON'T have; try not to do that and be happy with what you DO have.

PhilM

From my experiences, this is more common when first mothers contact their relinquished children. I don't know what your daughter is thinking, but I can share with you my experience.

When I started searching for my first mom, I started down a rollercoaster ride I wasn't fully prepared for (though I thought I was). I went through a hundred different emotions every hour (now it's down to a hundred a day). When I started, I thought I just wanted to know some basic things. By the time I found her, I was desperate to know everything about her, and I was scared she would reject me again. After we talked, I went back and forth about what I wanted, how I felt, etc.

And I had prepared myself (again, or so I thought).

Whatever your daughter's feelings, whether she was planning on looking for you or not, this has probably come as quite a surprise. She probably didn't have a chance to work through some of her feelings. She needs time. (She may never come around, but she needs time to decide.)

As for the "mom" thing, every adoptee I've talked to about this has to resolve this for themselves. Some, like me, call their first mothers "mom." Some don't. There's a lot of baggage and emotional turmoil that come with that word. For some it's completely positive, but unique. For others, it's a word fraught with peril. For me, it's a term with mixed implications. You may have one idea about what the word means, but your daughter may have others. You need to accept her decision on this. That's not easy, I know. But you do.

Indeed, that was the one thing my first mom did that helped me the most. (And she's still doing it.) She accepted whatever I wanted in the situation. She lets me take the lead. How often we talk, when we see each other, what our relationship will be. She accepts whatever I can and want to give her, and she never pushes for more. That has really helped ease me into a very close relationship with her.

You need to listen to your daughter. She probably has a lot of conflicting emotions about this, and she may not be ready to deal with them. Or she may not know how. But you have to let her sort them out.

I know you want it all now. I really do understand that. But if you push, you'll probably end up with nothing. Be patient. It sounds like you hurt for missing the first 22 years of her life. But you also need to try to imagine how she feels.

I wish you both well. I hope you can find a way together. Good luck.

tish

you know nyla... many people on here who are overly critical of your situation and are quick to remind you how much of a 'non-mom' you are, are also the very same breed who would have called you a 'strong, brave, selfless woman' when you decided to place your daughter.

the schizophrenic attitude towards b/n/fmoms is beyond sad.
---------------------

i am sorry that you had to make the choice to not parent your daughter. i am too familiar with the stress, uncertainty and whirlwind of emotions that goes along with making an adoption plan. so i totally feel you there.

furthermore, i do feel bad that your daughter doesn't wish to have contact with you. this can be due to her own anger towards you relinquishing her, or simply a lack of desire to meet you. either way, she really needs to take the lead.

"what the hell do i do???" you give it time. start with finding support from other bmoms in reunions, journaling your thoughts and coming to terms with your adoption loss. you do admit that her adoptive family is "cool"; yet she (your birthdaughter) has decided not to have contact with you. so it's clear that the decision is probably not due to any manipulation from the aparents.

i strongly encourage you to seek support. many b-moms on her have great resources to on-line chats and message groups that can offer you the support you need.

i wish you well...

Problem Child

I've heard that this is kinda typical behavior. It's almost like she's doing to you what you did to her. It's not on purpose or anything, but the hurt of being adopted comes out like that. She's kinda rejecting you, because you rejected her.
She's only 22, so she's pretty young still and probably hasn't really faced how she feels about being adopted. She may need a lot more time to figure that out.
My birth mom found me in my early twenties and I had much the same reaction. I wanted to know her, but on MY terms, and when I wanted to...not when she did. I think it must partly stem from the loss of control you have as a baby being given away to strangers. I needed to get some of that control back!
So my advice is, let her make all the decisions. If she wants to see you, great, if not, accept it. If all she wants to do is email or talk on the phone once in awhile, then that's going to have to be ok with you...otherwise you will chase her away and have nothing.
Take what contact she's willing to give and see where it takes you, and don't be suprised if she is angry with you at some point and expresses that to you in some way. It may hurt you to hear it, but it will help her to express it, and I know that what you want deep down is her best interest, her health and happiness, right?
Oh, and she'll never call you mom...ever, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't still need you in her life, just not in that way.
Best to you and to her.

