My daughter was attacked- we are adopting?

MNH

i wouldnt try to keep it a secret that the sister is really the one who had the baby though, someday somehow it will come out and that would be devestating to find out your whole life was a big secret. dont make a big deal of it but dont lie. my cousin was adopted and no one knew who the mom was, they didnt even tell him then a few years ago it came out that it was another relatives who had hid her teen pregnancy and had the baby in secret, it was very messy and upsetting for everyone when the secret broke. if they had just been honest from the start it could have avoided alot of pain. i know this is not what you are asking about but your question caught my attention and hit home a little bit. good luck.

ladybmw1218

Why not just raise your grandchild as your grandchild and be his/her legal guardian? Your daughter has enough on her plate without having to live a lie as well, in my opinion.

Ranchmom1

I am so sorry to hear that your daughter was attacked. I give her credit for her bravery in following through with the pregnancy and letting this baby live.

We are helping to raise our 6-year-old granddaughter. Our daughter was 17 when she was born. She knows we are her grandparents, and her mom is her mom and it all works out really well. Our daughter has us named as guardians of her daughter should anything happen to her, and we have legal permission to take her to doctor appointments, etc. I am almost 42 and I get more tired than I did when our girls were little, but she is a joy and a treasure to us and we're so thankful for her, every day.

I agree with those who said please do not try to cover over the fact that this child is your daughter's biological child. My parents adopted me and I appreciate that they never ever tried to cover over that fact. A friend of mine didn't find out she was adopted until she was 8 years old and it was so traumatic for her. For me, it was just a regular fact of my life from the time I was born.

Best wishes to all of you.

C Wood

To be honest, there will come a time when you'll need to tell the child the truth. Since your daughter has many psychiatric problems, she's very likely to tell the child, even if you don't as the secret may eat at her. Discuss this with your daughter's counselor.
cw

kidmindi

I am sorry for all that your family is going thru.

However let me share a bit of my story with you. My paternal grandparents adopted me. My A mom was 42 when she adopted me at age 2. I was raised to believe that they were my biological parents and their son "Roger" who had been killed in a car wreck was my brother. (my first mom had been forced out of the picture)

One day when I was 9 years old, I found out by accident that Roger was my dad. My whole world suddenly crashed. My mom and dad were my grandparents. My dead brother was my father.(this made me feel all gross inside for some reason)

I had no idea where or who my mother was..oh and my "brothers" and "sister" were my uncles and aunts.

It totally messed up my head. My teen years were filled with confusion and anger and resentment. I hated my adoptive parents for lying to me. It took many years and lots of counseling for me to let go of the anger and resentment. I was never able to have a close relationship with them after I learned of the lies.

Let me suggest, that you raise the child to know that you are the grandparents. S/he will find out one day no matter how hard you try to keep the secret and it will cause a lot of emotional problems for him/her.

If you want you can e mail me privately and I can tell you more about what a child in that situation goes thru.

Good luck to you and your family.

Joy Noelle

I am so sorry to hear that your daughter (and your whole family) have to go through this. It's awesome that you are taking on raising her baby. You should be proud of that decision as not many people these days would make that decision.
My mom was 38 when she had me and my aunt had her first child at 41. Older parents are not uncommon at all. I was at a crisis pregnancy center with my friend the other day and met a woman who was 45 and pregnant. The people who worked there said it was not all that uncommon.
On another note, when I was growing up, I had 3 different friends whose sisters were really their mothers. One of them knew about it and the family system worked great. The child understood that her sister was her birth mother and she was secure in knowing that she had a strong family support network.
The other two were raised not knowing. One was told in middle school and she rebelled against her mother (grandmother). The other was not told until he found out on his own in high school. He no longer speaks with his family at all (I don't agree with this but I was also never in his situation). They both said that they felt betrayed & deceived. I know this wasn't the family's intentions but it's something to consider.
Carenet would be a wonderful place to go to get set up with counseling services for your daughter and your family. They could also probably get you set up with some other people in your same situation to talk to and share experiences/advice.
I wish you the best of luck in your commendable decision. Congratulations on your new addition to the family.

Not Adopted

I think you should be honest and let her know who her mother is. I watched a young woman discover at the age of 18 that her "sister" was really her mother, and her "mother" was really her grandmother. She was devastated by the lies she had been told her entire life.

cantstopLinnyG

I am so happy you will be keeping your grandchild in your family. It is bad enough your daughter was attacked, but having to surrender her child would be even more damaging to her.

I would suggest, however, that you do not do the sister thing. The baby WILL find out, and it could be damaging to your relationship.

I have a friend who's daughter was also in a similar situation. They became their grandchild's legal guardian, so that the child could have the benefits (insurance, etc) It was a win/win situation for all.

Good luck to you, and thank you for doing what is best for your child and grandchild.

Crucio

I have family who adopted their daughterâ€™s son. They never tried to pretend that they were his biological parents. He knew from young age not sure what age that his parents were biological his grandparents, that one of his sisters was biological his mother. His siblings were biological his Aunt and Uncles. So if you do adopt your grandchild you need to be open about the fact that you adopted her/him and that her/his sister is her/his biological mother.You should also be honest about the harsh reality of her/his conception but that can wait until the child is much older.

As far as older parents yeah there are older parents out there both people who have had natural children late in life and also people who have adopted late in life. There are also becoming more and more grandparents who are solely raising their grandchildren for whatever reason.

Sandra S.

The baby will be raised with family and that's the most important thing. I took care of my grandchildren (2) for some time during a sad time in my daughters life, but once she landed on her feet and was stable again she then wanted to take care of them. My advice would be to remain grandparents and love and raise her for what it is. This will prevent any heart break in the future..if in the event your daughter would want to raise her child down the road. Being there for both your grandchild and daughter says a lot about you. I wish all of you much luck and happiness in your journey.

Rowan

I admire you wanting to be there for your daughter, and stepping up to help her.

Seriously, its a bad idea to hide the fact that your daughters the mother from the baby. Please dont lie to the child, you'll only set him up for issues later on. Truth is best in situations like this.

kateiskate

Maybe instead of adopting your daughter's child, you become her legal guardian until the time that your daughter is able to raise her child.

I would also suggest you not raise the child as yours with his mother as his sister. When he finds out he's been lied to (which he will) he will probably be emotionally tramautized.

myst1998

Why do you have to adopt the baby? Why not just become guardians instead? Adoption isn't necessary, changing the birth certificate etc won't take away the fact your daughter was attacked and had a baby. Imagine what it will be like for the child themself? Lies never work. I advocate openess and kinship/guardian care over adoption.

I am happy you are keeping the child in the family and not placing him/her with strangers.

MamaKate

I am so sorry that this has happened to your family.

I hope that you have gotten help for your daughter in dealing with this! If not please visit this link:

http://www.rainn.org/

or call 1-800-656-4673 for help 24/7.

I am glad you are there for her!

I agree with other posters that guardianship might be a better option for your family. (Adopting your grandchild and asking your daughter to pretend to be her sister could cause some or exacerbate existing psychological/emotional issues for both your daughter and your grandchild!) Guardianship is much less expensive and complex than adoption - especially in a kinship situation. Guardianship can be permanent OR temporary if you feel that your daughter may eventually be in a position to parent on her own.

Here are some links so you can look into the benefits of guardianship vs. adoption and help you and your daughter decide what the best thing is for your family.

http://www.cwla.org/advocacy/2006legagenda09.htm
http://www.guardianship.org/
http://www.txcare.org/surveyab/stats/phillips/davidson.html

Good luck in finding the right solution for your family and best wishes for a happy and healthy future for all of you.

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