Laurel J

Please give it time. She may be testing you, or she may just be slow to trust. You might see if your library has Michelle McColm's Adoption Reunions and Bailey and Giddens' Adoption Reunion Survival Guide

spydermomma

Oh, my heart goes out to you. And it goes out to her also.

Give it time. It has been 22 years during which you were only, perhaps, a fantasy to her. No matter how wonderful you are, this is a big change for her, and it will take awhile for her to figure out how she feels about you, and about having been adopted.

And it doesn't sound as if she "doesn't want to know you" at all, if she meets with you and talks to you on the phone. It could just be her age, frankly. Think back to yourself at 22. Would you have wanted to hang out with someone the age you are now? She is in the process of building her life -- and it sounds as if she is willing to include you in it. Maybe not as much as you want right now, but that may change as she matures.

I wouldn't push having her call you Mom. At 22 it is normal to distance yourself a bit from even parents that raised you, because you need to develop a different kind of relationship between adults. I don't think you should try to push the mom role either too much, because she may not be wanting even ONE mom right now, much less two. You should maybe perhaps try to act more as if you were an aunt, or a mentor. Of course you are her first mother and gave her life, and both of you know that, but the relationship will be something different from that of a mother and the daughter she raised.

I feel for your wanting to "make up for lost time," but that will take time and care. You cannot make up for 22 years in one year, and if you push too hard, you may push her away. It sounds as if she is willing to have a friendly relationship with you. Treasure and nurture that -- gently.

Maybe it would help to have some other outlet for the intense feelings you have, so that she does not feel responsible for them. Perhaps a counselor would help, especially if you feel you made a mistake. That could help you to put less pressure on the relationship with your daughter, and without pressure the relationship could blossom -- when she's ready.

Good luck with all of this. Take gentle care of yourself and reach out to your friends for support.

3595

I'm not trying to be mean, but how can you expect her to love someone she's only recently met, who she found out abandoned her when she was a baby? She's spent 22 years of her life without you. It'll take her a long time to warm up to you, but you need to understand that she might never see you as her mother, or call you mother. Someone else has looked after her and earned the right to be called that. I do believe that she'll get closer to you eventually, just don't expect her to forgive you for everything straight away.

a_random23

it sounds like you are more conserned about your own need for a relationship with her rather than her for you, didnt you say you gave her up because you didnt think you would make a 'mom'. If she is happy in her life and holds no grudge against you surely that is a good thing and you should be happy that she is happy - isn't that what you wanted for her.

Isabel A

I like my firstmother and I don't call her Mom. You are expecting too much and pushing way to hard.

And just because her adoptive family likes you doesn't mean she has to. She is a grown woman and has the right to make her own decisions.

Maybe for now you should try to focus on what she wants instead of your own expectations.

a healing adoptee

Right know your daughter is reeling from all types of emotions. When I met my birthmother for the first time, I felt no connection. To me she was the woman that carried me for 9 months and gave birth to me. I had a mother that took care of me since i was 18 mths. So to me I couldn't call her "mom" when i met her. I also felt alot of anger and resentment towards her, because in my eyes i felt i could never give up a baby. I couldn't understand why she gave me up but kept my younger siblings. Your daughter may be coming to terms on why you gave her up. She may be trying to find where you fit in her life, because she has parents. I would just back off just a little, i mean send a letter now and then and do a phone call occasionally. But don't push a relantionship on her, because it may run her the other way. Let her make the first step. As for her recongizing you as her mom. I can say from my experince i never recongized my birth mother as "mom", I only associated her as the nice woman who gave birth to me. To me "mom" was designated toward the woman that raised me. So, she may not call you mom, but that may not mean she doesn't love you, or does not want a relationship with you. Again please be patient with her. It took me 10 years to reconnect with my birth family after meeting them. It was a long hard road emotionally. I wish you the best.
peace,
healing adoptee

áƒ¦*Pink Cat *áƒ¦

She feels betrayed by you and that you never wanted her. In her defense I don't blame her. But in your defense You felt at the time you did the right thing. Hope you figure it out.

kaluah96

she's not going to love you she doesn't know you. no on ecan rush her into feeling what they want her to feel. she will need to come around in her own time. her whole life she has lived for other people. she needs to figure out who she is without the background noise. the more you push the more you will push her away. don't put alot of expectations on her. just let it grow. true emotions don't grow overnight and a lifetime of questions aren't going to get answered in one night. she is probably having alot of mixed feelings right now. just take deep breaths and be patient.

Lori A

Nyla,
I feel your pain right down to my bones. I worried every day whether I did the right thing, if my daughter got a good home, if she was being taken care of properly, and most of all if she was going to hate me for what i did. I was actually willing to stand in front of her and let her beat the crap out of me if I ever got the chance to meet her. I figured I deserved it. I did get to meet her and Thank God she didn't hit me. We have had a great relationship for 8 years now. Your daughter got a good home, she got a cool family, she was taken care of properly. She got all the things you wished for her. Half of your nightmares are over. I must have gotten 7 or 8 phone calls that were people looking for a birth parent but they had the wrong number. It wasn't the call that I had been waiting for. When i did get my call, I wanted to talk to her every day. I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted to make up for so much that was lost but I couldn't, what's lost is lost. We started slow and awkward. I think PhilM is on the right track it's a rollercoaster ride, but you don't want that ride to end so you have to refrain from going to fast no matter how much your heart tells you to. We started with small things, like a name, her hands, body style, where it all came from. Who she resembles, who's attitude she has, (I swear I don't know where that came from. LOL ) Good thing she didn't want to hit me. The girl can pack some attitude. Just start small, exchange pictures if you can. Talk briefly on the phone instead of trying to cram all of it into one conversation or sitting, if your together. Do lunch. Walk through the mall and point out what each of you likes. Have ice cream. As far as her calling you mom. Don't let it bother you. I'm not mom, her mother is and I wouldn't have it any other way. The woman has earned that right. Decide what's more important, the title or the relationship with your daughter. Frankly, my daughter can call me schmickenspud if she wants to as long as she keeps calling. Your half way there, keep your chin up and remember her age does play a big part in this. She may be an adult legally but she's still a young one.

Bless you for being so brave as to care so much about another human being that you would put your own feelings aside and be willing to suffer the unknown for so many years just to see to it that they got something better than what you could have offered. How can you call that a mistake? It was a selfless act of caring, and it worked.

girlwhowasadoptedin49or50ithink

Give her time. She probably doesn't know how she's "supposed" to feel. Let her make the next move. Don't pressure her or make her feel bad for her feelings. She can't help how she feels. Give her time...

.

Psyberfox

This might sound cruel but you're not her Mother. You gave birth to her. "That doesn't make you her Mother". She probally has alot of mixed feeling's towards you and doesn't know how to deal with them. Maybe she will warm up to you in time.

tmin

hi nyla

you are her mother, but you are not her mom, some one else is. you can not force people to do what they don't want to do, you can't force them to be what they don't want to be and right now she doesn't want to be your daughter, and she is not your daughter. stop calling her, stop trying to be her mom, stop bothering her and eventually she will come and talk to you on her own time. it is a sad fact of your life the woulda, shoulda, coulda's can't help you now and you can not get the time lost back, so stop trying. Instead try just waiting for her, try letting her come to you, you have waited over twenty years already what is a little while more.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings or offend you, but being straight forward and honest is the only way i can be. I know hearing this stuff is tuff, but I hope it makes you realize that it is the only thing you really can do, short of kidnapping her.
Again I am sorry for being so blunt.
Take care and keep the faith....cya....

Kimberley C

You are not her mum... I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh but just because you gave birth to someone doesn't make you mum. Her mum is the lady that brought her up and raised her as her own.

You can't do anything.... you can't walk back into her life after 22 years and expect her to greet you with open arms. It may have nothing to do with her feeling 'abandoned' (I'm adopted and don't feel like that) she just may not feel connected to you.

Don't push it... she will look for a relationship with you when she's ready. You have to accept though that she may never be ready.

it's just you & me babe :)

shes probably hurt and feels like she missed out on knowing yuo. she probably doesnt want to get to know you because she isnt ready.

Zyggy

She doesn't know you. You may be her biological mother, but in all truth you are a stranger to her. Maybe she doesn't feel like she needs to have two mothers, and doesn't need to know anything about your family, and as bad as it may sound, you can't force her too, and it's her right not to have a relationship with you. Give her some time, don't try and force any contact, because that may make her pull back even more then she has.

kenzie c

ok well I'm adopted and i might only be 14 but know how she fees

not to be mean or anything but ur not her mom her mom is the one how brought her up and if she does not wont to get to know u that's her choice and if u keep pushing her shes just going to pull farther a way

Elizabeth

She is probably very hurt and angry that you abandoned her. It doesn't matter what your reasons were for the adoption, abandonment is abandonment.

Whether your daughter realizes it or not, she has suffered a huge trauma.

For some reason, many adoptees have a fierce loyalty to their adopters. Even if their adopters were less than ideal parents. Many adoptees have swallowed the crap propagated by the adoption industry and society at large: be grateful, you could have been aborted, etc. Thusly many adoptees feel downright guilty for having relationships with their real families.

Your daughter is still quite young. When I was 22 I was a mess thanks to the horror of adoption.

Give her time. Give her space. Stay in contact, but don't make any demands. You owe her that. She has a right to take things at her own pace. She didn't sign up for the adoption, you and her adopters did.

Remember, it doesn't matter what she calls you. You are still her mother.

Erica N

This is her choice, not yours. Many adopted kids do not consider their bio parents part of the family. Leave her around and just send cards on her birthday and Christmas. Don't disrupt her life just to make yourself happy.

karen m

You have to respect her wishes. Sometimes they feel like they're being disrespectful to their adoptive parents if they have a relationship with their birth parents. She's young yet and she may change her mind when she's more mature, but until then you need to just back off and let her live her life.

rachael

i dont want to sound mean, but you are not her 'mom', she has a mom. it sounds that you are confident at the time that you made the right choice. dont doubt yourself. sometimes the adoptee cant get past the feeling of abandonment. it is unfortunate, but a fact of life.
you may never have a close relationship. do not expect to be called mom. i have met my birthmother and i have a wonderful relationship with her, she is my best friend. i do not call her mom. she understands why, my mom nursed my fevers, went to parent teacher conferences, gave me away at my first wedding, gave me a life.
my birthmother gave me life. she nouished my body, protected me during pregnancy and ensured i would have my piece of the world, safe and secure.

i love and respect them both, but she is not mom.

im sorry you are hurt by her, but the emotions some adoptees feel are very real and deep seeded. they question many things in their lives that most just take for granted. keep in touch with her and let her know you care, but dont push. you will only drive her away more. and no one will benefit from that.
good luck, i truly hope she comes around

emo girl

you mentioned you put her up for adoption because you knew you wouldn't be able to be a mom. keep that in mind now. she's been with her current family for 22 years. you can't really expect someone you've just recently met to call you mom. as far as she may be concerned, you're not her mom. don't push the issue. spend time with her when you can and get to know her as a person. hopefully, as you get to know each other better, you can become friends. it's awesome that she wants to spend time with you and that her family is open to the idea as well. take it slowly and don't get discouraged. remember why you put her up for adoption in the first place.

snowwillow20

The thing is, your daughter has a mom. Maybe she feels pressured by you. My bdaughter calls me by my first name and that is fine with me. You can't make up for the last 22 years, so don't even try. You have to try to start from now but take your cues from her. Let her make the rules.

mommy B

she is 22. she is an adult herself and maybe she really just needs time to accept you coming back into her life. its sad but this was something you had to consider when giving up your child. Youll have to let her make her own decision on what to do without question, just like she let you make that decision 22 years ago. I really also do not think that she should have to acknowledge you as her mom or call you mom. you werent that person in her life for that title.

sam22254

I have never been adopted so I wouldn't know how to feel. But if I found myself pregnant and decided to give my child up for adoption for what ever reason i would never expect to have the child I gave away to call me mom I made the choice to not be her mother.
This is what is misunderstood in adoption once you sign to give your child away it's not yours any more be happy she even talks to you. Mistakes well I bet you have a wonderful young lady. So I think things worked out right. Get on with your life just be there if she calls. Good luck to you

mrsdeli

Did you really think she would just fall all over you and welcome you into her life with open arms?? Don't expect anything from her and don't push it...she will give as much as she can and nothing else.

Linda Cubbage

I found my daughter 11 months ago. She was also looking for me for 10 yrs. We talked e-mailed sent pictures. I even got pictures of her father. I went through H---. geting them and the hurt retured in full force. We were to see each other and it didn't come around her sister was so excited and they had a good relationship. Then all of a sudden every thing stopped. I am so hurt. She is 45. I would take any advice

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